Friday, September 11, 2009

Vintage Ted: Jordache Junky

Ok after it has been confirmed Kirstin Dunst has been a Blind Vice star, I had to dig these up. Here are the old Jordache Junky Blind Vices from 2005. These are the ones that Kirstin Dunst was suspected for:

From Oct 27 2005 - One Skanky Step By Step Blind Vice

If I were you, I wouldn't invite Jordache Junky to your son's bar mitzvah. She might lure him into a stairwell and do him.

Now, don't get me wrong, girlfriends. Most boys would be thrilled to get into J2's prissy undies. I mean, she's been in, like, a million movies, many of which young boys just worship.

That's why I can't believe what she pulled at a Hollywood bash last week. Gulp. There's no delicate way to put it, so here goes: J.J. banged a cater-waiter. And she didn't take him home in a doggie bag. Nope, J.J. jumped this dude's bones in the damn stairwell.

If you think it sounds sexy in an Unfaithful kinda way, hold yer Trojans. She was wasted. And while most of the gals her age dig cocaine, J2's more of a, well, horse girl. Yep, she was smacked out. Poof.

Oh, Jordache. I'm sorry 'bout all yer on-and-off relationship woes. I'm also sad for yer latest flicks--which fail on a lotta freakin' levels. But really, honey. A catering dude in a stairwell at an Industry party?!

The above shoulda been the stuff on which porn movies are based--not some sad little episode that had the guy's colleagues nodding their heads in pitiful tsk-tsks. I hear nobody even broke a damn sweat! What kind of friggin' sex act is that--something George and Laura do?

Now, I know you're not friends with Paris Hilton. But maybe you should be?


And it ain't: Mena Suvari Scarlett Johansson Jessica Alba


Remember the Brittany Murphy controversy? Her agents went wild telling everyone that Jordache was not her.

Here is the next one:

From Nov 2005 - One Needling Blind Vice

Gloria Good-Hag has a great career. She's also quite adept at bedding her leading men, most notably Bill Bisexual (Gloria's most recent 300-count-style notch). But is it the dudes who interest the lithe sexpot the most?

No way. And no--this ain't yet another homo-laden nooky story--it's not the girls, either, who do it for Glor. It's the horsies.

Not the gambling kind, darlin's, the shoot-'em-up kind, as in smack. Horse. Heroin.

And just in case you didn't know, heroin happens to be so in right now. Forget painkillers (too Michael J.) or porno (too Tom S.). It's all about the high one gets from snorting or shooting this incredibly potent--and addictive--opiate. Heaven help the guys 'n' gals who are currently obsessed with the stuff, most recently Jordache Junky, the star who screwed the cater-waiter in One Step-by-Skanky-Step Blind Vice a coupla weeks ago.

Gloria's more crisp, more aloof than emotional Jordache. She's also more stupid, have to say. The ditzo broad didn't even know how to fool the standard insurance drug testing on her last glossy pic, Isn't Life Seamless?, and she turned up positive for heroin.

Consequently, Isn't's producers had to pay double the premium on Gloria's skinny little bum. And let's say these suits were about as pleased with this development as Isn't's makeup artists were each morning with Gloria's puss.

Enough concealer to make Joan Rivers youthful again was required for the bags under Gloria's strung-out eyes. Particularly since Isn't's makeup look was something akin to a White Linen photo shoot.

Nasty!


And it ain't: Maggie Gyllanhaal, Charlize Theron, Claire Danes

Therefore, after those two, the top suspect for Jordache Junky = Kirstin Dunst

24 comments:

House of Brat said...

Jordache Junky was definitely Dunst.

I suspect Gloria Good-Hag was Sienna Miller since I remember Ted said "Gloria" had an accent and was up & coming.

The Spie said...

Nope, Ted said about a week and a half ago that Sienna Miller has never been a BV, so it wasn't here. Good thought, though.

Oh, and for everyone that chose Gerard Butler as Topher Hairy-Tuchus based on the "300-count sheets" clue, please note the use of the 300-count motif in the Gloria Good-Hag BV. That BV was written a year and a half before the release of 300. So I think we have to regard "300-count sheets" as a Ted leitmotif rather than as a clue in the future.

House of Brat said...

Hm, I wonder if Gloria was Keira Knightley then...

nissivm said...

Could Dunst be this one? (from 2007)

TED CASABLANCA 05/10
Where do we start? When are folks gonna realize that blowin' out your brain cells with booze, dope and doofus doings ain't exactly the best way to go? Prolly never. But what the hell, that's not gonna stop me from tellin' on Whore-tense Past-tense, the country's latest glossy victim in chemically enhanced career descent. Whore-hon—such the doll. Well, I never thought she was, but lotsa other folks sure did. Always found W.T. to be a bit o' a fake onscreen, not to mention in real life. I mean, who else would date a gay man for years just to get herself more in the tabloids? I know, I know, half of Hollywood's female population, but you get my point. Also, forgive moi, but I never really found Ms. P., with all of her kooky outfits, to be all that attractive—and I think that's largely because, deep down inside, Whorey was projecting nothing but a desperation to find the next heroin fix. Which she always has found—much to the chagrin of Whore-baby's current group o' hangers-on. And, trust, when a bunch of nobody poseurs who leech on to a star's fading wattage just to get attention start worrying for their so-called friend's welfare, that amiga's gotta be in pretty pitiful shape. And Past-tense sure is. So much so, in W.'s increasingly notorious state of euphoric Hell-Ay horniness, she's screwing busboys here, waiters there, car parkers, too—and she never stops to think that these (almost always skinny) dudes just might talk. 'Course, they haven't (yet), but W.T.'s buds sure as ef have. And the only other thing that's got these ultra-classy hangers-on—not to mention W.T. watchers—gabbing as much would be Ms. Pee's skeletal frame. For your next meal, hon, you might try a noodle, not a needle. And it ain't: Beyonce, Courtney Love, Kate Bosworth

It called my eye because in the BV gallerie that Ted just posted, in Dunst´s picture Ted mentions her break-up with Jake, and this bv talks about this girl who dated for years with a closeted homo.. So, I thought it could fit. However, these BVs involving girls and drug habbits are so similar to each other...

blurry vice said...

Hi nivvism... I know, the Whore Tense Past Tense one I was looking at for Kirstin Dunst too. That could be her. I think Cameron Diaz was also suspected for WTPT. ???

Ditte said...

I like the Dunst guess for Whore-tense Past-tense. Especially the part about her kooky outfits. As far as I remember, that sounds about right! BUT who is Jordache Junky then? That also sounds like it could be Kirsten Dunst. Makes me craaaazy!

Enigmania said...

I am a Brit and this is without a doubt Sienna Miller, the inventor of the awful Boho Chic phase that swept through London and beyond.. The is also the former Beard for Jude Law as you all know.. Nanny my ass! Just bear in mind that Jude Law's ex, Sadie Frost, is good mates with with Kate Moss who in turn was best mates with Sienna before she stole Jude off Sadie... Kate and her entourage as well known for their decadent parties and are very close to each other if you catch my drift....

blurry vice said...

Can not be Sienna Miller. Ted said she has never been a blind vice.

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Have you ever been pressured by a B.V. subject's lawyer to back off on them? That must suck!
—Miranda

Dear Great Question:
And get this: She wasn't even who the Vice was about, she only thought it was! Was over Jordache Junky, who still remains vice-ridden and very much at large, by the by."

- This is the Brittany Murphy scandal I was talking about!

EverSoCurious said...

I think Kirsten is definitely WTPT. The clues fit her perfectly.

blurry vice said...

In reference to the above... since Brittany Murphy has been in the news. I just want to make this clear what happened.

When teh Jordache Junky BV came out, BM's lawyers came after TEd threatening him. But Ted said that the BV was not about her. So in other words, Brittany Murphy's lawyers were saying that BM was using drugs and that the BV sounded like something she was doing.

duffgrl said...

Who is Gloria Good-hag? BM?

blurry vice said...

TEd clarified on Twitter that Jordache Junky was NOT Brittany Murphy.

B626 said...

TED ONLY SAiD THIS BECAUSE OF THE LAWYERS-OF COURSE IT'S BRITTANY

Rachel said...

I gotta say, Gloria REALLY fits Sienna Miller. I think the movie title "Isn't Life Seamless?" MIGHT refer to her sisters/her clothing design enterprise. Movie could be Casanova. Claire Daines was a "homewrecker" like Sienna, Charlize Theron is also a foreign-born blond...

This fitting Sienna, I really do think Jordache Junky sounds like Kirsten Dunst. Does Ted change the names every couple of years?

Sophie S. said...

I think this might be Kate Bosworth. She used to be an avid horse rider which would explain the Jordache moniker.

Anonymous said...

This is most definitely Kirsten Dunst. "I mean, she's been in, like, a million movies, many of which young boys just worship." is a reference to Spiderman 1 and 2 and she has been in a ton of movies.

"I'm also sad for yer latest flicks--which fail on a lotta freakin' levels" refers to Elizabethtown and Wimbledon

blurry vice said...

SOMEONE'S BEEN READING OUR SITE'S VINTAGE BLINDS

"Dear Ted:
Are Whore-Tense Past-tense and Jordache Junky the same person? Loving all the Blind Vices.
—Annoyed

Dear Stumbling:
Never do that, dear. Each sinner's his or her own person!"

blurry vice said...

Sophie S. - Jordache - horse - heroin. Heroin is AKA Horse.

Sophie S. said...

Blurry vice, I'm aware of that, however, I think the use of the word Jordache is a clue and like I said, I think this is Kate Bosworth. She was also in The Horse Whisperer.

cassandra said...

i think jordache junky is tara reid

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
I met Kirsten Dunst today. She seemed very sweet, unassuming, and overall, was someone I think I'd like to know! Of course, I only got a few minutes with her. I've heard plenty of rumors, but I don't know what to believe! What's your take? Sweet gal just trying to live her life, trainwreck, or should we be expecting a comeback?
—SQ

Dear Vintaged Vice:
The fact that Ki-Ki is strutting her stuff on carpets and not at clubs makes me think this babe could have a big comeback. Sure, she's had her dark Hollywood moments, but hell, who hasn't? Let's hope Jake Gyllenhaal's ex-GF stays on her current path."

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Hope all is well with you! Sitting here with my rescue Beagle, Sadie, she's also a huge fan! We were wondering if you would reveal or give any clues as to
what Brittany Murphy's moniker was. It's been years, so it's not that delicate a topic anymore. Paws crossed!
—Tracy & Sadie

Dear Sadie's Mom:
I will tell you this, Trace, Brittany was not Jordache Junky, as many, many people commonly thought."

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
So whatever did happen to Jordash Junkie?
—MHF

Dear Vice Query:
She's doing just fine, thanks very much. Completely (well, almost completely) changed her ways."

ad