Friday, February 29, 2008

One Showered n' Deflowered Blind Vice

The latest BV from the Awful Truth:

Lead-ins

Which "straight" TV star's the latest to take a (painful) hike up Action Alley?
Look up, but don't unzip!
Oh, babycakes, if you’ve ever had a first-time sex story gone awry, this is the Blind Vice for you! Poor closeted TV star Chumpy "Shepp" Impaled...He finally decides to sate his boy-on-boy curiosities, and—unbeknownst to Chumpy—he picks a friggin’ journalist for his inaugural boink, horrors!


One Showered n' Deflowered Blind Vice

What did we say last week, that H-town’s full of nervous Nellies too ‘fraid to come outta the closet? Yep, that’s what we declared. And now, darlings, we’ve got Chumpy "Shepp" Impaled to prove it. Poor thing, he just doesn’t have any idea whatsoever he’s helping us with our little goss class project. Too bad.
Now, Chumpy’s not predictably handsome, but he is—we assure you—wholly doable in the sack (not that many folks would know, really). Terribly shy and certainly not out, this lad is. Kinda dorky, too. But like, girlfriends, when you nuzzle that boy’s neck and work the tasty dough down below just right, this baby’s slightly pudgy cookies are yours for the taking, trust!
Case in point: A terribly untrustworthy journalist, who shall remain nameless in this already anon tally of salaciousness, befriended CSI at a fairly small but awfully popular Hell-Ay gym. Chump-babe and the journo—let’s call him Schlong Wad, just for good measure—befriended each other in—get this—the showers. How romantic, eh? Let’s leave the dropped-soap analogies (they’re unnecessary, just read on) and mosey on over to the most fascinating fact. It’s that Chumpy, known for his lovable character work on the boob-tube, had never before had sex with a dude, though he’d always been curious. Oh, who the hell isn’t? (Shut up right now, B. Pitt, we so know you are.)
Next thing ya know, Schlong’s workin’ overtime with the compliments on Red’s many talents, which are, to be true, average. What a fabulous actor! How handsome! Such a gorgeous smile! All this poopy-cock that you chicks have been seein’ through for centuries, but Chump nevertheless totally bit, pickup line and sinker.
Right into S.W.’s Hollywood Hills digs and onto Mr. Wad’s mattress, which is precisely where Chumpy found out what it’s like to be the pea in Wad’s pod. Ouch! But Yum-O, declared Chumpy, like some sort of Rachael Ray orgasmic new naughty discovery. Such the shame that Wad, prick he be, is busy telling everybody he can.
And it ain't: David Schwimmer, Kevin Connolly, Jimmy Kimmell



What do you think? Do you think the initials CSI has anything to do with it? David Caruso is on CSI and has RED hair.

As for the AIA's: David Schwimmer is from a sitcom, sometimes directs. Kevin Connolly is on cable, and Jimmy Kimmell is a talk show host/comedian.

I was thinking Zach Braff but I don't think he could be labeled "shy", because supposedly he tries to pick up chicks left and right. Right now I guess it is David Caruso, for reasons above. Thoughts?


* Update - This BI is suspected to be: David Caruso.

22 comments:

Anonymous said...

up the wrong alley...in more ways than one.

from one who knows...

Anonymous said...

There is always a first for EVERYTHING.

Caruso just recently got rid of his Latina girl-friend - time to experiment???

Vixen said...

LoL..that was funny...

mo-mo said...

David Caruso is a good guess. He is definitely saying he has red hair. Plus, "Impaled" could imply being pale? Who do you think Schlong Wag is? Perez? But you'd have to be an major idiot to hook up with him and not think he would blab.

Vixen said...

Would Caruso know who Perez really is? Two guys in the gym/showers.... Besides, Caruso is known for "shooting himself in the knee" now and then. And when curiosity gets the better of you everything is possible I guess.

blurry vice said...

I don't think it was Perez, he's not a reporter, He's just a blogger. I think Schlong Wad is an unknown.

Vixen said...

I know Perez' blog. And I understand that it is a made up name. I guess Caruso never imagined/counted on it that his "friend" would talk (or bragg?) about it. They never do. LOL

Anonymous said...

I wouldn't call Caruso pudgy though

Vixen said...

Oh, during hiatus he always packs on/puts on those pounds. Did you see the pair of man-boobs he sported in July?

duffgrl said...

Ted basically ruled out David Caruso today. read his column(letters) Someone guessed Eddie Cahill and Ted said that they were closer w/ EC than w/ DC. He also ruled out Josh Radnor. It's someone young on TV and not very well-known; and naive w/ both sexes. Was thinking someone on Gossip Girls-but that films in NY so prob not them.

mo-mo said...

I can't figure out who this is. He says it's someone less well-known than Eddie Cahill, who is not even famous, so who knows..

blurry vice said...

Josh Radnor from How I met your mother was eliminated too - Ted says " Sorry, Chumpy may not have the greatest bod, but he’s way cuter than Joshy-poo. Just the way it is.". I think Josh Radnor is cute! So Chumpy is cuter!?

blurry vice said...

Wait a second. I don't think he eliminated David Caruso at all. The letter was asking him about Eddie Cahill, and said that EC was a better answer than David Caruso, who would be an obvious answer. Ted's reply was "E.C.’s so much closer to the correct boudoir virgin—big points, babe! Just not the right guy. Think ever so slightly less well known, less impressive in the bod department, too." He didn't actually mention nor eliminate DC.
BUT - I agree that this now sounds like someone not so well known.

blurry vice said...

Also eliminated: Michael C. Hall - "Another excelente guess, looks- and typewise, my sweet. But Mikey-babe is far from innocent, trust. Nope, Chumpy was—prior to getting picked up by that schmuck-face journo—not at all well-versed in the mattress department. With either sex, really."

Anonymous said...

Still David Caruso is a possibility. After booting his girl-friend he might be intereste in something new...

blurry vice said...

Not Mario Lopez - ". Think less famous. Slightly. Tad less built, too."

HollyP said...

How can you think David Caruso is less famous than Mario Lopez? David Caruso headlines his own show while Mario dances with the stars? (And quite fetchingly, I might add.)

blurry vice said...

HollyP - WE weren't the ones that compared David Caruso and Mario Lopez, that was a quote from Ted Casablanca.
Also, we are not even sure that this BV is about David Caruso.
Regardless, I do think that Mario Lopez is more famous than David Caruso. He was on Saved BY the Bell for years and has been on many talk shows. If you never watched David Caruso's TWO television shows, you don't know him.

Anonymous said...

I'm thinking Rain Wilson. The neck nuzzling comment and lovable character clues work.

Anonymous said...

!o! Hi others anonymous and vixen the both Sister'Devil and evil in the Days ! Also repeat and reapet forever what the best actor D.Caruso is " .bla bla bla bla bla " salacious and lies, vomit language, for This actor "red-hear" ! The both has "Darkness,ass" and connards Speaking and screening them venimous words for "blogs, diaries, and others "paper-toilets" ! TO be continued the "bads girls" jealousies and null and void same you ! Bye bye !

Anonymous said...

it isn't David Caruso - that man is all man, and doesn't have a gay bone in him (excuse the pun).

it's gotta be someone pretty new to the industry and who is perhaps young and on the fence, so to speak, about his sexuality. new generation seems to wag both ways, but the older generations seem less to.

angie said...

Anon 12:50 i like the Rainn Wilson guess. RW has kind of reddish hair if you catch him in the right light. Slightly pudgy,and i see where the " wholly doable in the sack" might fit in with him. but i don't think he's terribly shy at all. Or could it be Conan O'Brien. that would be where Jimmy Kimmell tied in. But does he even act? but he would surely know who Perez Hilton would be. Ahh! i don't know.

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