Blind Vice: Hall of Fame Party This Weekend!

New from Ted yesterday -

Blind Vice: Hall of Fame Party This Weekend!

They'll all be there! Well, almost all: Fake à la Ferocity, Topher Hairy-Tuchus, Charlotte "Chuck" Finger-Dingle and even one of my personal oldie-faves, Trent Spent!
What fun the Academy Awards will be, after all (since we all pretty much know who's going to take home gold, right?), sniffing out all that award-winning private Hollywood Vicing:
Let's see, here are a few things to look out for while you're so busy judging (and cheering!) what everybody's wearing.
Take note:

• Fake à la Ferocity has not completely gotten off the synthetic heroin she gets prescribed to her by various fancy doctors round town, but she is indulging less than she used to. I guess that's progress, right? Absolutely! Her head's in the right place—and direction—and her family's way happy about this news, trust.

• Topher Hairy-Tuchus, after much finger-pointing and bitching from his peeps, has pretty much given up online hooking up. Just not entirely. And between you and mean and a million other folks, let's just say Fake à la, above, stands a much better chance of ultimately cleaning the Vice outta her life than does our eternally horny Topher. Poor thing (or not).

• Trent Spent sold his Vice soul to the domestic devil years ago—news that saddens us every day. After all, nobody had more naughty and mischievous sexual potential than the gorgeous, often insecure bisexual star. But then he met his match and got all cleaned up, dammit! Total waste for everybody except his Trent's lucky S-O-B S.O., ‘course.

• Chuck Finger-Dingle is in so many ways the new Fake à la Ferocity. Bitchy and bossy for days, more talent than she really knows what to do with—and a completely equal-opportunity sexual ladder climber. Only thing is, most likely Chuck's going to keep treating her conquests like the crap she so often does and we see a major, major backfiring in the babe's life sooner than later—and we don't just mean professionally.

• Oh, and guess what? Fey Oiled-Tush will also be on hand for the super-exciting Oscar Sunday, cannot wait. But the thing is, Fey, who's so busy reheating his career, has gotten overwhelmingly caught up in the A-list projects he's totally busy with that he's completely forgotten that we'd all prefer to be gossiping about his kinky-on-the-floor activities. So don't forget to have some fun with all that podium banter you've been so busy with lately, Fey!

All work and no same-sex play a boring movie star makes!
And They Ain't: Nicole Kidman, Jennifer Lawrence, George Clooney

Good stuff, Ted! Great mashup of classics from the past.

Newbies, please use the label below for a link to our posts on the previous BVs about each name, including a full discussion and lists of who has been eliminated for each.


Top suspects:
Fake-a-la Ferocity: Angelina Jolie
Trent Spent: Brad Pitt
Fey Oiled Tush: Tom Cruise 
Chuck Finger Dingle - ?
Topher Hairy Tuchus - ?

Blind Vice: Loveless Topher Lusts Away the Hours!

New from Ted yesterday, January 13 -

Blind Vice: Loveless Topher Lusts Away the Hours!


Isn't it funny when somebody like Strawberry Snort 'Em appears to have it all: Devoted and cute BF? Check. Cool digs? Beyond-average talent? Check. Back-stabbing besties? Check! But when the love affair busts up, Strawberry stops eating and starts snorting even more, so sad!
But, this Vice isn't about Strawberry, it's about a dude who never, ever wants to be in Strawberry's lovelorn position: Topher Hairy-Tuchus.
And even though Topher's determined to not get caught in love again (he's had a couple of bad breakups), he's not at all averse to getting caught in lust:
As we first told you,Topher's into the anonymous sex thing. And whereas we used to think it was just because Mr. Hairy-Tuchus, like many men in Hollywood, is just a plain ol' closeted actor, well, that's not the only reason he likes to get it on with other guys on the down low.
"He's just done with love, that's all. It's not so much his career, which is what everyone thinks," says a pal who knows Topher both personally, and professionally.
Whoa. So Topher's not so designing in the love department as much as we first thought? Amazing!
Because Topher sure has been giving us all a run for his red-carpet money lately with various sexy ladies by his side—and then some.
"No, no, no," added our Topher source. "He's just horny. And permanently non-committed. It's really that simple. The chicks are a cover for his [sex], not so much his career, get it?"
Do we ever. And here we thought Hairy-Tuchus was some kind of grand, scheming Toothy Tile, who knew!
Just remember, Toph, play safe!
And It Ain't: Ashton Kutcher, Jamie Foxx, Ryan Gosling

Please refer to the link below for our posts on the previous Topher Hairy Tuchus BVs, including a full list of who has been eliminated.

(also see the post on the Strawberry SnortEm BV)

Blind Vice: Reckless Teenthrob Dares to be Outted!

New from Ted today... Crescent Kumquat returns.

Blind Vice: Reckless Teenthrob Dares to be Outted!

We're clearly not in the match-making business, but if we were, these two closeted stars could totally be a good thing together: Remember Crescent Kumquat and Topher-Hairy Tuchas? Both equally gorgeous studs who have equally big...secrets?
If it weren't for their large-ish age gap, we would totally predict these two guys to be swapping gorgeous hair secrets and then some behind closed doors.
Why, you ask? Because Crescent has been pulling a card straight from Hairy Tuchas's cruising-for-sex ways by using...
...Craigslist to shack up with dudes! No way!
Remember, we've seen the emergence of Crescent's flaming personality over the last year or so. First with a few boy-on-boy cuddles, then with some innocent necking, and now, full-on getting it on with guys. And he's not exactly being stealth about it, either.
What is it with dudes like Kumquat and Topher who have easily recognizable faces, yet who use Craigslist to get their gay sex on? Hello, that is so asking to get caught. Come on, this is beyond, say, Toothy Tile doing it in a car in a West Hollywood parking lot, people. This is practically an engraved invitation to be outted, for heaven's sake!
Maybe, ultimately, that's what these guys want? To be finally known as who they are, but do they want someone else to do the dirty work for 'em? Remember, Toothy just loves to get it on in super public places with Grey Goose, but even they have toned it down, as of late.
Seriously, I'd put my money on Toothy coming out before Crescent. C.K. and Topher really have to rely on their large female fan bases to keep their careers going. If the girls go, so do the jobs. Particularly Crescent's. His face is totally plastered all over the Teen Beat girlie-sphere. If that demo only knew the truth!
And it ain't: Jackson Rathbone, Paul Wesley, Justin Beiber

This is the third Crescent Kumquat blind vice. Here are the links to the other three CK BVs - Jan 2009 including a full list of who has been eliminated, May 2009, and April 2010.  and April 27, 2010. Also May 14, 2010.  We believe he is Chace Crawford.

(Also, use the link below to read the other Topher Hairy-Tuchus blind vices.)

Blind Vice: Topher Hairy-Tuchus Gets Caught in Bed!

New BV from Ted today -

Blind Vice: Topher Hairy-Tuchus Gets Caught in Bed!

We're just crazy for debauchery here at Blind Vice central! On top of our fab 'n' fierce Blind Vice Superstars gallery, we've got another Blind first today: a Vice candidate appearing two weeks in a row!
Now, last week's inaugural Blind Vice about Topher Hairy-Tuchus brought all kinds of hilarious reactions, my personal fave being a comment from hmmm (could you get a little more original with your moniker, bitch?) who stated: "Sorry but this sounds made up..Ted printed an email the other day that complained how boring the straight Blind Vices are and he needs more gay ones, all of a sudden all of these gay Blind Vices happen to be appearing."
Are you for real, "hmmm"? A.T. is usually all about the closeted gay dudes, and besides, not only do we never make this naughty stuff up (ever) we've since heard back about Topher's earlier life, back when he was married.
Turns out he likes to take chances, just like he did with that anonymous Internet dude he tried to have sex with through a sheet. So when Hairy-Tuchus had a female spouse, he had the nerve to...
Bring a guy back to his house and get down to it on the bedroom he shared with his wife! Too bad they don't put in anything about protecting the sanctity of the marriage bed in those vows, huh? And, as soon as hot Hairy and his hunky minuteman were about to complete the manly act, guess who walks in on him?
Yep, the missus. To say she was pissed is to say I'm hot for Robsten. But it also explains a few things:
If anybody's caught on recently why Hairy's fake relationships with various starlets these days is so upsetting his ex, this is most likely one of chief reasons why. He can prance out ersatz honeys for camera, but not her? Yep, apparently it's an utter impossibility for Topher to be under-the-radar cool like Crotch Uh-Lastic or even the recently whipped Toothy Tile. He can't keep the fact that he likes dude somewhat discreet (as long as he's choosing to stay in the closet), he just has to—as usual—take chances and parade all kinds of risk-taking measures for many to see.
Gambling guy, this one is, for sure.
Oh, and another thing: THT's dangerous man-activities are not only well known in many professional circles, these antics are now ripping through the hallways of Hairy-Tuchus' agency with a force he'd be smart to try and cool down.
But how boring would that be?
And it ain't: Will Smith, Tom Cruise, George Clooney

Here is the link to last week's Topher Hairy Tuchus Blind Vice including a full list of those who have been eliminated.

Top suspect:

One Gory-Hole Blind Vice

Ted is back! Here was Friday's BV...

One Gory-Hole Blind Vice

Get ready for a gay, anonymous-sex hookup gone wrong—hunky movie-star style! Now, our latest Blind Vice entrant, Topher Hairy-Tuchus, has made an appearance before in the Awful Truth, but only as a supporting player—this totally handsome stud was never christened with his own moniker. Until now, anyway! And since Toph's made it into our sexyass annals, seems like he's dutifully checking off every other last step required for getting (and staying) on the Vice A-list. Lauded movies, check. Hot bod, check. Famous female companions, check. Totally closeted homo, check and then some!
'K, so a doable dude who secretly prefers the company of men is as common in H'wood as a paparazzi fender bender outside the Ivy. But it's where and how THT seeks his men that's quite noteworthy and somewhat unusual, considering how unglamorous it truly is...
Topher could nab any leading lady he wants (and he has), but when it comes to his men moods, THT goes to Craigslist. Maybe you shouldn't go looking for lovers the same place you get cheapo couches and scalped concert tickets, but no one told Toph that. And hey, his Internet dabbling worked, since somebody replied to his ad looking for a good, quickie time. No names needed, just body parts, and meaty ones at that.
Hook, line and sink 'im: Once Topher had lured his catch to the house, he went far out of his way to keep this nooky expedition under wraps—he even set up a sheet with a hole in it where all the action would take place, keeping identities secret on either side. A "glory hole" one would call it, of course, except this particular hole was cut out of fine linen (what a waste!) as opposed to etched into a dingy bathroom stall wall. Guess that makes it so much more romantic, no?
THT was ready for some clandestine action, but when Topher's gentleman showed up, the lured dude didn't want to keep it nearly as anonymous as Hairy-T. The guy refused to partake unless he could see THT's face—to check for sores (and let's be honest, to make sure he would be doing a hot guy). THT refused to budge on this bang request, but the guy swung the sheet back anyway to find one of the most wanted celebs staring back at him!
'Course, they both went through with the unsheeted deed, even after the unveiling of Topher's famous face. What horny man in the world wouldn't? What I want to know is why the ef doesn't THT use nondisclosure forms instead of stupid 300-count sheets? What a moron!
And it ain't: Daniel Radcliffe, Robert Pattinson, Chris Pine

Update 1/14/11 - Ted has eliminated Daniel Radcliffe, Robert Pattinson, Chris Pine, Tom Cruise, Will Smith, George Clooney, Adrian Grenier, Antonio Sabato Jr., Ryan Phillippe, Colin Farrell, Ashton Kutcher, Jamie Foxx, Ryan Gosling

Here is the link to the more recent Topher Hairy Tuchus Blind Vice from 9/11/09.