Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Ted hints that Paris is Slurpa Pop-Off


In today's Awful Truth, he went on and on about Paris Hilton and her 17 dogs. This really hints to us that she is Slurpa Pop-Off, subject of at least three Blind Vices. One of the most recent Slurpa BV was about her abusing her dog. Now read what Ted said today:

Kitty Litter
Pare-poo Hilton is under investigation for letting it slip to Ellen D that she’s the owner of no less than 17 pooches—about as many people who saw The Hottie and the Nottie. But all of Princess P’s problemos aren’t entirely canine related. Back in '07, Paris was kitten-smitten with a feisty little feline she affectionately named—what else?—Prada. What, you were expecting P.H. to name any pet of hers Old Navy or American Eagle? Girl’s too snotty-class for any of that. The mouth-talented heiress collected the cat from the Kris Kelly Foundation and was told to neuter the kitty ASAP. Too bad for Prada, since Pare picked up the pussy about a week before she was sent to spend some tucked-away time in Lynwood. “Immediately” became “eight months later” in Standard Paris Time, as pretty Prada was properly handed over to the vet this past January.

Oh, merde. The cute kitty was finally fixed...but was never picked up, as you may well have heard. (Kelly ended up with the full-circle honors.) Poor Prada’s still meowing away the minutes for her owner to pull out her pink extensions and put herself together as the responsible animal advocate she always claims she is.

Prada’s predicament ain’t nothing compared to that of Pare’s pups, trust. How much love can one split between 17 dogs? I admit I’m impressed how P-Hil manages to volley back and forth between lovers without anyone feeling left out in the cold. But as far as the animal kingdom goes, she needs to take a few steps back and see if she can support a simple goldfish. She simply has not had an at-all perfect track record with pooches in the past. Care to fess up now, Ms. H? No, shall we do it for you?

Hey, we hear pet rocks don’t require too much work. Tho' with Pare-poo’s luck, poor thing would up and turn to dust in about a week.

5 comments:

blurry vice said...

this also confirms that nich carter is purcell poke me.

mo-mo said...

Remind us of what the two other Slurpa BVs were... anything good?

blurry vice said...

The first one was a few months ago (maybe a year ago) and was about S.P.O. in the ladies room in a stall with another woman, how should I say this... making loud noises etc.
There were a few recent ones about her leaving her dog abnadoned in a closet, and then a recent one about an ex of hers, that he has been dating some men that he works out with at the gym. (who we believe is Nick Carter).

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
So what's Slurpa Pop-Off up to these days? Still getting action in the ladies' room?
—Anon

Dear Det. Slinky:
Nah, she's taken her restroom conquests out and to the beach, lately."

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
What have Pixie Mixie, Slurpa Pop-Off and Morgan Mayhem been up to lately?
—JCC

Dear Bad Girls Still Bad:
Morgan's still a blatant mess, but we're so over reporting about her. And Pixie's completely turned her partying ass around, but Slurpa? The next Lohan, clearly. "

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