One Messy, Meth-Powered Blind Vice

From Ted last Friday 6/26/09 -

One Messy, Meth-Powered Blind Vice

Emma Uh-Oh was such the hot, writhing babe for a while not all that long ago really. All supersexy, superskinny, superglossy gal power, mainly on the small screen, Ms. U-O was indeed a major player on some of the boob tube's hottest shows (and she had the hot curves to match). We could totally see her making all the straight menfolk drool on red carpets had she not taken herself off them.

How? The worst way, folks—she wasn't lazy or unmotivated. She was on...

...meth, the fastest career-ruining (hell, not to mention life-ruining) substance out there.

Now, this ain't like heroin-addicted Brain-Fry Noodlestein, who totally gives everyone the skeeves wherever he goes nowadays. This is a far less for-camera checking out of one's capabilities. Really, you'd never know Em was hooked on the hard stuff, most likely, since she's still totally doable. Great skin and a great stylist can totally cover up anything, even a supernasty meth habit.

The producers for Em's last high-profile gig totally loved her and offered to keep her on, even if she went the rehabilitation route. No go. She didn't buy it. I mean, she might as well have starting humming a few "no, no, no" lines from Amy Winehouse's "Rehab" to those suits. In fact, I think she did!

But then, Em changed her mind about rehab. She tried it out to appease her employers, but in the end, EUO just didn't want to quit and went back to getting high. She was axed from her latest popular show and, sorry, but Em's chances of sustaining any smoldering It babe status and taking it to the next level went right out along with her trailer's contents.

And not only did Em get fired from her last hot job for refusing, ultimately, to give up the nastyass stuff, she lost her last hottie boyfriend, another TV player who's currently gallivanting around town with yet another small-screen honey from a hit teen show.

It's all so sadly incestuous, ain't it?

And it ain't: Nicolette Sheridan, Shannen Doherty, Jessica Biel

* Update 12/23/09 - Ted has also eliminated Mischa Barton, Heather Locklear, Autumn Reeser, Brittany Snow, Paris Hilton, Brittany Murphy.

* Top suspect: Samaire Armstrong.

One Tweet-Deceiver Bonus Blind Vice!

From Ted Monday 6/29...

One Tweet-Deceiver Bonus Blind Vice!

Celebs aren't exactly known to be truth tellers—Toothy Tile continuously lying to himself and every ridiculous excuse Lindsay Lohan's made to get out of pretty much anything are proof enough of that. But Melinda Miscreant is another story. Dame's fibbing 'bout her own flesh 'n' blood, incredibly tacky.

Mel, who somehow still gets TV work despite peaking years ago, is as guilty of desiring followers on her Twitter page as every other Kutcher-like celeb with an online presence.

But that's not the truly heinous part. The despicable side of M.M.'s Internet persona is that she's totally painting a prettier pic of her motherly abilities, and the ones who are totally paying for it are her kids:

M.M. has gotten on enough people's nerves in her recent attention-seeking antics that she's doing whatever she can do to get her former fans to like her again. Instead of her sexuality (hasn't worked in a while), she's focusing on winning Mother of the Year—without really working for it.

Mel is known to tweet that she's at the park with her kids, when in actuality, she's really she's off tanning! So say totally tight M.M. sources who are with the babe while she deceptweets right in front of 'em! She'll totally update her status to say she's with her kids at, say, an ice cream parlor, when really she's at the spa, sans offspring. We're surprised she's putting this much effort into faux-mothering her kids instead of just schlepping them outside for a photo op. At least then your kids would actually see ya sometime.

And we thought the kids' father was the badly behaving one. Hardly. Certainly he has his own parenting problems, but at least he barely tweets a thing, let alone lies.

And it ain't: Victoria Beckham, Nicole Richie, Demi Moore

* Update July 8 - Ted has eliminated Linda Hogan, Lisa Rinna, Shanna Moakler.

* Our top suspect - Denise Richards.

Page Six

Just Asking:
June 26, 2009 --
WHICH former elected official has been cheating on her husband? This wife and mother was spotted going into a Midtown hotel with the head of a group pushing school reform, who's also married. Said our source, "Not the first time and not the last time" . . . WHICH rocker is back on drugs? Although she claims to be clean, when she checked out of a Manhattan hotel recently, the maid found the room littered with dirty needles.

Lainey - She trumps Life or Death

New riddle from Lainey yesterday 6/23/09 -

She trumps Life or Death

Classic story of celebrity entitlement. And she’s supposed to be so professional and sweet, not nearly as many diva stories about her than about her peers, though if you’re getting in the way of her meal, and her Maybach, you better move the f-ck out, even if you’re an old woman in an emergency situation.

It was two blocks from the Waverly very recently. An elderly woman – 84 years old – went into heart failure. The paramedic arrived immediately and tried to stabilise her before moving her to the hospital. It became a traffic clusterf-ck so the cops had to redirect vehicles over to the next block because the ambulance was waiting for the patient.

A black Maybach approaches, disregards the police instruction, and drives towards the ambulance. An officer stops the car and tells the driver to reroute:

Driver: We're going to the Waverly Inn.

Officer: We have an emergency situation and everyone has to re-route to the next block over - just go one block around.

(Moaning and groaning and whining was heard from the female passenger in the back seat).

Driver: Isn't there any way we could get through?

Offider: Sir, this is an emergency vehicle, we have an emergency situation - EVERYone must re-route. You'll have to go around the block.

And then an imperious (female) voice pipes up from the back of the Maybach..

"Well can't they just move the ambulance?"

The officer is incredulous. Then annoyed. And then he gives it to her, informing our star that "LIFE OR DEATH situations dictate traffic decisions - not anything or ANYONE else. You must re-route now."

She grudgingly told her driver to find another way, inconvenienced that a senior citizen had to choose her mealtime to have a heart attack. The nerve.

* Update June 25 - Lainey has hinted this riddle to be about Beyonce.

NYDN Gatecrasher - 6.19.09

WICKED WHISPERS: Which music mogul looks at himself in the mirror every morning and recites an ode to his greatness?

One Vagina'd Deceiver Blind Vice

We didn't name the title so don't blame us. Ted's latest posted today...

One Vagina'd Deceiver Blind Vice

Remember meeting Dommy-Do-Rightly a couple of weeks ago? The Hollywood wannabe princess who definitely thinks her sh-t don't stank?
Well, Dommy dearest just doesn't know how to keep her indiscretions all that quiet. Which, of course, we love.
The TV, and attempted big-screen, queen has been in one fairly high-profile relaysh and is definitely no stranger to the dating scene—despite her youngish age. Well, it turns out she's much more experienced than any of you would have guessed.
Think you know what we mean?
DDR is a freak in the sheets! Her lap-dancin', powder-inhalin' party ways were just the beginning, kids, 'cause we just got sex-smelly wind of a crazyass threesome DDR recently had overseas. After splitting with her boyfriend, Dommy got her skank on during one of her save-the-world efforts. And we're talking about a totally kinky ménage à trois!
One stud, one gal and Ms. Rightly doing the horizontal mambo all drunken night long! Oh love it, she's into girls, too—don't tell Carrie Prejean! (Anything that reeks of being gay sends that bitch over the edge, as you know.)
Seriously, looking at little miss blondie, you would never think she had it in her—we don't know whether to be impressed or disturbed. Most likely the latter, because despite D's efforts to the contrary, publicly, Ms. D.-R. just lacks total sex appeal in our very biased minds.
And It Ain't: Ana Paquin, Lauren Conrad, AnnaLynne McCord

Here is a link to the other Dommy Blind Vice post, including a full list of who has been eliminated.


Our top guess is still Hayden Panetierre.

One Bugged-Out Belter Blind Vice

From Ted this past Friday - sorry for the delay.

One Bugged-Out Belter Blind Vice

Princess Powder-Puff has had quite the rocky existence for the past couple of years. Besides being a sizeable tabloid target, Princess P. has had some career setbacks, too. Maybe that's because everyone around Pee uses her for something. And whatever goodies those fake pals are gaining, it's never in PPP's best interest, for sure.
See, Puff hardly has any real buds. Sad, but very true.
Now, don't feel too bad for the babe, 'cause with her money she could easily be getting help if she wanted it. Instead, Triple-Pee resorts to seeking a different kinda aid from those around her.
Like drugs. The hard stuff, babes. Like what ruins major divas' careers before the whole global tabloid world's eyes. Powder-Puff is scrounging for a fix and isn't being too subtle about it, in whatever town she happens to be touring through. And what's Pee's great idea so nobody finds out? She's asking her crew members left and right for them to score something, anything, for her.
Genius.
Yikes, this is definitely gonna make PPP's comeback 10 times harder. Just more trainwreckishly delish for us to watch, that's all.
Oh, you all do know Princess isn't used to performing sober, don't you? It's something she absolutely hates doing, and it's definitely showing—the few times she agrees to be forced into such a desultory state.
So sad, too, 'cause Pee used to have it all. Boys, hits, good-girl fame—the works.

And it ain't: Nicole Scherzinger, Nadine Coyle, Christina Aguilera

As of 1/20/11 Ted has eliminated Mischa Barton, Selena Gomez, Lindsay Lohan, Nicole Scherzinger, Nadine Cole, Christina Aguilera.

On 9/3/09 - The top suspect for this was Britney Spears after the AT team has revealed that past revealed BV subjects have been given new names. (Britney was formerly Ivana Belch but it was revealed.)
HOWEVER -
Update 1/18/11 - Ted states that Princess Powder-Puff did not have a BV already.  (This pretty much eliminates Britney.)

Current top suspect - ?

Please see the label below for the new PPP BV from Jan 2011.

* Clue 1/13/11 - Ted states PPP was born before the fall of the Berlin Wall.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Edited to add:

Here is the Blind Vice which Ted REVEALED to be Britney Spears:

One Bitches on the Verge Blind Vice - Feb 23, 2006


I swear, suits and serious folks can be the biggest babies in this town. Originally, I was going to tell you about certain boardroom types who are having public hissy fits about this whole Clay Aiken threatened class(less) action suit.
But I'm so bored with Clay-mate talk that if I have to write about it for another second I'm gonna roll over and let Simon Cowell have his whippin' way with me. Boooring. Just the same, as long as we're on this quasi-S&M trip, we may as well delve into a scandal even more ghoulishly girly than a sexually ambiguous pop star.
(Besides, I'm too upset about the cancellation of Love Monkey to talk music right now. And no, I am not kidding.)
Okay, get out the Kleenex. Because whatever you may have done on Valentine's Day, I'm sure you had a peachier time than Ivana Belch.
Picture it. One of WeHo's snazziest boutiques. I.B. saunters in looking bloated, like she'd spent the morning crying into her feather bed alone instead of banging pillows against the walls in the throws of passion. A shame, yes, given that I.B. is certainly attached to a dude. But it gets worse.
"Suddenly, she burst out crying, sobbing really, and went into the dressing room," whispers my stunned shopping source. "It was so sad. You wanted to hug her."
Now, you might say to yourself, 'What's the big deal, Ted? So a girl cries in her dressing room, so what? I mean, Kirstie Alley made a comeback out of that."
And I, of course, would respond by reminding you of certain glaring, unspeakable circumstances.
Ivy is a mega star. She is not Kirstie-size in terms of fame or physique. Plus, need I remind you again? It was Valentine's, and though I don't know Ivana all that well, she sure seems like a gal who would want her man to douse her in chocolate body syrup. Or, you know, just get her some roses.
But the bottom line is pretty simple. If you ask moi, dressing rooms are as sacred as bedrooms. And I'm sure I.B. would agree--well, actually, maybe not. I mean, if that were the case, she'd prolly have a nicer wardrobe.

And it ain't: Nicole Ritchie, Kelly Clarkson, Hilary Duff

And here's the letter where Ted revealed:

"Dear Ted:
I am so hoping the One Bitches-on-the-Verge Blind Vice is about Britney Spears. Please tell me I'm right!
  Kayla Smart
  Kansas


Dear Right On:
As you are, my sweet, 'tis Ms. S."

So.... Britney Spears was revealed as Ivana Belch.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Lainey- Bro Massage

They’ve been friends a long time. Recently worked together. Both family men now supposedly settled down. But not quite. Several times a week, very late at night, they’d call up for room service together. Oh no, not for food, but for a certain kind of massage. Like…together. They’d get off on it together. Literally. Apparently they’ve been doing this for years. It’s how they bond. Some dudes like beer. These dudes like the hand and mouth special. Lately it hasn’t happened often enough – schedules, kids, etc. Needless to say, when the opportunity presented itself, they made up for lost time.Problem: one of the wives found out. Is now threatening to tell the other. Almost like blackmail. She wants them to stop hanging out AND she wants the friend to find her husband a replacement gig to make up for the one he’ll lose if she makes him pull out of their next collaboration. Hollywood wives can wheel and deal, see? But she’s been placated before. He’s waiting for the rage to go down, and then he’ll buy her off again. A break from the bro massage until then.

* Update July 29 - Lainey has eliminated Casey/Ben Affleck, Casey Affleck/Joaquin Phoenix, Sean Penn/Josh Brolin, Tom Cruise/Ben Stiller, Lance Armstrong/Matthew McConaughey, Matt Damon/Ben Affleck, Tom Cruise/Will Smith, Tom Cruise/John Travolta, Brad Pitt/Sean Penn, Keith Urban/Brad Paisley, Jude Law/Ewan McGregor, Pete Wentz/Joel Madden, Leonardo DiCaprio/Tobey Maguire, Hugh Jackman/Liev Schreiber, Judd Apatow/Adam Sandler, Adam Sandler/Rob Schneider, Will Ferrell/anyone, Wayans Brothers, Vince Vaughn & Jon Favreau.

Top guess: Chris Rock & Adam Sandler

Page Six- Just Asking

June 10, 2009 --
WHICH married Chicago billionaire has a girlfriend in New York and plans for a romantic getaway in Montauk this weekend? Friends say the other woman isn't even at tractive.

Page Six- Just Asking

June 8, 2009 --
WHICH once prominent magazine writer/TV interviewer now appears in elegant homes wearing men's clothes and a fedora? Sighed one jaded observer, "These days, becoming a lesbian is a career move" . . . WHICH sexy leading man, known for his wandering eye, recently hooked up with a pouty songstress? The raven-haired rocker is a big change from his usual choice of supermodels . . . WHICH actor is on hiatus due to a drug relapse? He claimed he needed time off because of the heartbreak of his public split, but he's actually headed to rehab.

Blind Vice: Not-So-Secret Bisexual Twilight Star

From Ted today:

Blind Vice: No-So-Secret Bisexual Twilight Star

The funny thing about the uproar over whether or not Robsten exists (they "so" do, as sources from Summit have even told us) is this: There's an equally sex-a-licious member of the Twilight team who's making tongues wiggle, wag and gossip in overdrive!
Meet Terry Tush-Trade, who likes both boys and girls. I mean, why limit yourself to just one sex, isn't that every bisexual's mantra? It certainly is that of Triple-T, who's as smooth about hooking up with members of both sexes as Ashley Greene is about finagling photo ops.
One question, though: Does Terry's also-famous partner know about Tush-Trade's predilection for both sexes?
Abso-friggin'-lutely!
That's precisely why they work so well together. See, Terry's other half also likes to swing both ways. Uh, are you getting absolutely dingbat dizzy at this point?
Well, hang on, because it's just begun: Terry, so slim, so hot, so breathtakingly badass, and said partner were brought together in the first place because somebody else who possesses major power in the Twilight franchise also likes to get it on, bisexual-style. And there's even more!
Terry's gotten it on up in Vancouver, and elsewhere, with somebody besides the significant other everybody's always photographing TTT with. And it's created a messy, sticky sitch within the cast. So much so, the upcoming filming of Eclipse is going to make The Hills seem like a Golden Girls rerun.
Cannot wait.
And it ain't: Dakota Fanning, Elizabeth Reiser, Chris Weitz

* Update 6/9/11 - Ted has eliminated Dakota Fanning, Elizabeth Reiser, Chris Weitz, Justin Chon, Nikki Reed, Catherine Hardwick, Rachelle Lafevre, Taylor Lautner, Sarah Clarke, Jackson Rathbone, Anna Kendrick, Rob Pattinson, Ashley Greene, Billy Burke, Kellan Lutz, Christian Serratos, Michael Welch, Megan Fox, Chaz Bono, Xavier Samuel, Wyck Godfrey, Stephenie Meyer, Reese Witherspoon.

Here is the link to the 7/31/09 TTT BV.  And here is the link to the 7/9/10 TTT BV.

* Our top suspect: ??? Although Kristen Stewart is one of the only ones left for this... but we think she may be Twyla Babe Sucker from a different BV.