One Surprise, Surprise Blind Vice

A surprise Thursday BV from Ted.... Furrowed Frank returns!

Lead-in
Dudes, Degrees, n' Dirt
Special Edition: We've got a Thursday Blind Vice for ya today—in addition to tomorrow's drug-addled mystery nonsense—and you'll never guess who's being propositioned to be one of Furrowed Frank's latest boy-toys!
He Didn't!
What's a goss columnist to do when he's propositioned—by a somewhat discreet third party, mind you—to go have sex with one of his past Blind Vice subjects? Particularly if said gosser's recently married? Ah, the trials and tribulations one must endure just to report on our beloved Furrowed Frank, closeted-homo TV star.

One Surprise, Surprise Blind Vice
Remember Furrowed Frank, the big TV figure who has a straight trainer whom he sends out to hunt for bedtime playmates at the gym where they both train? Sure ya do! Only because the heartless fagola lothario is so predictably dude about it all, and not only does he not bother to secure his own ass assignations (thinks he'll be too recognized, as if F.F. standing by drooling while the deal's going down isn't obvs enough), he ditches the poor guys right after he's had his way with them.

Why are men—both gay and het—so damn unconcerned with their partner's feelings, huh? Were we all kicked as children, or something? Regardless, F.F. and his muscled accomplice continue right along with their disposable mattress machinations, blithely unaware the A.T. is totally on to them. Or not?

Went to a snot-butt din-din party the other night, and who would be seated across from me other than F2's prime purveyor of all things manly and clandestine—yes, the trainer himself. And said pro pumper is either one smart deltoid dude, or he's as dumb as Lindsay Lohan's current life coach. 'Cause, how can I put this? Let's just say I was given the opportunity, if I cared to, to take a turn on F2's casting bench.

I demurred. After all, I'm married now...otherwise?

And it ain't: Chris Noth, Jason Lewis, Kyle Maclachlan

AIA's from the previous FF BV: Justin Timberlake, Ty Pennington, Alec Baldwin

Also excluded: Will Smith, Rocco DiSpirito, Matt Damon, Johnny Knoxville, The Rock, Ryan Seacrest, Donald Trump, John Corbett, Luke Wilson

Why the Sex in the City hints? We thought this was Anderson Cooper last time but were never sure. After RS was eliminated we were thrown for a loop.

* Here is the earlier FF BV from February '08.

*** Top suspect: Anderson Cooper

One Muscle Matchmaker Blind Vice

From The Awful Truth, February 8th column

First Lead-In:

In a shameless sexual Blind Vice, which major entertainment-type dude is having his straight trainer scour gyms for his gay dates?

Second Lead In:

The Trapezoid Trap
This week’s Blind Vice has Furrowed Frank, an enormously popular entertainment figure, and his wily flat-bellied trainer picking up handsome boys with bulging muscles and desire for Frank, not so discreetly. How long before F.F.’s gym-floor whoring becomes public? Raunchy readers, place your bets and read on!

Blind Vice

Furrowed Frank is such a mainstay in contemporary entertainment, visible everywhere on screens big and small. ‘Course, many a pop culture aficionado insists what F2 does is definitely not entertainment, but it is. Indeed, the dude’s whole life is as meticulously written as his hair is coiffed. And that ain’t just my big-hair Texas exaggeration shootin’ off, trust.

Here’s how F2’s love life plays out, for ince. Oh, and need you even guess? Yes, bien sûr, F.F. is a closeted gay man, do they not make any other kind in this biz any more? I swear, I really do think we’re regressing since the time of Rock Hudson and that ersatz marriage to his secretary. I mean, get real. Andy Dick and his dubious hangers-on are practically the only friggin’ tier of boy-swingin’ guys to come clean, save a few souls like T.R. Knight, who was forced outta the closet, anyway.

Look, Furrowed had a b-f for a while, all fairly discreet 'n' stuff, never really got out there that much in the gay-sniffing zeitgeist that’s so increasingly prevalent...our apologies if this Vice department’s only expedited that dynamic, but I think it would have happened anyway. Now, F2 and his man have busted up. And since since Frank is under such tremendous pressure to perform before his mouthwatering public, Franky-poo’s needs must not go unmet, correct?

Furrowed’s trainer sure seems to think so. The big ol’ cut and ab-perf hunk has taken it upon himself to procure dates for Furrowed. And the damn guy’s straight! But that doesn’t stop him from interviewing potential exquisitely muscled men on the floor of the gym where he trains F.F., usually beginning with a query such as, “How would you feel if a big celebrity found you attractive and wanted to go out with you?”

Initial response is key here. If the boy’s dark eyes (as they almost always are, as Mr. F loves him some Latino lovin’) light up instantly, that’s usually a signal to go to the next step, which is either making the intro right there on the gym floor, or an almost immediate dinner or coffee setup. See, F ain’t got much time.

We could blame it on his pressing and highly visible work schedule, s'pose, but that wouldn’t really be accurate. More to the nooky-crazed point would be that Frank is much more interested in moving on to the next bulging find his trainer procures for him—rather than getting to know any of the fixed-up fellas, at all.

How long will it be before one of the quickly discarded dudes gets supersteamed and goes to the tabs, we wonder? Not very.

And it ain't: Justin Timberlake, Ty Pennington, Alec Baldwin

To see our guesses and to discuss, visit the comments below! I will say one thing... the AIA's are all very different from each other and random...

* Here is the link to the newer Furrowed Frank blind vice from May '08.

* Top Suspect: Anderson Cooper