Bonus Blind Vice! Sex Tapes are So the Rage!

New from Ted today...

Bonus Blind Vice!  Sex Tapes are So the Rage!


What have you guys done to deserve so many Blind Vice's in the past week and a half? Or better yet, why have so many dudes been extra skanky, as of late?
Meet Chet Chick-Muncher. You'd think this star would have been a Vicer already since his ridiculous antics have been going on for decades, but his dirty laundry is usually so publicly aired there's never been a need before.
Until now, thanks to a certain electronic misstep...
Chet has definitely had his share of substance-abuse problems, and it seems one of his effed-up escapades is coming back to haunt him—big-time.
Obviously, we mean a sex tape. Who the hell doesn't have one lying around these days?
Only problem is, not only is Chick-Muncher attached and most definitely straight-ish, this tape isn't with his honey—or a girl.
Seems CC-M, who enjoys his female skank-up a lot, has been caught on-camera, not with a hooker, but totally blowing some random dude. Yes, that's how obscenely obliterated the Munch was when this went down—pun intended.
And one of the parties from this par-tick sexfest is shopping this bad-boy tape around, and Chet is convinced it's about to come out.
Hence, Chick-Muncher's attempt to fade back into the background. He's actually trying to become less of a public figure these days, professionally speaking, even though it may not look that way at all. That way, if the footage does come out in the near future, it won't sell for as much or have as much of an impact on his reputation (which is not exactly great right now).
And yes, Chet's lady is aware of what's going on. Wonder if she'll be the one to let the haunting tape spill to the press? It certainly would give her ammo for what's sure to be a massively uncomfortable split.

And it ain't… Tiger Woods, John Edwards, Jesse James

Update 6/8/10 - Ted has also eliminated John Mayer, Mickey Rourke, Leonardo DiCaprio, Michael Douglas, Kiefer Sutherland, Rob Lowe, Mark Wahlberg, Tom Sizemore.

Top suspects: Sting, Viggo Mortensen

* Proven by timeline of Ted's dates he was and wasn't a BV: Viggo Mortensen

(Viggo Mortensen proven as CCM due to timeline of dates Ted said he was and was not a bv; under dispute however - see coments.)

Vintage: Harland Fuss & Grimy Gus

Ted mentioned a few old Blind Vices in his column today and a reader request we dig them up. Here you go!

OCT 2004 - One Boyishly Beyond Blind Vice

Oh, you thought we were done with the puerile penis set, didja? Hardly.

No, we still need to zero in on Grimy Gus and Harland Fuss (or as they're known to their most secretive of buds, Gussy 'n' Fussy). G. 'n' F. have been on location recently. Well, one of them has, at least. Don't think too many folks know that Fuss has joined his good bud Gus for a little mattress messin'.

But I do! (And now you vicarious folks do, too--how fab!)

Look, I'm the first to give a hearty shout-out to two guys who want to do what they want, sexually speaking. But when both--all right, make that one--of these men go to great lengths to make the public believe he's bedding down with rising supersweet starlet Eartha Bertha, well then, I get a little pissy.

Although it sure was romantic when Gus 'n' Fuss went to such a Secret Service-defying to-do while Gus was out of the States (in a film-friendly environment) making his latest butch-it-up celluloid job.

Public lobby and elevator trips at the sumptuous Springtime Suites hotel with Fuss 'n' Eartha were arranged. Photographers just happened to be around, sorta the same way Rock Hudson lived his whole fake life. But I'm getting terribly off the point here, aren't I?

Back to the boys: It really is a modern-day Romeo + Romeo + Juliet story, if ya think about it.

Only the gullible public's the one taking the poison...

And it ain't: Ben Affleck & Matt Damon, Robin Williams & Dustin Hoffman (dressed as Tootsie and Mrs. Doubtfire in the picture), George Clooney &  Mark Wahlberg

 * Also excluded as of 8/30/10 - Tobey Maguire, Leonardo DiCaprio, Gisele Bunchen, Joaquin Phoenix, John Krasinski, Ryan Reynolds, Jerry O'Connell, Jensen Ackles, Jared Padalecki.


* Top Suspects in 2004 were: Orlando Bloom/Viggo Mortensen/Kate Bosworth

* Here is the link to the new Harland Fuss BV from August 2010.