Blind Vice Archive: Chester Shorts-Off & Secretia Ohio

Another chapter of Ted and the Awful team's archives.  Our favorite celeb swingers, Tony and Eva!  Just in time for the news of their divorce.

This couple has provided us with a few of our favorite Blind Vice's. Who doesn't love some kinky fun?
As their relationship is quite unconventional, Secretia Ohio and Chester Shorts-Off are dangerously close to figuring out the perfect sinful Hollywood partnership. Everyone in this skanky town cheats, so why not do it together? But open relationships only work for so long…
The Perps: Secretia Ohio and Chester Shorts-Off
Primary Vice: Swingers
Blind Bio: This couple has been known to hit up certain swinger parties in the Hollywood Hills together. Sex on the side for both Secretia and Ohio is totally okay since they're apart a lot, but emotional cheating is never allowed. And, sure enough, trouble started brewing when Ms. Ohio started fooling around more than Chester preferred…so he emotionally checked out.

Top suspects: Eva Longoria and Tony Parker

Here are our posts on the 3 Chester and Secretia BVs: February 2010 including a full list of who has been eliminated; March 2010; and the most recent from today, November 2010.

Blind Vice: Swinging Sex Play Gets Super-Sticky for Celeb Couple

New from Ted today -

Blind Vice: Swinging Sex Play Gets Super-Sticky for Celeb Couple

As we told you a while ago, Secretia Ohio and Chester Shorts-Off were developing a couple of cracks in their very liberal (and licentious) love agreement. And we're not just talking random butt crack, babes.
Nope, Secretia was becoming a bit careless in her private hookups, even though the two had agreed to have an open relationship—which often included swinging orgy sex. How psychedelic '60s, love it! However, Chester was not at all pleased with his gal's borderline-public liaisons with other men, so he decided to...
Start being indiscrete himself!
And handsome Chester (who, if you ask us, isn't quite the hunk-muffin so many folks say he is, but whatever) did his sex-hungry honey one better: He started getting emotionally attached to his sex partners. Going out, having lunch and dinner, you know, hanging.
OMG, the nerve Chester had to not just have sex with these women! And anything that went beyond the bedroom, Secretia had warned, would always be considered the ultimate no-no numero uno.
People are such idiots, really. Do they think multiple orgasms with multiple partners isn't going to eventually lead to some kind of psychological—if not affectionate—connection between the players? Dumb, dumb, dumb.
But Chester was pretty dumb himself when he thought Secretia would just lie back and take his one-upmanship. Hardly this bitch's style.
So Ms. Ohio is currently deciding her options. Does she dump Chester and demand a bigass piece of his financial pie in the process—and risk exposing her own sexual goings-on in the process? Or does she stay with Chester and make the best of it?
But plan C, which involves only Chester being hung out to dry—for an agreed-upon monetary arrangement between the two cheaters, of course—would probably be far more likely.
It Ain't: Kevin and Christine Costner, Nicole Richie and Joel Madden, Michelle and Barack Obama.

Top suspects: still Eva Longoria and Tony Parker. 

See our other SO and CSO posts: March 2010 and February 2010 including a full list of who has been eliminated.

Blind Vice: Are Secretia and Chester Getting Sloppy?

From Ted yesterday-

Blind Vice: Are Secretia and Chester Getting Sloppy?

Well, we already knew the gays live to push the wild and crazy sex card, what with kinky guys like Nelly Fang and Crotch Uh-Lastic. But who knew the straights were so good at being daring, too? Always thought you folks were a bit more behind-closed-door types. Learn something new every day, huh?
Just like Secretia Ohio and Chester Shorts-Off, our newly arrived Blind Vice Swingers are learning more lovin'! Ohhh, do tell:
As we told you last, Secretia and Chester are pretending like it's 1969, or something, and attending select Hollywood parties where they throw car keys into bowls and have sex with whichever partyer's keys they pull out.
And you people say us gays are kinky!
Jeez, I like to actually choose a partner before having sex, is that so old-fashioned? Apparently so, according to Secretia and Chester, who have made quite the name for themselves, as most people who attend these catered orgies aren't nearly as famous as is the beautiful couple.
But two things are taking this very sultry sitch to a new level: One, Secretia has started stepping out on her own for private affairs. And even though the twosome has an agreement that this is OK, Secretia's really going a bit overboard (as she's done with many of her previous relationships, monogamy's never really been her thing).
Chester just fools around once in awhile, which is what he'd hoped Secretia would do, as well.
No such luck.
And secondly, Chester and Secretia have been in the rags a bit more than usual lately. Their profile's higher—as are the chances that somebody from one of these Hollywood sex parties is going to blab to the tabloids. Which is usually the case in these types of situations.
Or have they spilled already?

It Ain't: Kobe and Vanessa Bryant, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, Johnny Depp and Vanessa Paradis.

* The link to previous Secretia and Chester BV from February 2010 including a full list of who has been eliminated can be found here.  And the most recent SO and CSO BV from November 2010 is here.

Top suspects: Eva Longoria, Tony Parker

Blind Vice: Celeb Swingers Get It On!

New BV from Ted today -

Blind Vice: Celeb Swingers Get It On!
Secretia Ohio and Chester Shorts-Off are as horny as they are famous—just don't think they're so hot for each other, that's all. Hmmm. Certainly explains some very tabloid-messy love sitches the two have been caught in, more than once.
But let's back up:
Secretia, an impressively put-together gal of verve, good looks and surprising steeliness, has long gotten it on with tons o' guys, even though the public pretty much doesn't know. And some folks were a bit surprised when she married Chester, an incredibly talented dude who's always so busy keeping his gorgeous face smiling, no one's really stopped to think what a slut he is.
But major STD-alert? Man, is he ever:
Chester sleeps with guys as often as his career provides him with huge-ass checks. This was a little known fact when Chesty and Secretia married, to much public pronouncement. How wonderful the pretty charmer hooked the quieter, chiseled-jaw type. What a celebrity fairy-tale romance everybody thought it would be!
The public couldn't have been more wrong—or uninformed.
The deliciously kinky arrangement Secretia and Chester have is this: She gets to hook up with all the guys she pleases—usually by picking their names out of bowls at classy swingers parties. (Is that sorta like calling an alcoholic who guzzles only Grey Goose a "classy drunk"?) And Chester gets to boink all the boys he wants.
That is their secret arrangement.
And, yes, the couple does—on occasion—have sex the old-fashioned married way (meaning, with each other). But hey, how long is that gonna last, I wonder? 'Cause sooner or later, one of these beautiful couple's myriad outside lovers is gonna blow the whistle. Or worse: Watch one of Secretia or Chester's affairs fall in love with them, and then go hire Gloria Allred and call a press conference because they can't have Ohio or Shorts-Off all to themselves!
Either way, it's a precarious love sitch that's just bound to pop—and how. What else do you expect when you pick your partner like he's a piece of popcorn?
And it ain't: Charlie Sheen/Brooke Mueller, John Travolta/Kelly Preston, Tiger/Elin Woods

As of 12/23/10 - Ted has eliminated Charlie Sheen/Brooke Mueller, John Travolta/Kelly Preston, Tiger/Elin Woods, Tom Cruise/Katie Holmes, Tom Brady/Gisele Bundchen, Diane Lane/Josh Brolin, David/Victoria Beckham, Kelly Ripa/Mark Consuelos, Angie Harmon/Jason Sehorn, Ryan Reynolds/Scarlett Johansson, Halle Berry/Gabriel Aubry, Will Smith/Jada Pinkett Smith, Channing Tatum/Jenna Dewan, Rebecca Gayheart/Eric Dane, Natalie Maines/Adrian Pasdar, Kobe/Vanessa Bryant, Brad Pitt/Angelina Jolie, Johnny Depp/Vanessa Paradis, Pink/Carey Hart, Josh Duhamel/Fergie, Hank Baskett/Kendra Wilkinson, Beyonce/Jay Z, Claire Danes, Spencer Pratt/Heidi Montag, Nicole Kidman/Keith Urban, Naomi Watts/Liev Schreiber, Mariah Carey/Nick Cannon, Courteney Cox/David Arquette, Kevin/Christine Costner, Nicole Richie/Joel Madden, Michelle/Barack Obama., Demi Moore/Ashton Kutcher, Michael C. Hall/Jennifer Carpenter.

Here is the link to the Secretia and Chester BV from March 19, and here is the most recent from November 2010.


* Our top suspects: Eva Longoria/Tony Parker