Blind Vice: Sloppy Sluts Unite!

This BV was new from Ted on Tues Aug 2 - old characters...

Blind Vice: Sloppy Sluts Unite!

I guess Slurpa Pop-Off and Morgan Mayhem didn't get the memo. Tooling around Hollywood in outrageously expensive wheels while enjoying low-rent screws and buckets of cocaine is just so, well, 2006.
Girls, can't you hip it up better than that?
Guess not. And it's getting worse: Morgan and Slurpa, who both used to be two of the most successful young businesswomen in Hollywood (no joke) have seen their earnings reports...well, they aren't exactly sky-rocketing lately.
Which is a shame, because both these gals were the original crafty chick—in every way. Now, they can't even get invited to a decent Hollywood party.
So, what are two former It girls supposed to do? Band together, that's what!
Slurpa and Morgs—totally high—are now crashing A-list parties together, tripping, falling, purses opening and spilling everywhere. It's pretty sad.
"They think they're so funny," lamented one horrified guest at a Hollywood Hills bash the two girls invited themselves to recently. "But it's just pathetic. People didn't even recognize them at first. And then, it's like, once you realize who they are, please."
As one of the shocked onlookers said, "Even Nicole Richie cleaned up her act, come on!"
But reform has always been a dirty word to Morgs and Slurp. Which, actually, is part of their charm. The problem being, however, is that the naughty chemicals are starting to run the show for Pop-Off and Mayhem—like they did with Charlie Sheen. And it's boring as crap.
Not to mention as dangerous as Amy Winehouse's situation.
And It Ain't: Mary-Kate Olsen and Kate Hudson, Olivia Munn and Tila Tequila, Kathy Griffin and Joan Rivers

Please refer to the labels below for links to the many previous Slurpa Pop-Off and Morgan Mayhem BVs.

Top suspects:
Slurpa Pop-Off = Paris Hilton
 Morgan Mayhem = Lindsay Lohan

Vintage BV - Apple Marvini

Digging more up...

One Pooftah Putz Blind Vice - March 29, 2007

Yeah, well, Slurpa Pop-Off's hair extensions were just falling out the other night at a fancy-ass party—I'm so riveted by that one, aren't you all, my jaded nelly-jellies? Really, I am.
Nevertheless, I'm going to go with a new member of the Blind Vice family—though, I must say, what earns her a mention in these asshole annals of abhorrent Hell-Ay behavior among the rich and stupid, is, well, utterly stupidola (and nothing new)! Read on:
Apple Marvini has it all (and I mean all). She's loaded as s--t. She's fairly well dressed, still got a decent bod. She gives regularly to charity, she's not without talent and she's newly searching for a legalized mattress mate—such fun when money's no object, n'est-ce pas? But perhaps that's just the prob.
The only guys A.M. seems to attract (including her most promising current prospect for a union) are those who are also into the majorly moneyed habits, not so much activities involving multiple climaxes and cleaning up the sheets afterward.
Yes, like many a less well-off gal throughout the nation, Ms. Em has found herself hankering for a dude who cares more about having his undies starched than dirtying up hers. Why do women do this, time after time? Granted, making the help cry can be sickly fascinating (A. and her "man" do this equally adeptly), but isn't holding the one you love—and lust for—till the sun comes up worth anything?
Not to A.M., apparently. As she has, after all, made it quite clear she's not overly fond of what that cuddling (and accompanying commotion) produced with her last man.

And it Ain't: Martha Stewart, Oprah Winfrey, Kate Hudson 

Apple Marvini:
Also eliminated: no one
Top suspect: Candy Spelling, Reese Witherspoon, Blythe Danner

Vintage BV - Slurpa Pop-Off

Digging up more of Ted's old Blind Vices. Slurpa Pop-Off has been featured in a few blind items on our blog in the past. She is suspected and hinted to be Paris Hilton. Remember the dog abuse? Check our links on the right side of the screen for a few SPO BVs from 2007-2008. Here, we dug up two vintage SPO BVs from 2006. Have fun!

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July 2, 2006 - One Girlie Galore Blind Vice

Okay, all you hell-raising heathens, tongue-dripping turnabout is more than fair play. Last week, we covered the taboo private-parts doings on the dude side, this time round, we're tackling what the gals are up to, naughty-time-wise. Or one very, very famous sweetie-poop, that is.
Slurpa Pop-Off is quite beautiful--and big-time tush-shakin', too. She also has a penchant for bedding every stud in the Western Hemisphere on whom she lays her pretty little beady eyes--always successfully, I should inform you goss-babes.
But here's the kicker in the squishy parts: S.P.O. is, ironically enough, only so-so interested, as far as the guys go. It's just for press.
In other words, what makes Ms. Pop-Off see stars and have the kind of orgasms Angelina Jolie, Meg Ryan and Helen Gurley Brown all made famous are other girls--specifically honeys who, as Madonna likes to say, prefer to dine in.
Get me, babycakes? I'm certain you do if you've been the least bit of a Sex and the City student. And get this: In one of those impossibly trendy little clubs at which Ms. P.O. likes to boogie down, Slurpa hit the ladies' room, as she is wont to do. But not to relieve herself!
Nope. Instead, in one of those ridiculously peekable stalls, S.P.O. got a blow on, while another gal in the same toilet compartment blew Slurpa.
How do I know this? Slurpa, totally sloshed, per usual, actually forgot to close the stall door. And just as Ms. Pop-Off was screaming to the endorphin-bestowing goddess inside herself, someone else walked in the damn bathroom.
Slurpa, total slut pro she be, just kept right on--at high volume, too. Oh, my. Think even I'm getting a little excited.

it's not: Kim Stewart, Rose McGowan, Cameron Diaz

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October 26, 2006 - One Masterfully Manipulative Blind Vice

Slurpa Pop-Off, you're such the hustlin' hussy! I dare say, I think this twisted gal gets off on stealing other people's men and watching them suffer. Sick, ain't it? (Yet so Hollywood—yech!) Get a load of Slurpa's latest little pork-and-run plans:
Slurpa recently had an altercation, of sorts, with a gal whose former guy Slurpa is currently suckin' face with all over town. Then, this past weekend, S.P.O. flew her Hell-Ay coop for a little fun 'n' sun away from home in another city known for its, uh, devilish diversions.
And come Monday, after Slurp's supposedly wild weekend, pics were everywhere of her getting down and dirty with not one, but two questionably doable dudes. Looks like the media fell for her photo-op spit-swap sessions hook, line and deadline-prone sinker.
'Cause it turns out Pop-Off's canoodling for the cameras was planned and pretend. Why's that? Well, to distract from the drama surrounding her and her reported latest amigo, evidently. Are ya with me? Doesn't matter, we're almost to the end here.
A bathroom birdie in said city of delightful diversion overheard Slurpa yakking on her phone that she'd temporarily kicked her b-f to the curb 'cause he was too much trouble, but she might just take him back when he rekindles things with his former flame.
Girlfriend, you are cold. In more ways than one, I hear...

And It Ain't: Kimora Lee Simmons, Nicole Richie, Eva Longoria

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Slurpa Pop-Off = Paris Hilton.

Here is the link to the January 2008 Slurpa Pop-Off BV.  Check out or labels for more Paris Hilton related BVs.

One Headline-Hereditary Blind Vice

New BV from Ted...

Lead-ins

Packin' the Heat
Salacious sibling rivalry hits our weekly Blind Vice with newbie Pork-Me Pop-Off poised to overtake (via sex, natch) his sister's headlines.

Family Chatters

What's a poor, relatively unnoticed rich-ass T-town bro to do when his sensational sis grabs all the attention? Well, Pork-Me Pop-Off chooses a tried but true approach: sleeping with shocking bed partners (not to us, mind you)!

One Headline-Hereditary Blind Vice

Pork-Me Pop-Off, a veritable newbie to the barracuda-infested world of boldface names and gossip slinging, is poised to overtake his more famous sibling, Slurpa, an expert at infamy and clandestine canoodling. Only Pork-Me doesn’t really realize the dubious media powers he holds, how naïve...how very sweet!
See, Pork-Me, has had his troubles, too, just like Slurpa. He loves to be bad and lives to be loved, having never really been truly adored. And of course, it’s P.M.’s bad-boy ways that have begun to scratch and gnaw at Ms. Pop-Off’s notoriety, which she holds dearer than anyone or anything. This is not a joke in the least.
But Slurpa has just laughed laughed laughed at her sibling’s arguably pathetic attempts at upstaging her in the real-life episodes of Offspring Gone Wild, T-town’s regular chronicling of who’s acting up the best (and the most expensively). I’ll tell ya this much, though: She ain't gonna be chuckling much longer, as her current, rather tentative hold on the grizzly goss zeitgeist is about to change drastically, once it's revealed Pork-Me’s gal dumped him because she’s sick of him using her to hide something.
Like the fact that he’s gay.

AIA's: Its not Jake Gyllenhaal, Bryan Spears, Ray J
 
* We know that Slurpa Pop-Off is Paris Hilton, so I am calling this one as Barron Hilton. He had a DUI in February. Anyone know who his "gal pal" is?


*** Top Suspect: Barron Hilton

Ted hints that Paris is Slurpa Pop-Off

In today's Awful Truth, he went on and on about Paris Hilton and her 17 dogs. This really hints to us that she is Slurpa Pop-Off, subject of at least three Blind Vices. One of the most recent Slurpa BV was about her abusing her dog. Now read what Ted said today:

Kitty Litter
Pare-poo Hilton is under investigation for letting it slip to Ellen D that she’s the owner of no less than 17 pooches—about as many people who saw The Hottie and the Nottie. But all of Princess P’s problemos aren’t entirely canine related. Back in '07, Paris was kitten-smitten with a feisty little feline she affectionately named—what else?—Prada. What, you were expecting P.H. to name any pet of hers Old Navy or American Eagle? Girl’s too snotty-class for any of that. The mouth-talented heiress collected the cat from the Kris Kelly Foundation and was told to neuter the kitty ASAP. Too bad for Prada, since Pare picked up the pussy about a week before she was sent to spend some tucked-away time in Lynwood. “Immediately” became “eight months later” in Standard Paris Time, as pretty Prada was properly handed over to the vet this past January.

Oh, merde. The cute kitty was finally fixed...but was never picked up, as you may well have heard. (Kelly ended up with the full-circle honors.) Poor Prada’s still meowing away the minutes for her owner to pull out her pink extensions and put herself together as the responsible animal advocate she always claims she is.

Prada’s predicament ain’t nothing compared to that of Pare’s pups, trust. How much love can one split between 17 dogs? I admit I’m impressed how P-Hil manages to volley back and forth between lovers without anyone feeling left out in the cold. But as far as the animal kingdom goes, she needs to take a few steps back and see if she can support a simple goldfish. She simply has not had an at-all perfect track record with pooches in the past. Care to fess up now, Ms. H? No, shall we do it for you?

Hey, we hear pet rocks don’t require too much work. Tho' with Pare-poo’s luck, poor thing would up and turn to dust in about a week.

One Pooftah-Patrol Blind Vice

Today's Blind Vice from the Awful Truth ...

Slurpa Pop-Off's pups may not always escape their closets, but her exes are frolicking out one by one. One of Slurpa’s old boudoir conquests obvs needed something a little more in the sack—like eight inches more, as he’s been known to tryst with transvestites since bustin’ up with sexin’ Slurpa. Another one of SPO’s past and most precious "dating" pets, Purcell Poke-Me, is spotted regularly at a hole-in-the-wall gym on Beverly Boulevard. (Not mine, you heathens!) PPM lives to tone his totally taut bod with personal training seshes early in the ayem. Boy looks completely cut and coiffed—all for naught, perhaps, since the once superpoppy PPO’s poster-boy days are pretty much dunzo. Or so it would seem. Nevertheless, Purcell puts on quite the show, stretching out on the mat oh-so-intimately with his equally arduous and good-looking trainer as the gym bunnies gawk 'n' gawk. Smell-it-all mattress word reveals that Slurpa’s former flame boffs the dudes right 'n' left and hits the bars in Boys Town (and their mostly man-filled gyms) when visiting this coast, throwing drinks back with WeHo’s finest in a way most straight men are not exactly wont to do.

Is Purcell going to be the next Lance Bass to come pirouetting out of the closet? His well-manicured mane says yes, but his well-known mucho macho aggression suggests otherwise. Slurpa’s been known to toe the bi-line herself. Maybe these two should replay the charade all over again?
And it ain't: Justin Timberlake, Kevin Federline, Jared Leto

OK this is what we know: We are pretty sure that Slurpa Pop-Off is Paris Hilton. She has many exes but the one I am thinking here is Nick Carter. Remember they dated, and he supposeldy punched her in the face? Anyway, I know he has lost weight recently (hitting the gym), usually has a "hairstyle" going on, and the Lance Bass and Justin Timberlake mentions, and "poster-boy days" are hints that he was in a boy-band. I am going to call this one as Purcell Poke Me = Nick Carter. Any other thoughts?
Ooh.. I just realized the three AIA's are Britney Spears exes. Has Britney been eliminated as SPO? Just in case, which one of her exes would fit this? I don't think SPO is her though. Still going with Paris/Nick!!!

** TOP SUSPECT: Nick Carter

One In-The-Closet Blind Vice

Blind Spot, Ted Casablanca, 1/10/08:

One In-The-Closet Blind Vice

Surprise! Gotcha babes, didn’t I? You probably think this Vice is gonna be about some sexually repressed, hugely successful TV sitcom actor from the '90s who got caught servicing some random model in the walk-in closet of some Hollywood mansion, right? Well, for a rare change, this little walk-in wondering you’re about to experience is not about fellating some random fella, sorry.
Nope, this sordid story’s about something quite grotesque and hideous. Have you eaten yet? No? Then please, close this item, go get sustenance, wait at least 20 minutes (maybe 30) and then, only then, give things another try.
Ya see, Ellen DeGeneres’ canine catastrophe is chopped liver compared to today’s Blind job. First off, our source is one of the myriad personal employees reporting to one Slurpa Pop-Off, the bitch who serviced that dude in the bathroom of that Sunset Strip eatery, if you remember, and we’re sure you do.
Now, many times our lady of the Slurpa has brought a brand-new pooch home as a new pet, which she fawns all over until it dawns on the dummy she’s now in charge of a living, breathing animal—and not a stuffed Pound Puppy. And, gosh, responsibility is not our go-to girl’s strong suit. Therefore, upon leaving her house, she often locks these pups in one of her many closets, supposedly to prevent them from making messies all over her expensive pad.
But, uh, sometimes SPO would be gone for hours...days...weeks...and not tell anybody about the dog in its wardrobe dungeon. The animal’s existence would simply slip from her mind! Oh, doesn’t that happen to everybody? While cleaning the house, Pop-Off’s staff have—reportedly more than once—opened a closet to discover a tiny, dead dog.
Beyond hideous. I swear, I may have to out this bitch. But Pop-Off’s employees just may have beaten moi to the punch, as animal services have been alerted.
And just why the hell is this woman still allowed to purchase pooches? Please neuter and spay your pets, otherwise their offspring might one day meet their maker in Slurpa’s closet captivity.
And IT Ain't: Tara Reid, Whitney Port, Katie Holmes

Most probably Paris, judging by past BIs about her. I wouldn't rule out Britney though; she seems to collect those poor little dogs too.

* Update - Slurpa Pop-Off is suspected to be Paris Hilton.

Here is the link to our post for the vintage Slurpa Pop-Off BVs.  Also check our labels for more Paris Hilton related blinds.