Blind Vice: Sloppy Sluts Unite!

This BV was new from Ted on Tues Aug 2 - old characters...

Blind Vice: Sloppy Sluts Unite!

I guess Slurpa Pop-Off and Morgan Mayhem didn't get the memo. Tooling around Hollywood in outrageously expensive wheels while enjoying low-rent screws and buckets of cocaine is just so, well, 2006.
Girls, can't you hip it up better than that?
Guess not. And it's getting worse: Morgan and Slurpa, who both used to be two of the most successful young businesswomen in Hollywood (no joke) have seen their earnings reports...well, they aren't exactly sky-rocketing lately.
Which is a shame, because both these gals were the original crafty chick—in every way. Now, they can't even get invited to a decent Hollywood party.
So, what are two former It girls supposed to do? Band together, that's what!
Slurpa and Morgs—totally high—are now crashing A-list parties together, tripping, falling, purses opening and spilling everywhere. It's pretty sad.
"They think they're so funny," lamented one horrified guest at a Hollywood Hills bash the two girls invited themselves to recently. "But it's just pathetic. People didn't even recognize them at first. And then, it's like, once you realize who they are, please."
As one of the shocked onlookers said, "Even Nicole Richie cleaned up her act, come on!"
But reform has always been a dirty word to Morgs and Slurp. Which, actually, is part of their charm. The problem being, however, is that the naughty chemicals are starting to run the show for Pop-Off and Mayhem—like they did with Charlie Sheen. And it's boring as crap.
Not to mention as dangerous as Amy Winehouse's situation.
And It Ain't: Mary-Kate Olsen and Kate Hudson, Olivia Munn and Tila Tequila, Kathy Griffin and Joan Rivers

Please refer to the labels below for links to the many previous Slurpa Pop-Off and Morgan Mayhem BVs.

Top suspects:
Slurpa Pop-Off = Paris Hilton
 Morgan Mayhem = Lindsay Lohan

Blind Vice: Morgan Mayhem Demands Drinks, Gets Denied!

Snooze... another Lindsay Lohan BV from Ted... this one from Wed July 13

Blind Vice: Morgan Mayhem Demands Drinks, Gets Denied!


If somebody was ever begging to be saved (albeit in a really stupid-ass way), it's gotta be the hard Hollywood-partier, Morgan Mayhem. This fallen, joke of a talent is starting to make Courtney Love look like an A-list star, by feeble comparison.
Lame twitter exchanges with fans? Check. Bitter wars with family members over totally bratty things? Check. Hasn't done what got her famous in the first place, for, like, 2 billions years? Check!
So, after Morgan's latest P.R. makeover, which was designed solely to make Morgan look like a darling angel, what did the supposedly reformed girl go right out and do?
Attempt to get wasted at a very fancy L.A. party, up in the Hollywood Hills.
Morgan's hosts are some very happening, quite lovely folks in H-Town, and they were actually excited (and happy) to have Mayhem as a guest—as long as she did just one thing:
They did not want M.M. drinking in their luxurious home—at all. Not even a sip. Nada.
Even still, when a most indignant Morgan (who's not at all used to being told what she can and cannot do) made a scene by demanding drinks, Mayhem got what was probably the surprise of her life: She was told no, again—and again.
"The hosts were really nice about it," says one observer who was also at the exclusive get-together in one of Mayhem's more familiar zip codes. "But they were also insistent that they would not serve [Morgan]."
"This isn't good for you," the hosts finally said to the pretty young thing who was sitting slouched while demanding cocktails. "No, we're not serving you."
No?! A word Ms. M's not exactly accustomed to hearing, for sure!
But, of course, even though Mayhem was publicly denied from getting her booze on at the exclusive party, she nevertheless figured out how to get tanked elsewhere. On the very same night famed celeb-rehab legend Betty Ford passed away.
How ironic. Or would foreboding be a better word?
AND IT AIN'T: Amy Winehouse, Bai Ling, Jessica Simpson

Please see the label below for links to the previous Morgan Mayhem BVs.

Top suspect: Lindsay Lohan

Blind Vice! Morgan, You have One More (A-List) Chance!

This was new from Ted on Friday -

Blind Vice!  Morgan, You Have One More (A-List) Chance!



Delusional and drug-addled Morgan Mayhem has really got to be the most pitiful of all our Blind Vice Superstars. It's getting boring reporting on her, so we've basically stopped.
Except, recently we were talking to one of our A-List sources (we adore all types here at AT, just so you know, all the way down to Z-list!), who told us Morgan is in for a shock soon:
She's going to be offered an A-list job again! And, trust us, this is no sleazy project like those the once-top actress is used to doing these days.
Academy-Award winning director. Academy-Award-nominated co-talent. Very cool, hip up-and-coming costars.
And the part itself?
"A complete whack-job girlfriend, Morgan would be perfect."
And how. The only problem being that the director is busy fighting with the costars, who are adamant they will not work with M2, who they consider "a total asshole."
However, the director, who is not to be deterred, is busy telling his actors they will be meeting with Ms. Mayhem, just the same, as soon as the meeting's finalized—and that he fully expects Morgan to come to the meeting "fully contrite, asking for the job."
You hear that, Morgan-doll? Through all your coked-out, boo-hoo scrapes in life, can you even remember how to act anymore? Because if you can, you might want to start with the audition process.
They're expecting somebody who you know doesn't exist anymore (and probably never did), so see if you can pull if off, sweetheart!
If you ever want to work in this town again, that is.
It Ain't: Katy Perry, AnnaLynne McCord, Demi Lovato

Please see the label below for a link to our other many posts on Morgan Mayhem BVs over several years.

Top suspect: Lindsay Lohan

(film Magic Mike; Steven Soderbergh)

Bonus Blind: Morgan Mayhem Thinks We're Idiots!

Sorry for the delay.  It's been a crazy week so far.  This was new from Ted on Monday...

Bonus Blind: Morgan Mayhem Thinks We're Idiots!

What's a party girl to do when she returns to the scene but isn't allowed to play like she used to? Hmmm. Poor over-indulged (and over-exposed) Morgan Mayhem is suffering such a dilemma.
But the good news is, she's back! On the club circuit! Where she belongs!
Problem is, Morgan just can't lay off the booze—hard as she's tried. But our girl is making progress, promise. See, to help sorta try and clean up her incredibly filthy act,  M.M. has completely and totally sworn off...
Cocaine!
But how long can this last? Morgan is putting herself in the exact same situations that led her down the path to rehab. And by surrounding herself with party friends from the past, Morgan barely has a shot at staying off the sauce. Or the powder.
Picture it: a dark Hollywood nightclub with music pumping through the speakers as heavily as air conditioning cools off the spoiled club rats who inhabit it. The party is already in full force as Morgan breezes past the paparazzi's flashbulbs on her way inside and tucks into a black leather booth in the back corner of the room.
Where there are...two bottles of Grey Goose, a pitcher of cranberry juice, one of tonic water and a bowl of limes. All chilled. All gratis. So, Morgan's friends immediately pop open the vodka and start pouring themselves doubles. Morgan's tall blonde girlfriend pours two drinks, one for her and one for Morgan, who obviously cannot be seen anywhere near the vodka bottles.
"It's water!" Morgan hisses at a college-age girl in a Bebe minidress ready to take a pic with her cell phone and send to the rest of her sorority.
But Morgan needs the extra liquid tonight, as she's got an ex in the room and everyone is feeling très awkward about it. So tonight, Morgan just pours herself some extra "clear liquid" and stays away from the powder that is being offered to her discreetly in friend's purses and during frequent trips to the bathroom.
Because Morgan's told her friends: It is her mission to keep those poor, damaged nostrils of hers blow-free.
Uh, then why hang in clubs where nose candy flows like Russell Brand's seminal fluid?
Unfortunately, it's only a matter of time before M is back to her old, jaded tricks. I mean, really, it's the equivalent of an Overeaters Anonymous member taking a cruise with 24/7 buffets on every level. Why torture yourself like this, Morgan?
Because you don't really want to clean up your act?
Yeah, we already knew that. 
AND IT AIN'T: Cristina Aguilera, Paris Hilton, Mischa Barton

Please refer to the label below for a link to our many previous posts on Morgan Mayhem.

Top suspect: Lindsay Lohan

Bonus Blind! The Mayhems Keep It in the Family

New from Ted today...

Bonus Blind!  The Mayhems Keep It in the Family

It's no wonder Morgan Mayhem has such issues. True, we said we wouldn't talk about the notoriously troubled starlet until she got her act together, but curiosity about M.M.'s ways seemed to have peaked again with you readers, so here's the latest behind-the-scenes update (even though most of her secrets are fairly public right now).
It seems that Morgan isn't the only member of her family with issues right now, as if that's a surprise. Meet Misha Mayhem, a relative to one Miss Morgan...
It's not like Mish has made his or her way through the tabloids unscathed. No, this "star" (‘though it pains us to use that term) has had a fair share of press woes.
Considering the age gap between M and M, you would think Misha would know how to behave (after all, Morg is a walking example of how not to act in Hollywood). But when does anyone in this Industry ever do the right thing?
You can find sometimes Mish sneaking in the back of the clubs behind Morgan. Because a family that parties together stays together, right?
In usual Morgan fashion, the frowned-upon festivities hardly end there. If Misha decides to skip out on the preparty (you know, to avoid those "WTF Is Wrong With This Family" headlines) M.M. and M.M. will meet up late at night at their hills bash of choice and continue to blow it out.
Of course, superstealth cars drop Misha off because the paparazzi still usually catch Morg at these late-night shindigs. However, quite surprisingly Mish escapes unseen. You know, Morgan takes one for the team and goes out the front door while Misha sneaks out through underground garages. What a sweet, sweet gesture Morgy! Good thing too, because those bloodshot eyes could be a dead giveaway as to what the fam is really doing together.
One house in particular they like to hit up is Dougy Dry-Hump's local haunt of choice too. How small this effed-up town is, no?

And It Ain't: Bruce Jenner, Holly Montag, Angel McCord

See the label for "Morgan Mayhem" for the many other posts about her.  We strongly believe she is Lindsay Lohan. 
Therefore, the top guesses for Misha Mayhem = either Ali Lohan or Dina Lohan.

Blind Vice: Keep Your Friends Close, Druggies Closer!

New from Ted today -

Blind Vice: Keep Your Friends Close, Druggies Closer!

We know we promised we wouldn't talk about Morgan Mayhem anymore—until she cleans up her act, that is, which she so totally is not doing—so we apologize for bringing the dreaded M2 back into the mix. Had to.

The good news? This Blind Vice isn't entirely about nasty old Morgs, it's more about the young Hollywood bestie that's getting the Mayhem 101 in "How to Be Bad."

Meet Strawberry Snort'Em, a rising diva known for her mildly wild ways, who's picked up one of M.M.'s nastier habits…
Coke, a Mayhem fave (tho she'd tell you otherwise, obviously).
You wouldn't know it, but S.S. and M2 are quite close—as in share-a-gay-BFF close, the ultimate bond in H'wood. Thing is, Strawberry knows Morgan's rep and wouldn't be caught anywhere near her.
Even on Twitter, where Morgs desperately tries to chat our newest B.V. vixen up but never gets as much as a pity @reply.
But when Strawberry doesn't think she'll be caught, she's got absolutely no problem getting Morgan-level wild! And for a chick who's so friggin' concerned about what people think of her, S.S. isn't so discreet about her bathroom behaviors.
Maybe she figured it was an unspoken code of T-town? "What goes on in the bathroom, stays in the bathroom…"
Well, a few someones are blabbing.
Fellow clubbers on this specific night were too pleased to spot S.S. and M2 snorting away in the trendy L.A. hot spot's posh bathrooms.
And while Morgan went on to much more tabloid-talked-about antics that night (as she always does), Strawberry avoided the press and instead pissed off the other partyers with her coked-up craziness.
Strawberry was completely out of control, dish our club sources, telling us S2 was even climbing on statues within the club. S2's got a name that carries clout in Hollyweird, so security obviously didn't step in to stop her, even though the other club-hoppers were complaining.
Hey, this is Hollywood, people, if you don't like the way the starlets play, get out of the damn clubs, right?
With Morgan as a role model, we're terrified of what may become of sweet Strawberry Snort'Em. Cross your fingers, folks, because we'd hate to see S2's career—and personal life (what would her dude think?)—go down the drain like Morgan's.

It Ain't: Hayden Panettiere, Miley Cyrus, Ashely Greene

We know that Morgan Mayhem = Lindsay Lohan.  See our labels on the right for more Morgan Mayhem posts.

* For Strawberry Snort'Em:
Update 4/20/12 - Ted has eliminated Hayden Panettiere, Miley Cyrus, Ashley Greene, Kirstin Dunst, Lisa Marie Presley, Amanda Bynes. 

Current top suspect: Katy Perry
 

Vintage BV: Toothy Tile

We finally have compiled the missing Toothy Tile blind vices!  Going back over 5 years here. Check the labels on the right side of your screen for many other, more recent Toothy Tile blind vices.  There's also a couple of other BV pseudonyms in these.  Discussion in the comments section on who those may be.
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One Adorable Blind Vice - March 9, 2005


Okay, sugar-muffins, the only reason this one's in the Vice section is because until quite recently, Toothy Tile was dating his superpopular, superannoyingly perfect girlfriend. Not boyfriend. Which, if you ask this old gossip whore, is the classification Tile would prefer his significant others be filed under in the very near future.

Mere days ago, while everyone was hooting and complaining about this gown and that host from the Oscars, Tile was right out in the open holding hands with his man in a West Hollywood restaurant--which shall remain nameless...because I love going there and they probably won't serve me anymore if I start outing their customers, ca-friggin'-peesh?

Not that I'd be outting anybody, anyway. Mr. Tile took care of that himself. Covertly, but he did it.

It was late in the afternoon; everybody had cleared out. Save Tile and his man-amigo, who extended his hands flat on the marble table (yes, that's a hint) until they were intertwined with Tile's. Massive smiles then appeared on both daring dudes.

Too sweet! And such a departure for this debauched department, doncha think? Don't worry, as sure as Tile's famous ex knew, deep down, way below her doable dimples, what Tile really wanted (hence, the breakup), next week, we'll be right back on salacious patrol, damn sure.

And it ain't: Tobey Maguire, Keanu Reeves, Jamie Foxx
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One Window-Fogged Blind Vice - March 23, 2005


This one's getting interesting.

Remember Toothy Tile from One Adorable Blind Vice? The sweet movie-star guy who was surreptitiously holding digits with his boyfriend at a West Hollywood restaurant? Well, he's at it again. Only, this time, more than digits are being utilized. At least the ones...never mind.

So, there T2 is with the stud-unit again. In the concrete parking structure of a very popular Hell-Ay shopping enclave. It was dark. Not too many shoppers were around.

Could this be why handsome Tooth (whose legs, I feel, have been vastly undersold, thanks to his mega-charming smile) saw fit to smooch his companion in their car, reclining their seats as far back as Faye Dunaway's forehead. And this kissing scene didn't simply occur in first, my dears. No, Tile brought the all-man, all-body Frenching session right on home, full throttle, all the way to fifth, I'd say.

Damn, that boy's a gusty speed racer.

And it ain't: Leonardo DiCaprio, Ben Affleck, Mark Wahlberg
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One Multimedia Blind Vice - May 26, 2005

OK, my dishin' darlings, Toothy Tile's back for a raunchy round three. Let's see, we've had T.T., a handsome boy, by far, hand-holding at restaurants, snogging his man-love in Hell-Ay's subterranean parking lots...What's next, an Oprah appearance with Toothy declaring his love for the good-lookin' b-f?
Close. Very close.
Word on the homo-connected nut-vine has it that Toothy's been in talks with an Oprah-esque mag (i.e., huge circulation, other media connections like TV networks) about coming out of the closet. Not as gay, but as...bisexual.
This, of course, would help explain T.T.'s past dating experience with lithe female movie stars. But (as is often the case with love) now he can't control the fact that he's in a major butterfly state with a dude (don't you hate it when that happens?).
At least, that's the plan—to be done with a queer writer for added politically correct synergy (some say for guaranteed taste, but I don't trust these reporters, regardless of their sexual orientation).
It'll be most interesting. Particularly when Mr. Tile's big-screen job makes a very sensual, boyish splash at the same time.
And it ain't: Tobey Maguire, Will Smith, Val Kilmer

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One Confused Blind Vice - July 27, 2005


Toothy Tile, the rising young male star who secretly likes boys, is creating quite the media sitch. Not only am I told by same-sex inside sources that Mr. T. is still speaking with media representatives about coming out of the closet (much to the dissatisfaction of T.T.'s ten-percent crowd), but poor T. is feeling a tad...pulled.

He really loves his old g-f. That much is very clear. Nevertheless, T.T. is not breaking up with his (largely unknown) boyfriend, even though Mr. T.--whose dimples nevertheless remain quite dreamy through all this suspenseful tsuris--is not quite sure what, exactly, to do about the ex-girlfriend.

What's a bisexual budding star to do?

Oh, probably what all the rest of 'em do: Stay right in the damn closet.

Care to prove me wrong, Tooth?

And it ain't Josh Duhamel, Josh Lucas, Benjamin McKenzie
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Two Bad Boys Blind Vice - August 11, 2005


Let's see, we've got Studly Seymour goin' down on some chick at the Viceroy in Santa Monica. Does that interest you? A little, you say? Well, it was quite impromptu, nothing planned (like in a bathroom stall or anything). Box-office deliverer S2 and his latest gal--for the moment, I assure you--just wanted to share a scream or 15 in the ballroom, that's all. So what if other folks crashed their sweaty party?

Toothy Tile, on the other orgasmic hand, does mind. Or maybe not? Hmmm.

As any reader of this filthy column knows damn well by now, our boy Tooth--much like Seymour, above--likes taking chances. He does it in the parking garages of Hell-Ay's more bourgeois shopping centers. On restaurant balconies--hell, wherever there's a chance of getting caught.


Just like he did last weekend. Parking lot right off the Strip. T.T. and his b-f (for whom, I'm told, Toothy has considered very heavily coming out of the proverbial media closet) were "hard-core" doing the diddly, say their concerned amigos.

Only problem was, a security cop called the real coppers, who hand-slapped T.T. something good. Alas, somebody's somebody called the head somebody at the police station, and the whole thing got covered up--just like most of the fun stuff does in this ass-greasing enclave.

So, don't expect Mr. T. to bare his bisexual soul anytime soon. I hear his relationship with the same-sex partner is suddenly not quite as gung-ho as it has been for months previous. Toothy got so friggin' scared he's edging back in the closet. And--you guessed it--the opposite-sex ex is soothing Tile's bruised psyche.

Hey, don't sweat it, Tooth. I once did it on the Long Island Railroad with my then beach boy, and the conductor happened by. Oops. Didn't ask for my ticket, funny enough.


AIA: Johnny Depp/David Vartan, Seann William Scott, Johnny Knoxville/Seth Green


Also elimianted for Studly Seymour - Colin Farrell
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One Forced Fagola Blind Vice - Nov 3, 2005


Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're tired of Toothy Tile. But, darlings, the way folks are yappin' lately, this might be one of my last chances to discuss the closeted and increasingly curious conundrums of T2!

Tragic, I know.

Now what you might not realize is that T.T. and his boyfriend have their own share of Jude Law-and-Sadie Frost-style drama. They were on for forevah. Then they broke up. And now, phew, they're on! (And Toothy's public "girlfriend" is fadin' into the background fast.)

But here's the (big) prob: Everyone loves a good drama. And some people couldn't give a Simpson's ass about Nick and Jessica. These folks--all fancy, rich and A-list, mind you--like dishin' on Toothy and his b-f instead. Where have they been having sex in their butch automobiles lately? Jeez. Their li'l relationship is like the cocktail fodder at WeHo's most elite, gay gatherings.

Some het ones, too.

Why, darlings, at all the best Halloween do's, particularly one held by a mucho impressive movie director, it's the only thing folks could blab on about--all the poor Cher impersonators were driven to near tears 'cause no one paid them no damn mind!

Also, big-name big-timers are openly chatting about T2's homo-rrific love life. No whispers required. It's, forgive the pun, out there. Everywhere.

So, if everyone who's anyone is openly talkin' Toothy, can it be long before the rest of America catches up? I for one hope we have a little more time. I'd kinda miss Toothy.

(Hey, Tooth, glad you're back with that man of yours--for good this time? It's sure what he thinks.)

And it ain't Joaquin Phoenix, Scott Speedman, Rob Thomas
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Two To The Limit Blind Vices - November 14, 2005


Toothy Tile and Petunia Pickle-Pop really should start dating.

I mean, it would be a fake get-together, but how many real ones are left in this town? Like Jude Law and Sienna Miller are going to last. Like they got back together because they just feel so right for each other, in the end--current flicks to sell be damned!

So, Toothy and Petunia are pushing the upchuck-and-saliva-covered envelope like you would not believe. Or maybe you would?

Ladies first. Movie-stah Toothy--who's been playing with whether or not to come out the closet for so long now, readers think I'm just makin' this sitch up (I'm not)--recently did a chat show for his latest pic, Casablanca Cuckold. You'll never guess what a network worker bee caught him doing in the privacy of his dressing room before taping...

No, not fornicating (you dirty busybodies), just tonguing his b-f, that's all. And this little love licking spread through the studio faster than a pink-slip distribution list at ABC!


Causing far fewer but much more horrified mouths to gasp at an L.A. recording studio was Petunia's smelly wake. After barging into the classy operation with her screeching wheels, P2 headed straight for the bathroom, which had been oh so thoughtfully set up with scented candles and tasteful towels and such.

After 15 minutes of locking herself in the loo, Petunia emerged, leaving the bathroom looking like something out of Martha Stewart's nightmares. And guess what was left smack in the middle of the restroom--with one tiny towel placed in the middle?

It was a reeking, warm pile of human discard. Puke. All over the floor.

Jeez, whose wake is stinkier these days, drugged-out Pet's or duded-out Tooth's?

And it ain't:  Will Smith and Kimberly Stewart, Wentworth Miller and Ashlee Simpson, Chad Michael Murray and Hilary Duff

Also eliminated for Petunia Pickle-Pop: Kimberly Stewart, Ashlee Simpson, Hilary Duff, Drew Barrymore, Faye Dunaway, Carrie Fisher, Mary Kate Olsen, Mischa Barton, Bijou Phillips
Here is the other PPP Bv from 10/20/05. 
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 Two Tush-Trying Blind Vices - Oct 19, 2006

That Toothy Tile. He just lives to push the fagola envelope, love that about the young acting hunk! (And I know you do, too.)
Now, quite frankly, T2's latest man-on-man moves far outshine his recent movie choices; though, that's an arguable statement at best—I just don't go fer this hetero image Mr. T. is busy trying to push over on his ever loyal, hapless, ticket-buying fans. 
But we'll just leave that li'l bit o' politically incorrect poo-pooing and get straight, as it were, to the attempted wild sex in the back of the limousine, 'kay? Thought you might agree...
Oh, gawd, I am getting old. I'm confusing all these closeted fruits into one big ass-banging aspic! So, sorry. It was Jiggly Wiggle-Poof who pounced—quite stupidly, I might add—on his so-not-gay limo driver while out promoting his supersuccessful boob-tube show in some hick state. And let's just say what went down was not at all what Jiggly had in mind (something bruised, not blushing).
Also, there's hope, I want you all to know, for Mr. Tile's movie career. Dare I say some of his future film projects are looking up, because, uh, how can I put this? T.T. has decided to start sleeping with better-looking people now to get his future projects—is that being too crass about it all?
In other words, for T.T.'s next 40-foot-wide job, Tooth-doll not only seduced the man who would decide the whole-deal shebang (it's sort of a studly adventure story, in so many ways), he now shares cocaine, hotel suites and party favors with the bigwig. Isn't that sweet when one can stay bestest amigos with one's ladder-climbing bed partners?
Warms my jaded-ass heart.
AIA: Danny Bonaduce, Josh Duhamel, Isaiah Washington

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One Kids 'R' Us Blind Vice - January 11, 2007

Congrats are in order! Guess what? I hear our fave hubba-hubba, humpy homo in T-town, Toothy Tile, is seriously considering making things super-
domesticated with his equally homosational b-f. And no, I don't mean the gorgeous closeted (albeit permanently, it seems) actor is getting a new puppy or Cuisinart.
Hear ol' T2 is thinking about helping his man-friend adopt something, uh, more...complex. As in a human (aren't we all?). Meaning, a baby! Too sweet!
I could just cry (since Ellen D. left me on the verge yesterday, ya know) with happiness!
Couldn't all you hard-asses at home weep with me, too?
Yeah, right—wouldn't hurt for you malcontents to soften up a bit, but whatever.
You all going for a boy or a girl, Mr. Tooth?
And if he or she turns out to be gay, like you, and if he or she wants to become a mucho-talented performer, also like you, Daddy Toothy, I declare, I do wonder what advice you'd offer the kiddo? Hmmm. What could it be?
Stay away from the Biz, altogether, I wonder?
AIA: George Clooney, Clay Aiken, John Stamos

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One Pansy Pushing Blind Vice - July 7, 2007


Bulbous Seymour is one fine piece o' man-lovin’ meat. Not a bad actor, either. But Bulbous knows—just like most audiences and H-town execs are aware—that his best talents lie not on the silver screen but in the golden nether regions of B.S.’ impressive bod. Yeah, he’s a stud. And what do studs do best?
Now, before I get too carried away on whatever (or whomever) Bulbous utilizes his heavenly powers for—this Blind Vice ain’t about him. Well, not exactly. See, Mr. Es has been doing what we here at the Awful Truth live for: gossiping about other closeted homosexual movie stars! Too fun for the hard-abbed tum! Delish, darlin's, so let’s get to whom B.S. is blabbin’ ‘bout:

Toothy Tile, natch. You were expecting Gussy 'n' Fussy, perhaps? Like, who cares about those ersatz het jokers anymore? (Not too many folks, I assure ya.) Nah, it’s all about Toothy Tile—and when the hell this gorgeous scaredy-puss is gonna disclose his sexual pref, already—and Bulbous knows this fagola factoid. So much so, he’s been mouthing off at chic Hell-Ay events about just how Toothy isn’t foolin’ anybody.

Well, I beg to differ. Had I been at this one par-tick fancy-schmancy soiree, I would have gladly explained to B.S. that half of Bush’s “Mare-kuh” thinks T.T. is as heterosexual as our current prez. Wait, Bush is straight, isn’t he? Don’t answer that, actually, do not want to go there…

Back to B.S., who’s clearly dying for Toothy’s sexuality to come to the surface so the media will ease off his dubious dame-doin' existence. Uh, word to the unwise wower: Boyfriend, you just keep on gettin’ higher 'n' higher at those swell dos you go to. You’ll be outing Toothy long before anybody like moi would ever dream of doing so.


AIA: Sean Penn, Colin Farrell, Will Smith
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One Special Edition Blind Vice - July 26, 2007


Look, everybody, I was going to tell you all about a certain Morgan Mayhem family member who, just like Morgy, is getting hugely wasted more often than she burps overpriced champagne, but, like, whatever, ya know? No big ser-prize there.

So, instead, due to an overwhelming demand for all things closeted and Toothy Tile, we’re going to round up all recent clues provided for our limited-run special 20 Questions and give ya another fab clue! Ding ding ding! Hot fun for the same-sex tum, huh? Now, keep in mind, for those of you teething for Tooth, we’re not even friggin’ halfway through the 20 queries, but thus far, this is what we’ve previously let out, as it were:

Q: Was he on Dancing with the Stars?
A: No. T2 is a talented thesp who's way above reality TV, trust.

Q: Are Toothy's initials in the first half of the alphabet, or the second? FYI: I'm asking about his real name, not pseudonym, so no tricks please.
A: No.

Q: Is Toothy known to be an animal lover?
A: Uh, yes, but isn’t everybody (or at least pretending to be) in this hairy town?

Q: What happened to Baby Tile? Did Toothy and B-F Tile have the kid, or did they give up on the idea of becoming dads? Are they still together and superdomesticated?
A: Give the nonnuclear fam time, doll-babe.

Q: Is Toothy Tile known to be athletic?
A: That, my dear, depends on your definition of athletic. He can hold his own, how about that?

Q: Is Toothy Tile Isaiah Washington?
A: Wrong bum-lovin’ boy. Think younger, cuter ‘n’ sans snarkiness.

And for all you unleashed types doggin’ for the good-lookin’ dude’s identity, here are two more newbie inquiries to get ya through the weekend. Now, keep the questions burnin’!

Q: Has Toothy Tile ever been nominated for or won a major American award?
A: For Best Kinky Performance in a Parking Lot? Why, yes! By the West Hollywood Sheriff’s voting academy, actually!

Q: Why is Jennifer Aniston the only woman Vince Vaughn has been linked to in the tabloids? Is he Toothy Tile?
A: No. He’s not nearly agile enough. Certainly not for the back-seat seduction game.

And It Ain't: Don Cheadle, Homer Simpson, Carrot Top
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* Toothy Tile = Jake Gyllenhaal

FYI, Here is our full ongoing list of who has been eliminated as Toothy Tile.

Vintage BV - Pixie Mixie

Pixie Mixie is an oildie but goodie. She was assumed to be Nicole Richie, which was basically confirmed through a series of hints from Ted. Recently, Ted has said that Pixie Mixie has made a big transformation. He’s also said the same thing about Nicole Richie. Here are FIVE old Pixie Mixie BVs from 2005-2006. There is also another one from 2007, in which she co-starred with Dorrell Sausage. Check our links on the side of the page for that one. Enjoy!

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June 23 2005 – One Randy Candy Blind Vice

Did somebody mention food? What's that? Something one puts in one's mouth? Yech! Poo! Feh!
Morgan Mayhem sure thinks so. I mean, really. If it's not some body part attached to some sorry-ass man she's currently taking hostage, M2 really has no interest in placing much else in her increasingly bizarrely painted mouth.
Morgan's new bud, Pixie Mixie, knows this too well. In fact, ol' Pix got so tired of telling her broad-unit to eat, like, sustenance, Ms. Mix decided to throw the lecturing out the window (along with her old size-six outfits) and join the too-thin brigade!
Why do they do it? No idea. How do they do it? Ah, more luck there. Read on...
Yep, M.'s up to her ol' very public antics, yet again. You see, Seduce magazine just had a big bash at one of Hell-Ay's hotter clubs. All the more successful fashion victims in town were there, including Pix 'n' Morg, who were so damned thin (despite the high-caloric booze going down their combined gullets) they thought they owned the pretentious place.
Must be why M.M. (with P.M. along for the vicarious ride) had no compunction whatsoever about going into the women's restroom and snorting enough blow to make even Courtney Love blanch. Right there. In the open. In front of other pissy patrons.
Jeez. When I did that crap, I at least closed the bathroom stall. Youths today have no class.

It aint : Nicky Hilton/Nicole Richie, Tara Reid/Nicole Richie, Paris Hilton/Nicole Richie

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June 29 2005 – One High-Flying Blind Vice

Let's see, you want the one about the famous executive-star, Pert Member, who offers up his private jet to closeted homo stars, so they can take their boyfriends out for superprivate humping 37,000 feet up? Well, I've never been asked on board (even though my abs are in pretty damn good shape these days...I just don't get it), so let's stick with something I know of fer sure:
Pixie Mixie is at it again. But since her partner in crime, Morgan Mayhem, is ever more shocked by the quantity of nose-goodies Pix puts up her ever-disappearing nostrils, Ms. Mix is on to her latest victim, Ham Drum.
H.D., in fact, has become so fond of Mixie's bad habits, the boob-tube honey and her quasi-celebrated companion are becoming the talk of the party circuit. Well, make that parties where one can disappear in a club's bathroom stalls for a couple of centuries, and nobody notices. We're not exactly talkin' power teas at Ariana Huffington's Brentwood pad.
Take the latest fabu notoriety hangout happening, where H.D. and P.M not only showed up skeletal-thin, they wore tees proclaiming how very much they adored their bod-thinning drug of choice.
Eva Longoria, I blame this on you. Ever since you wore that shirt proclaiming your willingness to have Brad Pitt's babies, well, celebrity manners have just gone irreversibly downhill.

And it ain't Donald Trump/MaryKate Olsen, Steve Jobs/Paris Hilton, Dr. Phil/Ashley Olsen

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August 24 2005 – One Stalled Blind Vice

Something's repeating itself (or herself, rather) in Beverly Hills.
Pixie Mixie is at it again. At a posh opening of an even more posh clothing store (Bev. H. doesn't seem to have room for that Frank Gehry-designed homeless shelter, don't know why), all the red-carpet lovelies were out, including P.M. and her supersvelte set.
Okay, let's get real. Lots of these gals ain't stayin' stick-like by avoiding flour and sugar. They're candy-nosed outta their designer-clad gourds, got it? So, next time you read about Ms. Pixie telling some insipid trend rag that she keeps thin via yoga and granola, head to the nearest stall and barf for me, 'kay?
Besides, that's precisely where you might find Pi-doll, as she was (as usual) at the gala gathering. But get this: As Pixie sniffed and sniffed louder than a bovine with influenza, a journalist for a TV network walked in the ladies' room.
"Is anybody there?" called out a paranoid and suddenly nasal-silent P.M.
"No, nobody!" yelled the crafty reporter.
Pixie then walked out of the toilet area (without flushing, how odd), not exactly knowing what to do. She wiped her nose and left. The journo took note (and how!), so watch where you snort next, Ms. Two-by-Four.

And it aint: Paris Hilton, Nicky Hilton, Kathy Hilton

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March 23 2006 – One Slurplicious Blind Vice

Hey, you raunchy-ass readers, have you missed our nose-candy-lovin' party-doll, Pixie Mixie?
Me, too, kittens. And, apparently, there's a little something that Pixie herself has been yearning for: Sapphic tongue-tangling.
So, she indulged recently--and how. Yay for Pixie! Yay for us!
'Twas a chillin' night at a palatial pad belonging to one of Pixie's many fake friends. Just a few chicks gathered around the glass table, snorting and gossing--alas, not playing much mah-jongg, as these babes are way too young and tirelessly cool for that.
Suddenly, assorted rail-thinistas looked across the room and saw P.M. making out, "hard-core, tongues heavy," with a gal-pal, so blurted one of the babes who hasn't eaten since Cher had her real body parts. Too hot.
Perhaps our daring dahling has grown tired of boys? Heaven knows she ain't had the greatest year in the man-love department. Or maybe there was some magical potion in the blow she was vacuuming up her delicate nose?
In any case, my dilated eyewitness has run around with Pixie and her pals for a long-ass time, and she offered her interpretation: "I don't think she was just screwing around. I think she's gay and repressing it."
Oh, Pixie-doll, haven't you seen Brokeback Mountain? Don't you know what all that pretending will do to a girl's complexion/career?

And It Ain't: Ashley Olsen, Jamie Lynn Sigler, Jessica Simpson

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April 13 2006 – One Horsing Around Blind Vice

Pixie Mixie, your life is becoming more and more like a serialized British comedy that would be far too raunchy and ribald for American audiences. We here in the land of the fruity and the free don't tend to condone racial slurs and messy heroin stains. Try Great Brit, Pix--that's where they use nefarious humor and the C-word like I do overdone adjectives!
Alas, Pixie is certainly very American. So, she should know better. Or maybe she does, and she just doesn't care; who the eff knows with this broad.
'Kay. Let's get ugly, shall we?
It was at a glitzy party in an even glitzier city that Pixie Mixie was relaxing at a table with some of her snootiest, closest friends. Thrilled to see the famous mini-goddess in person, a humble young man approached. He smiled broadly, in a winky way. "I am a star-fucker, and you are a star," he bravely--and totally cojones-equipped--blurted. "See where this is going?"
But Pixie wasn't in the mood to joke around. "Ewww!" she railed, loud enuff for everyone within several feet to hear. "Get this [racial epithet] away from me!"
So racist! So bossy! Her tablemates looked around, all horrified.
Naturally, the fawning fellow fled across the room. Feeling guilty, he sent over an olive branch (the kind Matt Lauer might send to Tom Cruise, say): a plate of French fries and a gravy boat. But Pixie didn't so much as touch the damn food. Instead, she bolted.
Later in the evening, Pix was back on the scene at a party nearby. Important denizens noticed that something was different about her. A sudden haircut? A new shade of rouge?
Nope. It was the mustache she had suddenly grown. Not the kind that can be staved off with a little electrolysis at Elizabeth Arden. Nope. Pixie's stache was made of powder. No, not Kate Moss white; this stache was yellow and brown. Yep, heroin lip.
Oh, Pixie, really? Well, there is something redeeming in all this. Maybe glamour girlfriend only gets racist when she's all smacked out.
See, I knew we'd end on a positive note!

And it ain't Brittany Murphy, Lindsay Lohan, Whitney Houston

....................................................................................................................................................

Pixie Mixie = Nicole Richie.

Morgan Mayhem = Lindsay Lohan.

Pert Member = ?

Ham Drum = ?

Ted's letter to Morgan Mayhem

Yesterday, Ted and the Awful Team wrote this...

An Open Letter to Morgan Mayhem

Dear Morgan,

It's your dear pals here at Team Awful, and we think you'd better listen up to what we have to type.

What the s--t is wrong with you? Are you so high you think news of your latest antics doesn't travel back to gossip bloggers in Los Angeles? Think again. We've heard all about the ridiculous crap you're still pulling while out clubbing, and it's getting pathetic.

We're not even bothering to make you a Blind Vice for the week; you aren't good enough for that anymore. Really, we are thisclose to just straight outing you right here in the blog thanks to your highly visible, most recent drug stunt...

I mean, come, on: doing meth (again) in front of everyone at a recent party, having a freak-out moment and totally losing it while everyone watched and, yes, judged you.

And the pathetically funny thing is: Your pals who you think are right there with ya are the ones worried for your life. Us, too. Girlfriend, you used to have the potential to be a big player in the H'wood game, but right now you should worry less about your failing career and more about how you plan to stay friggin' breathing. At this rate, it isn't going to be for that much longer.

It's not even fun anymore to chronicle your sad pleas for attention. Would outing you once and for all be what it takes for your remarkably still-gorgeous ass to actually get help? We're considering it. Surely a rehab stint would follow, but maybe this time it would stick since the world would know you're into the painfully hard stuff, not just coke and booze anymore.

Figure it out, or we will for you.

XO,
Team Awful

Hmmm not surprising. Except for the part about her being "remarkable still gorgeous". Really? BTW, we know that Morgan Mayhem is Lindsay Lohan, for anyone not paying attention to Ted's blind vices over the past couple of years. See our labels on the right side of the screen to read more about LiLo's antics.

Blind Vice: Morgan Mayhem Strikes Again!

Ted today... another Lindsay Lohan BV...

Blind Vice: Morgan Mayhem Strikes Again!

Most featured Blind Vice babes just guest star in this blolumn, but Morgan Mayhem's practically a series regular here at the Awful Truth. Truthfully, she should be happy for the work, especially since she's favored her drama and drug addiction over any semblance of a once spot-on career.
We're almost falling asleep at Morg's predictable downward spiral, and it looks like she's bored, too—she's looking for a change.
Not in lifestyle, like sobering up finally and screwing her head on right, but in drug choice. M2's party days of dipping her nose in the white stuff just don't thrill anymore, which may be why she turned to meth (Wonder if she and Emma Uh-Oh ever hung out in the same crystal-abusing circles?). Morgy got bored with that, too, and has moved onto something entirely new to stick in her bod.
And it's deadlier than blow or meth, if you can believe it:
If Michael Jackson's death can be used as a cautionary tale, Morgan Mayhem's new fave things, prescription drugs, are the most dangerous things to abuse. Why? Well, (a) they're easy to get and keep getting, as long as you get that first prescription, and (b) abusers don't exactly consider themselves to be abusing drugs in the naughty sense of the D-word, since they got 'em straight from a doctor. A medical "professional" gave them to me, so it must be OK! Right?
So wrong. Morg's constantly up on Adderall, among other happy pills. Some wouldn't be surprised that the unfocused honey's got ADD, but this is strictly for recreational use as opposed to anything M2 actually needs—gives her a much-mellower high as opposed to an anxious tick like blow, and she can actually get some work done! Girl can actually fake being sober a lot better than she could before, which only encourages her to keep pill-popping like mad. But deep down she must know something's not right, since she still tries to hide her habit from everyone around her.
But she's not always successful: M2 was just caught red-handed with the script stuff by her dearest friends—the paparazzi. Spilled all over the sidewalk, reds, blues and purples falling out of her purse, M-hon scrambling to pick them all up. She begged her photo friends to erase the pics, which they did—and they would, if they wanted Ms. Mayhem to keep calling them whenever she goes out on the town.
So can't anyone help poor Morgan? Anyone?
And it ain't: Kristen Stewart, Hayden Panettiere, Mischa Barton

* Links to previous Morgan Mayhem BVs:
Vintage Morgan BVs
One Air-Sick Blind Vice

One Drugged Starlet BV

Drugged Starlet Blind Vice

It's Blind Vice Friday! New from Ted Dec 5:

Drugged Starlet Blind Vice
There's a relentlessly infamous, many-talented star whose love life has been pretty notorious as of late. And for this reason alone, folks seem to have lost sense of the woman's far more dangerous goings-on: her drug intake. It's huge.
And like many reformed sisters in this chemically enhanced town, our mystery gal has tried to go cold turkey many times before. Never took, of course, even though she screamed to any tabloid that would listen that it did. Is it any wonder, then, that...
Morgan Mayhem is back in action, having advanced from the plain-Jane proclivities of booze and dope and coke? Yep, don't you know it, Morgan's right back where any addict goes, straight down: to smoking crystal meth.
Yikes.
M.M.'s beyond paranoid these days, too (at clubs, online, at events, never at a gig, natch, as the bitch is hardly working anymore), as is a common effect from crystal use. Her bodyguards know the drill, too, as they work double and triple shifts to make sure us commoners don't approach the strung-out babe in public, 'cause they know folks will know the drill once they have an interaction with her.
Too late. Morgan went off on some babes, including some who just happen to dish regularly at the Awful Truth. Bitch couldn't have been more methed out if she was playing Amy Winehouse in some kind of bad Lifetime job.
By the by, a psych teacher who used to work at a cushy, beachy drying-out tank teaches at LMU now. She was doing a whole segment about drugs and how they affect you, etc. She showed a picture of Morgan as an example of physical effects from using meth.
Now that's infamous. Not to mention pathetic, in the most academic sense of the word.
And it ain't: Ashley Olsen, Whitney Houston, Courtney Love

We know from past Morgan Mayhem blinds that this is Lindsay Lohan. Our past posts on these are here and here. Feel free to comment!

One Air-Sick Blind Vice

New BV from Ted - Morgan Mayhem returns. We have been familiar with Morgan Mayhem for a few years now... after numerous past BV's we know she is Lindsay Lohan.

Lead-ins

Carzy-Like
Hip-hip ho-ray, Morgan Mayhem's returned for a weird-ass Blind Vice, and she's nuttier than merde!

It's a Bird! It's a Plane! It's Outrageous!
Morgan Mayhem's polluted thinking in today's Blind Vice installment is so out there, she actually makes pink-wigged Spears seem like a pretty together chick. When is somebody gonna save poor M2's soul? Uh, is never good for you?

One Air-Sick Blind Vice

Morgan Mayhem is up to her old tricks. Well, I guess they can't really be considered old if she never stopped doing them?
Ms. May has a load of talents, but her best (and most often used) one is alienating her amigos. One of the buds she's burned as of late is the brother of one of her former flames, Dare to Do Me, the cute eye candy from a band still pretty popular on the charts. M2 is still psycho for the rocker she's shared several rendezvous romps with in the past, but D.D.'s moved on to focus on his music, good boy. Morg still keeps Dare's bro around, prolly as a resource if the fella ever wants to play with this par-tick groupie again.
Morgy is prone to wrestling up some wacky stuff to put her so-called friends through. She'll call the dreamy Do Me's brother up on a random weekday, claming she just bought them both plane tickets to Europe for that very day. If that wasn't spontaneous and silly enough, Do Me 2 will pick May-babe up and drive her to the airport, only to find out there's no ticket for him. Girl just straight up lies. Can you imagine that in Los Angeles? Oh, you shouldn't treat pals like that, M2, especially when they're related to amours you may want to snag back once you're finished with your current, more curious, conquests.
But listen up: Maybe it's not all drugs, dudes and rock 'n' roll with Mayhem, after all. Close buds swears Morgan's got a bona fide mental disorder that would explain her notorious behavior. It ain't chemicals or drink that's driving this doll up the walls—just like Britney's problemos were more brain-centered than everyone first thought. For real: Morgan insists there exists, somewhere in ultraluxurious, née looney, la-la land, a special private jet that takes celebs from L.A. to London in one hour. Swears.
Jeez, why isn't somebody helping this broad? She's screaming for aid, really. Nobody's listening.
And it ain't: Courtney Love, Drew Barrymore, Scarlett Johansson

We have posted some of the old vintage Morgan Mayhem BV's are in the post below. She is most definitely Lindsay Lohan. We will just have to figure out who Dare to Do Me is. Anyone know?

Vintage Ted - Morgan Mayhem

Here are the previous Morgan Mayhem Blind Vices:

July 2006 - One Overly Caring Blind Vice

We all know bod-goons are paid to protect the overly watched frames of the celebs who employ them. Most times, these bossy gorillas are très busy trying to keep pesky paps away or simply shooing starstruck autograph seekers. Occasionally, these walking barricades even help carry celebs' purses or pups. Too cute!

Not this, though: The security staff utilized by one Morgan Mayhem (a repeat offender in the naughty narrative known as the Blind Vice archive) is far more, uh, hands-on. See, Morg's men protect way more than her bitchin' bod. They also keep more than a hawklike eye on her damn drug stash.

Picture it: a swanky Hollywood hotel, known for its crazy parties and late-night flings. A very nearly has-been actor is escorting two lovely ladies to a friend's room upstairs. Said gray-haired type accidentally happens into the wrong suite at a very inopportune time. Morgan is alone in the room, 'cept for her coke stash and bodyguards.

And one particularly helpful guard is choppin' up lines for Miz M. Now, that's stellar service!

And even though M2 was gettin' blown all alone, she ain't happy about the company. Has-been actor offers a hello. "Who are they?" demands M., who's known to hate pretty gals who dare get anywhere near her sleep-deprived vicinity. "This is my room, and my coke!" bitches Morgan. "Get out."

Geez, Morg. Didn't anyone teach you to share?

And heaven knows it wouldn't hurt you (or your nose) to cut back.

And it ain't Mischa Barton, Whitney Houston, Nicky Hilton

October 2006 - One Unsisterly Blind Vice

Morgan Mayhem, consider yourself warned!
Gal-friend, those unpredictable ways have gotten you into trouble in myriad areas of your life, but now it seems your social-butterfly status is in serious jeopardy, too. Hid-eee-us, I know. See, there's this über-exclusive boîte of fabulousness here in Tinseltown that certain celebs consider their personal playground. The door at said joint is tighter than Nicole Kidman's forehead and has turned away highly celebrated, professional partiers without batting a stoic eye.

But not Morg, of course. She's nevah had a problem getting into exclusive places. Also, there's always packs of paps following Morg who are bound to snap her leaving such swanky locales. So, owners are usually happy to have M2 hangin' out.

But the owner of the former spot ain't so thrilled anymore. First off, he's already received wrist slaps and warnings from police for allowing other questionable antics to go down, as it were, at his establishment (which really should look a bit more fab considering the loot this guy poured into it). And secondly, Morg's not just hittin' the snowy slopes anymore. She's got a newer, dirtier drug of choice. And it's becoming painfully obvious.

"She's behaving like a monster," says one of my super-inside (and relatively sober) sources. Not only does M.M. pick fights with other patrons, sashay out of stalls with her sniffer covered in powder and even pass out in them, now she's takin' to doin' the girl-on-girl thang not so discreetly in these dark hangs!

Love the last sin, which, natch, ain't, but I'll just go along with my republican detractors for a sec and pretend like is it, 'kay?

Oh, girl, for gawd's sake, get it together! Your career, sex appeal and hetero status (big whoop!) are going down the toilet as we type.

And it ain't: Hilary Swank, Gina Gershon, Queen Latifah

May 2006 - One Employee of the Month Blind Vice

Once upon a time, there was a talented young lass by the name of Morgan Mayhem. Oh, could she act! She was such a good performer that bitchy rivals simmered with green-eyed jealousy. But one day, a big bad she-wolf in Kitson duds named Coco Cocaine came along. She seduced Morgan with her overly vibrant, come-hither eyes--prettier than Wentworth Miller's, even--and then, suddenly, the big fat studio pigs were very, very sad.

Okay, hold on. This is Hell-Ay; the pigs aren't heartbroken exactly. They're just plain disgusted and scared for their precious beaucoup-bucks accounts.

Darlings, Ms. Mayhem has become the hottest li'l liability in Tinseltown.

"Studios were all but in love with her," blabs one über-connected Armani clad producer. "But she's so unstable that everyone's becoming afraid to hire her. Her behavior on the set of Jump, Jive and High Five! is still talked about. She was beyond "distracted," for myriad reasons. At this point, Armani wearer makes air quotes with his hands and rolls his eyes, sucking back the rest of an overpriced designer something or other. "And we all know what that means."
Queen LatifahParis HiltonKeira Knightley

Oy, oy, boy. I wish there were something I could do to help ol' Morgan out. The problem is that she's about as solid and reliable as a sponge. Stick her with serious, stable, Oscar-hoarding types, and she'll transform into a Jodie Foster. But plop this babe in a Bel-Air frat-house crowd and, well, she'll be first in line for body shots.

The solution is obvious. Ya stick the sponge in the desert and let it dry out.

'Course, first, you'd have to convince her to go. Not an easy task.

June 2005 - One Randy Candy Blind Vice

Did somebody mention food? What's that? Something one puts in one's mouth? Yech! Poo! Feh!

Morgan Mayhem sure thinks so. I mean, really. If it's not some body part attached to some sorry-ass man she's currently taking hostage, M2 really has no interest in placing much else in her increasingly bizarrely painted mouth.

Morgan's new bud, Pixie Mixie, knows this too well. In fact, ol' Pix got so tired of telling her broad-unit to eat, like, sustenance, Ms. Mix decided to throw the lecturing out the window (along with her old size-six outfits) and join the too-thin brigade!

Why do they do it? No idea. How do they do it? Ah, more luck there. Read on...

Yep, M.'s up to her ol' very public antics, yet again. You see, Seduce magazine just had a big bash at one of Hell-Ay's hotter clubs. All the more successful fashion victims in town were there, including Pix 'n' Morg, who were so damned thin (despite the high-caloric booze going down their combined gullets) they thought they owned the pretentious place.

Must be why M.M. (with P.M. along for the vicarious ride) had no compunction whatsoever about going into the women's restroom and snorting enough blow to make even Courtney Love blanch. Right there. In the open. In front of other pissy patrons.

Jeez. When I did that crap, I at least closed the bathroom stall. Youths today have no class.

And it ain't: Nicky Hilton, Paris Hilton, Tara Reid. (Pixie Mixie is Nicole Richie).

May 2005 - One Disappearing Blind Vice

Sex, sex, sex. Is that all we mortals think about?

Well, I'm single (dating eternally), and, I answer oui to the above. But, then there's my bestest girlfriend, hitched for over a decade. Ditto on the doing-it brain. Or take my gray, gruff editor (straight), who's also married and doing the white-picket fence thang. He, too, thinks of little else. Or, so it would seem from his dribbling mouth after he edits these damn Vices.

Take a breather this week, bossman, this one's about a gal who prefers to sniff, not suck, her candy.

Morgan Mayhem is the doll. Such a cutie-tamootie, she's got charm pouring out of her sweet little dimples--not to mention that great ass of hers. Unfortunately, M.'s well-photographed behind is oddly altered as of late.

Surgery? Or just a high-colonic and new cheek-bones sucked and inserted at one of those posh 'n' creepy Bev Hills "hospitals?" Regardless, M2 has taken upon herself to use this time to remove her booby implants. Sorta like getting a new haircut when one gets a face-lift, right? Not that I would know, just what I've heard, 'course.

Oh, crap, I hate it when these perfectly lovely babes start playing mix 'n' match with the bod-parts--so boring. I mean, come on, it's almost as predictable as getting hooked on drugs (really boring), 'cause everybody can see what's on the horizon for chicks who start doing the surgery thang too much: lifetime movies with the likes of Faye Dunaway, right? Isn't that where you go when you start playing doc too much with your bod?

Besides, I thought M.M. had a much more mattress-worthy figure before she began altering it so.

Who cares how many dudes she was doing (she didn't). It was the ol' vicarious va-va-voom ride just watching M. strut her sex-ay stuff--especially with hunky regular beau Burr Ito.

But then again, this item isn't about sex, so never mind.

And it ain't: Nicole Ritchie, Nicky Hilton, Lara Flynn Boyle