In light of Ted's recent hint that
David Boreanaz's Blind Vice was about his cheating, I'm digging up some old ones again. How about
Barker Kumesalot...
One Hirsute, Hellraising and Horny Blind Vice - Oct 13, 2005
It's not like there's anyone alive who doesn't wish they could get a little nooky on the job. (Well, except maybe Laura Bush.) I can hear the yell over the cubicle now: "Yo, boss, I'm gonna head downstairs for some coffee and a little whoopee! Back in five!"
Yeah, right. But, hey, it wouldn't be such a salivating dream if you were to spend a day in Barker Kümeselot's boxers. Perhaps you've heard stories about this dirty dawg before. Yes, he gets around. And how.
Oh sure, B.K. has made more than a few trips to the Playboy Mansion. Yeah, he's lost his cherry more than once in the grotto. (I knew I should have worn a wetsuit when I filmed there last for E! News!)
But look, bros 'n' sisses, Barker is talented. So, we call him "eccentric." It's a nicer word than pervert, doncha think?
I mean, he's so special that without Barker K., Three and a Half Pricks, his superhot TV show, would stink, bien sûr !
It's time to knock on woody, though. Ya see, Barker still hasn't signed a new deal, which is up sooner than it takes Paris to change stalls, I mean, men. And Barker's friggin' barkin' for a bigger trailer, blah cushy this and blah oversize that. Duh. Maybe because it's hard to have an orgy in a twin bed?
Look, here's the bottom line: Most everybody who toils away on Three is getting downright grossed out by how many extras Bark bangs his way through. No discretion.
Whatever. His most pathetic excuse while his coworkers are made to wait during B.K.'s trailer-rockin' rompings? "I was getting a pedicure."
Must have been one helluva toe job. Sir Kümeselot, please learn to keep it in your pants at work. At least until that new gig is sealed up--the little screen would just be too, uh, unsubstantial, without you.
And it Ain't: Matthew Fox, Josh Duhamel, Kiefer Sutherland
And another -
One Call-a-Cab Blind Vice - May 4, 2006
What do Spoona Moon and Barker Kumeselot have in common?
Neither of these talented, tumultuous hotties can just say no when it comes to danger...er, fun!
Last week, Spoona's stylist hit up a ridiculously trendy boutique. The stylist seemed freakin' fed up with everything, but for a damn good reason.
"None of these clothes fit her right now," she sniffed, loud enuff for other shoppers to hear. "She's not eating at all, just doing coke."
Oh, Spoona, come on. I thought you had some new good-influence friends? Sigh.
Well, at least--as far as I know--she's not putting her wrecked head behind the wheel of a car. That's what Barker did last week, when he arrived at a high profile event seeming, well, high on life! (Booze, actually.) Anyway, Barker scared the Agent Provocateur panties and Hugo Boss briefs off some fancy-ass folks.
"He showed up hammered and drove up on the sidewalk," whispers my stunned source. "And a cop had to take him out of his car."
Miraculously, Barker did manage to make his way through the bash, which was very la-dee-dah--as in, no peeing in the planters, no chatter about network reality shows. But you won't see his puffy punum on the WireImage party page. He didn't--or perhaps couldn't--walk the carpet.
Hmmm, maybe Spoona and Barker will head to Promises rehab together and embark on a gloriously codependent journey to love?
Nah. They'd just wind up fighting over who's more seductive.
And it ain't: Mary Kate Olsen/Chad Michael Murray, Chloe Sevigny/Michael Rosenbaum, Sharon Stone/Charlie Sheen
Spoona Moon:
Eliminated: Mary Kate Olsen, Chloe Sevigny, Sharon Stone, Nicole Richie, Whitney Houston, Sienna Miller, Britney Spears
*Top suspect: Jessica Simpson, Ashley Olsen (?)
Barker Kumesalot:
Eliminated: Chad Michael Murray, Michael Rosenbaum, Charlie Sheen, Matthew Fox, Josh Duhamel, Kiefer Sutherland, DJ AM, Bobby Brown, Kevin Federline, Julian McMahon
*The top suspect for BK was Jeremy Piven. But me thinks that David Boreanaz is also definitely a possibility...