Blind Vice: Why Are Gals Passing On Well Equipped Player?

New BV from Ted Friday...

Blind Vice: Why Are Gals Passing On Well Equipped Player?


Poor, poor Smokey Shooter. First, he and his gal couldn't really work out the domestic thing, then he and his honey called it quits, oh, no!
They were such a cute couple. But you'll either be really sad or really happy to hear Smokey's wasted no time in moving on from his ex lady-love. Only problem being his new love interests all seem to have the same two complaints about the good-lookin' actor with a fair amount of movie cred:

Actually, make that one and a half complaints, because some gals aren't so bothered by one of this dude's, uh, problems, as it were. Namely, that he's just too big. And we're not talkin' just the guy's ego, honeys.
Add to that sometime painful attribute the fact that Smokey has a fondness for solving his flatulence issues while in bed with his various women.
Result? Some gals pretend not to notice. Others scold Smokey with mock disbelief. Few are so upset they don't give Smokey another go. In fact, make that all.
Which is probably why Smokey's never seemed to really care about giving his women warning, once he finds himself on the verge of breaking wind.
OK, I understand why a lotta gals put up with crap like not lifting the toilet seat, but, why more babes don't give this babe grief for acting like he's in a Jim Carrey movie is beyond me.
Does size really matter that much?
And It Ain't: Ryan Reynolds, Hugh Hefner, Leonardo DiCaprio

Please use the label below to see our post on the previous Smokey Shooter BV, including a full list of who has been eliminated.

Top suspect: Ashton Kutcher (however he is also a suspect for another BV, see label)

Blind Vice! Spineless Hubby Gets Too Kinky In Bed

New from Ted today -

Blind Vice!  Spineless Hubby Gets Too Kinky In Bed

Remember the overly timid (but good-looking) hubby, Pussy Gabor?
Poor thing never really found the nerve to stand up to his bossy wife, and most folks never thought he would.
Well, that was before Pussy discovered the magical benefits of a marital ménage à trois:
Both Pussy, as well as his wife, Shar-Shar Max, agreed that throwing another girl into the mix was perhaps a good idea at spicing up their ho-hum marriage.
Of course, Shar-Shar and Pussy never stopped to really analyze themselves. If they had, they would have discovered that's where problem lied: They're simply nice, boring people!
But, we digress.
The more these three-ways became a habit, the further and further Pussy and Shar-Shar fell away from a happy union. In fact, the swinging sex scene the attractive couple adopted just happened to be the beginning of the end of their relationship.
Three things: Why do couples (gay and straight) always expect screwing other parties not to effect their marriages? Almost always does—and not in a good way. Remember, somebody always gets kissed a little less in those uneven situations!
Secondly, maybe if they'd had both gals and guys, things would have turned out differently? Eh, probably not.
Lastly, a few of these third parties had recording equipment: huge problem.
And It Ain't: Diane Lane & Josh Brolin, Will Smith & Jada Pinkett Smith, Michael C. Hall & Jennifer Carpenter

Top suspects: Ashton Kutcher & Demi Moore

Please use the label below to read our previous post on the previous Pussy Gabor BV.

Vintage: One Spouse-Whipped Blind Vice

Someone asked for the old BV that was suspected to be about Ashton and Demi. Here it is from October of '06.

One Spouse-Whipped Blind Vice

‘Kay, it’s the first one outta the redesign bag, so for that celebratory reason, I’ll give ya a fairly easy one--like I’ve haven’t done that with you folks already, as of late. But whatev.


Pussy Gabor is known for his cut-rate artistic talents, as well as his hefty, more Gawd-gifted talents below. He’s also a good dad--of that, I must profess.


But yo, doesn’t a good hubby also stand up and make himself heard, instead of doing every damn thing his wife-unit tells him to do? Well, I guess being an equally vibrant marriage partner is an idea that belongs to a diff century than the one Mr. G. has his supple tush ‘n’ hairdo buried in. At least it appears that way.


‘Cause guess who P.G. is asking permission from to attend all (and I mean all) his pro gigs? Uh-huh, the old lady from hell, I mean, heaven!

Pussy wanted to attend a movie premiere recently (in which he was friggin’ involved!), for ince, but Missus Pussy said no way, religious services come first.

End of discussion.

Didn’t matter, as P.’s press has never been overly kind to him, anyway. Just woulda fried the dude on the carpet, anyway.

(An unfortunate factoid to which Missus P. is no doubt hip.)

And it's not: Al Reynolds, Tom Hanks, James Brolin
Also eliminated: Ryan Phillipe, John Travolta, Guy Ritchie, Will Smith, Michael C. Hall

Here is the letter in which he basically reveals it is them:

Dear Ted:
You are the first thing I read every morning, and I miss you on the weekend. Now, for my guess—I think Ashton Kutcher is Pussy Gabor in One Spouse-Whipped Blind Vice. Am I right?
Nicole
Belmar, New Jersey

Dear N-Femme:
Closer than I care to admit, can I say that much?

Top suspect: Ashton Kutcher

One Not Knocked Up Blind Vice

New BV today Dec 26. From eonline's The Awful Truth by Ted Casablanca. Happy Holidays from Blind Items Exposed!

One Not Knocked Up Blind Vice

Hot couples earnestly trying to procreate in Hollywood usually get such great, fawning press, just as Marcia Cross and her man, or Josh Holloway and his gal, if you don't believe. But, what about when it all goes...wrong?
That's the certainly less celebrated coverage you hear about, and for good reason: Smokey Shooter and Mimi Kitten are one smokin' celeb couple—literally. And even though the multitalented lovebirds have a bunch of differences between them (namely, their ages), there's one thing they can settle on: They want a kid. Badly.
But there are two problemos in this offspring sitch:
First up, Mimi's had some issues with her ovaries—they ain't working. So M.K. and Smokey hightailed over to their friendly neighborhood fertility clinic to work it all out with a bit of help from their doc.
A baby would be a better possibility if it wasn't for the second dilemma—Smokey's dabbling in drugs has gone from a weekend hobby to a nearly full-time day gig, and it's messing with the dude's sperm. Too bad, 'cause a baby between these two could give Suri and Shiloh a run for their parents' money.
Get clean, you dopehead! Your woman's got enough probs as it is!
And It Ain't: Calista Flockhart & Harrison Ford, Jennifer Aniston & John Mayer, Katie Lee Joel & Billy Joel

Eliminated as of 12/2/11: Calista Flockhart & Harrison Ford, Jennifer Aniston & John Mayer, Katie Lee Joel & Billy Joel, Eva Longoria Parker & Tony Parker, Mariah Carey & Nick Cannon, Josh Brolin & Diane Lane, Ryan Reynolds, Hugh Hefner, Leonardo DiCaprio

** Top suspects: Demi Moore & Ashton Kutcher (? - they are top suspects for another BV, see labels)

Lainey - Boys are B*#&%es too!

From Lainey today, March 3rd -

Boys are Bitches too!

And not just the gay ones.

He is happily attached but his entire persona pre-commitment was based on the fact that he was just a dude. An immature funloving dude. An un-Hollywood dude who routinely pointed out the Hollywood hypocrisy of many other Hollywood dudes and douchebags.

Now he’s a big star in an A List relationship. Which of course gives him the right to act like a self important little big twat. But how f&cking spiritual is this?

Photo shoot this weekend for a gadget company he endorses. He too pulls out the primadonna moves:

Shows up 3 hours late. And again – don’t look at me, don’t talk to me, don’t even sneeze in my direction, and yes… it was made clear that he preferred to be alone with the photographer between frames, necessitating a run and gun scramble from the crew, meaning the photographer would have to holler for help in a different room every time an adjustment needed to be made.

Can you imagine? Can you imagine verbalising that order? Don’t look at me and don’t talk to me? When did that become ok?

Word is this is not unusual. It’s actually standard procedure where he’s concerned. On another occasion, he was particularly demanding when it came to his favourite tea, steeped for exactly 6 minutes, always needs to be piping hot even if he doesn’t touch it, can’t be microwaved, and he doesn’t like boiled tap water either. He wanted boiled bottled water. A special brand.
It never, ever stops. And it’s even worse when he’s with her. Apparently her makeup brushes have to be cleaned in special water too.

Update 3/5/08 - Lainey has eliminated Matthew McConaughey, Leonardo DiCaprio, Tom Brady, Justin Timberlake, Jake Gyllenhaal.
Guess in comments!

* Suspected: Ashton Kutcher