Monday, July 20, 2009

One Sneaky, Sell-Out Blind Vice

From Ted this past Friday July 17 -

One Sneaky, Sell-Out Blind Vice

REESE WITHERSPOON 24X36 B&W POSTER PRINTLast time we heard from evil and conniving Shafterella Shoshstein, that bitch was checking out on her man, who was so famously checking out on her. Only nobody knew about the former, crafty thing she is.
Now, S.S. has moved on more openly—and how. Ms. S-squared has all the tabloid world thinking she's just dreamy and perfectly content with her new man, only nothing could be further from the truth.
What is the real deal with Shafterella, you ask? Well, not only does it not always involve the classiest kinds of guys (think real Crawley McNugget material here), but wouldn't you know it, S.S. also likes to have over supercurvy and very...
...femme babes to her Beverly Hills pad whenever she can.
You know, for tennis and myriad other athletic activities that involve sweaty thighs and skirts as short as possible. All the while, the lemming-like readers so faithful to ass-kissing People and similar rags, think Shafterella's all happy-butt with her dreamy man.
Like I said: That's hardly accurate, as S.S.'s man is much more content shacking up with his dude, anybody confused yet?
Oh, don't you know, it's just another day and story in the annals of fake-romance Hollywood, where publicists and agents (seriously, no joke) are still putting together these ersatz romances like it's the damn '50s. All so their clients can supposedly make bigger paychecks—and therefore, these 10 percenters do, too.
Everybody wins in the end, right?
Wrong. What about when these faker-jokers have kids? What then? It's one thing for Shafty and her dumb-crap gay BF to sell themselves out, but what, for instance, happens if Shafty and her partner do get married and have kids, what do you tell them?
Shafty? Superpastel tennis hair band got your tongue?
And it ain't: Sarah Michelle Gellar, Venus Williams, Demi Moore
Here's the link to the first Shaftarella BV from Oct 2008, including a full list of who has been eliminated.
And here is the newest Shafterella BV from June 2010.


Our top guess - Reese Witherspoon.

38 comments:

blurry vice said...

Reese has TOTALLY been photographed paying tennis recently.

Ted has been all about Jake/Reese's feaux/mance lately, love it!

Martin Devon said...

Reese Witherspoon.

Don't forget Entertainment Lawyer's blind item about Angelina Jolie and Reese Witherspoon dating the same girl:

Blind Item Reveals, Feb 2008

Novia said...

Where does it mention Reese? All it says for the reveal is "One of the two is Angelina Jolie."

sistah2 said...

It sounds like Reese. Jeez , and its been hinted around that she and Jake might get married. Ted's hinting that as well - yea, what about the kids then? Hopefully they wont take it that far.

Martin Devon said...

All it says for the reveal is "One of the two is Angelina Jolie."

You need to read the BI:

"These A+ list female film actresses (when I say A+, there is no wishy washy, they are A+) are really different... The fact that these two completely different personalities and looks could both fall for the same woman just boggles the mind. That, and the fact that at least one of the A+ listers has never shown a propensity to spend time with the same team."

Reese Witherspoon fits 100%.

duffgrl said...

I agree that it's Reese especially given that Jake G. fits for the BF.
-Also, the other BI (thanks Martin)I agree sounds like her. Reese is absolutely different from AJ in looks and personality.

blurry vice said...

As discussed before on our site... we post some of the Crazy Days and Nights blinds. But we take the "entertainment lawyer" with a grain of salt. He doesn't seem to have much time to work as a lawyer while posting on a gossip blog all day long.
That being said... yes Reese could be involved in that blind too. Always a possibility!

Novia said...

You need to read the BI

Of course I read the BI before commenting. But he never says it was Reese, and there are other actresses who also fit that description. You stated your *guess* as if it was part of the reveal, so I had thought maybe you had additional information, but apparently not.

Martin Devon said...

there are other actresses who also fit that description

Who?

Littlelilac said...

The A+ list of female actresses is pretty small......

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Will you tell us whether Shafterella Shoshstein and Toothy Tile have been in a film together?
—Jade

Dear Big Pic Buds:
I will. And yes!"

-hint for reese

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Shafterella Shoshstein's boyfriend is also famous, right? So why don't you give him a nickname and make his own Blind Vice?
—Jack

Dear Blinds of a Feather:
Uh, who says he hasn't had his own Blind Vice already?"

(JAke/Toothy)

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
I'm gonna get straight to it: Shafterella Shoshstein is totally Jessica Simpson. I don't really like her.
—Ygedik

Dear Close but No Cigar:
You're one bad birthday breakup too many. Think far stealthier."

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Stop pussyfooting around. Do Shafterella Shoshstein and Toothy Tile know each other well?
– Patricia

Dear No Pussyfooting Here:
Well, since they've worked on a movie together, I would hope they know each other well. Unless they're more like Seymour Slim-Bum and Darlene Deviant and totally hate each other, but no, that can't be right. In fact, I'm sure of it."

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Hey sweets, Shafterella Shoshstein is Anne Hathaway, right?
—Cate

Dear Sweet Anne?!
No! You're right about the dazzling, but think much more obviously bitchy."

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Is it possible that Shafterella Shoshstein is Mary-Louise Parker? I have always heard murmurings that her breakup with Billy Crudup wasn't as one-sided as was reported. And congrats on your new puppy!
—Janet

Dear How Much Have You Been Smoking?
MLP? No way! Totally adore that babe, and her down-to-earth ways. Shafterella is no dark-haired beauty. And much thanks, Charlie's a gift."

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
I hated to hear that Reese Witherspoon is a be-yotch! She's not doing anything too terrible is she?
—Kristen, Nashvegas

Dear Wither Witch:
Anything along the lines of Slurpa Pop-Off trapping her pups in the closet? Heavens no! But what's "terrible" to you might be old hat in H'wood."

"Dear Ted:
Is Toothy Tile currently being bearded by another B.V.?
—seabee

Dear Blind Overlap:
Of course. But I don't think that narrows it down much."

Erin said...

Let's not overlook this from last week. He's making no attempt to deny either of these guesses:

"Dear Ted:
What about Jennifer Aniston saying she's fine with it if people call her "lonely girl"? Lonely girl? How long is she going to work this Debbie Reynolds thing? I'm beginning to think she's more media canny than either Shafterella Shoshstein or Fake à la Ferocity. It seems like Jen, Reese Witherspoon and Angelina Jolie are all competing for the title of America's sweetheart (well, not Angelina—she'd get the Liz Taylor role in this drama), but all of them are just far too manipulative to be that wholesome. If Sandra Bullock put herself out there more, I'd go with her for the win!
—Imqaatdbru

Dear Too Much Red Bull:
Holy crap, woman, that leader is loaded. First of all, if Jen were that media savvy, she would have skated over the "lonely girl" title from day one, instead of getting crucified for it. Reese she is not."

blurry vice said...

Reese Witherspoon

"Dear Ted:
Why do people refer to Reese Witherspoon as the "beard"?
—Chin

Dear Cover-Up:
Sorry, I'm not familiar with that term."

"Dear Ted:
I've been reading your blolum since Toothy was a virgin, but I've never asked a Q before now. So, to make up for it I have three: 1. You have said that Toothy has a beard, so does she know she is a beard? 2. Has she ever been a beard for another guy before? 3. Do you think Toothy will marry this beard? Thanks for the bitching!
—Jelpoohbear

Dear Genie Ted:
Yes, Toothy's beard knows what she is. And yes, she's familiar with men who play for both teams. And yes, I could see Toothy selling out and marrying the beard. For Baby Tile's sake."

blurry vice said...

http://www.eonline.com/uberblog/the_awful_truth/b149811_reese_talks_cucumbers_cozy_time_with.html

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
I am a longtime fan and I read your blolumn daily. I know you have told us that Toothy Tile's beard knows Toothy's secrets. But you have never really explained why she does what she does. Why would she pretend for so long and involve her kids? I know you say she has reasons, but what are they? Wouldn't she get tired after all this time? I would be bored to death by now. Sending love to you from the Midwest,
—JDub

Dear Goatee Gal:
She's kind of in too deep now; she's fooling even herself. Lots of women do this, really have no idea why."

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
I just don't get it with Gyllenspoon. Reese is a calculating deceiver. (Do you remember when a reporter went up to her on the red carpet just before her split with her ex-hub saying how lucky she was with him in life and she agreed?) Jake is such a nice guy. Is she using him to give a good image of herself? Please help!
—Dutch

Dear Way Off:
Love ya darlin', but your Gyllenspoon decoder is way off! They're both using each other for something in this relaysh."

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Reese Witherspoon played Jennifer Aniston's sister on Friends, do they have things in common—like the men they date? If yes, would you say Brad might be Reese's type also?
—ANC

Dear Angled Wrong:
I see where you're trying to get me to go. What, you want my ass fired?"

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
I have to say, the concept of a double-beard leaves me somewhat confused, given that lesbianism is so hot right now. Why would the gal in question feel the need, especially if she's more of a Lindsay Lohan than Sam Ronson? Are there many double-beards in Hollywood? Also, if a lesbian is dating a straight man, is he her Merkin?
—Radha

Dear Cover Up:
No, she's a hot commodity at the box office and Maxim's latest panting cover porn. Don't you know how these double standards work in Hollywood by now? As to your first question, it's the exact same reason the guys do it: moolah."

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Has Reese Witherspoon ever been a Blind Vice?
—Colleen

Dear Reese Gone Bad:
Darling, don't you know? Crafty Reesey's one of our Blind Vice Superstars!"

Heather said...

"Dear Ted:
You've gotten me addicted to your column over the years with your delicious blind vices. I've got a question for you: how do you think Shafterella Shoshstein feels about the end of Gyllenspoon?
—Gardenia

Dear Interesting One:
I would bet she really doesn't care all that much."

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
You've gotten me addicted to your column over the years with your delicious Blind Vices. I've got a question for you: How do you think Shafterella Shoshstein feels about the end of Gyllenspoon?
—Gardenia

Dear Interesting One:
I would bet she really doesn't care all that much."

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Okay, this is getting ridiculous—while I've read your column for years, lately I've taken to writing in, and I swear I'm communicating more with you than with my mother. But on to my request: can you please please give me a hint as to the identity of Shafterella Shoshstein? It was my six-year sobriety birthday yesterday and it seemed that everything that could go wrong, did, so this would really perk things up a bit for me! (And be easier than calling my sponsor. kidding.)
—Jkr

Dear Clue Hunting:
Awesome job on the six years, hon! So what kind of clues are you looking for? She's working on her next move as we speak. "

(Jake "breakup")

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
I've been thinking a lot about all of the Rob Pattinson romance rumors and after seeing/reading interviews with him, I just don't think he's the type of guy to run off with a bunch of different girls. He seems like the "best friend" type of guy for most girls and wouldn't cheat on a girlfriend. Just my opinion. Also, what Blind Vice reveal would the A.T. readers be most shocked to learn about from your Superstars Gallery?
—J

Dear Vampire Connection:
I dunno, Reese Witherspoon's is one of my faves."

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Beautiful boy! What's with Reese and the black attire recently? How do you think she's coping with the breakup?
—Lora Jeene

Dear Over It:
I think Reese is just dressing for winter. I have a feeling she'll be moving on. In fact, she already did, some time ago."

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Can you please give a hint as to which B.V. Reese Witherspoon has been the star of? I know it can't be a major hint....but just a little one...? And what's the deal with Tim Robbins and Susan Sarandon splitting up?
—JK

Dear Love Is Blind:
Reese has been in a B.V. more than once. As for Tim and Susan…if Gyllenspoon can split, then anything is possible, right?"

blurry vice said...

http://www.eonline.com/uberblog/the_awful_truth/b164526_singleness_suits_taylor.html

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Why would actresses like Reese Witherspoon and Katie Holmes enter into long-term relationships with men like Tom Cruise or Jake Gyllenhaal?
—Dumbfounded

Dear Curious:
These "relationships" are as mutually beneficial and unbeneficial to the women as they are to the men. Both sides are getting something out of it. And who the hell knows, maybe true love's actually involved?"

mo-mo said...

"Dear Ted:
Love you, Ted! And love seeing your cuddly pooches! A question: Has Shafterella Shoshstein met Baby Tile? Perhaps babysat for Toothy? Taken Baby Tile on walks in the park?
—Kelly

Dear Baby Business:
H'wood is a small town—plenty of connections between random people."

An obv. joke... that they are not random connections. Reese would know Baby Tile of course.

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Just curious when we're gonna hear you weigh in on the fact that Reese is so desperate to look desired she's now hired her agent to be her boyfriend? I mean, isn't this a bit much? Though maybe he needs her too, so it might be a mutually beneficial arrangement, non?
—Caroline

Dear Business and Pleasure:
When has R.W.'s love life—at least recently—been anything but pathetic? I'm not saying she's paying the dude to be her BF, but Reesey sure does have back luck at picking guys, huh?"

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
I read that you said that you like Ryan Phillippe. Same here, although I haven't actually met him. What I like, besides that he is hotter than hell and a very good actor, is his attitude. Did you read his interview in Advocate? He revealed that he went to SXSW film festival to premiere MacGruber with his best gay friend and that they ended the evening in a gay bar. He calls his gay fans much cooler than his straight fans because no one there made a big deal or reported it to the press. When asked what he would have done if the gossips had gotten a hold of that info, he replies, "Who cares in this day and age?" What a cool dude.
—Patricia

Dear Friend of the Gays:
I'm sure Newsweek would have adored getting hold of that info. And I wonder if Reese is as open-minded? I would say yes."

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Is Shafterella still into extracurricular activities which involve sweaty thighs and chicks? Just curious! P.S. Teehee! My all time favorite B.V.!
—Cats

Dear Girlie Minded:
Yeah, but not at the moment. She's more into the press-friendly footsie stuff right now."

blurry vice said...

This was in the same bitch-back as the above letter -

"Dear Ted:
Why is it that every time Jake G. or Ryan P. have anything to promote or do an interview, the very private Reese Witherspoon goes shopping in the middle of the Hollywood paparazzi zone? Who does she think she is fooling?
—JSC

Dear Jokes on Reese:
Who does she think she's fooling? Everybody. Who is she fooling? Not a whole lot of people, but Reese knows how to work the tabloids and keep her name in the headlines (think Angelina Jolie of the America's Sweetheart club)."

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