From the Awful Truth Feb 14:First Lead-in:
Snits Stink
Oh, merde, in today's frightening appearance Blind Vice, which middle-aged hon is makin' 'em weep in H-town (it ain't me).
Second Lead-in:
Eat My Morass
Uh-oh, have Death-Mint Myrtle's hideous dieting ways gotten her into a prime-time sitch that's causing her hit show's worker bees an alarming amount of cover-up time? Certainly seems so, check it out in this week's Blind Vice, calorie counters!
One Wasted Waist Blind Vice
Death-Mint Myrtle is the successful star of small and big screen. But it’s her addicting show, At Home with Hate, that—even though some jealous bitches say is past its prime, à la DMM—it’s really put Deathy back on the glossier maps. Hate is still a ratings force to be reckoned with on prime time, no BS. Now, Death-Mint might be enjoying the spotlight, but she’s still got a slew of secrets up her size-zero sleeves that are slowly slipping out. This actress’ apparently hideous eating habits are getting to be such a prob, not only for her feeble frame but for her fellow coworkers on the hit show.
See, the crew is quite inconvenienced whenever DMM has a scene, since it takes an extralong time to stage the camera angles just so—so that Ms. Myrtle’s obvious dubious health isn’t so noticeable to the naive TV viewer at home. “We have to make it look like she actually has a chest, sometimes,” bitched one totally in the know Hate worker-bee, and he wasn’t talkin’ boobs, honey-pies.
Howev, Myrtle might be battling an unfortunate mastication sitch, along with some unfair double standards. Despite her skinny skeleton, our girl’s handling the aging process quite well—offscreen. But in TV land, normal lifelines don’t fly. Wrinkles and creases in Myrtle’s forehead, due to her wilting frame, are blurred out in postprod of the show, since makeup sure can’t cover every little unwanted bit. The question to ponder is why the show’s producers are even trying so hard, when DMM is always being upstaged by her cuter costars.
Oh, of course, guess they like the tension on camera. What a doofus question. Forget we asked.
AND IT AIN'T: Joely Fisher, Mariska Hargitay, Tina Fey
Oh... right away I am thinking of the Desperate Housewives ladies. Discussion in comments!
UPDATE 3/18: Ted has revealed this to be TERI HATCHER. Just as we guessed originally, but we thought it was too predictable!
