Monday, September 28, 2009

Bonus Blind! Funny Dude's a Dud in Bed!

A Bonus from Ted today -

Bonus Blind! Funny Dude's a Dud in Bed!

Nothing refreshes us on a moody Monday morning like a Bonus Blind Vice, and we're all in luck, babes! This one's full of sex 'n' love and secondhand embarrassment for Stinky Carrot-Crotch, a boob-tube dude used to rolling around in piles of money, but typically all by his lonesome.
Man's not exactly a lady-killer, though his bank account and undeniable talent certainly get women to give him second, third and fourth glances, shockingly. He's not exactly tragic-looking, either—so we're kinda stunned to hear SCC's got trouble with the female sort.
Well, not always—Stink got kissed by lady luck (and then some) one special evening, but maybe he should've been careful what he wished for...
Stinky, who just loves to hear the sound of his own voice, slunk into a karaoke joint for a night of dorky fun, but ended up with a whole lot more in his hand than a microphone. Like two babes looking for a good time and a famous guy to do it with. The punch-drunk gal-pals recognized the dude from his work on the small screen and were more than willing to hightail it back to his place for a night of supersloshed after-hours antics.
Was Carrot-Crotch into it? Totally! This was his first ménage à trois ever, and he was sick of being a prude by default. Unfortunately for him (and even sadder for the two girls) he didn't know what the hell he was doing the whole time, since he barely knows how to handle one broad in the bedroom, let alone two.
The next morning, C.C. woke up with a sparkle in his eyes for one of the honeys—'course, she had endured enough of the star's inexperience in bed the night before and ran out of there, prioritizing her libido over a life of riches and jewels and other high-class crap. Her other friend, however, totally had the hots for Carrot-Crotch, but his mind was too focused on what he couldn't have: the other girl who wanted nothing to do with him.
Take heed to the moral of Stinky Carrot-Crotch: This proves that money sure can't buy you everything—including how to please a woman. 'Course, he could always pick up one of these at his local sex shop; they do the trick just fine, we hear! Unlike Stinky. Poor rich, funny baby.
And It Ain't: Jon Hamm, Sam Trammell, Matt Stone


Update 1/21/10 - Ted has also eliminated Jason Segel, John Krasinski, Zach Braff, Seth Rogen, Jesse Eisenberg, Michael Cera, Steve Carell.

Top guess: Seth MacFarlane (?)

40 comments:

Patricia said...

Since the and it ain'ts are all cable stars, I'd venture a guess for someone on a cable show. However Carrot-Crotch leads me to believe red-head, possibly Conan O'Brien? Considering it says rakes in millions....sounds like someone whos either REALLY famous or one of them talk show hosts such as Conan. ;)

But I dunno...

Meghan said...

Conan O'Brien is married with kids. If it was him, I'm sure Ted would've mentioned that specifically.

I'm throwing in Seth MacFarlene- he was Mooney Tuna, but Ted has said that after he reveals someone, he no longer calls them by that moniker and comes up with something new. Not convinced it's him, but it's a start.

The Spie said...

Consensus elsewhere is that it's Seth Green. It's been a while since the Austin Powers movies, and he's pretty much been TV-only since then; this answers the "boob-tube-only" objection pretty well. The rest of the clues fit him very well.

If this is MacFarlane, I think that Ted would have mentioned that this guy is a repeat BV offender, just like he did in that other blind recently when he made up a new nickname for someone who'd been revealed.

Brittany said...

It could be Seth Green but it does say that the BV is rolling in money. Does Seth really make that much doing voice-overs for Cartoon Network?

I like the Macfarlane guess. He's one of the top earners on TV and is never really seen getting women.

Darren said...

Hi, this comment is for the four sisters team. I just wanted to let you know that your blog is awesome and I really love the way you're keeping tabs on all the blind items out there. I had an idea which I thought you might found useful, so I thought I'd suggest it here. How about tagging each post with the category it belongs to? Something like, "secretly gay/bi" for Toothy, Crotch, etc. and "drug use" for Fake a la Ferocity, Morgan Mayhem, etc. If it's too much work, I'd be willing to help with the tagging. I was thinking of doing an excel file that would help with cross-references anyway, so I don't mind the work and this way, it could benefit you and the blog readers as well.

Meghan said...

Actually, I do like the Seth Green guess. He's a ginger, which relates to the "carrot" part, he's not tragic looking, and he makes more than enough doing both Family Guy and Robot Chicken.

Nicole said...

isnt seth green married? dont think its him.

crila16 said...

"Poor rich, funny baby." Is that a reference to one of the character's Seth McFarlane voices? He does baby Stewey, which is one of his more popular characters. Just thought it was a strange choice of words for Ted to use.

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Is Stinky Carrot-Crotch Jason Segel? Love him. He just needs a good teacher. Love your blog, Ted!
—Sandy

Dear Right on the Funny:
Wrong on the dude. Right on the type."

blurry vice said...

Darren,
Thanks. We have discussed various tagging ideas but don't want there to be too many tags and it get out of control. But, thanks for the idea. We will consider it!

Darren said...

Nothing to thank me for. I was just thinking about it because it can make it easier to compare all the BI's of the same nature and see who's eliminated through that. If you ever do need any help with this or with anything, just holler. I'd be happy to help.

Sally said...

Ted's newest BV hasn't been added today yet, but it's a juicy one about Toothy. To the Sisters, I have another question. I notice that you are missing several celebrities and BV's from the AT. I know there are many blinds out there, and I imagine it's difficult to add them all. However, I think he exposed Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell in today's Bitch-Back, but I can't find the original blind vices, Perka Penis-Player & Schlamm Butt-Wiggle.

duffgrl said...

Sally: the blind vice you are talking about w/ Perka Penis-Player and Schlamm Butt-Wiggle is from the Blind Vice "A Truly Desperate Housewife" which is posted right below this one-it was posted on 9/25. So if you have a comment about that item post under that item.

fireflies said...

Seth Green has been dating Clare Grant for quite some time, so I don't think it's him.

Mandy said...

My guess is Seth Green too. He's been acting all his life including some big flicks (Austin Powers, Italian Job), and in addition to his work on Family Guy, I'm sure he's loaded.

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Is Stinky Carrot-Crotch married? You accidentally failed to mention that.
—Sarita

Dear Ungroomed:
Nope, SCC has never walked down the aisle. But I'm sure he will before long. At least twice."

Jillian said...

Perhaps he plays a character that's going to be married? Ted elminated Jim from the Office today. Also mentioned that he was on a different channel. I'm a bit stumped now.

Jillian said...

Dear Ted:
I am going to guess that Stinky Carrot-Crotch is John Krasinski. C'est vrai?
—Agents

Dear Office Blunder:
No, no, no! John's bedroom ways are saved exclusively for fiancée Emily Blunt. Wrong network.

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
I am going to guess that Stinky Carrot-Crotch is John Krasinski. C'est vrai?
—Agents

Dear Office Blunder:
No, no, no! John's bedroom ways are saved exclusively for fiancée Emily Blunt. Wrong network."

blurry vice said...

repeat elim

"Dear Ted:
The other day I was looking at the list of websites you link to on the Blog Roll, and I was thrilled to see PostSecret! I've only known about your site for a few months now, but I've been going to PostSecret for years. Thanks for linking to it so others can find the website and hopefully get something out of it as I have in the past! Quick question: Could you please say that Stinky Carrot-Crotch is not John Krasinski?
—Doggy Matian

Dear Emo Girl:
Glad we share the same taste in websites and men. No, Stinky isnt Krasinski. Think less funny."

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Stinky Carrot-Crotch has to be Zach Braff! He's totally funny on Scrubs, the way he plays J.D. is brilliant, but he looks like an awful kisser! How much better could he be in the sack?
—Krystyna

Dear Kiss and Tell:
It's not Braff as SCC—but Z.B.'s dated quite a few notable H'wood gals, so he can't be all bad!"

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Who is the bigger (no pun intended) douche: Seth Green or Kevin Connolly?
—Hayden

Dear Gross and Grosser:
Connolly. But it's close."

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Is Stinky Carrot-Crotch Seth Rogen?
–Wondering

Dear Right Idea:
Wrong B.V. for Rogan."

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Stinky Carrot-Crotch has to be either Jesse Eisenberg or Michael Cera. Close, right?
—A. Clark

Dear Guessing Game:
Very close. But still so wrong!"

Anonymous said...

Looks like you'll have to revise your top suspect...

Dear Ted:
I feel bad for Robsten! I know most people want to see them together, but if we take every picture of them holding hands and make such an uproar about it, I would expect the undue pressure that it causes them (because of their lack of privacy) will cause their relationship to crumble. They will resent each other because of the attention being together causes them. All their fans are giving them no chance at being happy. And on a totally different note, has Seth Green been a B.V.?
—The Heaveners

Dear Here, Here:
Sadly, I agree with you, babe—even though I'm contributing to the uproar. And no, gross Green hasn't. Ever. Nor will he ever be.

Kelly said...

Ted said this week in a BB that Seth Green has never been a blind vice and never will be. I'm pretty sure he used the word GROSS in there too. LOL.

Now, who is Stinky then???

blurry vice said...

I think Seth MacFarlane should now be our top guess. He has already been revealed as a BV so he could be a new one. And he fits. Is he single? I haven't had time to investigate.

Anonymous said...

I think it's Seth Green.

Anonymous said...

Tom Green

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Is Steve Carell the Stinky Carrot-Crotch? If not, how far back do we need to go to find a Blind Vice?
—Curious

Dear Sherlock:
Way off—bod-wise, at least. Right genre, though."

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Does Stinky Carrot-Crotch have something in common with Michael J. Fox and Liza Minnelli?
—Cee

Dear Orange All Over:
You mean besides some of the silliest movies ever made? No."

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Any dish on Seth MacFarlane? I'm a big Family Guy fan and think that if you're going to be that irreverent and gross on TV, then you have to have some kind of real-world experience. Am I right?
—Isaac

Dear Family Gross:
Seth is most certainly not the "family guy" you might think he is. But the guy keeps quiet about his skeeziness, which is brilliant."

lollapopalooza said...

Hmmm...I have no suggestions for who it could be instead, but I don't think this BV is Seth McFarlane because in it Ted says:

"The punch-drunk gal-pals recognized the dude from his work on the small screen..."

and I watch Family Guy etc and I have absolutely NO idea what Seth McFarlane looks like...so I'm not really sure how they would recognize him from that?

Dr.DuckyDuck said...

Could this be Andy Samberg from SNL? Or is it too much of a stretch to imagine that someone from SNL is swimming around in cash?

That said, what about David Spade? He's been on a few different shows so may have the kind of money Ted is talking about.

I agree that "Carrot-Crotch" should mean red-headed, but maybe it could just mean light-haired?

Adrienne said...

Hi everyone, I'm a long-time reader, first time poster. How about David Schwimmer for a guess? Friends seems like the type of genre Ted was referring to, and his reference that Carrot might walk down the aisle at least twice might be a reference to Ross Gellar... I know David is married now, but when this was originally posted I don't think he was. I'm not sure how the name "carrot crotch" would fit this guess though.. Thoughts?

Dr.DuckyDuck said...

David Schwimmer has already been confirmed to be a blind vice. He's popularly thought to be Dewbie Stammer.

I think Adam Sandler is a good guess. Sometimes I wonder whether the BV names really mean anything or if it's some code we're not aware of. Like carrots remind Ted of something that has nothing to do with carrots. Like that the person has a penis or something random.

EvDev said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
EvDev said...

Franky Munoz? Or perhaps Tosh of Tosh.0?

Aimee** said...

Look guys.. I don't know if this helps but it's the exact same story about Seth MacFarlane going into a Karaoke bar.. I don't know how credible this source is though.

http://popcultuniv.wordpress.com/2011/04/27/dr-jenna-encounters-seth-mcfarlane-and-isnt-impressed/

Alice said...

This is definitely Seth Macfarlane.

I remember reading a story online about how Seth is often sexually harassed (lol) by young fangirls when he's out and about, especially drunk ones, going as far as to grind on him when they get the opportunity.

He also loves to go to karaoke bars in LA. It makes complete sense that the girls recognized him from his work on the small screen because Seth is usually coerced onto stage to do some impressions/sing when he is recognized. I saw him at a jazz club recently where he was performing and he was constantly being yelled at by the audience to do Family Guy songs to the point that he became extremely annoyed with it. The girls must have recognized him from the impressions or his singing voice as Brian.

Ted has spoken before about Seth's lack of sexual abilities (i.e. Mooney Tuna). This is just another example of that.

A lot of us are confused by the name Stinky Carrot Crotch because we think it implies that the person is a redhead. This is misleading. That was the singular reason I didn't think it was Seth because all other clues point to him. But then I thought of Seth's fake tan which makes him appear orange all over. Maybe that's where the "Carrot" comes from. Ted probably thinks that Seth's penis resembles a carrot because he has tanned himself to an unattractive orange colour.

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