Blind Vice: Jerry Rock-Butt's Bitter Heart!

Happy new year!  We are getting caught up on the first week of the new year.  So much gossip already -  Divorces, engagements, and pregnancies!  We'll be covering all of it... let's start with Justin Timberlake shall we?  Here's Ted's latest Blind Vice, from today in Awful Truth.

Blind Vice: Jerry Rock-Butt's Bitter Heart!

Über-talented and fab Jerry Rock-Butt is publicly known for being a superstar, but privately, he's known for his super moods. Most recently? Even though Jerry's life is currently all roses—professionally and romantically—those who know Mr. Rock-Butt most personally are fully aware that he's been a bit down, as of late.
Pray tell, why?
Because as he gets closer and closer to sealing the deal with his current girlfriend, only the stud's best pals know that Jerry's true heart still lies with a super hot ex girlfriend Jer came very close to marrying.


Back when Jerry and this curvy gal were a hotter-than-hot couple, Jerry's mama was incensed that her baby boy was hooking up with an older chick who wasn't so far in age from her own!
Well, maybe incensed is too strong of a word to use at first, but it sure as hell wasn't once the ex and Jer started talking marriage! Mama Rock-Butt practically hit the roof! It was only a matter of time, then, before Jerry and this more voluptuous GF of his not only stopped talking marriage, but they broke up altogether.
And the mama's boy has seriously missed his old flame ever since, particularly now that he's on the verge of marrying blah GF Chutney Jones, who when compared to the vibrant, always-horny lover from his past, gets blown right outta the water. Babes are beyond different.
And nobody knows this more than Jerry, who fears he may have lost the love of his life.
Everybody can cry now, if they want, but I say this is just karma for letting your mommy arrange your love life.
And It Ain't: Justin Theroux, Mark Walhberg, Matthew Morrison

Please refer to the label below for a link to our posts on the previous JRB and CJ BVs, including a full list of who has been eliminated.

Top suspects: still Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel

(older ex-girlfriend: NOT Britney Spears. Top suspect = Cameron Diaz)

Lainey- How much does she know?

New from Lainey

How Much Does She Know?

She's not with her boyfriend anymore and we're to believe it ended amicably and for her sake, I hope so, but i'm not sure she would deal well with the fact that just a couple of weeks before their split was officially confirmed, he was on the road with someone else in his hotel room. The girl had the build he's known to prefer- lean and muscular- and she answered the door wearing nothing but her underwear and her hands covering her breasts. Seemed very young.
Didn't seem uncomfortable and, you know, did what she told and was supposed to do while he lay in bed, naked, kinda ignoring her. She meanwhile kept walking around without her top on, like it was totally normal. And apparently it wasn't the first time. All the time. For a long time. Which, for some reason, was a surprise to no one but his girlfriend, now ex, who never, ever, ever learns. Kinda like her successor, from another relationship, and why can't we give these girls some better love vision???

Top suspect: Cameron Diaz, Alex Rodriguez

One Black Boys are Delicious Blind Vice

New from the Awful Truth today...

One Black Boys are Delicious Blind Vice

Prius Crotch-Catch is so famous, so gorgeous, so down with everything cool
in T-town: from always dating the hippest dude, to starring in the latest hit.
She’s also politically aware! And she’s so full of enviable girl power, so pure!
Surely she doesn’t snort evil drugs or sleep around! Everyone loves and wants to
be Prius! Oh, and even though PC-C’s fallen in love from time to time, lately,
she’s been on her own—but now appears to be settling sweetly down again.
Everyone’s breathing a sigh of belated relief. So fab that Prius has met her
latest BF, a fine and steady dude who knows nothing of his girl’s immediate and
shocking past, which includes:
Many, many cocaine-powered nights of hot, endless and very loud sex that white chick Prius just stopped having with Wally Wallup, an African-American dude who’s as studly as he is rich and infamous. No one knew Prius and Wally were dating—and they liked it that way, too, as they
were wholly hooking up just for the wild nooky. Jeez, thought it was just the
gays who went for the meaningless, sweaty hot sex, but what the ef do I know?
Just that the hipster hotel where Wallup and Crotch-Catch always did it became
even more infamous than it already is when the gorgeous twosome’s screams,
snorts and clandestine meetings became so...well, vocal. Indeed, Mr. Wallup had
to start posting his bodyguards outside their suite doors just to keep folks
from breaking in and calling 911, or joining in, take your pick.
Doesn’t matter anymore, as Prius C-C only has eyes for her just-snagged,
far-less-athletic nooky partner. Won’t last. Uh-uh, no friggin’ wild-sex-starved
way. Mark my snoopy (and wise) words.
And It Aint: Rachel McAdams, Scarlett Johansson, Hayden Panettiere

Update 3/5/09 - Ted has also eliminated Lucy Liu, Carrie Underwood, Sienna Miller, Jennifer Aniston, Hilary Duff, Megan Fox, Paris Hilton with P-Diddy (but close on this pair)., Natalie Portman, Nick Cannon.

* Our top guess: Cameron Diaz and ?.

One Fagola-Addled Blind Vice

Ted's lastest BV...

Oh, sex and drugs and rock ‘n’ roll, what else is new in T-town, right? Just homosexual sex, drugs and rock ‘n’ roll, that’s what. (Like this is a news flash, but hey, I’m just the goss messenger here, ‘kay?) Sally Sedate Me has hooked up with her latest man. You saw that, didn’tcha? Yep, sure ya did. This latest guy is simply divine, so delish, much more so than the last loser the sweetie star hung out with. Indeed, fans are so relieved SSM has found herself a he-man worthy of her luscious locks, winning smile and utterly adorable personality. It’s a tabloid team made in heaven! Why? Well, because New Guy’s also got a killer grin, a fab sense of humor, a total do-me coif and—best of all—absolutely no desire whatsoever to make love to Sally, just like she likes it. See, Sally-Sweets lives for getting high, not orgasmic. But she likes the company, and she knows her career will suffer if she’s seen manless for too long. And New Guy, ‘course, wouldn’t even have a job if his homo ways were known. Or so he thinks. Sally really should get over her habit, already. Doesn’t she see it’s what’s marginalizing her career, not her male companionship (or lack thereof)? It’s a good flick that’s hard to find, not a fella or a fix.

And it ain't - Alicia Keys, Reese Witherspoon, Beyonce Knowles

[Here is what I am thinking. My first thought was what I just read in Ted's column was of Mena Suvari and her new man Simone Sestito. I don't know anything about this guy, but his name isn't particularly manly, is it? Anyway, I am also thinking about Jessica Simpson. Is Tony Romo gay?! I am also thinking of Kirsten Dunst for this person, she is rumored to be an IV drug abuser and has dated our fave closeted one Toothy/Jake. But who is Kirsten dating now, if anyone? There are also rumors that Jennifer Aniston is dating Jason Lewis, and even speculation that she is pregnant. Could be them!]

* Ted has also eliminated: Penelope Cruz/Javier Bardem, Jessica Simpson/Tony Romo, Carrie Underwood/Chace Crawford, Matthew McConaughey/Kate Hudson, Rachel Bilson

* * Update 12/22/08: Our top suspect WAS Jennifer Aniston for this, however Ted has revealed that J.A. has never been in a Blind Vice of his.

*** New top suspects: Sally Sedate Me - Cameron Diaz; New Guy - Bradley Cooper