From Oct 27 2005 - One Skanky Step By Step Blind Vice
If I were you, I wouldn't invite Jordache Junky to your son's bar mitzvah. She might lure him into a stairwell and do him.
Now, don't get me wrong, girlfriends. Most boys would be thrilled to get into J2's prissy undies. I mean, she's been in, like, a million movies, many of which young boys just worship.
That's why I can't believe what she pulled at a Hollywood bash last week. Gulp. There's no delicate way to put it, so here goes: J.J. banged a cater-waiter. And she didn't take him home in a doggie bag. Nope, J.J. jumped this dude's bones in the damn stairwell.
If you think it sounds sexy in an Unfaithful kinda way, hold yer Trojans. She was wasted. And while most of the gals her age dig cocaine, J2's more of a, well, horse girl. Yep, she was smacked out. Poof.
Oh, Jordache. I'm sorry 'bout all yer on-and-off relationship woes. I'm also sad for yer latest flicks--which fail on a lotta freakin' levels. But really, honey. A catering dude in a stairwell at an Industry party?!
The above shoulda been the stuff on which porn movies are based--not some sad little episode that had the guy's colleagues nodding their heads in pitiful tsk-tsks. I hear nobody even broke a damn sweat! What kind of friggin' sex act is that--something George and Laura do?
Now, I know you're not friends with Paris Hilton. But maybe you should be?
And it ain't: Mena Suvari Scarlett Johansson Jessica Alba
Remember the Brittany Murphy controversy? Her agents went wild telling everyone that Jordache was not her.
Here is the next one:
From Nov 2005 - One Needling Blind Vice
Gloria Good-Hag has a great career. She's also quite adept at bedding her leading men, most notably Bill Bisexual (Gloria's most recent 300-count-style notch). But is it the dudes who interest the lithe sexpot the most?
No way. And no--this ain't yet another homo-laden nooky story--it's not the girls, either, who do it for Glor. It's the horsies.
Not the gambling kind, darlin's, the shoot-'em-up kind, as in smack. Horse. Heroin.
And just in case you didn't know, heroin happens to be so in right now. Forget painkillers (too Michael J.) or porno (too Tom S.). It's all about the high one gets from snorting or shooting this incredibly potent--and addictive--opiate. Heaven help the guys 'n' gals who are currently obsessed with the stuff, most recently Jordache Junky, the star who screwed the cater-waiter in One Step-by-Skanky-Step Blind Vice a coupla weeks ago.
Gloria's more crisp, more aloof than emotional Jordache. She's also more stupid, have to say. The ditzo broad didn't even know how to fool the standard insurance drug testing on her last glossy pic, Isn't Life Seamless?, and she turned up positive for heroin.
Consequently, Isn't's producers had to pay double the premium on Gloria's skinny little bum. And let's say these suits were about as pleased with this development as Isn't's makeup artists were each morning with Gloria's puss.
Enough concealer to make Joan Rivers youthful again was required for the bags under Gloria's strung-out eyes. Particularly since Isn't's makeup look was something akin to a White Linen photo shoot.
And it ain't: Maggie Gyllanhaal, Charlize Theron, Claire Danes
Therefore, after those two, the top suspect for Jordache Junky = Kirstin Dunst