Which "straight" TV star's the latest to take a (painful) hike up Action Alley?
Look up, but don't unzip!
Oh, babycakes, if you’ve ever had a first-time sex story gone awry, this is the Blind Vice for you! Poor closeted TV star Chumpy "Shepp" Impaled...He finally decides to sate his boy-on-boy curiosities, and—unbeknownst to Chumpy—he picks a friggin’ journalist for his inaugural boink, horrors!
One Showered n' Deflowered Blind Vice
What did we say last week, that H-town’s full of nervous Nellies too ‘fraid to come outta the closet? Yep, that’s what we declared. And now, darlings, we’ve got Chumpy "Shepp" Impaled to prove it. Poor thing, he just doesn’t have any idea whatsoever he’s helping us with our little goss class project. Too bad.
Now, Chumpy’s not predictably handsome, but he is—we assure you—wholly doable in the sack (not that many folks would know, really). Terribly shy and certainly not out, this lad is. Kinda dorky, too. But like, girlfriends, when you nuzzle that boy’s neck and work the tasty dough down below just right, this baby’s slightly pudgy cookies are yours for the taking, trust!
Case in point: A terribly untrustworthy journalist, who shall remain nameless in this already anon tally of salaciousness, befriended CSI at a fairly small but awfully popular Hell-Ay gym. Chump-babe and the journo—let’s call him Schlong Wad, just for good measure—befriended each other in—get this—the showers. How romantic, eh? Let’s leave the dropped-soap analogies (they’re unnecessary, just read on) and mosey on over to the most fascinating fact. It’s that Chumpy, known for his lovable character work on the boob-tube, had never before had sex with a dude, though he’d always been curious. Oh, who the hell isn’t? (Shut up right now, B. Pitt, we so know you are.)
Next thing ya know, Schlong’s workin’ overtime with the compliments on Red’s many talents, which are, to be true, average. What a fabulous actor! How handsome! Such a gorgeous smile! All this poopy-cock that you chicks have been seein’ through for centuries, but Chump nevertheless totally bit, pickup line and sinker.
Right into S.W.’s Hollywood Hills digs and onto Mr. Wad’s mattress, which is precisely where Chumpy found out what it’s like to be the pea in Wad’s pod. Ouch! But Yum-O, declared Chumpy, like some sort of Rachael Ray orgasmic new naughty discovery. Such the shame that Wad, prick he be, is busy telling everybody he can.
And it ain't: David Schwimmer, Kevin Connolly, Jimmy Kimmell
What do you think? Do you think the initials CSI has anything to do with it? David Caruso is on CSI and has RED hair.
As for the AIA's: David Schwimmer is from a sitcom, sometimes directs. Kevin Connolly is on cable, and Jimmy Kimmell is a talk show host/comedian.
I was thinking Zach Braff but I don't think he could be labeled "shy", because supposedly he tries to pick up chicks left and right. Right now I guess it is David Caruso, for reasons above. Thoughts?
* Update - This BI is suspected to be: David Caruso.