Oh, sex and drugs and rock ‘n’ roll, what else is new in T-town, right? Just homosexual sex, drugs and rock ‘n’ roll, that’s what. (Like this is a news flash, but hey, I’m just the goss messenger here, ‘kay?) Sally Sedate Me has hooked up with her latest man. You saw that, didn’tcha? Yep, sure ya did. This latest guy is simply divine, so delish, much more so than the last loser the sweetie star hung out with. Indeed, fans are so relieved SSM has found herself a he-man worthy of her luscious locks, winning smile and utterly adorable personality. It’s a tabloid team made in heaven! Why? Well, because New Guy’s also got a killer grin, a fab sense of humor, a total do-me coif and—best of all—absolutely no desire whatsoever to make love to Sally, just like she likes it. See, Sally-Sweets lives for getting high, not orgasmic. But she likes the company, and she knows her career will suffer if she’s seen manless for too long. And New Guy, ‘course, wouldn’t even have a job if his homo ways were known. Or so he thinks. Sally really should get over her habit, already. Doesn’t she see it’s what’s marginalizing her career, not her male companionship (or lack thereof)? It’s a good flick that’s hard to find, not a fella or a fix.
And it ain't - Alicia Keys, Reese Witherspoon, Beyonce Knowles
[Here is what I am thinking. My first thought was what I just read in Ted's column was of Mena Suvari and her new man Simone Sestito. I don't know anything about this guy, but his name isn't particularly manly, is it? Anyway, I am also thinking about Jessica Simpson. Is Tony Romo gay?! I am also thinking of Kirsten Dunst for this person, she is rumored to be an IV drug abuser and has dated our fave closeted one Toothy/Jake. But who is Kirsten dating now, if anyone? There are also rumors that Jennifer Aniston is dating Jason Lewis, and even speculation that she is pregnant. Could be them!]
* Ted has also eliminated: Penelope Cruz/Javier Bardem, Jessica Simpson/Tony Romo, Carrie Underwood/Chace Crawford, Matthew McConaughey/Kate Hudson, Rachel Bilson
* * Update 12/22/08: Our top suspect WAS Jennifer Aniston for this, however Ted has revealed that J.A. has never been in a Blind Vice of his.
*** New top suspects: Sally Sedate Me - Cameron Diaz; New Guy - Bradley Cooper
