Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Vintage BV - Barker Kumesalot, Spoona Moon

In light of Ted's recent hint that David Boreanaz's Blind Vice was about his cheating, I'm digging up some old ones again.  How about Barker Kumesalot...

One Hirsute, Hellraising and Horny Blind Vice - Oct 13, 2005


It's not like there's anyone alive who doesn't wish they could get a little nooky on the job. (Well, except maybe Laura Bush.) I can hear the yell over the cubicle now: "Yo, boss, I'm gonna head downstairs for some coffee and a little whoopee! Back in five!"
Yeah, right. But, hey, it wouldn't be such a salivating dream if you were to spend a day in Barker Kümeselot's boxers. Perhaps you've heard stories about this dirty dawg before. Yes, he gets around. And how.
Oh sure, B.K. has made more than a few trips to the Playboy Mansion. Yeah, he's lost his cherry more than once in the grotto. (I knew I should have worn a wetsuit when I filmed there last for E! News!)
But look, bros 'n' sisses, Barker is talented. So, we call him "eccentric." It's a nicer word than pervert, doncha think?
I mean, he's so special that without Barker K., Three and a Half Pricks, his superhot TV show, would stink, bien sûr !
It's time to knock on woody, though. Ya see, Barker still hasn't signed a new deal, which is up sooner than it takes Paris to change stalls, I mean, men. And Barker's friggin' barkin' for a bigger trailer, blah cushy this and blah oversize that. Duh. Maybe because it's hard to have an orgy in a twin bed?
Look, here's the bottom line: Most everybody who toils away on Three is getting downright grossed out by how many extras Bark bangs his way through. No discretion.
Whatever. His most pathetic excuse while his coworkers are made to wait during B.K.'s trailer-rockin' rompings? "I was getting a pedicure."
Must have been one helluva toe job. Sir Kümeselot, please learn to keep it in your pants at work. At least until that new gig is sealed up--the little screen would just be too, uh, unsubstantial, without you.


And it Ain't: Matthew Fox, Josh Duhamel, Kiefer Sutherland 
And another -
One Call-a-Cab Blind Vice - May 4, 2006

What do Spoona Moon and Barker Kumeselot have in common?
Neither of these talented, tumultuous hotties can just say no when it comes to danger...er, fun!
Last week, Spoona's stylist hit up a ridiculously trendy boutique. The stylist seemed freakin' fed up with everything, but for a damn good reason.
"None of these clothes fit her right now," she sniffed, loud enuff for other shoppers to hear. "She's not eating at all, just doing coke."
Oh, Spoona, come on. I thought you had some new good-influence friends? Sigh.
Well, at least--as far as I know--she's not putting her wrecked head behind the wheel of a car. That's what Barker did last week, when he arrived at a high profile event seeming, well, high on life! (Booze, actually.) Anyway, Barker scared the Agent Provocateur panties and Hugo Boss briefs off some fancy-ass folks.
"He showed up hammered and drove up on the sidewalk," whispers my stunned source. "And a cop had to take him out of his car."
Miraculously, Barker did manage to make his way through the bash, which was very la-dee-dah--as in, no peeing in the planters, no chatter about network reality shows. But you won't see his puffy punum on the WireImage party page. He didn't--or perhaps couldn't--walk the carpet.
Hmmm, maybe Spoona and Barker will head to Promises rehab together and embark on a gloriously codependent journey to love?
Nah. They'd just wind up fighting over who's more seductive.


And it ain't: Mary Kate Olsen/Chad Michael Murray, Chloe Sevigny/Michael Rosenbaum, Sharon Stone/Charlie Sheen
Spoona Moon:  
Eliminated: Mary Kate Olsen, Chloe Sevigny, Sharon Stone, Nicole Richie, Whitney Houston, Sienna Miller, Britney Spears
 *Top suspect: Jessica Simpson, Ashley Olsen (?)
 
Barker Kumesalot: 
Eliminated: Chad Michael Murray, Michael Rosenbaum, Charlie Sheen, Matthew Fox, Josh Duhamel, Kiefer Sutherland, DJ AM, Bobby Brown, Kevin Federline, Julian McMahon
 *The top suspect for BK was Jeremy Piven.  But me thinks that David Boreanaz is also definitely a possibility...



19 comments:

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
It looks like great ideas are flowing over there at the Awful Truth. I can't decide which part I like better--the Awful Decoder, your new pic or the Blind Spot! Looking forward to checking in every day. And is Barker Kümeselot from One Hirsute, Hellraising 'n' Horny Blind Vice Julian McMahon?
Erin
Sydney, Australia

Dear Undecided:
Nope--but what an on-target hunch, my sweet. Think slightly less good-looking. And don't choose on the column's offerings, just get drunk on the edgy elixir they all offer! Can you tell I dug Capote?"

"Dear Ted:
Curse you, Ted Casablanca, and your new, kicky, back-to-basics, salt-and-pepper, age-appropriate delicious 'do! Ever since I noticed (the day before yesterday.) that I have a direct link to your column on my Comcast home page, I can't get enough scandal! It's like heroin! Is Charlie Sheen the guy in the Hirsute, Hellraising 'n' Horny Blind Vice?
Paul
Los Angeles

Dear Backhanded:
You calling me old, baby? Regardless, thanks for the compliments (I think), and no, the correct on-set carouser from last week is not Mr. S. Gotta say it's an excellent--and close--guess, and that only thousands of other snoop-babes thought he was the actor who likes to have trailer-nooky. Wonder why? Think not quite as successful. Bit less hair, too."

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Spoona Moon and Barker Kumeselot in One Call-a-Cab Blind Vice sound like Nicole Richie and DJ AM.
Wendy
Chicago

Dear Windy Wendy:
Girl, you're as cold as Lake Michigan. Think big-screen talent, little-screen life, not vice versa."

"Dear Ted:
Spoona Moon and Barker Kumeselot in One Call-a-Cab Blind Vice sound like Nicole Richie and DJ AM.
Wendy
Chicago

Dear Windy Wendy:
Girl, you're as cold as Lake Michigan. Think big-screen talent, little-screen life, not vice versa."

"Dear Ted:
Spoona Moona has got to be Sienna Miller!
Jeanne F.

Dear Det. Declarative:
Why, pray tell? 'Cause Spoona ain't Jude's whatever-woman. Think even more obvious, I'm afraid. "

"Dear Ted:
Spoona Moona and Barker Kumeselot from One Call-a-Cab Blind Vice are totally Britney and Kevin.
Heather Speaker

Dear Toxic Shock:
No, they're totally not! Think, uh, much better hair. On the girl, that is, certainly not the guy. "


"Dear Ted:
Is One-Call-a-Cab Blind Vice Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown?
Kim
Houston

Dear Way Off:
But I will always love you, regardless. Ya got the singing part right, though! "

cassandra said...

this screams Jonathon Rhys Meyer, but I dont think the timeline matches because Tudors didnt start till 2007 although he was on a CBS miniseries in 2005. Otherwise it seems like there are many hints the person is British or European:"bien sur", Sir Kumselot, Agent Provocateur (British lingerie brand/french term), Hugo Boss (German brand), Mark Getty who owns wireimage is British.

Brittany said...

This could be David but Ted is very adamant that he has a really bad temper. Not much about anger management issue in this one.

brANDYRHCII said...

i don't think it's david bc they keep bringing up the hair. david has wonderful hair.

anony-2 said...

Ted said "big-screen talent". How does that fit David Boreanaz? Rhy-Myers seems more likely, because when this came out, before The Tudors, he was more known for films than tv.

Karen said...

Yeah, not feeling DB on this one. It makes no mention of him being married.

The Spie said...

DB isn't Barker. Ted said in March that DB's only been in one BV. So we're looking for someone with a temper who's been cheating on his wife, and who's only made one appearance in a BV. This is going to call for some research.

Tara said...

Hirsuite=hairy. The Piv is absolutely known for this. Three and a half pricks is funny, as Ted is referring to Entourage, his show with the four main characters being Adrian Grenier, Jerry Ferrara, Kevin Dillon, and Kevin Connolly (the HALF--HAAAAAAAA). Kevin AKA Crawly McNugget. My money is on Jeremy with this one.

M said...

After researching (way too much time on my hands apparently) I am thinking this is Boreanaz too.

"Oh sure, B.K. has made more than a few trips to the Playboy Mansion."

His wife is a former Playmate.

"Ya see, Barker still hasn't signed a new deal, which is up sooner than it takes Paris to change stalls, I mean, men. And Barker's friggin' barkin' for a bigger trailer, blah cushy this and blah oversize that."

Ted said DB has a bad temper. This could be a reference to that.

"Sir Kümeselot, please learn to keep it in your pants at work. At least until that new gig is sealed up"

Bones premiered in Sept. 2005. This BV was originally posted Oct 2005. I don't know exactly how contracts work, but I am guessing that when a show gets picked up a new contact is signed.

"AND IT AIN'T: Matthew Fox, Josh Duhamel, Kiefer Sutherland"

Matthew FOX (station)- Also has dark features like DB, plus he's 6'2".

Josh Duhamel has similiar physical looks (brown hair often styled in same way DB styles his, 6'3" tall) AND HIS MIDDLE NAME IS DAVID

Kiefer Sutherland - Star of a FOX drama. Also played a VAMPIRE in Lost Boys NAMED DAVID.

Also:

-----------
"Dear Ted:
It looks like great ideas are flowing over there at the Awful Truth. I can't decide which part I like better--the Awful Decoder, your new pic or the Blind Spot! Looking forward to checking in every day. And is Barker Kümeselot from One Hirsute, Hellraising 'n' Horny Blind Vice Julian McMahon?
Erin
Sydney, Australia

Dear Undecided:
Nope--but what an on-target hunch, my sweet. Think slightly less good-looking. And don't choose on the column's offerings, just get drunk on the edgy elixir they all offer! Can you tell I dug Capote?"
---------------

Julian is around the same age as DB (1 yr difference), has dark features, and is 6'2".

Also:

-----------------
"Dear Ted:
Curse you, Ted Casablanca, and your new, kicky, back-to-basics, salt-and-pepper, age-appropriate delicious 'do! Ever since I noticed (the day before yesterday.) that I have a direct link to your column on my Comcast home page, I can't get enough scandal! It's like heroin! Is Charlie Sheen the guy in the Hirsute, Hellraising 'n' Horny Blind Vice?
Paul
Los Angeles

Dear Backhanded:
You calling me old, baby? Regardless, thanks for the compliments (I think), and no, the correct on-set carouser from last week is not Mr. S. Gotta say it's an excellent--and close--guess, and that only thousands of other snoop-babes thought he was the actor who likes to have trailer-nooky. Wonder why? Think not quite as successful. Bit less hair, too."
-------------------------

DB's career is nothing compared to Charlie Sheen's. Also for Bones he chopped off most of his hair. Season 1 of Bones has severe hair fail on all of the cast members...including him. ESPECIALLY him.

Also:

--------------------
"Dear Ted:
Spoona Moona and Barker Kumeselot from One Call-a-Cab Blind Vice are totally Britney and Kevin.
Heather Speaker

Dear Toxic Shock:
No, they're totally not! Think, uh, much better hair. On the girl, that is, certainly not the guy. "
--------------------

And again, the hair thing.

Yeah I researched this a little. Obviously.

blurry vice said...

M- thanks for the analysis! I agree.

lereflux said...

barker is obviously carlos estevez, aka charlie sheen

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
I just recently got into the show Bones, and it has become my new obsession. I was saddened to hear that David Boreanaz wasn't the charming and kind guy that he seemed to be in interviews. I was just wondering if the friendship between Emily Deschanel and David is how they portray it, or if they no longer get along because of his "habits"? P.S. My rescue kitty, Sebastian, says hi.
—Kirbi

Dear Sebastian's Ma:
Hi to your puss, and listen, Emily doesn't know anything now she didn't already know a long time ago. Like a whole lotta folks on that set."

blurry vice said...

lereflux - hmm well I think it's OBVIOUS that Charlie Sheen has been eliminated for this. Use your eyes and read the words on the page.

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
I've been following you for years (not in a stalkerish way), and my rescue kitty, Sparks (found him on the Fourth of July) and I would like to know if David Boreanaz is making a genuine effort to turn his life around and become the man we always hoped he was?
—Big Bee

Dear Bored with Boreanaz:
He's genuinely trying to make people believe that he's making a genuine effort."

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
I've started watching some old episodes of Buffy the Vampire Slayer (yes, I need a life) and have fallen in love all over again with the gorgeous David Boreanaz. I know his infidelity has been the topic of conversation with him as of late, but I have a feeling there's more to his vice than just that. Can give us a hint to what his B.V. might be?
—Kate

Dear There's a Little More...:
But it's just as sleazy as his in-public debauchery."

M said...

I'm back again.

I previous posted the in-depth analysis of why I thought this vice was DB's. However, I recently started watching Entourage and researching Jeremy Piven and frankly this Vice could be either one of them. The ain'ts scream DB, the name of the show and other debauchery screams JP.

Here's a not-so-in-depth-as-the-DB-one analysis for how it fits JP:


"But, hey, it wouldn't be such a salivating dream if you were to spend a day in Barker Kümeselot's boxers."

Minor detail that doesn't narrow it down much, but Piven does wear boxers. SOURCE: http://www.esquire.com/features/piven0607

Jeremy's quote from interview: What am I wearing? That's the first time a man has asked me that. Boxers and a Doors T-shirt.

"Perhaps you've heard stories about this dirty dawg before. Yes, he gets around. And how."

DB's cheating ways were pretty much under wraps until he confessed. Stories of Jeremy Piven's womanizing ways date way back previous to him really becoming a household name. Before Entourage, most people didn't really know or care about him.

"Oh sure, B.K. has made more than a few trips to the Playboy Mansion. Yeah, he's lost his cherry more than once in the grotto."

Pivert has been to the mansion PLENTY of times. Read this hilarious eye-witness account (picture included!) of Pivert trying to pick up a chick. WARNING: SITE NSFW http://www.drunkenstepfather.com/index.php/2008/06/04/jeremy-piven-tries-to-get-pussy-of-the-day

"But look, bros 'n' sisses, Barker is talented. So, we call him "eccentric." It's a nicer word than pervert, doncha think?"

Well, Jeremy's nickname is The Pivert, and he is a VERY talented actor. Too bad he's a jerk.

"I mean, he's so special that without Barker K., Three and a Half Pricks, his superhot TV show, would stink, bien sûr !"

Now having watched Entourage, the only interesting character on that piece of shit show is Ari Gold, played by Piven. Google some early reviews of Entourage and you will see the critics say pretty much the same thing. Three and a Half refers to the Entourage - 4 guys, but Kevin Connelly is so short he only counts as half. Too funny.

"Look, here's the bottom line: Most everybody who toils away on Three is getting downright grossed out by how many extras Bark bangs his way through. No discretion."

On a DVD commentary of an episode with the 4 "entourage" guys, someone makes the comment "Jeremy...yeah he gets a lot of girls..." and the other 3 guys in unison chime in with "Yeah he does, mmhmm, yup." They don't laugh about it at all. Their tone indicates annoyance (or jealousy?)

"Must have been one helluva toe job. Sir Kümeselot, please learn to keep it in your pants at work. At least until that new gig is sealed up--the little screen would just be too, uh, unsubstantial, without you."

Again, without Piven's character Entourage would be a complete crapfest. On DB's show Bones the characters are actually interesting and fun to watch.

And it Ain't: Matthew Fox, Josh Duhamel, Kiefer Sutherland

All three of these actors have done movies but hit it BIG on tv shows. Lost (premiered in 2004), Las Vegas (2003), 24 (2001). Jeremy Piven has primarily been in minor movie roles, but exploded when Entourage came around.


I won't go into details with all the other Ted emails/responses, but he constantly makes references to bad hair. Pivert is pluggin' and ruggin' and not fooling anyone.

Oh, and one more:

"Ya see, Barker still hasn't signed a new deal, which is up sooner than it takes Paris to change stalls, I mean, men. And Barker's friggin' barkin' for a bigger trailer, blah cushy this and blah oversize that."

Simply Google on of the following:

Jeremy Piven douche
Jeremy Piven asshole
Jeremy Piven jackass

Happy reading.

blurry vice said...

"
Dear Ted;
I'd love for you to give your insider opinion on 2010. Which breakup were you most surprised by in 2010? Which hookup was a shocker? Were any cheaters that were exposed in 2010 a surprise to you or did you have the goods on pretty much all of them? Who were you the proudest or most disappointed of in 2010? Which B.V. did your readers come the closest to solving? Love, love, love your column. It helps me escape real life for a few minutes a day.
—Annie

Dear In Order U Asked:
Reese Witherspoon and Jake Gyllenhaal, Taylor Swift and John Mayer, David Boreanaz, James Franco and Oprah, Me-Me Dallas. You're very welcome!"

"Dear Ted:
Your reply in your recent Bitch-Back regarding what you've known about David Boreanaz got me

wondering. Did his wife know, or at least have suspicions before he was caught by Star and later

admitted it to People? Why has she bothered to stay with him? Especially since I remember you saying

he is only trying to look like he's changed his ways.
—Dignity anyone

Dear Once a Cheater...:
I think a woman always has a hunch. But if you can forgive and forget? Or turn a blind eye, then a

(quasi-) happy marriage that can make."

Rita said...

My new obsession is David Boreanaz. Started watching Bones, which I was opposed to for such a long time, because David was Angel, and I could not see him playing such an opposing character.

However, time went by, and a few months ago I succumbed (for lack of quality tv shows during summertime), and started catching up on the 6 seasons of Bones.

IT IS AMAZING! Funny, smart, cookie, intense, finally, great tv.

Because of the symmetry and amazing chemistry between both Bones characters, played by Emily Deschanels (Bones) and David Boreanaz (FBI agent Booth), I've started watching their interviews on Youtube, as well as Bloopers from previous seasons on the show. I was convinced that these 2 had something going on.

I know this is long, but bare with me. With my new obsession with Bones, I've started liking David Boreanaz more and more: he seemed like a genuinely nice guy, very much in-like of his co-star, and all-over simple but good TV actor.

But then, I remembered his coming forward a few months ago for having cheated on his wife, while she was pregnant, with that Tiger Woods not-so-nice-name-to-a-home-wrecker #1. Turns out, she was having an affair with David, and he didn't want to leave his wife while she was delivering his second baby. Also, David was being sued for sexual harassment on the job, as well as him accusing someone else of asking for money to keep their affair quite. Poof, not so angelic anymore that David.

So I've started looking through past Bitch Backs, knowing that David has earned himself a BV moniker from the time he was on Buffy and Angel.

Ted kept on highlighting the fact that David Boreanaz's Blind Vice had:
1- Nothing to do with homosexuality
2- Nothing to do with toe-sucking
3- Everything to do with infidelity and sex in his trailer
4- A LOT to do with Temper.

I don't know how many times Ted specified that David had a temper, and he was hard to work with on the set of Bones. Very demanding, very angry.

Which leads me to assume that Barker Kumesalot is NOT David Boreanaz.

His blind must have sex and temper in it, and must be older then Nov. 2008 (that's only how far the Bitch Backs would go on E!)

So I'm starting to go through the older blind vices, and thanks to this site, I will be able to submit a few guesses soon.

If any of the sisters are reading, where can I post my guesses for David Boreanaz?

Thanks for reading, sorry for this being such a long post, and anyone has any other guesses for David's Blind?

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