Friday, April 30, 2010

Blind Vice: Who's the Not-So-Gleeful Diva?

New from Ted today -

Blind Vice: Who's the Not-So-Gleeful Diva?

Jeez, whenever we try to give people benefit of the doubt (à la Buck Me-Good), it turns out to bite us in the ass.
Remember how we told you the Glee kids were all, like, one moderately happy family—by Hollywood standards, that is?
Well, one snitty star on that totally lovable show is causing quite the dramatic ruckus, pulling a Heigl on set. And it just pains us to report this, but alas, it is our jobs. So let's get the nasty stuff over with, shall we?
Introducing Pat Poisonpuss, one of the main faces of Fox's hit show. Actually, Pat would probably smack us across the head for saying "introducing" before this sexy babe's name because, according to P.P., Pat has been in the Hollywood game forever. So much more than the minions (crew and fellow actors) Poisonpuss is "forced" to deal with everyday.
A source close to Team Awful recently visited the Glee set and reported, among other snitty deets, that Pat was totally isolated in between takes.
Pat, we're told, "really gave off the impression that [he or she?] is a huge diva," our insider dished. The set snooper insisted P.P. positively reeked of entitled-itis—think it's going to be catching soon on that show, too.
But say it ain't so! We're told diva doesn't even begin to describe how bitchy this par-tick star behaved, not mingling with anyone, choosing, instead to do eye-rolls over in a corner while other actors we're doing their bits. Talk about tacky!
But hey, maybe it's a method-acting kinda thing? You know, P.P. is just trying to stay in character in between takes? Could that be it?
We're choosing to believe that scenario, 'cause we think Pat is a total fox and supertalented.
Anyway, hopefully this seminew celeb won't get too big a tude, 'cause this behavior so screams Katherine Heigl.

And It Ain't: Dijon Talton, Heather Morris, Harry Shum Jr.

Update 5/10/10 - Ted has revealed that Pat Poisonpuss is Lea MicheleHere is the link to the reveal. 

Thursday, April 29, 2010

Page Six - 4.29.10


Which Park Avenue mother, now in the process of divorcing her wealthy husband, inadvertently shared her passionate lovemaking? She accidentally touched her cellphone and called a business associate one night while she was putting her young boyfriend through his paces in a duet of grunting and moaning.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

The Gossip Boy - 4.26.10

Just discovered The Gossip Boy... here's his blind items from Monday

1- Which once drop dead gorgeous A-List star once fell in love with a boy so hard the when she found out he also liked boys, she went off the deep end?  She has since been in countless rehabs and her career has gone down the drain.  She recently made attempt to see this ex and during dinner he thought that they could actually be friends again.  Until the next night when he found her in his hotel room, naked and waiting on his bed. Not Julia Stiles

2- Which television star is so worried that she isn't getting all of the press from her so that she decided to stage a break-up with a fake boyfriend so that people will feel sorry for her?  She has tried it before and no one cared, so what makes her think that this time will be any different? Not Eva Longoria

3-Which indie actress has kept her long time secret affair with an A-Lister tightly under wraps?  They met all they way back in 1997 when she was a young little thing and he was almost 20 years her senior, not to mention that over the past 13 years, they have continued their affair.  He has a family that he keeps away from Hollywood, and this is probably the main reason why. Not Gabby Hoffman


Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Bonus Blind - More Details from Kumquat's Kinky Crypt

New from Ted today... a continuation from Friday's Blind Vice

Bonus Blind - More Details from Kumquat's Kinky Crypt
Everyone was apparently so into Crescent Kumquat's homo-lution in last Friday's Blind Vice that we've decided to share more deets with you from that fateful night of online lust.
One thing that everyone forgets is how these closeted stars affect those they get up close and personal with in secret.
Set of 10 CHACE CRAWFORD Pinback Buttons 1.25" Pins Nate ArchibaldCrescent, we know you're new at this (or supposedly a virgin never having "gone all the way" with a guy), so let us introduce you to rule No. 1: Don't leave your nookie partner burned after you use him for anonymous sex...
When talking to our source, who was lucky enough to fool around with studalicious Kumquat, we felt totally bad for the dude, who was not expecting to get ditched postcoital.
Says Crescent's conquest:
"I am a bit sour of the fact he fake-numbered me and disappeared off the site. Call me naïve, but before he came over, the chat we shared was actually good."
Apparently Kumquat's talk and action vary just a smidge.
As we told you Friday, Crescent totally liked it rough (hair pulling, dirty talk and being very loud "while getting pleased"), but from what we hear leading up to the inevitable hookup, C.K. was more the mushy and lovey-dovey type.
How, exactly, do we mean?
Well, lots of hand-holding (pre-, during and postsexing), Robert Pattinson-type mooning and total eye contact with the fellow studmuffin he was hooking up with. Kumquat even supposedly tucked in his conquest and kissed the guy goodbye—only to never be heard from again.
Remember, Cres' profile was deleted and the number he gave was a fake, which doesn't shock us but totally did the guy.
As the unsuspecting fella puts it:
"We talked about our hobbies and interests. I had told him that I was new to the area and he had made some remarks about showing me around town one night. He really sounded like a guy that I could be cool with."
Is this sad or what?
Crescent, you must be careful with how you treat your special friends. Especially considering the fact you don't even make them sign confidentiality agreements (though we assume now that you're speeding up your gay tendencies at a rapid pace these agreements may not be far behind).
Be glad your onetime cyberbuddy doesn't wanna sell you down the river here. With your audience, In Touch would be jumping at the chance to run this tell-all exclusive.
Just sayin', babe, you won't get away with this kinda behavior for too much longer. Your good hair and charming smile only get you (and anonymity) so far!
And it ain't: Matt Lanter, Michael C. Hall, Matthew Bomer

Links to the previous CK BV's:
January 9, 2009 (including a full list of those eliminated), May 1, 2009, January 15, 2010, April 23, 2010

Our top guess: Chace Crawford

Buzzfoto Blind Item #312

Our blind today deals with a very Twitter happy star. He loves the public persona but is struggling privately. His relationship will soon come to an end. He cheated with a young lady that he met on the internet.
Not Michael Lohan.

Friday, April 23, 2010

Blind Vice: Ballsy Crescent Kumquat Surfs for Sex!

New from Ted today...

Gossip Girl (Chase Crawford) TV Poster Print - 24x36Blind Vice: Ballsy Crescent Kumquat Surfs for Sex!

From cuddling to kissing to...well, hold your horny horses for a second.
You remember, Crescent Kumquat, we're sure. You know, that adorable B.V. star who can't quite seem to figure out his sexuality, but is having plenty of fun in the process.
Well, C.K. has taken another, more serious (as we predicted) step in his nighttime adventures with the fellows—isn't it just touching to watch him grow up? And by touching, we so mean in the crotch-grabbin' way that Cres loves.
So what's the down-low dude up to now?
We told you that Cres had taken a page from Topher Hairy-Tuchas' book and is using the Internet to pick out unknowing cyber-studs for some one-on-one fun. And Crescent has found the method quite rewarding.
Recently, C.K. chatted up a guy on a men-only website—according to the chattee—for an hour before the two finally decided to meet at the unsuspecting stranger's place. To say Crescent's potential conquest was surprised to see our hottie heartthrob is an understatement, but the online lover knew the code and pretended he didn't recognize Cres's so-famous face.
So what gets Cressy all hot 'n' bothered and ready to get down to action? Bourbon (tho our unprepared hookup had to substitute good old fashion H2O for the brown liquor) and a few puffs on a joint. Then it's time to hit the bedroom.
The action started innocently enough, with C.K.'s signature makeout session—which, at this point, he has down to a work of art—but things quickly picked up. Cres admitted to still being a virgin when it comes to going all the guy-on-guy way (which, we're so not surprised by) but there was still plenty more the two good-lookin' dudes could do to pass the time until C.K. skipped out in the wee hours of the morning.
And with all that spooning and cute-as-hell necking we're accustomed to, Cres has to be quite the gentle lover, no? More like, hell no—the dude is definitely into the rough stuff—hair pulling and member-slapping, included free of charge.
And then Crescent was gone. His e-profile was deleted and the number he left after his late-night rendezvous turned out to be a fakeras if he would leave his actual digits. Why not his publicist's cell, too, while he was at it, right?
What did titillate us is that C.K. told his hunky hookup that he was bisexual and the two had to be discreet because Cres has a GF (which is so not true). Looks like Crescent still has plenty of exploring left to do—tho we're sure it will be with more fellas than ladies, as we've seen C.K. in full-on party mode and he never seems to have any intention of heading home with a chica.
Hey, as long as we keep getting the dirty details, explore away—so much more exciting than Lewis and Clarke, don't you think?

And It Ain't: Nick Jonas, James Van Der Beek, Alexander Skarsgard

Top suspect: Still Chace Crawford.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Vintage BV - Puissant Phillipe & See-Through Sheila

Thanks to reader cassandra who brought this one up recently... here you go.

One Deceiving Blind Vice - August 3, 2005

Well, not to his girl, at least give the boy that much credit.
Puissant Phillipe has had the most divine and much photographed affair with See-Through Sheila. Folks talk about them night and day, which is reportedly how often the celebrated duo has sex.
Hardly. About the same amount of time See-Through wears a turtleneck is more like it.
Now, even though Puissant (Pissy, to his bestest buds) is actually a fairly sweet dude, it's actually the dudes this previously reported babe-chaser prefers to get down with. He gave an inkling of this information, by the bi, to See-Through, once they first got together.
Also, to be fair to P2, it wasn't until his dalliance with Ms. Sheila was at full-throttle that he realized it was consistently the more manly launch, not the feminine boosters, that brought his rocket to regular blastoff.
Meanwhile, the whole world thinks P.P. is just a plain ol' space cadet, because his cooling off with S.T.S. has begun to leak.

And it ain't: Mischa Barton/Brandon Davis, Jake Gyllenhaal/Kirsten Dunst, Rebecca Rojmin/Jerry O'Connell 

Also eliminated - Ashton Kutcher/Demi Moore, Ryan Cabrera/Ashlee Simpson, Justin Timberlake/Cameron Diaz, Brad Pitt

Top suspects - Orlando Bloom/Kate Bosworth, Leonardo DiCaprio/Gisele Bundchen, Matthew McConaughey/Penelope Cruz, Lance Armstrong/Sheryl Crow

Vintage BV - Fey Ray

And ... one from three years ago this week.

One Quelle Surprise Blind Vice - April 26, 2007

Here I go again: another damn Vice ‘bout yet another limp-wristed Hollywood hubby. And I use the antigay terminology only because it’s deserved in this sitch.
Fey Ray had it all. Beautiful woman. Gorgeous friends, hangers-on and so forth—all the accompanying high-life accoutrements that strangely just seem to come to heterosexual couples playing house, so rarely the gay ones, save Ellen ‘n’ Portia.
Fey-stud also had such nice teeth (I know, I have a thing with sparkling molars and incisors, so please forgive me). But he also had a penchant for little boys—nothing underage, mind you—something his gal was actually okay with!
Still. It wasn’t enough. A once-in-a-while little fagola fling (even with his baby’s blessings) just wasn’t enough for F.R., so he just had to go and bust things up with his gorgeous honey, so stupid-ola. I say dumbo time ‘cause Fey actually is one of those rare creatures who is bisexual. So many folks say they are just to get more headlines (or cash). Why does Anne Heche come to mind right about now? Never mind, back to Fey.
So, Mr. R. had a regular dude on the side. F.R.’s gal knew all along—and she still tried to keep the relationship going okay between her and her man (what some women will put up with!). Didn’t work. Fey needed his tumescent nooky time too much.
But get this: As soon as Fey busted up with his gal, he also busted up with his guy. Didn’t want people thinking he was gay, or anything.
Oy vey. I think my straight girlfriends are correct: Men—and not just the hetero ones—are dumber than Tom Cruise in love.

AND IT AIN'T: Adam Brody, George W. Bush, James Blunt 

Also eliminated: Nick Lachey, Matthew McConaughey, Eddie Van Halen, Justin Timberlake, Travis Barker

Top suspects: Ryan Phillipe, Brad Pitt, Bobby Brown, Dave Navarro

Vintage BV - Apple Marvini

Digging more up...

One Pooftah Putz Blind Vice - March 29, 2007

Yeah, well, Slurpa Pop-Off's hair extensions were just falling out the other night at a fancy-ass party—I'm so riveted by that one, aren't you all, my jaded nelly-jellies? Really, I am.
Nevertheless, I'm going to go with a new member of the Blind Vice family—though, I must say, what earns her a mention in these asshole annals of abhorrent Hell-Ay behavior among the rich and stupid, is, well, utterly stupidola (and nothing new)! Read on:
Apple Marvini has it all (and I mean all). She's loaded as s--t. She's fairly well dressed, still got a decent bod. She gives regularly to charity, she's not without talent and she's newly searching for a legalized mattress mate—such fun when money's no object, n'est-ce pas? But perhaps that's just the prob.
The only guys A.M. seems to attract (including her most promising current prospect for a union) are those who are also into the majorly moneyed habits, not so much activities involving multiple climaxes and cleaning up the sheets afterward.
Yes, like many a less well-off gal throughout the nation, Ms. Em has found herself hankering for a dude who cares more about having his undies starched than dirtying up hers. Why do women do this, time after time? Granted, making the help cry can be sickly fascinating (A. and her "man" do this equally adeptly), but isn't holding the one you love—and lust for—till the sun comes up worth anything?
Not to A.M., apparently. As she has, after all, made it quite clear she's not overly fond of what that cuddling (and accompanying commotion) produced with her last man.

And it Ain't: Martha Stewart, Oprah Winfrey, Kate Hudson 

Apple Marvini:
Also eliminated: no one
Top suspect: Candy Spelling, Reese Witherspoon, Blythe Danner

Vintage BV - Sniffer Stella & Wendell Waxer

Here's another one with two!  Also included Wendell Waxer's second BV.  He was eventually revealed by Ted to be Jesse Metcalfe.

Two Schnoz-Straining Blind Vices - January 18, 2007

After-hours parties always spell trouble, right? Yes, thank gawd! I mean, anything that happens after the clubs close at some über-mansion in the Hollywood Hills after two ayem is bound to be bad news, right?
(Just ask Lindsay Lohan where that type of late-night stuff lands you, if you don't believe moi.)
Such delish naughtiness is what was goin' down at the owner of a Hollywood hot spot's posh pad recently. After the booty-shakin' boîte announced last call, said proprietor moved the celeb-hoppin' pah-tay to his private home. How very accommodating!
And all the usual trash-rag suspects were there, as well as some more surprising ones.
But, no guest, I assure you, was as shocking as the Sniffer honey, a rail-thin tart, if there ever was one. This skinny gal, who has a rather wholesome rep, has been rumored to like hitting the slopes before, ya know. But, nothing concrete has been sighted on her—until now.
Some peeps say hitting the powder runs is precisely why this gal got so damn skeletal all of the sudden. But, I digress, per usual.
Anyhow, Ms. Sniff was in dire need of a hit and told the whole room as much.
“Do you have our stuff?” Sniffer Stella yelled to her partner in partying crime, who, evidently, had the supply. “I need a bump!” Thank heavens S.B.'s trusty amiga had the goods! “It's right here in my purse!,” the partygoer yelled back, as the girls not so discreetly rendezvoused to the bathroom, almost as if they were in the mansion all by themselves (which was hardly the case).
Meanwhile, at the same nose-candy coral, a very pretty boy we'll call Wendell Waxer was being rather obvious himself.
The good-lookin' guy, whose sexuality is often questioned, was loudly placing a bet with a friend over who could score the hottest girl in the house.
The winner, it was decided between the cave-dude types, got not only bragging rights, but the rails of coke lined up on the coffee table for the taking.
W2 won, of course, and pulled a hottie right fast. But, W.W., hon, you'd better be careful...the booger sugar, to be friggin' sure, ages that fine face of yours faster than your flack gets fake union items in the gossips.

And it Aint: Jessica Simpson/Wentworth Miller, Nicki Hilton/Jamie Foxx, Ashlee Simpson/Hayden Christensen 

For Sniffer Stella -
Eliminated: Jessica Simpson, Nicki Hilton,  Ashlee Simpson, Britney Spears, Sienna Miller, Keira Knightley, Kirsten Dunst, Reese Witherspoon
Top suspects: Hillary Duff, Jessica Alba


JESSE METCALFE 24x36 COLOR POSTER PRINTThen here's the second Wendell Waxer BV...

One Jerk-Off Blind Vice - June 1, 2007

What can you really say about a guy like Wendell Waxer? First off, he's damn lucky. See, Wendell was attending film school on the East Coast when he was "discovered" on the streets. Wendell scored a semisweet deal acting on a network offering. Pretty fortuitous, considering our comely Wendell had no acting training whatsoever.
W2 eventually ditched school and headed for T-town with his long-term girlfriend from college. Now, keep in boo-hoo mind, the good-intentioned, blushing g-f moved out west to support her man, who promptly got a huge-ass head from his newfound stardom and dumped her ass.
Now, Ms. Dumped Derriere would surely hasten one to not only not date her creep-a-zoid old flame but also to not invite him to dinner at your pad. See, during a holiday when W.W. couldn't make it home, a good college bud of his graciously asked Wen to spend the time at his fam's place. And Wendell caused a huge fracas at his guest's house over a friggin' board game.
Apparently, mean-ass, egomaniac Wendell made his host's younger sibling bawl over a game of Scattegories. W2 promptly got booted by the host's horrified mama.
Later on down the line, after his big network debut, his same amigo from school was making a movie. And despite Wendell's pleading, he didn't think W2 was quite right for any parts and chose not to audition him. I mean, the guy had never even taken any acting classes, so it's understandable why someone might have doubts, right?
Apparently not to narcissistic Wendell, who did what any mature person would do. He stopped speaking to his former friend. Like I said, sweet.
Sounds like someone needs some attitude rehab, among other things.

And It Ain't: Doug Savant, James Denton, Shawn Pyfrom (all from Desperate Housewives)

For Wendell Waxer -
Eliminated: Wentworth Miller, Jamie Foxx, Hayden Christensen, Doug Savant, James Denton, Shawn Pyfrom, Orlando Bloom, Justin Timberlake
Ted revealed to be: Jesse Metcalfe

Vintage BV - Rust Puss & Jake Fake

This one's got two in one.  One of them, Rust Puss, is still up in the air. One of them, Jake Fake, Ted semi-revealed (see comments).

One Gay 'n' Straight Blind Vice - March 30, 2005

JUDE LAW 24X36 COLOUR POSTER PRINTOkay, we're doin' a little mixin' and matchin' here, my do-me detectives. Got one superhot-hot-hot hunkerator, whose name happens to be Rust Puss, and a rather more slick, leading-man version of studhood named Jake Fake.
One's pretending to be straight so he can keep that hugely successful boob-tube he-man status he just got stamped 'n' steamed with, the other's acting like his girlie girlfriend is the only honey for him. Hardly!
First, Russ, I fear, has a thang or two in common with last week's Toothy Tile: He's getting a little too public--for his diverting ways, that is. No, not with pedal-to-the-metal smooching, just in gossiping about his same-sex love life with like-minded boy-lovin' boys. Jeez, doesn't ol' Rust know how the dudes talk! (More than any gal on the planet, promise.)
Then there's the supposedly über-mannered Jake, who's off on location filming When the Low Rose Knows. Very romantic setting, this film locale. So much so that a local gal with whom the supposedly attached J.F. hooked up attended a proper (but slightly rainy) garden party. Said local babe overheard another dame talking about how she had had the succulently lipped Mr. F.
Local lass busted in that she had him first--but then, quicker than you could say, Put an umbrella on that pig-in-a-blanket, yet another woman chimed in how she made nooky galore with the gorgeous guy before any of 'em!
Needless to say, Jake's unknowing intended is going to be just as friggin' jaded as Jake's current (and official) ex. Mark my transmitted words.

And it ain't: Josh Hartnett/Josh Brolin, Wilmer Valdarrama/Will Smith, Tom Cruise/Tom Welling

For Rust Puss:
Eliminated - Josh Hartnett, Wilmer Valderrama, Tom Cruise, Josh Duhamel, Tom Welling, Ben McKenzie
Top suspect -

For Jake Fake:
Eliminated - Josh Brolin, Will Smith, Tom Welling, Josh Hartnett
Ted semi-revealed to be: Jude Law

Vintage BV - Day-Old Dumbo

This was the Blind Vice that Ted revealed to be about Scott Baio.

One Immensely Idiotic Blind Vice - July 12, 2007

This one's the best. And no, it's not about putting naughty things up one's bum or nostrils, sorry (we'll be back next week with those curious cavity activities, I'm sure). Nope, this time round, we're givin' ya a plain ol' obnoxious-behavior-beyond-compare Vice job, sound good?
Sure, it does!
There he was, Day-Old Dumbo, visiting the network headquarters of a fairly well-established Hollywood cable outfit. DOD was apparently hungry for something other than that comeback he keeps working on, endlessly (as Day-O's never really again enjoyed the fame he achieved so magnificently as a kid). Mr. D, therefore, hit the deli in the office building where said network is housed.
Musta been a slow day at the pickle place, 'cause Day-Old's mere presence caused quite the commotion at the eatery. Lots o' whispering and pointing, all aimed at DOD, who pretended (poorly) not to notice a damn thing.
DOD then gets to the front of the line. People are still, amazingly, breathlessly watching his every move, as if he's gonna try and pick up one of the babes hanging next to the fruit-salad counter, or somethin'. After all, gal wrangling is, by far, Day's major calling card, as of late—much more so than his nine-to-five stuff.
"Can I shake your hand?" the fawning deli clerk asks, eagerly, extending his own palm at the same time.
Time stops. Every set of eyeballs in that fluorescent-lit joint is transfixed by the tense scene. Will he or won't he shake the excited man's hand, everyone wonders about Day-Old—who, in typical H-town ego-crushing tradition, just lets the poor man's hand dangle in space, untouched.
"What are you doing?" DOD screams, his locks practically trembling as he dramatically pulls his body away from the deli worker in horror, as if the fan's pulled a punch or a gun, instead of the well-meaning gesture. "What are you doing?" he repeats, as if he hasn't insulted the guy enough, already.
DOD's new reality show should only catch such splendid 'tude-wreck moments—maybe then the guy could again get a decent viewership.

AIA: Ron Howard, Gary Coleman, Henry Winkler

Revealed by Ted to be: Scott Baio

Vintage BV - Butt-Burning Bruce

Digging up some old ones again....

One Horny Improvement Blind Vice - June 28, 2007

Houses in Hell-Ay, just as domiciles round the world sometimes can be, are often used as backgrounds for movie and TV film projects as well as photo shoots. In fact, there are companies that specifically farm out T-town’s more posh houses for whatever media project comes a-callin’—and I’m not talkin’ porno shoots (that’s a diff number ya call, trust).
These housing minders like to think they’re discreet (usually they are) finaglers of design and commerce, sort of architectural matchmakers, if you will. Very snitty and highbrow, exclusive, that sorta thang.
Which is why Butt-Burning Bruce, media and film legend of sorts, called one particular firm like the ones mentioned above. B3 hasn’t exactly been working that much as of late (so, no, all you hard-working detectives, it ain’t Monsieur Willis, I’ll say that much right now). Mr. Bee, uh, needed some loot—fast. What better way to score some major quickie moolah than to rent out his supercool lovelorn pad perched so magnificently in the City of Fallen Heartthrobs, right? So, he did.
And now he regrets doing so.
See, when the film company that subsequently came in to take advantage of B.B.B.’s hipper-than-slick streamlined job, what just about everybody involved on the project got instead was what B. left in the oversize master b-room. And, no, I don’t mean he simply forgot to flush.
Butt-Burning failed to remove a fancy jewelry box from a polished bathroom counter. Not that fabulous gems and baubles could have been stolen, not at all. Carats of far greater value (i.e., kinkiness) were inside: sex toys, to be exact. Guess they’d been placed on the counter for washing, one supposes.
And sure as you can smell a whole lotta strawberry-flavored lube right about now, B3 had an entire assortment of dildos, whips and ticklers in the wooden container. Used. All of it.
Gross me out with an industrial-size bottle of 409, already!
Hey, Bruce, don’t you know you’re supposed to put that crap in the dishwasher, boyfriend? Gosh, straight guys never know how to get really debauched efficiently, do they?
(By the by, B-boy, those playthings for your partner—or you?)

And It Ain't: Harrison Ford, David Hasselhoff, Cuba Gooding Jr.

Also eliminated: Don Johnson, Pierce Brosnan, Tim Allen, Bruce Willis

Top suspect: Michael Douglas

Semi-shout out!

Semi shout out to us today in the Awful Truth!

Dear Ted:
Do you read Blind Vice blogs trying to guess your B.V.s? Are they usually right or way off?
Dear Curious:
Sometimes and sometimes.

Love it!!!!!

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Vintage BV: Toothy Tile

Jake Gyllenhaal Triple FeatureWe finally have compiled the missing Toothy Tile blind vices!  Going back over 5 years here. Check the labels on the right side of your screen for many other, more recent Toothy Tile blind vices.  There's also a couple of other BV pseudonyms in these.  Discussion in the comments section on who those may be.
One Adorable Blind Vice - March 9, 2005

Okay, sugar-muffins, the only reason this one's in the Vice section is because until quite recently, Toothy Tile was dating his superpopular, superannoyingly perfect girlfriend. Not boyfriend. Which, if you ask this old gossip whore, is the classification Tile would prefer his significant others be filed under in the very near future.

Mere days ago, while everyone was hooting and complaining about this gown and that host from the Oscars, Tile was right out in the open holding hands with his man in a West Hollywood restaurant--which shall remain nameless...because I love going there and they probably won't serve me anymore if I start outing their customers, ca-friggin'-peesh?

Not that I'd be outting anybody, anyway. Mr. Tile took care of that himself. Covertly, but he did it.

It was late in the afternoon; everybody had cleared out. Save Tile and his man-amigo, who extended his hands flat on the marble table (yes, that's a hint) until they were intertwined with Tile's. Massive smiles then appeared on both daring dudes.

Too sweet! And such a departure for this debauched department, doncha think? Don't worry, as sure as Tile's famous ex knew, deep down, way below her doable dimples, what Tile really wanted (hence, the breakup), next week, we'll be right back on salacious patrol, damn sure.

And it ain't: Tobey Maguire, Keanu Reeves, Jamie Foxx


One Window-Fogged Blind Vice - March 23, 2005

This one's getting interesting.

Remember Toothy Tile from One Adorable Blind Vice? The sweet movie-star guy who was surreptitiously holding digits with his boyfriend at a West Hollywood restaurant? Well, he's at it again. Only, this time, more than digits are being utilized. At least the ones...never mind.

So, there T2 is with the stud-unit again. In the concrete parking structure of a very popular Hell-Ay shopping enclave. It was dark. Not too many shoppers were around.

Could this be why handsome Tooth (whose legs, I feel, have been vastly undersold, thanks to his mega-charming smile) saw fit to smooch his companion in their car, reclining their seats as far back as Faye Dunaway's forehead. And this kissing scene didn't simply occur in first, my dears. No, Tile brought the all-man, all-body Frenching session right on home, full throttle, all the way to fifth, I'd say.

Damn, that boy's a gusty speed racer.

And it ain't: Leonardo DiCaprio, Ben Affleck, Mark Wahlberg


One Multimedia Blind Vice - May 26, 2005

OK, my dishin' darlings, Toothy Tile's back for a raunchy round three. Let's see, we've had T.T., a handsome boy, by far, hand-holding at restaurants, snogging his man-love in Hell-Ay's subterranean parking lots...What's next, an Oprah appearance with Toothy declaring his love for the good-lookin' b-f?
Close. Very close.
Word on the homo-connected nut-vine has it that Toothy's been in talks with an Oprah-esque mag (i.e., huge circulation, other media connections like TV networks) about coming out of the closet. Not as gay, but as...bisexual.
This, of course, would help explain T.T.'s past dating experience with lithe female movie stars. But (as is often the case with love) now he can't control the fact that he's in a major butterfly state with a dude (don't you hate it when that happens?).
At least, that's the plan—to be done with a queer writer for added politically correct synergy (some say for guaranteed taste, but I don't trust these reporters, regardless of their sexual orientation).
It'll be most interesting. Particularly when Mr. Tile's big-screen job makes a very sensual, boyish splash at the same time.
And it ain't: Tobey Maguire, Will Smith, Val Kilmer


One Confused Blind Vice - July 27, 2005

Toothy Tile, the rising young male star who secretly likes boys, is creating quite the media sitch. Not only am I told by same-sex inside sources that Mr. T. is still speaking with media representatives about coming out of the closet (much to the dissatisfaction of T.T.'s ten-percent crowd), but poor T. is feeling a tad...pulled.

He really loves his old g-f. That much is very clear. Nevertheless, T.T. is not breaking up with his (largely unknown) boyfriend, even though Mr. T.--whose dimples nevertheless remain quite dreamy through all this suspenseful tsuris--is not quite sure what, exactly, to do about the ex-girlfriend.

What's a bisexual budding star to do?

Oh, probably what all the rest of 'em do: Stay right in the damn closet.

Care to prove me wrong, Tooth?

And it ain't Josh Duhamel, Josh Lucas, Benjamin McKenzie


Two Bad Boys Blind Vice - August 11, 2005

Let's see, we've got Studly Seymour goin' down on some chick at the Viceroy in Santa Monica. Does that interest you? A little, you say? Well, it was quite impromptu, nothing planned (like in a bathroom stall or anything). Box-office deliverer S2 and his latest gal--for the moment, I assure you--just wanted to share a scream or 15 in the ballroom, that's all. So what if other folks crashed their sweaty party?

Toothy Tile, on the other orgasmic hand, does mind. Or maybe not? Hmmm.

As any reader of this filthy column knows damn well by now, our boy Tooth--much like Seymour, above--likes taking chances. He does it in the parking garages of Hell-Ay's more bourgeois shopping centers. On restaurant balconies--hell, wherever there's a chance of getting caught.

Just like he did last weekend. Parking lot right off the Strip. T.T. and his b-f (for whom, I'm told, Toothy has considered very heavily coming out of the proverbial media closet) were "hard-core" doing the diddly, say their concerned amigos.

Only problem was, a security cop called the real coppers, who hand-slapped T.T. something good. Alas, somebody's somebody called the head somebody at the police station, and the whole thing got covered up--just like most of the fun stuff does in this ass-greasing enclave.

So, don't expect Mr. T. to bare his bisexual soul anytime soon. I hear his relationship with the same-sex partner is suddenly not quite as gung-ho as it has been for months previous. Toothy got so friggin' scared he's edging back in the closet. And--you guessed it--the opposite-sex ex is soothing Tile's bruised psyche.

Hey, don't sweat it, Tooth. I once did it on the Long Island Railroad with my then beach boy, and the conductor happened by. Oops. Didn't ask for my ticket, funny enough.

AIA: Johnny Depp/David Vartan, Seann William Scott, Johnny Knoxville/Seth Green

Also elimianted for Studly Seymour - Colin Farrell

One Forced Fagola Blind Vice - Nov 3, 2005

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're tired of Toothy Tile. But, darlings, the way folks are yappin' lately, this might be one of my last chances to discuss the closeted and increasingly curious conundrums of T2!

Tragic, I know.

Now what you might not realize is that T.T. and his boyfriend have their own share of Jude Law-and-Sadie Frost-style drama. They were on for forevah. Then they broke up. And now, phew, they're on! (And Toothy's public "girlfriend" is fadin' into the background fast.)

But here's the (big) prob: Everyone loves a good drama. And some people couldn't give a Simpson's ass about Nick and Jessica. These folks--all fancy, rich and A-list, mind you--like dishin' on Toothy and his b-f instead. Where have they been having sex in their butch automobiles lately? Jeez. Their li'l relationship is like the cocktail fodder at WeHo's most elite, gay gatherings.

Some het ones, too.

Why, darlings, at all the best Halloween do's, particularly one held by a mucho impressive movie director, it's the only thing folks could blab on about--all the poor Cher impersonators were driven to near tears 'cause no one paid them no damn mind!

Also, big-name big-timers are openly chatting about T2's homo-rrific love life. No whispers required. It's, forgive the pun, out there. Everywhere.

So, if everyone who's anyone is openly talkin' Toothy, can it be long before the rest of America catches up? I for one hope we have a little more time. I'd kinda miss Toothy.

(Hey, Tooth, glad you're back with that man of yours--for good this time? It's sure what he thinks.)

And it ain't Joaquin Phoenix, Scott Speedman, Rob Thomas


Two To The Limit Blind Vices - November 14, 2005

Toothy Tile and Petunia Pickle-Pop really should start dating.

I mean, it would be a fake get-together, but how many real ones are left in this town? Like Jude Law and Sienna Miller are going to last. Like they got back together because they just feel so right for each other, in the end--current flicks to sell be damned!

So, Toothy and Petunia are pushing the upchuck-and-saliva-covered envelope like you would not believe. Or maybe you would?

Ladies first. Movie-stah Toothy--who's been playing with whether or not to come out the closet for so long now, readers think I'm just makin' this sitch up (I'm not)--recently did a chat show for his latest pic, Casablanca Cuckold. You'll never guess what a network worker bee caught him doing in the privacy of his dressing room before taping...

No, not fornicating (you dirty busybodies), just tonguing his b-f, that's all. And this little love licking spread through the studio faster than a pink-slip distribution list at ABC!

Causing far fewer but much more horrified mouths to gasp at an L.A. recording studio was Petunia's smelly wake. After barging into the classy operation with her screeching wheels, P2 headed straight for the bathroom, which had been oh so thoughtfully set up with scented candles and tasteful towels and such.

After 15 minutes of locking herself in the loo, Petunia emerged, leaving the bathroom looking like something out of Martha Stewart's nightmares. And guess what was left smack in the middle of the restroom--with one tiny towel placed in the middle?

It was a reeking, warm pile of human discard. Puke. All over the floor.

Jeez, whose wake is stinkier these days, drugged-out Pet's or duded-out Tooth's?

And it ain't:  Will Smith and Kimberly Stewart, Wentworth Miller and Ashlee Simpson, Chad Michael Murray and Hilary Duff

Also eliminated for Petunia Pickle-Pop: Kimberly Stewart, Ashlee Simpson, Hilary Duff, Drew Barrymore, Faye Dunaway, Carrie Fisher, Mary Kate Olsen, Mischa Barton, Bijou Phillips
Here is the other PPP Bv from 10/20/05. 
 Two Tush-Trying Blind Vices - Oct 19, 2006

That Toothy Tile. He just lives to push the fagola envelope, love that about the young acting hunk! (And I know you do, too.)
Now, quite frankly, T2's latest man-on-man moves far outshine his recent movie choices; though, that's an arguable statement at best—I just don't go fer this hetero image Mr. T. is busy trying to push over on his ever loyal, hapless, ticket-buying fans. 
But we'll just leave that li'l bit o' politically incorrect poo-pooing and get straight, as it were, to the attempted wild sex in the back of the limousine, 'kay? Thought you might agree...
Oh, gawd, I am getting old. I'm confusing all these closeted fruits into one big ass-banging aspic! So, sorry. It was Jiggly Wiggle-Poof who pounced—quite stupidly, I might add—on his so-not-gay limo driver while out promoting his supersuccessful boob-tube show in some hick state. And let's just say what went down was not at all what Jiggly had in mind (something bruised, not blushing).
Also, there's hope, I want you all to know, for Mr. Tile's movie career. Dare I say some of his future film projects are looking up, because, uh, how can I put this? T.T. has decided to start sleeping with better-looking people now to get his future projects—is that being too crass about it all?
In other words, for T.T.'s next 40-foot-wide job, Tooth-doll not only seduced the man who would decide the whole-deal shebang (it's sort of a studly adventure story, in so many ways), he now shares cocaine, hotel suites and party favors with the bigwig. Isn't that sweet when one can stay bestest amigos with one's ladder-climbing bed partners?
Warms my jaded-ass heart.
AIA: Danny Bonaduce, Josh Duhamel, Isaiah Washington

One Kids 'R' Us Blind Vice - January 11, 2007

Congrats are in order! Guess what? I hear our fave hubba-hubba, humpy homo in T-town, Toothy Tile, is seriously considering making things super-
domesticated with his equally homosational b-f. And no, I don't mean the gorgeous closeted (albeit permanently, it seems) actor is getting a new puppy or Cuisinart.
Hear ol' T2 is thinking about helping his man-friend adopt something, uh, more...complex. As in a human (aren't we all?). Meaning, a baby! Too sweet!
I could just cry (since Ellen D. left me on the verge yesterday, ya know) with happiness!
Couldn't all you hard-asses at home weep with me, too?
Yeah, right—wouldn't hurt for you malcontents to soften up a bit, but whatever.
You all going for a boy or a girl, Mr. Tooth?
And if he or she turns out to be gay, like you, and if he or she wants to become a mucho-talented performer, also like you, Daddy Toothy, I declare, I do wonder what advice you'd offer the kiddo? Hmmm. What could it be?
Stay away from the Biz, altogether, I wonder?
AIA: George Clooney, Clay Aiken, John Stamos


One Pansy Pushing Blind Vice - July 7, 2007

Bulbous Seymour is one fine piece o' man-lovin’ meat. Not a bad actor, either. But Bulbous knows—just like most audiences and H-town execs are aware—that his best talents lie not on the silver screen but in the golden nether regions of B.S.’ impressive bod. Yeah, he’s a stud. And what do studs do best?
Now, before I get too carried away on whatever (or whomever) Bulbous utilizes his heavenly powers for—this Blind Vice ain’t about him. Well, not exactly. See, Mr. Es has been doing what we here at the Awful Truth live for: gossiping about other closeted homosexual movie stars! Too fun for the hard-abbed tum! Delish, darlin's, so let’s get to whom B.S. is blabbin’ ‘bout:

Toothy Tile, natch. You were expecting Gussy 'n' Fussy, perhaps? Like, who cares about those ersatz het jokers anymore? (Not too many folks, I assure ya.) Nah, it’s all about Toothy Tile—and when the hell this gorgeous scaredy-puss is gonna disclose his sexual pref, already—and Bulbous knows this fagola factoid. So much so, he’s been mouthing off at chic Hell-Ay events about just how Toothy isn’t foolin’ anybody.

Well, I beg to differ. Had I been at this one par-tick fancy-schmancy soiree, I would have gladly explained to B.S. that half of Bush’s “Mare-kuh” thinks T.T. is as heterosexual as our current prez. Wait, Bush is straight, isn’t he? Don’t answer that, actually, do not want to go there…

Back to B.S., who’s clearly dying for Toothy’s sexuality to come to the surface so the media will ease off his dubious dame-doin' existence. Uh, word to the unwise wower: Boyfriend, you just keep on gettin’ higher 'n' higher at those swell dos you go to. You’ll be outing Toothy long before anybody like moi would ever dream of doing so.

AIA: Sean Penn, Colin Farrell, Will Smith

One Special Edition Blind Vice - July 26, 2007

Look, everybody, I was going to tell you all about a certain Morgan Mayhem family member who, just like Morgy, is getting hugely wasted more often than she burps overpriced champagne, but, like, whatever, ya know? No big ser-prize there.

So, instead, due to an overwhelming demand for all things closeted and Toothy Tile, we’re going to round up all recent clues provided for our limited-run special 20 Questions and give ya another fab clue! Ding ding ding! Hot fun for the same-sex tum, huh? Now, keep in mind, for those of you teething for Tooth, we’re not even friggin’ halfway through the 20 queries, but thus far, this is what we’ve previously let out, as it were:

Q: Was he on Dancing with the Stars?
A: No. T2 is a talented thesp who's way above reality TV, trust.

Q: Are Toothy's initials in the first half of the alphabet, or the second? FYI: I'm asking about his real name, not pseudonym, so no tricks please.
A: No.

Q: Is Toothy known to be an animal lover?
A: Uh, yes, but isn’t everybody (or at least pretending to be) in this hairy town?

Q: What happened to Baby Tile? Did Toothy and B-F Tile have the kid, or did they give up on the idea of becoming dads? Are they still together and superdomesticated?
A: Give the nonnuclear fam time, doll-babe.

Q: Is Toothy Tile known to be athletic?
A: That, my dear, depends on your definition of athletic. He can hold his own, how about that?

Q: Is Toothy Tile Isaiah Washington?
A: Wrong bum-lovin’ boy. Think younger, cuter ‘n’ sans snarkiness.

And for all you unleashed types doggin’ for the good-lookin’ dude’s identity, here are two more newbie inquiries to get ya through the weekend. Now, keep the questions burnin’!

Q: Has Toothy Tile ever been nominated for or won a major American award?
A: For Best Kinky Performance in a Parking Lot? Why, yes! By the West Hollywood Sheriff’s voting academy, actually!

Q: Why is Jennifer Aniston the only woman Vince Vaughn has been linked to in the tabloids? Is he Toothy Tile?
A: No. He’s not nearly agile enough. Certainly not for the back-seat seduction game.

And It Ain't: Don Cheadle, Homer Simpson, Carrot Top

* Toothy Tile = Jake Gyllenhaal

FYI, Here is our full ongoing list of who has been eliminated as Toothy Tile.

Vintage BV - Dewbie Stammer

Another oldie -

One Closted Blind Vice - Sept 27, 2007

Oh, it was such a gay party, and by that definition I don’t mean gay gay, just a good time. A typical Hollywood do, the festive bash was at a posh residence. Stars from both screens were mingling right next to the Diet Cokes, the boozy cocktails and the pigs in blankets. And in the middle of it all, nonfamous babes ‘n’ hons were oh so casually just la-dee-dah-ing it up, pretending like mad they weren’t desperate to be the human blanket around Dewbie Stammer’s very own little piggy.

Oh, that Dewb, such the charmer. Never a classically handsome dude, D has nevertheless—like many not exactly stunning guys, Owen Wilson, for ince—always managed to keep the gals fretting by his side. Alas, to no avail. No one woman has ever seemed quite fretlicous enough to warrant being by Dewbie’s side for very long, quel crap.

But that certainly didn’t keep the femmes from following Mr. S round the above party, as (pathetically) discreet as they thought they were being. So very ironically, it turned out to be a guy who made the following discovery:

A fellow guest got bored. After all, it was late, and a lot of the major players, not to mention the soiree’s staff, had gone home. Said guy went to the coat check room, which had been abandoned, and he headed back into the furthest interior space inside the long closet. He heard moans. And he heard slurps. And he realized Missy Coat Check might just still be around after all, getting a very nice tip from a fellow departing reveler.

But when the dude got to the back of the check area, looking up from his crouched position and staring back was a superflushed Dewbie Stammer, having just finished servicing a guy lying down on the floor. No wonder Dewbie never seems to meet the right girl!

(He’s always looking for the right trick in a box.)

And It Ain't: Luke Wilson, Jim Carrey, Jeremy Piven 

Also eliminated: Andy Samberg, Justin Timberlake, Jason Schwartzman, Zach Braff, Edward Norton

Top suspect: David Schwimmer

Monday, April 19, 2010

Buzzfoto Blind Item #308

In this celebrity couple, he seems quiet and nice, she seems a little bossy and over bearing. But it was he who allegedly pushed her down the stairs when the two had an argument last week.

Not Posh and Becks.

Saturday, April 17, 2010

Vintage BV - Julep Jiggle & Driscoll Dreamboat

Another "couple" blind vice from the archives...
One Foreboding Blind Vice - Jan 31, 2006
Blind Spot inro:  Most folks think of Driscoll Dreamboat as Mr. Nice Guy and deem his ex Julep Jiggle a tad, well, skanky. They obviously haven't read this item.
 A skinny starlet previously in rehab is back on the blow? Say it ain't so! Suckin' up lines in front of dozens of clubgoers? Shocked!
As if.

I mean, gals getting their fix of nose candy in the VIP area is nothing new in Hell-Ay. I've got some much juicier gossip about a supposedly squeaky-clean twosome...

Breaking up is so hard to do, and the aftermath is never pretty. There are so many unanswered questions. Who gets what? Who's to blame? Who will hook up with someone new first? Who will be named in a scandalous, kinky lawsuit? And finally, who cheated?

As if divorces weren't ugly enough, things between Julep Jiggle and Driscoll Dreamboat are about get downright abysmal--even though their split occurred some time ago. You see, in the near future, someone's most likely going to file a lawsuit. And in that suit will be highly incriminating conversations about one partner's penchant for extramarital threesomes--so says balking babe with fancy lawyers. This is so exciting, I feel just like Tom Cruise in The Firm!

Now, I bet you've already pinned Julep as the obvious offender. After all, rumors were flying that J.J. hooked up with a slew of humpy high-rollers. People say she's self-centered and demanding. (By the way, who isn't in this damn town?)

Yep, everyone felt très sorry for poor D2. He seemed like such a nice guy.

Until now. Since he married Julep, Dris has been gettin' more nasty nooky than ever, according to legal-filing chick. And, evidently, Driscoll's a multitasker. Not just around the house but in the bedroom, too. Three's never a crowd for this guy...the more, the merrier. As if that's not naughty enough, Driscoll hinted he might also be down for a threesome with a smokin' girl...and a very hot, semi-famous bud. Yes, buddy, as in a dude.

Whatever, threesomes are the norm here in Blindville.

But you know what's exciting about this one, gals? In like a few weeks, you're prolly gonna know exactly who I'm talkin' about. We'll talk then, 'kay?

And it ain't:  Alec Baldwin/Kim Basinger, Lorenzo Lamas/Shauna Sands Lamas, Chad Lowe/Hilary Swank
Also eliminated - Reese Witherspoon/Ryan Phillipe, Rebecca Romijn/John Stamos, Christina Applegate/Jonathan Schaech, Shannon Elizabeth, Jennifer Aniston

Top suspects - were Jessica Simpson/Nick Lachey; however as of 11/22/10 Nick has never had a BV so this couple and other BV couples can not be Nick and Jess.

Vintage BV - Slick Nick

Going back to 2004 to dig this one up!

One Helpful Blind Vice - December 16, 2004

Colin Farrell Movie (Face) Poster Print - 24" X 36"Slick Nick has it all: career, great hair, looks, chicks everywhere he burps and winks. Damn, he's got everything a full-blooded, babe-beddin' straight stud could ever wet-dream of, right? Well...

Yep...and nope.

You see, ol' naughty Nick---who has made the rep for himself these days tackling every kinda acting role under the eclectic sun--isn't all that his female fans hope and pant for him to be. Old story, really.

It's just that Mr. Nick, who's downright dedicated to appearing as hetero as possible whenever cameras are present (dead giveaway most times), did a little homo research in his early emoting days. And it wasn't for a movie.

Let's say it was more for any film job, as in the ol' casting couch-a-roonie. But with a guy. A very unpleasant man, I might add. Not too cute, either, but oh, was this lascivious geezer ever connected: right to the Hollywood machinery that then proceeded to whir and purr and kick and spurt, all for Slick Nick's glorious unfolding career.

Was it worth it, Nick?

Of course it was! You've just learned to be more discriminating in your same-sex gigs now. The non nine-to-five ones. Or so I hear.

And it ain't: Ben Affleck, Orlando Bloom, Cuba Gooding Jr.

Also eliminated - Jude Law, Owen Wilson, Vince Vaughn

Top guess - Colin Farrell

Vintage BV: Pete Poked, Charmaine Chuck-Up

Since Ted mentioned Pete Poked in his column recently, we're bringing back another one of his oldies...

One Reserved-Parking Blind Vice - Sept 7, 2006

Another Hollywood bustup. Boo-freakin'-hoo. Excuse me if I'm not exactly cryin' into my hanky. In this town, where relationships last about as long as lunchtime Botox sessions, peeps who manage to stay together are the real newsworthy ones, don't you all think? Anyhow, I never really thought Pete Poked and Charmaine Chuck-Up were such hot 'n' heavy lovebirds in the first place.

I mean, you can't place your Prius in a spot that's already taken, can you? 'Course not! Kinda like how Char-love couldn't possibly be the stylish ride of choice for Petey's daredevil desires, 'cause he's already had a serious shotgun boyfriend for quite sometime. Yes, that's right: Just like Toothy and so many of the friggin' rest of 'em, P2 likes the boys, not the girls--no matter how thin or pretty or pouty they may be.

I'm told this par-tick tight boyish twosome enjoys sportin' weekend jaunts to the mountains, where they can hit the slopes and canoodle by candlelight far, far away from those pesky papa-Nazis. Wonder if Charmaine recently found out about these little snowy va-cays and went berserk, hence their recent bustup?

Or maybe she knew about them all along and is just dumping him now that her face has become so gaunt, she can't even fake the fake no more? Note to snitty types: Eat! Or your emoting capabilities nosedive, as it were.

And it ain't: Jennifer Aniston/Vince Vaughn, Tori Spelling/Dean McDermott, or Jessica Simpson/John Mayer

Also eliminated - Tobey Maguire, Charlize Theron/Stuart Townsend, Joel Madden/Hillary Duff

Top suspects - Orlando Bloom/Kate Bosworth, Jude Law/Sienna Miller, Leonardo DiCaprio, Gisele Bundchen

Here is the other vintage BV in which Pete Poked is mentioned.

Vintage BV: Prucella Tight-Tush & Butchy Billfold

As requested by a reader snickersmom81, here is an oldie which she thinks may be Sandra Bullock and Jesse James...

One Frigid Fete Blind Vice - January 24, 2006

It's not surprising that Prucella Tight-Tush and Butchy Billfold threw a big bash recently. Hell, this dynamo duo's got a zillion reasons to pop open the bubbly--not to mention a fancy, preened and photographed manse.

No, what's really whack is that anyone showed up to their prissy shindig at all. After all, amigos de Butchy know he's more of a, shall we say, daytime partier. Butchy's bashes tend to be more exclusive, as in...

Only. Hookers. Allowed.

Yep, B. Billfold's idea of a soiree favor is prolly a bottle of Johnny Walker and a dental dam. I'm certain he's safe with the prostitutes he entertains on an alarmingly regular basis. Heaven knows if he got any goo on the gardening tools, Prucella would have his head, fast, damn straight .

Which is what makes Missus Tight-Tush's fiasco of a party so damn amusing, if you ask moi. Picture it: five girls on one side of the room; five boys crammed on the other--including an orgasm-inducing actor who's hot on his comeback. No boy-girl mingling. Radio blasting. Radio! Even during the commercials, dear gawd.

Of course, everyone humored the missus and stayed for the obligatory post-meal chitchat time, wondering how long Prucella and Butchy plan on torturing their guests at these sorry soiress in the future. And the second that socially conscious hour struck, the posh place was deserted.

Hmmm. Will these two famous (and handsome) folks ever combine forces and throw a bring-your-own-vaseline-themed tea party, I wonder? I doubt it. She's way too busy working.

And it ain't: Tom Hanks/Rita Wilson, Gwen Stefani/Gavin Rossdale, Jada Pinkett Smith/Will Smith

Also eliminated: Madonna/Guy Ritchie, Jennifer Lopez/Marc Anthony

Top suspects: Reese Witherspoon/Ryan Phillippe, Sarah Jessica Parker/Matthew Broderick, Jennifer Garner/Ben Affleck

Friday, April 16, 2010

Blind Vice: Seymour Wants Privacy and Padded Bras

New from Ted:

Blind Vice: Seymour Wants Privacy and Padded Bras

The Best Of John TravoltaSeymour Plow-Me-More is hardly in the closet. That is, if you live in L.A. Saying Seymour's gay is like saying Tom Cruise is super into Scientology. It's just a known fact.
So why, then, is SPMM, who happens to look rather fetching in a dress, still shy about his homosexual ways? After all, Plow hardly blushes when he propositions men for sexy time in bath houses. Plus, it's not even like Seymour has a red-hot career to worry about.
Thing is, coming out is über-complicated—as we assure you, outing himself isn't entirely Sey's decision alone. There are far too many people and companies relying on SPMM being this big macho Hollywood man (which we, and America, so aren't buying anymore).

Guess that's the only reason Mr. More is taking extra precautions:
Ritzy spas are hardly the only place Plow-Me-More likes to get his freak on. Just like any married skank in this town, Sey-babe hits the dirty-ass club scene to get his gay on, too.
Problemo is certain folks have Seymour occasionally concerned that people are watching his every friggin' move trying to out him. Like, duh. So what's a gay man with a legacy at stake to do? Well, SPMM made one particular club (since he's such a regular there) install an extra-special private door to give him more discreet in-and-out pun intended.
We just don't know what to do anymore! 'Mour is so desperate to get out of his situation he has going on with the Missus, et al, he will just never do it himself, ultimately.
So, should we break our cardinal rule of no outing?
Seriously, if the fact that Seymour dresses up in drag (it's where he feels quite comfortable) during his alone time isn't a rainbow herring enough, we don't know what is. If it isn't gonna be us doing the dirty work, you bet it's gonna be someone else with a camera and mortgage ready to sell out old S.
We'll play nice for now and let Seymour Plow enjoy his time out of the spotlight. Dude's already been through enough. Unless you all disagree?

And It Ain't: Tom Cruise, Alec Baldwin, Tom Hanks

Here are the links to the previous SPMM blind vices: November 2007, November 2009 including a full list of who has been eliminated, and January 2010.  And here's the latest from Sept 2010.

Top suspect (from last Seymour BVs): John Travolta

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Vintage BV: Botox-Bang Slasher

From 3/12/07 -

One Girlie-Gunning Blind Vice

Bet you’d be surprised to hear that Botox-Bang Slasher isn’t the well-behaved home hon she appears to be. B2 was in a hit campy TV show, as well as a string of flicks on the big screen, along with some not so hot movies lately.

Now, B-Bang got hitched to her honey a while back, and she appeared to settle down, keeping a fairly low profile. You don’t hear about this couple fighting; they’re not seen out at Hyde every other night...You get the idea.

But evidently, B.B. did get a little sassy a while back in New Yawk. Botox was spotted full-on making out with another femme in plain public view at a bar. Makes me wonder if she’s really into the girls or just had a few too many and was being silly?

Also can’t help but wonder if her hubby knows about her girl-on-girl lip-locks. Does he know? Does he even care? I’ve heard he might be in to guys himself, so maybe their whole happy Hollywood marriage is a farce?

Like myriad middle-America ones ain’t, either.

And it ain't: Felicity Huffman, Jada Pinkett Smith, Melanie Griffith

Also eliminated: Jennifer Lopez, Debra Messing, Courteney Cox

Top suspect: Sarah Michelle Gellar

Vintage BV: Dinky Rider & Clenched Class

April 21, 2006 -

One Randy 'n' Rockin' Blind Vice

Spring fever! It's here, darlings. I knew it was when a very de-lish lass spared no moist detail as she related her mattress mash-up with an action-remake director. Will they meet again?

Oh, who cares! We have better thumpin' things to talk about today. Like, say, crooner Dinky Rider and his pretty damn serious girlfriend, Clenched Class.

Here's what's funny: C.C. is so sumptuous (though some would call the babe prissy) that it's hard to picture her in something as common and practical as...a bus. Yet D.R. is quite the opposite when it comes to moving vehicles (his private parts most definitely included).

There was a concert. Girlies galore were stampeding Mr. R., who was doing his best to shun the horny honeys, as things are superserious between C. 'n' D.

Keep that lovely sentiment in mind while we zoom in on a bus parked backstage for Dinky's private use.

Frantic fans, journalists and roadies milled about, soaking up the fun-ass scene. And then a door opened from Dink's wheels. And a remarkably curvy gal emerged with that look on her face, you know--the glow. Wonder if said peach-puss had anything to do with muffled screams and quiet moans heard prior from same locale? Hmmm.

Two points of note: Mystery bedhead babe is a very different body type from C.C. All they have in common is...well, I won't say. I wouldn't want Clenched to come after me with a blow dryer or anything.

And it ain't: Beyonce/Jay-Z, Heidi Klum/Seal, Drew Barrymore/Fab Moretti

Also eliminated: Usher/Naomi Campbell, Chris Martin/Gwyneth Paltrow, Mischa Barton/Cisco

Top guesses: Hillary Duff/Joel Madden, Nicole Kidman/Keith Urban

Vintage BV: Fudgy Poof and Diandra Dope

Sept 28, 2005

One Fake-Ass Blind Vice

All across America, celeb watchers are wishin' and hopin' that Fudgy Poof and Diandra Dope are an item. Oh, how cute they would be! Folks can hardly talk 'bout these two without damned exclamation marks!!! He's so real--how has he remained unattached for so many years? And she's so...well, she's Diandra, and that's good enough for most.

True, I'm starting to feel like all the world's an all-boys theater camp in the Catskills and I'm the one hiding in the bushes with the binoculars. Yep, here we go again.

Fudgy does go a-courtin'. But not for ladies. Not even if they're all hot 'n' taut like Diandra.

Oh sure, there have been whispers about Fudge-stud. But this week, he propositioned one of the manliest men I know. In public. Why so bold? Well, he's had that mopey Ms. Dope hangin' all over him. Now she's off his back, and it's his turn to do the mounting.

Too bad he's not my type. But really, he's, um, not. At all. Even a little bit.

And it ain't: Nicky Hilton/Kevin Connolly, Orlando Bloom/Kate Bosworth, Jermaine Dupri/Janet Jackson.
Also eliminated: Kirstin Dunst/Jake Gyllenhaal, Nicole Kidman/Keith Urban

We really thought at the time this was Vince Vaughn and Jennifer Ansiton. But Ted has said that JA was never a BV. Throwing this out there in case it is Sandra Bullock's? Perhaps Renee Zellweger and Kenny Chesney?  *Update - Ted now says Jennifer Aniston is attached to a BV - she and Vince Vaughn top suspects again!

*Top suspects: Renee Zellweger/Kenny Chesney  ~OR~ Vince Vaughn/Jennifer Aniston

Vintage BV: 3 in one

From Nov 2006

Three Envelope Dangling Blind Vices

Is it the upcoming holiday season, or is our lovely assortment of trim-waisted (and closeted) H-town fruitcakes getting increasingly mistletoe-ready in public 'cause they're getting closer and closer to officially coming out? (As if anybody left in the free world doesn't friggin' know who these cavorting fagolas are.)

First off, our fave, and top tumescent dawg, Toothy Tile: T2 was just caught at a fancy-ass New Yawk restaurant playing footsie with the b-f underneath the table. Right in front of Tooth's 'rents! And the busboys! Not to mention a few (thank gawd) Awful Truth readers, too fun. Tooth-doll, makes sense, as I hear you're getting thisclose to superdomesticating things with your most benevolently forgiving man. What, getting tired of the doin'-it-in-the-parking-lot scene, T-man? Regardless, congrats!

Even more daring would be Renaldo Rim-Me, who's now holding hands with his main hombre in myriad Starbucks and quasi-posh dance clubs across the nation. What-ev.

But really, the more intriguing of our on-the-edge homo report this week involves Matinee Mooner, who's about as discreet with his homosexuality as Star Jones Reynolds is with her temper. Yet in between screwing his latest male conquest in myriad semipublic locales (takes after Toothy, this one), Mr. Mooner took time out to plug his almost heady career, stopping over for a little couch chat with Oprah, and seduced her so in the process.

Not on camera (or behind), mind you, M2 just sorta got his pearlie jobs all sparkling fer the talented broad, and it was no secret Ms. O. was rather smitten.

Must explain why, then, some important members of O.'s team subsequently made it quite plain to a visiting friend of theirs, a little later on, that Matinee was, like, "so gay." This announcement by the big O.'s pro campers came right after their innocent little amiga proclaimed her smitten-ness for M.M.

Jeez, Moon-babe. When the nation's most powerful boob-tube movers 'n' shakers are busy spreading your boy-on-boy biz, I'd say that 9-to-5 gig of yours might be coming to a halt. Or at least a bit o' a slow down.

Just a hunch, nothing more.

Have fun, all you handsome horn dogs!

(NO AIA's)

Matinee Mooner is NOT: Barry Manilow
Renaldo Rim-Me is NOT Jamie Foxx, Usher, Leonardo DiCaprio, Will Smith, Wilmer Valderrama

Top guesses:
Toothy Tile
- Jake Gyllenhaal
Renaldo Rim-Me
- Ricky Martin
Matinee Mooner
- Matthew McConaughey, Jamie Foxx, Anderson Cooper, Tom Cruise, John Travolta