Thursday, December 4, 2008

Vintage: Harland Fuss & Grimy Gus

Ted mentioned a few old Blind Vices in his column today and a reader request we dig them up. Here you go!

The Lord Of The Rings - The Motion Picture Trilogy (Widescreen Edition)OCT 2004 - One Boyishly Beyond Blind Vice

Oh, you thought we were done with the puerile penis set, didja? Hardly.

No, we still need to zero in on Grimy Gus and Harland Fuss (or as they're known to their most secretive of buds, Gussy 'n' Fussy). G. 'n' F. have been on location recently. Well, one of them has, at least. Don't think too many folks know that Fuss has joined his good bud Gus for a little mattress messin'.

But I do! (And now you vicarious folks do, too--how fab!)

Look, I'm the first to give a hearty shout-out to two guys who want to do what they want, sexually speaking. But when both--all right, make that one--of these men go to great lengths to make the public believe he's bedding down with rising supersweet starlet Eartha Bertha, well then, I get a little pissy.

Although it sure was romantic when Gus 'n' Fuss went to such a Secret Service-defying to-do while Gus was out of the States (in a film-friendly environment) making his latest butch-it-up celluloid job.

Public lobby and elevator trips at the sumptuous Springtime Suites hotel with Fuss 'n' Eartha were arranged. Photographers just happened to be around, sorta the same way Rock Hudson lived his whole fake life. But I'm getting terribly off the point here, aren't I?

Back to the boys: It really is a modern-day Romeo + Romeo + Juliet story, if ya think about it.

Only the gullible public's the one taking the poison...

And it ain't: Ben Affleck & Matt Damon, Robin Williams & Dustin Hoffman (dressed as Tootsie and Mrs. Doubtfire in the picture), George Clooney Mark Wahlberg
 * Also excluded as of 8/30/10 - Tobey Maguire, Leonardo DiCaprio, Gisele Bunchen, Joaquin Phoenix, John Krasinski, Ryan Reynolds, Jerry O'Connell, Jensen Ackles, Jared Padalecki.

* Top Suspects in 2004 were: Orlando Bloom/Viggo Mortensen/Kate Bosworth

* Here is the link to the new Harland Fuss BV from August 2010.


blurry vice said...

Here's the letter today which has the mention:

"Dear Ted:
Loving your new column, even the yellow. This is a question about an old blind item that I don't expect you'll answer but I thought I'd give it a shot. Are Harland Fuss and Grimy Gus still together?

Dear Oldie:
No. Nor were they ever."

blurry vice said...

This guess was from after the BV -

"Answer: Viggo Mortensen and Orlando Bloom.

Viggo is known for being cleanliness challenged. Ted has
called Orlando fussy before. Not to mention that their
nicknames for each other on the set of Lord of the Rings were
'filthy human' and 'prissy elf'.

Those closest to them call them Vig and Orli.

One of them, Orlando, has gone to great lengths to convince
the world he is 'bedding' down with 'rising' (term regularly
used by her PR) starlet, Kate Bosworth.

Viggo has been out of the country, in Toronto, Canada, filming
A History of Violence in which he plays a serial killer

Orlando Bloom and Kate Bosworth stayed at the Four Seasons
Hotel in Toronto when they were there for the Toronto
International Film Festival (Springtime Suites anyone?!?)
and were papped at many opportune moments. Fan sightings of
them in the hotel lobby and
elevator have been floating around."

blurry vice said...


With the recent revelation that Ted only gives one name per person, this might not be Orlando/Kate. BEcause ORlando and Kate were very much suspected to be Pete Poked and Charmaine Chuck-Up. There was a BV about them in Sept 2006. Also, there was a BV about Pete Poked with Trent Spent, and another one about Trent Spent and Divella Snifella. Perhaps we should rehash those 3 blind vices too, and figure this all out!!!

Anonymous said...

Oooh, yes please. This BV always intrigued me, always thought it was Bloom/Mortensen/Bosworth but now can't remember who/what Pete Poked was so go ahead & rehash away.
Love love love your site.

Anonymous said...

that Viggo....grrrrrrrr

Anonymous said...

Fuss'n'Eartha have to be Jake and Reese, he has been in London and has buffed up a lot for the Persia movie. This has Jake written all over. Dob't know who the other guy is though.

Anonymous said...

oops - just saw the date. Sorry.

The Spie said...

Oh, it's solved now, isn't it? How much more blatant could Ted have been? Looks like we're going to have to find someone else for Pete Poked, because Bloom is Harland, no doubt.

talia said...

yup, solved!

blurry vice said...

Elims from Oct 2004 -

"Dear Ted:
Okay, I'm going to attempt to guess a Blind Vice--Romeo + Romeo + Juliet = Tobey Maguire + Leonardo DiCaprio + Gisele?

Dear Three-Way Woman:
Damn good guess, girl! Unfortunately, it's as wrong as Leo's taste in chin growth. Think classier.

Dear Ted:
Is the Blind Vice gay slice Joaquin Phoenix?
Copenhagen, Denmark

Dear Danish De-lish:
Hmmm, not sure if you mean the ménage à trois boy or the dude who likes to spray his hotel room with male fluids of every variety? As I'm sure you know, both tasty treats were offered up last week. Oh, never mind. Joaquin, free-livin' lad he may be, is not the correct chum in either sitch--so there. Think Oscar time, my dear."

blurry vice said...

Yeah seems like it's till Orlando. He's either this one or Pete Poked.

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Since you dusted off the old Harland Fuss B.V., can you give us an update on his relaysh with Gus, please? Are they still together? If not, who broke up with whom? And who is Fussy seeing on the DL, then, if not Gussy?

Dear Gus Who:
Long over, babe. Too bad, too, because they were way too hot together, but it was always more of a short-term (very) steamy hookup sitch. Neither dude expected a serious relaysh to come of it, just sex, sex and, oh yeah, more sex."

Unknown said...

Wow, subtle - I see that in today's Bitch-Back, Ted has replied to a question about Eartha Bertha then immediately followed it by a random question about Alex Skarsgard and Kate Bosworth. Fancy that!

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
What's up with Eartha Bertha ? A good-natured girl in Hollywood? That can't possibly last long. Any Vicey woodland creatures in her life now or is she sticking to calm waters these days?

Dear Big Bertha:
Eartha has been nothing but naughty lately. Not between the sheets though, which is exactly the point.

Dear Ted:
Now that Elin Nordegren has rid herself of her now ex-husband with questionable morals that I will not name, what would you think of pairing her with our other beautiful Swede, Alexander Skarsgård? I don't know how well their personalities would mesh, but they would certainly make a gorgeous pair. Think of the beautiful kids they would produce. And let's be honest, she's definitely a step up from Kate Bosworth. I think he needs a classy lady like Elin.

Dear Bizzaro:
What a totally random pairing, Court. Sure, they'd make totally beautiful babies together, but to be honest, Eli and Alex have less in common than Elin and Tiger. Plus, try prying A.Skars away from Kate Bosworth for even a second."

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Has Viggo Mortensen ever been a B.V.? I absolutely love him, and he did spend several years with those B.V.-worthy Hobbits in Middle Earth. Did they rub off on him?
—LOTR Lover

Dear Viggo Go Go:
Oh, yeah. One of my (and readers') all-time favorites!"

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Just watched tonight's True Blood. Is it true? Please tell me it's not true! Is Alexander Skarsgård really leaving True Blood? Is this why he is with that awful Kate Bosworth? Trying to get involved in another series?

Dear North by Eric Northman:
Rest assured, babe, Alex isn't going anywhere. Sorry if that spoils anyone, but do you really think Alan Ball and the HBO honchos would let this sexy Swede ditch his fangs so easily? Plus, we chatted with Kristin Bauer van Straten (aka, the deliciously bitchy Pam), and she confirmed that A.Skars is definitely back next season.

Dear Ted:
Whatever happened to Charmaine Chuck-Up? I was certain I knew who she was, but now it seems I've gone and mixed her up with Eartha Bertha! So many beards, who can keep them all straight?

Dear Big Bertha:
You accidentally just did yourself a favor, K, because, forget Char, Eartha is the beard to watch these days, trust."

Read more:

The Spie said...

Oh, my. It sure sounds like he's outright stating that Bosworth is Eartha. But who the heck can Pete Poked be if not Bloom?

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Since you said Viggo Mortensen's B.V. is something he does behind closed doors, does that mean you are notting him as Buddy Rib-Toast (who gets drunk and runs around naked on set) and Buck Me-Good (who gets drunk and slobbers over females on a plane)?
—Likes Danish

Dear Out in Public:
Right-o, but Viggo's Vice also came earlier than our latest bad-boy crew. He has been around for a while, after all."

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Does Nelly Fang's beard have a Blind Vice of her own, or has she appeared as a guest star in someone else's?
—Amanda F., NYC

Dear What's in a Name:
Again, beard (as we typically use it here in the A.T.) isn't so much the right term since they certainly get it on—unlike Topher, above. Still, Nelly is getting it from everyone on the side, and we have a feeling she isn't lonely at night, either. Nelly's lady has appeared in another B.V., but she doesn't have her own."

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
I am all about my hunky honey Alexander Skarsgård, but does his ex, Kate Bosworth have a Blind Vice?

Dear I'm Bored Already:
Only as a fairly insignificant supporting character."

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
What's the real dish behind the Skarsworth breakup? They said they broke up "a while ago" when it was announced, and she was seen out with her new guy

immediately, making it seem like they couldn't announce it until she had another man on her arm. But what's the reason for it? I've heard everything from she

was stalking him after he ended it, tired with her famewhoring ways, to him being heartbroken because she ended it while he wanted marriage. He certainly

seems to be enjoying the single life, what's your take? And did his Vice have anything to do with it?

Dear Publicity Stunted:
This couple has been over for a while, where have you been? Kate's quick to jump ship and this costar relaysh is nothing new for her. Was it just last month

she was dishing to some mag about Orlando Bloom? She needs to get over it. And yes, both stars' Vices factor considerably in the breakup. Well, at least one

does, for sure."