Thursday, February 7, 2008

One Muscle Matchmaker Blind Vice

From The Awful Truth, February 8th column

First Lead-In:
In a shameless sexual Blind Vice, which major entertainment-type dude is having his straight trainer scour gyms for his gay dates?

Second Lead In:
The Trapezoid Trap
This week’s Blind Vice has Furrowed Frank, an enormously popular entertainment figure, and his wily flat-bellied trainer picking up handsome boys with bulging muscles and desire for Frank, not so discreetly. How long before F.F.’s gym-floor whoring becomes public? Raunchy readers, place your bets and read on!

Blind Vice
Furrowed Frank is such a mainstay in contemporary entertainment, visible everywhere on screens big and small. ‘Course, many a pop culture aficionado insists what F2 does is definitely not entertainment, but it is. Indeed, the dude’s whole life is as meticulously written as his hair is coiffed. And that ain’t just my big-hair Texas exaggeration shootin’ off, trust.

Here’s how F2’s love life plays out, for ince. Oh, and need you even guess? Yes, bien sûr, F.F. is a closeted gay man, do they not make any other kind in this biz any more? I swear, I really do think we’re regressing since the time of Rock Hudson and that ersatz marriage to his secretary. I mean, get real. Andy Dick and his dubious hangers-on are practically the only friggin’ tier of boy-swingin’ guys to come clean, save a few souls like T.R. Knight, who was forced outta the closet, anyway.

Look, Furrowed had a b-f for a while, all fairly discreet 'n' stuff, never really got out there that much in the gay-sniffing zeitgeist that’s so increasingly prevalent...our apologies if this Vice department’s only expedited that dynamic, but I think it would have happened anyway. Now, F2 and his man have busted up. And since since Frank is under such tremendous pressure to perform before his mouthwatering public, Franky-poo’s needs must not go unmet, correct?

Furrowed’s trainer sure seems to think so. The big ol’ cut and ab-perf hunk has taken it upon himself to procure dates for Furrowed. And the damn guy’s straight! But that doesn’t stop him from interviewing potential exquisitely muscled men on the floor of the gym where he trains F.F., usually beginning with a query such as, “How would you feel if a big celebrity found you attractive and wanted to go out with you?”

Initial response is key here. If the boy’s dark eyes (as they almost always are, as Mr. F loves him some Latino lovin’) light up instantly, that’s usually a signal to go to the next step, which is either making the intro right there on the gym floor, or an almost immediate dinner or coffee setup. See, F ain’t got much time.

We could blame it on his pressing and highly visible work schedule, s'pose, but that wouldn’t really be accurate. More to the nooky-crazed point would be that Frank is much more interested in moving on to the next bulging find his trainer procures for him—rather than getting to know any of the fixed-up fellas, at all.

How long will it be before one of the quickly discarded dudes gets supersteamed and goes to the tabs, we wonder? Not very.

And it ain't: Justin Timberlake, Ty Pennington, Alec Baldwin

To see our guesses and to discuss, visit the comments below! I will say one thing... the AIA's are all very different from each other and random...

* Here is the link to the newer Furrowed Frank blind vice from May '08.

* Top Suspect: Anderson Cooper


blurry vice said...

OK an entertainment-type dude... a mainstay in pop culture. People say what he does is not entertainment. Ryan Seacrest? Billy Bush? Jeff Probst? But Ted says he is all over the big and small screen. So that has to include someone in movies too. Right? And someone with a perfect hairdo. Right now I am thinking Zach Braff. But looking for hints - Ted says "bien sur" which is a French term. There are not too many French actors that I would consider to be a mainstay in pop culture. Then there is the hint "Furrowed". With that I think of eyebrows. Could it be... Luke Perry? He has always had perfectly done hair since his 90210 days. And he has that scar over his one eyebrow. Not my Luke!

duffgrl said...

ooh, good one. My first thought was- Ryan Seacrest. "Mainstay in contemporary entertainment" and "enormously popular entertainment figure" totally describes Ryan....but...I agree, "on screens big and small" throughs a wrench in that theory. Will think about this more....

duffgrl said...

Looked up Ryan on and he was in "Knoocked Up" and had a bit (extra) part in "Crimson Tide". So maybe it is him??
Fun fact I also learned: Ryan was on a 2000 episode of 90210!
p.s. embarrassed I spelled the word "throw" wrong in my last comment. Correction

blurry vice said...

I forgot Ryan Seacrest was in Knocked Up. Now he fits. Remember that whole Teri Hatcher staged papparazzi shot? She claimed on Oprah that he asked her on that one date, kissed her in front of a papparazzo on the beach, drove her home, and never called her again. Always smelled like a coverup.

blurry vice said...

Remember Jiggly Wiggle-Poof? There were at least two BVs about him. I always thought he was Ryan Seacrest.

Anonymous said...

I think this is definitely Anderson Cooper! He specializes in the "news as entertainment" genre; he doesn't have a lot of time because he's always jetting off to some foreign locale; and he is known to favor Latino men. The latter was the dead giveaway -- I'm surprised no one has guessed it's AC.

duffgrl said...

Shit, you may be right. The bf he busted up w/ was darker-skinned; looked Latino. I saw pics of them. And-his brows are always furrowed! Furrowed Frank=AC 360?

blurry vice said...

Anderson Cooper is a great guess. He does have furrowed eyebrows. Except #1 he isn't in movies, right? And #2 isn't he not really in the closet anymore? I mean, I guess he isn't officially "out", but I thought it was common knowledge that he was gay. It sounds like Furrowed Frank is more "in the closet" than AC. I think Ryan Seacrest fits better.
About Ryan Seacrest... someone on a comment under the Awful Truth thought that RS couldn't be Furrowed Frank, since he was Jiggly Wiggle-Poof. I disagree, I know Ted has given celebs more than one name. He doesn't always use the same name for a different BV about that person.

duffgrl said...

Yes I forgot about the "screens big and small" comment and the word"perform". It's RS. has to be.

blurry vice said...

Not Will Smith - "Think far less impressive, bodwise (not workwise)".
Also, not Matt Damon - "Think far more impish."
Nor is it Rocco DiSpirito - "Way too butch, dear"

blurry vice said...

Johnny Knoxville excluded - "Actually pretty close there, babycakes. Ain’t J.K. though, think similar frame just less (obviously) comic."

blurry vice said...

Also excluded - The Rock. "Nope, The Rock may be mysteriously metro-studly for a wrestler, but the beefy dude ain’t our boy-shoppin’ barbell lifter. Think far less machismo."

blurry vice said...

OMG! Today Ted has eliminated Ryan Seacrest. "trust, the dude-ogling dude ain’t R.S. Think far less studied.".
I really thought it was him!

blurry vice said...

Did anyone else see this? In today's "eyes have it", Ted says this:
"Anderson Cooper, working out at New Yawk’s David Barton Gym twice a day (looks like reporting the news can wait). He’s givin’ all the eyes of the gals and guys a supreme workout, starin’ hard while he works up a cable-ready sweat! But Andy Coop isn’t known to labor on his legs, which look like two skinny white straws (mine, too) compared to the remainder of his right-on bod. The silver fox spent only five minutes on the Precor elliptical machine, then wandered off...Beware the men’s locker room, A.C., those dudes ain’t exactly known for keepin’ clean."
- Hints that this BV is Anderson Cooper?

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
I'm curious about Anderson Cooper, the journalist from CNN. Anything about his personal life you care to share? There is a lot of speculation, but I'd like to know what you know.

Dear Silver Fox:
He's very curious about women's dresses—is that the type of stuff you're after?"