Sunday, September 6, 2009

One Gory-Hole Blind Vice

Ted is back! Here was Friday's BV...

One Gory-Hole Blind Vice

Get ready for a gay, anonymous-sex hookup gone wrong—hunky movie-star style! Now, our latest Blind Vice entrant, Topher Hairy-Tuchus, has made an appearance before in the Awful Truth, but only as a supporting player—this totally handsome stud was never christened with his own moniker. Until now, anyway! And since Toph's made it into our sexyass annals, seems like he's dutifully checking off every other last step required for getting (and staying) on the Vice A-list. Lauded movies, check. Hot bod, check. Famous female companions, check. Totally closeted homo, check and then some!
'K, so a doable dude who secretly prefers the company of men is as common in H'wood as a paparazzi fender bender outside the Ivy. But it's where and how THT seeks his men that's quite noteworthy and somewhat unusual, considering how unglamorous it truly is...
Topher could nab any leading lady he wants (and he has), but when it comes to his men moods, THT goes to Craigslist. Maybe you shouldn't go looking for lovers the same place you get cheapo couches and scalped concert tickets, but no one told Toph that. And hey, his Internet dabbling worked, since somebody replied to his ad looking for a good, quickie time. No names needed, just body parts, and meaty ones at that.
Hook, line and sink 'im: Once Topher had lured his catch to the house, he went far out of his way to keep this nooky expedition under wraps—he even set up a sheet with a hole in it where all the action would take place, keeping identities secret on either side. A "glory hole" one would call it, of course, except this particular hole was cut out of fine linen (what a waste!) as opposed to etched into a dingy bathroom stall wall. Guess that makes it so much more romantic, no?
THT was ready for some clandestine action, but when Topher's gentleman showed up, the lured dude didn't want to keep it nearly as anonymous as Hairy-T. The guy refused to partake unless he could see THT's face—to check for sores (and let's be honest, to make sure he would be doing a hot guy). THT refused to budge on this bang request, but the guy swung the sheet back anyway to find one of the most wanted celebs staring back at him!
'Course, they both went through with the unsheeted deed, even after the unveiling of Topher's famous face. What horny man in the world wouldn't? What I want to know is why the ef doesn't THT use nondisclosure forms instead of stupid 300-count sheets? What a moron!
And it ain't: Daniel Radcliffe, Robert Pattinson, Chris Pine

Update 1/14/11 - Ted has eliminated Daniel Radcliffe, Robert Pattinson, Chris Pine, Tom Cruise, Will Smith, George Clooney, Adrian Grenier, Antonio Sabato Jr., Ryan Phillippe, Colin Farrell, Ashton Kutcher, Jamie Foxx, Ryan Gosling

Here is the link to the more recent Topher Hairy Tuchus Blind Vice from 9/11/09.


duffgrl said...

The AIAs are all youngish actors who star in movie maybe someone also starring in a franchise like Shia L.?

ruairidh said...

Gerrard Butler - nod to "300" and he has had most leading ladies.

ruairidh said...
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Brittany said...

I think Ted is planning on Topher to become regular vice, like the next Toothy or Nevis. That must be the only reason he didn't give pretty much any clues about the celebrity himself.
If you read the vice its mostly a detailed description of how Topher likes to hook up. It seems impossible that there is enough info yet to even make a good guess let alone solve this one.

Leanne said...

Bradley Cooper.

Rachel said...

It really seems like the "300-count sheets" comment is a major clue that it's Gerard Butler. The only problem is that Gerard doesn't fit in with the AIAs at all.

The Spie said...

And the problem with the AIAs is that they're a major clue that it's Shia LeBoeuf, since the AIAs are all lead actors from major science fiction/fantasy movie franchises. The only problem is that Shia doesn't fit in with the 300-sheets alleged "clue". My feeling is that Ted's playing with our minds a bit with the 300-sheets clue, and the AIAs are the real clue. Shia fits everything in the body of the blind as well as Butler does, remember.

Sorry, Leanne, but Bradley Cooper is already a blind vice, and you know Ted's rule: no second pseudonym unless a blind has already been revealed, and Cooper hasn't.

duffgrl said...

I agree that Shia fits in more w/ the AIAs than Gerard Butler does. I think that Gerard Butler could definitely be closeted-I've heard this about him before- but I don't think this is about him.

nen said...

I've never guessed one of these before, so go easy on me. My (probably way off) guess is George Clooney. He said supporting player and George won an Oscar for best supporting actor. Hook line and sink im. He was in A Perfect Storm where his fishing boat sunk. He also played Danny "Ocean" Like I said, probably way off. Do you get more than one guess?!

nen said...
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blurry vice said...

Gory Hole

"Dear Ted:
Welcome back from the vacation! We missed you. Team Awful did well, though, no problem there. Also, loved the blooper reel. You are so cute when you have a hissy fit! But tell me this: The 300 reference in the Gory-Hole B.V. was a red herring, wasn't it? Besides, you would never call Gerard Butler a handsome stud, would you?

Dear 300 Guesses:
Sorry doll, no pun there. And ain't Team Awful the best? But Marc Snetiker has asked it be made perfectly clear that he actually does not care for Kristen Stewart. I tried to dissuade him from declaring this, but he's young and silly and wouldn't listen. So there."

Anonymous said...

I think the most important part of this BV is the fact Topher has been a "supporting player" in another blind vice.

Other important hints:
- his movies are "lauded"
- he has had a number of "famous female companions"... and he can get "any leading lady he wants (and he has)"
- he's in HIGH demand as a leading-man

Rachel said...

With the combo of lauded movies, famous female companions, and high demand as a leading man, it makes me think of Leonardo DiCaprio.

Shia LaBeouf seemed like a good guess, but I wouldn't think his movies are "lauded." Popular, yes, but not award-winning. And has Shia really dated a lot of famous women?

Leanne said...

I forgot Bradley Cooper was already a Vice b/c I was SURE I had it right when I read the latest one about Topher and it mentioned an ex-wife. Darn!

Ben Dover said...

so ted has confirmed that bradley has already been a bv previous to this?

Anonymous said...

I thought Ted confirmed that BCoop had been in a BV before. But, I didn't think he explained whether or not BCoop had a BV of his own, or was merely a supporting player. If he was mentioned in a BV (not as himself as the subject) he would totally fit this one.

I don't think he was famous enough in the past to have a BV all to himself. But certainly could have made an appearance in someone else's!

I'll put my vote in for BCoop as THT

ErinL said...
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crila16 said...

Are you sure it's not Brad Pitt. He's been a supporting player to Angelina's BV's...and in one of AJ's blind vices, Ted outs her companion as Bi.

Unknown said...

Not Adrien Grenier "Think a bigger name on the big-screen than Ad, who only plays a big movie star on TV."

Sept. 14 bitch-back

Unknown said...

Brad Pitt's been a vice. While back.

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Just when I think I'm over the B.V.s you give me Topher Hairy-Tuchus. The AIAs seem to point to a big movie franchise. So is the hairy one or has the hairy one been part of a movie franchise?

Dear Franchise Fella:
Not yet."

blurry vice said...

No it's not Brad Pitt. He was confirmed as a BV way before this one.

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Topher Hairy-Tuchus is Adrian Grenier, right? I've seen the pics of his hairy tush making the blog rounds lately. Plus, he's always given me a gay vibe!

Dear Wrong Tush:
Ugh, staring at the hair on top of A.G.'s head gives me a migraine. Can't imagine staring at the patch on his ass. Think a bigger name on the big-screen than Ad, who only plays a big movie star on TV."

blurry vice said...

To those who are guessing Bradley Cooper. No, he was confirmed as a BV way before this one, I am talking months ago. This is a new one.

blurry vice said...

I love the JOhn Stamos guess (posted on the newer THT post).

Unknown said...

Wow! Good one. John Stamos does seem like a good fit.

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Topher Hairy-Tuchus...I'm thinking its Eddie Cibrian.

Dear No-Go:
Topher's rep is much more sparkling than Eddie's."

blurry vice said...

Right? Really likin' John Stamos...

hunter said...

This is totally Brad Pitt

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
I have a theory as to who Topher Hairy-Tuchus might be, and if it's who I think it is, then I'll be visiting Craigslist from now on. I say it's Antonio Sabato Jr.
—Home France

Dear Hunt's On:
Nope, as far as I'm aware, handsome, well-muscled, well-endowed Mr. Sabato ain't a Craigslist sex aficionado, nor is he Topher. Think considerably more commercially viable, not certainly any better-looking."

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Is Ryan Phillippe Topher Hairy-Tuchus? He seems like a good fit. And it seems the BVs are cooling off a bit. I can't wait for spring when everyone starts humping again! Oh, and do you have your New Moon tickets yet? Need a date?

Dear Mooning Over Blinds:
No need to get New Moon tickets this far in advance—it'll be in theaters long enough for every fanggirl (et moi) to see it dozens of times. So no, sweetie, and no to Ryan as THT, too."

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Love your column; you are one of the few that can gossip in a good-hearted way. I wanted to know if Topher Hairy-Tuchus is Colin Farrell. He fits all the clues you have given, and if this is the correct ID then the identity of the "hunky minuteman" should also be interesting.

Dear Keep Guessin':
Sorry! Colin's scot-free from THT's curious sexual ways. Think less dark Irish type, just as cute 'n' hairy."

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
I have a few celebs who I think could be Topher Hairy-Tuchus. To narrow them down I need to ask a few more questions. Is Topher black or white? If he's white is he a blue-eyed blond or brown-eyed blond? Or if his hair is black and his eyes are blue or brown or green? Is Topher a child star who is now an adult? Did he ever model? I'm not asking you for too many specifics because I like the guessing. I'm just saying help me narrow it down.
—Forever a Fan

Dear Holy Hell:
Those specifics made me, and Topher, squirm. I'll give you the first one—he's white."

Kelly Ann said...

Stamos- no. Not a big movie star. Brad Pitt, absolutely not. Bradley Cooper, no, also already a star. Shia, no- he's in a franchise.

He confirmed this guy is very hairy, so that also rules out Leo DiCaprio. I really don't know much about Butler, but he seems like he could be a good fit?

Anonymous said...

Orlando Bloom. Done.

Anonymous said...

what about robin Williams? He is certainly hairy enough. LOL

Let's guess said...

Ok this is a wild guess-but he's in the superstar gallery, only thing that does not fit-nobody knows if he was married but Ted did make a comment about going back to his 300 count bedsheets:

Hayden Christensen.

EmmyC said...

I think this is Bradley Cooper. I've thought this all along. This is prob why the wife left him. Ted talked about it today.

From Ted:

Dear Yes and No:
Congrats on your rescue! Where's the pic and what's the name? For your prize you get the seemingly innocuous, but actually quite delicious clue that Mr. Cooper's Vice requires the use of the Internet.

Read more:

This sounds like BC.

BROOKE said...

IDK Jude Law?

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Can you give me a hint on my fave Vicer Topher-Hairy Tuchus and if he is still up to his dirty ole tricks? What age group is he in—20s, 30s, 40s?

Dear Hair Removal:
Topher is def still getting down and dirty, but he—like all his best BV buds—is playing the beard game. Do you buy his pathetic fauxmance? Because I totally don't. 30s."

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Aside from sharing the same agent, do Bradley Cooper and Jared Padalecki have anything else in common?

Dear Similarities:
Yes. Oh, I'm sorry, did you want to know what?"

blurry vice said...

I know Bradley Cooper is the top guess but time-wise he doesn't meet up. He was already a BV beofre this was written. Ted says that THT made a supporting appearance but was not given a name. Would Ted have answered yes that Brandley Cooper was a "delish goody baddy" BV if he wasn't given a name? Doesn't add up for me.

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Is Topher Hairy-Tuchus George Clooney? If you don't answer, I'm gonna assume it is.
—Tell Me

Dear Nice Try:
You know what they say about assuming."

Ted didn't really answer this question. But I am taking it as a no. BEsides, George was said to be a BV as early as April '09.

blurry vice said...

Never mind - GC was a repeat elim

Molly said...

In today's article about Jennifer Aniston, Ted calls Gerard Butler "hairy assed." I noticed he had been a suspect here before, and not "notted..."

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Anna Paquin said she was bisexual. So, isn't it also possible that someone like Topher Hairy-Tuchus is bisexual as well?

Dear Determined:
Are some of our BV regulars bisexual? Sure. But I don't believe that's the case for Topher. He likes men. That's all there is to it. Some times we just have to be strong and face these things."

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Here's something I don't understand about the closeted Blind Vices. If the girls are under the impression their relationship is real, wouldn't that technically make these guys bisexual rather than gay, or am I being too pedantic over semantics? In other words, does a beard always know that's what she is?

Dear Perplexed:
A beard usually knows what she is (or a little about her man's same-sex past), but there are a few situations where the women is, indeed, out of the loop. In that case, she isn't a beard. Just duped like Topher Hairy Tuchus' first wife kinda was."

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
As a fellow cat lover, I was just wondering; as Crescent Kumquat is just getting into the closet, is he taking any pointers on how to behave from the more experienced inhabitants, for example good old Toothy?

Dear Role Model:
Not so much Toothy. More Topher Hairy-Tuchas with his Internet hook ups and whatnot."

Unknown said...

could the fine linen and 300 count sheets refer to the movie 300? i like the gerard butler guess. he wore linen togas in the movie! he's also 'dated' practically everyone in hollywood. it seems like it fits.

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Will Bradley Cooper's Vice somehow be revealed, sooner rather than later?

Dear Specific:
That depends entirely upon Bradley and his computer, I mean, companions."

blurry vice said...

All hints from Ted that THT is Bradley Cooper, however... he was said to have been a BV as of July 2009 before this was written.

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
I just saw John Stamos on a talk show recently and he is as cute as ever. Would he possibly have a Vice moniker in your collection?
—Pearl Mae

Dear But Of Course:
And he's definitely a fan favorite. Any guesses who?!

Dear Ted:
I'm very interested to hear that John Stamos' Vice is a fan-favorite. Any hints for this serial dog-rescuer? Also, while we are talking Johns…does Johnny
Depp have any sexy monikers?

Dear A John By Any Other Name:
Hmmm, let me think of a clue worthy of your puppy love, P. Mr. Stamos' starring Vice was ages ago…but he made an unnamed appearance in a more recent Vice that was far juicier. Johnny, on the other hand, has no moniker."