"Dear Ted:We're dying to figure it out too! If anyone has an idea, please post a comment so that we can figure this out. Thanks!
Ever since you mentioned Bradley Cooper had been the subject of a B.V., I can think of nothing else! Will you tell me if the B.V. still appears in the archives?
—AM
Dear Hangin' With Mr. Cooper:
Well, I would certainly hope so. Ain't he a dee-lish goody-baddy?"
Four For Friday
This is probably one of my all-time favorites. I have heard so many things that nothing really gets my jaw to drop, but this is one that did. Then I started thinking about the participants and I was like yeah, yeah, I could see that and sure that person is a freak, but it is still really juicy.
So, anyway there is a husband who is a C list movie actor. Honestly, he may even be a D, but he has B list name recognition and is married to a permanent B list television actress with A list name recognition. Well, it turns out they like to get their freak on with this other couple. Yes, exactly like it sounds. They swap. The other couple consists of a guy who is definitely D list and does primarily movies now. As for his name recognition? Not that great. His girlfriend on the other hand is a B list movie and television actress not exactly known for being super friendly even to her boyfriend. She had a very short term boyfriend prior to the D lister but he wasn't up for the game so she dumped him and went with the D lister she could control. This foursome has been kept quiet for about a year, but the D lister has started telling a few people who have told more and it isn't so hush hush anymore.
#1 - Married C list movie actor
#2 - Married B list actress
#3 - D list guy
#4 - B list move and television actress.
Blind Vice: One Debauched, Drugged-Out Duo
What a Hollywood pic of enviable and domestic bliss we have in the very handsome couple that is Snort-Up and Sass-Bitch Summerland. I mean, babes, they have it all: heaps of good looks, great bods, he's got a pretty stand-up career as an actor (Hers? Less so), they both have very beautiful hair and tons and tons of family loot. What's not to be jealous of?For starters, the fact that they screw around on each other, right and unsafe sex left, they scream and yell at each other, he takes more drugs than Sienna Miller chases after married men and he can't keep a friggin' job 'cause he's doin' so much of the blow these days!
Yeah, everybody really wants to be them, uh-huh.
But folks are wondering, why does Sass-Bitch stay with Snort-Up, as his highly visible philandering is a flagrant disregard for their agreement to have "discreet" encounters with others. Her reason?
"They're both waiting for the next installment of his family inheritance to come in," says a friend who knows the couple well. "They don't care about each other; it's the money they're concerned about—that's it."
Wow. Really healthy reason to stay together, huh? I mean, even the Gosselins know it's best to split up, regardless what ratings cash comes their way.
Oh, and another thing: Snort-Up's notorious GF? They keep breaking up, over and over, only to get back together just as often. And guess what keeps reuniting them? It ain't Snort-Up's loot, I'll tell ya that much (she's got her own).
"It's the drugs," says the Summerland's mutual friend, who knows Mr. Summerland's mistress also quite well. "They do piles of coke, have tons of sex, come down, break up and then start the whole thing all over again. Meanwhile, the wife's just off spending all their money."
Mrs. S's obviously not investing in rehab for her hubby anytime soon, 'cause the dude would probably divorce her the sec he sobered up!
And it ain't: Brad Pitt & Angelina Jolie, Beyonce & Jay-Z, Julia Roberts & Danny Moder
* Our top suspects: Balthazar Getty & wife Rosetta Millington.
Two Girls, One Limo
Both former “It” girls, both around the same age, both with body issues, both experts at denial, both f-cked up, and they found themselves together one night in a limo, not alone, accompanied by assistants and business agents and other Hollywood hangers-on, and of course cranked-up on something, and touching led to feeling led to stroking led to...
The slightly more famous of the two on her knees, head between the legs of the other, totally givin’er, as the others sat by awkwardly, and the recipient with her head thrown back totally enjoying it even though, in showbiz, to receive doesn’t necessarily mean it’s a preference. To give however… well… suffice to say, the pleasure dispenser has very much established herself.
Here's the link to the first Shaftarella BV from Oct 2008, including a full list of who has been eliminated.
One Sneaky, Sell-Out Blind Vice
Last time we heard from evil and conniving Shafterella Shoshstein, that bitch was checking out on her man,
who was so famously checking out on her. Only nobody knew about the former, crafty thing she is.
Now, S.S. has moved on more openly—and how. Ms. S-squared has all the tabloid world thinking she's just dreamy and perfectly content with her new man, only nothing could be further from the truth.
What is the real deal with Shafterella, you ask? Well, not only does it not always involve the classiest kinds of guys (think real Crawley McNugget material here), but wouldn't you know it, S.S. also likes to have over supercurvy and very...
...femme babes to her Beverly Hills pad whenever she can.
You know, for tennis and myriad other athletic activities that involve sweaty thighs and skirts as short as possible. All the while, the lemming-like readers so faithful to ass-kissing People and similar rags, think Shafterella's all happy-butt with her dreamy man.
Like I said: That's hardly accurate, as S.S.'s man is much more content shacking up with his dude, anybody confused yet?
Oh, don't you know, it's just another day and story in the annals of fake-romance Hollywood, where publicists and agents (seriously, no joke) are still putting together these ersatz romances like it's the damn '50s. All so their clients can supposedly make bigger paychecks—and therefore, these 10 percenters do, too.
Everybody wins in the end, right?
Wrong. What about when these faker-jokers have kids? What then? It's one thing for Shafty and her dumb-crap gay BF to sell themselves out, but what, for instance, happens if Shafty and her partner do get married and have kids, what do you tell them?
Shafty? Superpastel tennis hair band got your tongue?
And it ain't: Sarah Michelle Gellar, Venus Williams, Demi Moore
Do-Me Meter: Jake Gyllenhall's Got Giant Muscles!
First we had Brad Pitt in Troy. Then Colin Farrell in Alexander. Now joining these long-haired hunks with epically pumped pecs in epic pics comes...Jake Gyllenhaal in Prince of Persia!Almost didn't recognize him without a latte in his hand.
We can barely look away from EW's "first look" sneak pics—but instead of drooling, we can't stop giggling. Beefcaked within an inch of his life, Jakey looks like one of the animatronics from some Gladiator theme park ride—or like he's on the way to a Purim costume party with Dem and Ashton.
So, yeah. We aren't buying this rough-and-tough Gyllenhaal. We much prefer him toned down, all sleek and sensitive. (Though we bet Reese sure doesn't.) I mean, come on, it looks just so, well...gay, right?
What do you think?
Love ya Ted!
Bonus Blind! Man-Slut McNugget Returns!
Crawley McNugget is back, but don't worry, his sleaziness hasn't gone anywhere. Remember Crawley? The little TV star that could? He racks up bedroom conquests about as fast as he blows the lines out at night. After all, when are sex and drugs not one in the same in this skanky town of Hollywood? FYI: Because of the drug factor previously mentioned, that's why we can't just reveal to you all who this seemingly not-so nice guy is, but since we're feeling kind today, we'll offer superfab clues.
'Cause C.M. has now schlepped his schlong and STDs to the perfect place, teaming with fellow and impressive sluts: Vegas.
The 'Nugg decided to take his game to Sin City recently. And no, he didn't run into Jerry Rock-Butt there. Cee prefers to keep his posse full of movie stars, instead.
Anyway, Crawley was having a fab time out clubbing, hitting on girls left and right, natch. Most of them fell for his semi-fame bait. Except one. See, C.M. likes the chase as much as anyone else, so when his not-so-smooth "you do know who I am?" (no joke) lines didn't work on this par-tick smart babe, he'd finally had enough.
"You know what, fine. If you're not going to sleep with me, then see that girl in the red dress over there? Your friend? I can take her up to my room and bang her right now if I want!"
And he did. Talk about classy. Jeez, some friend, huh? Not sure who's the sleazier turd here? But whatev.
Seriously, how are some girls so damn gullible? This fair-haired guy isn't ugly by any means, but he's clearly a douche prick and crab-friendly asshole. Is bedding someone semi-famous that worth it, girls? Yuck. Maybe C.M.'s turning more into his TV character than we thought.
And it ain't: Tony Romo, Penn Badgley, Bradley Cooper
One Poison-Vanilla Blind Vice
Our superfamous naughty couple today is by no means as interesting as Hard-Nipple Nick and his megastar wife. Quite the opposite, in fact. Sorry! But get this:Eliminated for Jerry Rock-Butt: Sean "Diddy" Combs, Ryan Phillippe, Emile Hirsch, Tom Sturridge, Jay-Z, Mark Ruffalo, Justin Theroux, Mark Walhberg, Matthew Morrison, Leonardo DiCaprio
It's high time everybody met Jerry Rock-Butt and Chutney Jones—an insanely gorgeous duo. The stars (one A-List, one B-List, sorta) have been dating for a couple of years now and they're the epitome of dull, dull, dull. Bland expressions when they're out together, same routine dinners, blah blah and more blah. Yech, already.
But it wasn't always that way, we assure you:
JR-B has always been a ladies' man, and has quite the track record of bedded A-List hotties. Not that he always made it to a mattress, but you get the general idea, I'm sure. Oh, and these exes of Jare's never let him lose his hard-partying ways. They were supersmart about that—quite unlike how stupidass (tightass) Chutney's being with Jerry now.
See, Rock-Butt is no druggy—don't get us wrong. But when he's out with the boys or in a crazy mood, he doesn't mind dabbling in the occasional Hollywood party favor: coke. J will do a couple of lines here and there, just to help him get his dance and flirt on.
But Chutney isn't having any of that. Not that we condone drugs here at the A.T., but C.J. is just as pissed that Jerry does blow as she is that Jerry has fun! She's such a stick in the overly coiffed spa mud, and she sure as hell isn't any fun to take out—and that, of course, means Mr. Rock-Butt shouldn't be out and about either, so Chutney thinks.
Well...let's just say Jerry's been sneaking off to Vegas a bit more than usual, as a result. Sin City is where Jare gets all his sins outta his system, fer sure.
And we think Jerry has had it with his leecher girlfriend. They've been on rocky ground for a while, and studly J is starting to miss the nightlife and bevy of hot female fans. And trust, this sexalicious guy could have practically anyone. Guys or girls. But he chooses the latter, despite his metro-esque appeal.
Here's hoping JR-B ditches the douche ball and chain and goes back to the single life. Preferably for his first love. Now they were a fit like no other.
And it ain't: Sean "Diddy" Combs, Ryan Phillippe, Emile Hirsch
One Moon-Glow Blind Vice
Nevis Divine, that crafty, good-looking charmer of a stud, is at it again. He had a falling-out with one of his
former costars (because he, well, just can't help from engaging in a certain amount of ungentlemanly behavior, once in a while), and obviously, nobody warned N.D.'s latest costar that Neddy boy likes to play. A lot.
First, let's get something straight: Miss Costar, a sexy-enough thing who's becoming famous, I suppose (in her own way), thought she really had something going with N.D., even though nothing ever really went down between them. But you know how clingy actresses can get, right? This look means that, and that look means this, she thought, and so on.
But then, when Missy intercepted a text from Nevis to another gal they both knew, well, that's when...
All hell broke out on the set of the movie they're shooting, but only their personal handlers are aware—at this point. For now, both Nevis, whose skin his ladyloves like to say has a "moon glow" to it, and Miss Costar are keeping their rift from most of the other cast and crew.
Jeez, why didn't somebody warn Missy Costar that Nevis isn't really good for the long haul anyway (with two major exceptions) and that texting other gals while he's supposedly seeing another is the least of his manly wanderings. Yep, of course, as usual, like most of the good studs these days, Mr. D likes to keep his boy side on from time to time. Just not lately.
But one thing's for sure: N.D. sure as hell isn't giving up that inclination for Miss Costar, much to the latter's extreme and revolting dissatisfaction.
And it ain't: Jake Gyllenhaal, George Clooney, Will Smith
