Vintage BV - Rust Puss & Jake Fake

This one's got two in one.  One of them, Rust Puss, is still up in the air. One of them, Jake Fake, Ted semi-revealed (see comments).

One Gay 'n' Straight Blind Vice - March 30, 2005


Okay, we're doin' a little mixin' and matchin' here, my do-me detectives. Got one superhot-hot-hot hunkerator, whose name happens to be Rust Puss, and a rather more slick, leading-man version of studhood named Jake Fake.
One's pretending to be straight so he can keep that hugely successful boob-tube he-man status he just got stamped 'n' steamed with, the other's acting like his girlie girlfriend is the only honey for him. Hardly!
First, Russ, I fear, has a thang or two in common with last week's Toothy Tile: He's getting a little too public--for his diverting ways, that is. No, not with pedal-to-the-metal smooching, just in gossiping about his same-sex love life with like-minded boy-lovin' boys. Jeez, doesn't ol' Rust know how the dudes talk! (More than any gal on the planet, promise.)
Then there's the supposedly über-mannered Jake, who's off on location filming When the Low Rose Knows. Very romantic setting, this film locale. So much so that a local gal with whom the supposedly attached J.F. hooked up attended a proper (but slightly rainy) garden party. Said local babe overheard another dame talking about how she had had the succulently lipped Mr. F.
Local lass busted in that she had him first--but then, quicker than you could say, Put an umbrella on that pig-in-a-blanket, yet another woman chimed in how she made nooky galore with the gorgeous guy before any of 'em!
Needless to say, Jake's unknowing intended is going to be just as friggin' jaded as Jake's current (and official) ex. Mark my transmitted words.

And it ain't: Josh Hartnett/Josh Brolin, Wilmer Valdarrama/Will Smith, Tom Cruise/Tom Welling

For Rust Puss:
Eliminated - Josh Hartnett, Wilmer Valderrama, Tom Cruise, Josh Duhamel, Tom Welling, Ben McKenzie
Top suspect -

For Jake Fake:
Eliminated - Josh Brolin, Will Smith, Tom Welling, Josh Hartnett
Ted semi-revealed to be: Jude Law

Vintage BV: Pete Poked, Charmaine Chuck-Up

Since Ted mentioned Pete Poked in his column recently, we're bringing back another one of his oldies...

One Reserved-Parking Blind Vice - Sept 7, 2006

Another Hollywood bustup. Boo-freakin'-hoo. Excuse me if I'm not exactly cryin' into my hanky. In this town, where relationships last about as long as lunchtime Botox sessions, peeps who manage to stay together are the real newsworthy ones, don't you all think? Anyhow, I never really thought Pete Poked and Charmaine Chuck-Up were such hot 'n' heavy lovebirds in the first place.

I mean, you can't place your Prius in a spot that's already taken, can you? 'Course not! Kinda like how Char-love couldn't possibly be the stylish ride of choice for Petey's daredevil desires, 'cause he's already had a serious shotgun boyfriend for quite sometime. Yes, that's right: Just like Toothy and so many of the friggin' rest of 'em, P2 likes the boys, not the girls--no matter how thin or pretty or pouty they may be.

I'm told this par-tick tight boyish twosome enjoys sportin' weekend jaunts to the mountains, where they can hit the slopes and canoodle by candlelight far, far away from those pesky papa-Nazis. Wonder if Charmaine recently found out about these little snowy va-cays and went berserk, hence their recent bustup?

Or maybe she knew about them all along and is just dumping him now that her face has become so gaunt, she can't even fake the fake no more? Note to snitty types: Eat! Or your emoting capabilities nosedive, as it were.

And it ain't: Jennifer Aniston/Vince Vaughn, Tori Spelling/Dean McDermott, or Jessica Simpson/John Mayer

Also eliminated - Tobey Maguire, Charlize Theron/Stuart Townsend, Joel Madden/Hillary Duff

Top suspects - Orlando Bloom/Kate Bosworth, Jude Law/Sienna Miller, Leonardo DiCaprio, Gisele Bundchen

Here is the other vintage BV in which Pete Poked is mentioned.