Blind Vice! Slutty Star Sleeps Her Way to the Middle!

New from Ted on Friday Sept 16 -

Blind Vice!  Slutty Star Sleeps Her Way to the Middle!


Everyone in Hollywood is wondering who Portia Vajazzle is dating.
She flies solo when she's strutting her stuff on whatever red carpet she happens to be walking that week, and even though she's been linked up to some of the hottest hunks this side of Beverly Hills, she remains (shockingly) single.
Or so she says. You see, Ms. Portia is plenty busy behind closed doors...
"She sleeps with everyone," a pal very in the know about Portia's lusty life tells us.
Well, she won't sleep with just anyone. She's got certain standards that must be met, but we'll get to that in a moment.
So who did this young, gorgeous gal bed most recently?
Blind Vicer Stinky Carrot-Crotch, who is known more for his sometimes-silly jokes than his skills between the sheets.
Um, what gives, Porsh? You can totally do better than that dud.
Thing is, P.V. knows exactly what she's doing. She's a crafty chica and digs men with power. Well, uses men with power is more like it.
See, Stinky was more than happy to have her on the set of his latest flick when he knew how easy it was to get into her panties (ya know, if she's even wearing any to begin with).
It's the same stint Portia pulled with the movie before Mr. Carrot-Crotch's. And the one before that too.
We're not positive if Portia's been bedding these dudes to land the roles or just sleeping around once she's gotten the gig, but if we know anything about this town, we're guessing it's the former.
And It Ain't: Ashley Greene, Blake Lively, Jennifer Lawrence

Eliminated for Portia Vajazzle as of 6/16/12: Ashley Greene, Blake Lievely, Jennifer Lawrence, Olivia Wilde, Vanessa Hudgens, anyone from The Savages,

Top suspect: Mila Kunis

Please see the label below for our other post on the  original Stinky Carrot-Crotch BV.(Top suspect for him is Seth MacFarlane.)

Bonus Blind! Funny Dude's a Dud in Bed!

A Bonus from Ted today -

Bonus Blind! Funny Dude's a Dud in Bed!

Nothing refreshes us on a moody Monday morning like a Bonus Blind Vice, and we're all in luck, babes! This one's full of sex 'n' love and secondhand embarrassment for Stinky Carrot-Crotch, a boob-tube dude used to rolling around in piles of money, but typically all by his lonesome.
Man's not exactly a lady-killer, though his bank account and undeniable talent certainly get women to give him second, third and fourth glances, shockingly. He's not exactly tragic-looking, either—so we're kinda stunned to hear SCC's got trouble with the female sort.
Well, not always—Stink got kissed by lady luck (and then some) one special evening, but maybe he should've been careful what he wished for...
Stinky, who just loves to hear the sound of his own voice, slunk into a karaoke joint for a night of dorky fun, but ended up with a whole lot more in his hand than a microphone. Like two babes looking for a good time and a famous guy to do it with. The punch-drunk gal-pals recognized the dude from his work on the small screen and were more than willing to hightail it back to his place for a night of supersloshed after-hours antics.
Was Carrot-Crotch into it? Totally! This was his first ménage à trois ever, and he was sick of being a prude by default. Unfortunately for him (and even sadder for the two girls) he didn't know what the hell he was doing the whole time, since he barely knows how to handle one broad in the bedroom, let alone two.
The next morning, C.C. woke up with a sparkle in his eyes for one of the honeys—'course, she had endured enough of the star's inexperience in bed the night before and ran out of there, prioritizing her libido over a life of riches and jewels and other high-class crap. Her other friend, however, totally had the hots for Carrot-Crotch, but his mind was too focused on what he couldn't have: the other girl who wanted nothing to do with him.
Take heed to the moral of Stinky Carrot-Crotch: This proves that money sure can't buy you everything—including how to please a woman. 'Course, he could always pick up one of these at his local sex shop; they do the trick just fine, we hear! Unlike Stinky. Poor rich, funny baby.
And It Ain't: Jon Hamm, Sam Trammell, Matt Stone

Update 1/21/10 - Ted has also eliminated Jason Segel, John Krasinski, Zach Braff, Seth Rogen, Jesse Eisenberg, Michael Cera, Steve Carell.

Top guess: Seth MacFarlane (?)