Vintage BV: Petunia Pickle-Pop & Eve Envy

Happy Halloween!  Here is an extra little something for you trick-or-treaters!  A vintage BV from 5 years ago.  :)

Two Female-Trouble Blind Vices - October 20, 2005


Sex is pretty fun, right? We look forward to it. George Michael was so right when he described it as "best when it's one-on-one" (I think). But Petunia Pickle Pop seems to like it when it's one-on-one with an audience of five. It was a late, cool night in the City of Slippery Runways. P3 was positively exhausted from partying her nonexistent butt off (like that's a clue in this nourishment-starved town). Or it coulda been the booze she'd been guzzlin'. Regardless, P.P.P. managed to squish her tush into a packed limo. Her posh pals followed--hey, when don't they? You might say P. doesn't have an independent bone in her oft displayed bod. But anyway, it's what she did next that's so shocking (to me, anyway). Ms. Pickle Pop unzipped this random dude--who was just tagging along--and proceeded to slurp him up and down and up and...yeah, it was about that romantic. If I were P3, an almost mechanical sex toy of a gal, I'd market it. Like, maybe she could produce blow-up dolls bearin' her likeness. You laugh, but with this shameless lick-lass, it's hardly outta the robotic question. 

Then there's our friend Eve Envy, who's far less famous than P3 but kinda robotish in her own way. And E2 has somethin' I wouldn't wish on my fugliest foe: an extremely famous diva sister. I can't even imagine the pressure. Add to that her job--word around the office is that Eve's massively lackin' in the talent department. These could be the demons that drove E.E. to snort some blow in the middle of her super-high-profile workplace. Well, okay she wasn't exactly Kate Mossing--she hid in a stall. But when she came bustin' out with her trusty nose candy holder in hand, rubbin' her schnozz, the cover was, shall we say, blown. Good thing E2 and P3 travel in such different circles. Collectively, they could probably suck the souls outta this freakin' town. 

AIA: Lucy Liu/Kimberly Stewart, Mischa Barton/Nicky Hilton, Mary-Kate Olsen/Ashley Olsen.


Here is our link to the other Petunia Pickle-Pop BV from Nov 14 2005. 
Eliminated for PPP: Lucy Liu, Mischa Barton, Mary Kate Olsen, Rose McGowan, Tara Reid, Jessica Simpson, Kimberly Stewart, Ashlee Simpson, Hilary Duff, Drew Barrymore, Faye Dunaway, Carrie Fisher, Bijou Phillips
Top suspect for PPP: (was Paris Hilton but now we know she is Slurpa Pop-Off.)


Eliminated as Eve Envy: Kimberly Stewart, Nicky Hilton, Ashley Olsen, Ashlee Simpson, Haylie Duff
To suspect for Eve Envy: Linda Lopez

Weekly Vintage BV: Self-indulgent singer

As requested by a reader, here is an old one from Awful Truth, from before Ted started giving nicknames to his Blind Vice subjects.  Since there is no nickname, I am assuming this person could have been BV'd again.

Feb 13, 2003

You might want to invest in some earplugs before reading this diva ditty. Seems a certain self-indulgent singer just can't get enough of her own voice. In fact, this lush 'n' lovely lady lives for turning up her tunes loud enough for everyone on the block to hear. And she sings along--at the top of her high-priced larynx. Certainly, this narcissistic behavior is fine in one's own bedroom, shower and maybe even the Benz, but this booty-shakin' babe recently cranked up her latest album while staying at a supposedly exclusive hotel. Day and night, the spicy songstress belted her catchy riffs over and over. Needless to say, the semi-famous guest staying in the neighboring suite finally had enough. He rang up the front desk and insisted someone tell Ms. Me to cease and desist. As if. No can do, he was told. Like we're gonna tell Ms. M. to take it down a notch, Yeah, right, guffawed the clerks to one another. Leave that to the music critics.

Top suspect was: Jennifer Lopez

Blind Vice: Revenge is a Dish Best Served Slutty!

New from Ted and the Awful Team today...

Blind Vice: Revenge is a Dish Best Served Slutty!

Chiquita isn't exactly known for having a legs-closed-shut policy on the set of her über-hit TV show.
The "bat s--t" crazy actress was hooking up with one of her hunky costars for a while, before getting semi-burned when the dude decided he'd had enough of her cuckoo for Coco Puffs crap. Nasty stuff.
So...what's a scorned star to do?
Sleep her way up to the top and plan evil revenge, of course!
Crafty Chiquita, whose killer bod matches her ambition, started having sex with a very high-up guy who works on her show. Said dude has the power to make a lot of creative decisions. You know, like where certain character developments will go!
Naturally, C. is using that vag-trap of hers to try and convince the suit to write her ex into character oblivion (or death, whichever Chiquita can finagle first). Or—at the very least—"significantly diminish his role," according to one of our myriad right-on set insiders.
Oh, and by saying Chiquita is trying to convince the stupid suit with the faulty zipper to do this, threaten may actually be the more appropriate word. Because it's not like this was a one-night stand thingy.
No, C. and the exec have been sleeping together on the side for a while now.
If Chiqy doesn't get her way, she is thisclose to tattling about her sexy escapades (all of them!) to some folks it would have a grave impact on. And trust, the unlucky gentlemen is much older with a reputation to protect.
One thing to keep in mind?
Everyone on the set already knows. All of the actors, including her ex, are very aware what kind of slut crap she's pulling.
And Miss C. wonders why she's the outcast of her good looking cast?
And it Ain't: Lea Michele, Leighton Meester, Katerina Graham

Update 5/25/12 - Ted has eliminated Lea Michele, Leighton Meester, Katerina Graham, Taylor Momsen, Snooki, AnnaLynne McCord, Ashley Benson, Deborah Ann Woll, Polly Perrette, Blake Lively, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Emily VanCamp

Please see our label below for our post on the previous Chiquita BV. 

Top suspect: Naya Rivera 

Lainey - She's A Piece of Work

She’s a piece of work

Written by Sarah
There’s one in every family. The in-law no one likes. They manage to find a way to bring down every family holiday and gathering, provoking fights, hurt feelings, and general awkwardness. You stare at the brother/sister/cousin/aunt, or maybe even parent, who introduced this unpleasant individual into your clan and think, Were you high when you proposed?  For this family, their “piece of work” is a loud-mouthed, famous blonde who insists on smoking at the table during family gatherings (the family patriarch is very health conscious--this is not a smoking-tolerant family). At first, they didn’t mind her so much, sold on her bright smile and seemingly pleasant manner. But as soon as her public trouble was smoothed over, her real personality started coming out. Now, her constant cursing and insistence on injecting herself into the middle of everything is rubbing everyone the wrong way. When friends of the family visited they were shocked by her behavior and attitude. The family was like, yeah, welcome to our world.  But what really irks them is her habit of emasculating their son--not only in front of them, but in the press, too. Things have gotten so bad that they’ll tell anyone they wish their son would leave her, wondering why he still puts up with her, going so far as to say they’d “lobotomize” him to make him forget her.

Top suspect: Katherine Heigl

Weekly Vintage BV: Probe Light

As requested by reader roseyf, here is one a lot of people thought was John Mayer.  I always thought this one was Adam Levine though.  See comments section for a hint from Ted.

One Vainglorious Blind Vice - Feb 13, 2006


Okay, darlings. I'm just gonna lay down the get-laid law. When you're twisting in the sheets with a lip-mashing mate, selfish behavior has got to be at the top of the don't list. Sex is all about focusing on your partner, relishing their nooks, crannies, piercings and whatnot. I mean, sure, we all get off on ourselves; it's just that usually you save that for when you're alone. And that's why Probe Light is so shocking. He's a rocker—okay, semi-rocker—a very dreamy boy from the sensitive side of the tracks. Sort of a clean-living-room thing. And so as you can predict, this saga begins backstage at one of Probe's concerts. An unknown minx makes her way into P.L.'s dressing room. One flirtatious remark leads to a lick of the lips, and before ya can say, "Top 40 music rules"...Boom, boom, boom, they go, back to his room where they do it all night. Oh. Forgot one little detail about this assignation. Ya see, Probe's own music was playing on the stereo the whole friggin' time. Such a small fornicating factoid, wonder how the hell I forgot it? Seriously, though, give us all a minute to catch our breath here. I mean, where is the romance? Who gets off on their own damn recorded music? Are you kidding me? Isn't that sort of like making love next to a sculpture of your own Johnson? Ya see, the gal was disturbed; but she didn't say anything, shy as she is. Then again, maybe Mick Jagger likes to get satisfaction while listening to one of his band's 10 zillion tunes. But he's a Rolling Stone. And Probe's, well, Probe. Hardly a legend. What's also weird about this incident is I already knew Mr. L. had some kinky quirks, which is fine. But to learn that he would get a D- in Romance 101? Shame. There is, howevah, a happy ending, at least by my standards. Probe surprised his one-night stand with a little mouth-to... Exact body location to remain undisclosed. I'll take a cue from P.L.'s sweet, preteen-appropriate lyrics. He, after all, would never be so explicit. 

And It Ain't: Ryan Cabrera, John Legend, Aaron Carter

Also eliminated: Justin Timberlake

Top suspects: John Mayer, Adam Levine 

Blind Vice: OMG! Sexy Poses Ain't the Half of It!

New from Ted today

Blind Vice: OMG!  Sexy Poses Ain't the Half of It!

Lorin Sniffle-Puss has a hot bod, a really hot talent and some of the hottest headlines in Hollywood these days! What else could a svelte, beautiful rising star want?
Besides more money, that is (that's always a given with these newbie types). Nope, green ain't exactly the color of what's making Lorin get all excited and a bit bothered these days.
Actually, that shade would more accurate be described as...
Pure white, baby! And we don't mean the virginal kinda white. We're talkin' cocaine-colored, sweethearts.
Yep, if you ever wondered how Lorin (who has the most exquisite legs and bod, we must say) makes it from one damn media splash to the next, and never once looks worse for the wear doing it, well, we have the answer:
L. Sniffle-Puss is getting very fond of that little power-powder Lindsay Lohan loves to sniff whenever she can get her ass away from a judge's prying eye.
And what's funny about it is, Lorin's gotten most accustomed to doin' the snort thang while outside L.A., while performing mainly promotional stuff on the side. As if nobody will see 'cause it's outta town. Yeah, right. Nobody will notice, honey-bun.
Gotta say two things here: the hours Lorin's been given to work are so extraordinary, it's little wonder Lorin resorted to something to help pull it all off (we're certain Lorin can't be alone in the taxed cast, as far as a need for a chemical second-wind goes), and, Lorin is, so far, really expert at hiding this dangerous habit.
Not only does LSP shine all dimpled and pure-like in the press, the supple star has brilliantly gotten folks gossiping about the sex card. About this particular star, that is.
Works as an awfully nice diversion.
AND IT AIN'T: Chord Overstreet, Blake Lively, Penn Badgley

Top suspect: Matthew Morrison

Update 7/7/11 - Ted has also eliminated Lea Michele, Dianna Agron, Heather Morris, Kristen Stewart.

Vintage By Request: Whip-Me Mendelson

As requested by reader cassandra, here is Whip-Me Mendelson!  Thank you for bringing up WWM, I had forgotten about him!

One Homo-Handed Blind Vice - November 9, 2006


Oh, let's not talk about Farley Soosh-Spurn, he's so, well, obvious about his boyish activities round T-Town—even I've seen him picking up handsome chaps whose pupils are dazzled by Mr. S.S's celebrity (and certainly not by Far's dubious mug). Yawn, whatev. So reminds me of bubbly blond chicks kissing up to dog-meat producers aged enough to be their grandfathers, old story in T-Town.

Far more fetching a tale would involve all kank-ee things Whip-Me Mendelson. Whip, mind you, is known for the utter antithesis of his Christian name and then some. Yep, Whip's made a fairly lucrative career of exploring the rather dorky side of various arts—and getting quasi-decent reviews in the process. Like, what is it about nerds that sends the world all atwitter, like gals get round rock stars? Never understood that nebbish dynamic, but that's not what we're here to discuss.

Nope, that would, instead, be chains, anal balls, shaving from the neck down with electric pin shocks inserted into one's scrotum, à la acupuncture and sundry other S&M treats Mr. Mendelson

Recently, Whip's been in the news, his b-f less so. But what nobody's been picking up is the dish involving Whip and a veddy famous reclusice celeb with whom W.M.M. continues to have a master-slave thang goin' down 'tween the sheets.

Three guesses who's the rump-slave in distress and who's Mr. Punisher.

Now, that's a press release I want to see.

People mag, I friggin' dare ya! has also developed a reputation for—off-camera (far, far off). And it gets better:

And it ain't: Tobey Maguire, Michael J Fox , Matthew Broderick 

Also eliminated: Dominic Monaghan, George W. Bush, Donald Rumsfeld, Hayden Christensen, Chris Klein, Topher Grace

Top suspect: Elijah Wood

Vintage reveal?

Just getting caught up on this week's bitch-backs.  Looks like Ted revealed a vintage.  Now just have to figure out which BV this is.

"Dear Ted:
This makes me feel like a hundred years old, but I have been reading your column for a while, and I think I did finally solve one Blind Vice. It is the one about the action star who told his wife she was only allowed to wear dresses and he was acting like an oversize jerk to everyone. His public persona was much better at the time, and as I said this Vice is so old I most likely read it when we still had dial-up, but was it about ranting Mel?
— f_moser_scone

Dear Wrong:
Close, but no cigar. And I just told you who it is."

We'll update this post with the Blind Vice when we find it.

Top suspect: Arnold Schwarzenegger

Ted's BV archive: Roxy & Stud-Bucket

Another chapter for Ted's Blind Vice Archive - this time Roxy Couture and Stud-Bucket LeBeouf.  Link to Ted's post here.

It's time to introduce our first couple into the Blind Vice Archive. So why not start with one of our steamier pairs, Stud-Bucket LeBeouf and Roxy Couture. While they seem perfectly domesticated and glamorous from the outside, this duo is not without their share of relationship woes.
Here is their marital tale:
________
The Perps: Stud-Bucket LeBeouf & Roxy Couture
Primary Vice: Stud is a serial cheater
Blind Bio: While it would appear Stud-Bucket's wandering...you know...is the problem, it doesn't go unnoticed. Roxy knows while Stud's away he will play and is choosing to ignore said infidelity as long as he doesn't bring the trash home, physically or emotionally. Unfortunately, the confidentiality agreements he has the other women sign isn't keeping his skanky stuff too much of a secret anymore.

We believe they are Victoria and David Beckham.

Here are our posts on the previous RC and SBLB BVs:
Oct 2008 including a full list of who has been eliminated as SBLF
Feb 2010 including a full list of who has been eliminated as RC
and the latest from Oct 2010.

Blind Vice: Roxy's Not That Innocent!

New from Ted yesterday -

Blind Vice: Roxy's Not That Innocent!

Remember Roxy Couture? The babe who had all of Hollywood laughing behind her back while that gorgeous hubby of hers, Stud-Bucket LeBeouf, screwed stripper after cocktail waitress? Couture's friends—and everyone in the biz—was whispering about "poor Roxy." How could she be so clueless?

Well, turns out, it was all of us she was pulling a fast one on:

No, Rox didn't have herself a hunky actor side dish. She's far too busy keeping her adorable kids and perfect home in order. Gotta make sure the media thinks life is great great great!

Turns out, actually, that R.C. knows all about her husband's not-so-indiscrete indiscretions.

With the steely nerve that made her a household name in the first place, Rox has put in place an "out of sight, out of mind" rule. She doesn't want to know what Stud is up to as long as it's just sex and not emotional—as if LeBeouf would let himself go that far.
He's got the perfect situation! He really does love his wife. So what's the harm in a little sex on the side when he's apart from the Missus—which is a lot?
At least that's what he's been telling his bros while out at a party recently, bragging to his buddies about the hot girls he's banged recently and what a cool wife he has.
What's the harm since he has those iron-clad confidentiality agreements, right?
Wrong. Stud and Roxy's kids are starting to catch wind of their situation, which means it's time for major damage control.
So is SBL ready to act his age and settle down? The next chapter in this dangerous (in many ways) Hollywood tale remains to be seen.

And it Ain't: David Arquette & Courteney Cox, Tony Parker & Eva Longoria, Matt Damon & Luciana Barroso

Top suspects: Victoria Beckham & David Beckham

Links to our discussions of the previous Roxy Couture and Stud-Bucket LeBeouf BVs are here:
Oct 2008 including a full list of who has been eliminated as SBLB
Feb 2010 including a full list of who has been eliminated as RC

Lainey's Christina Aguilera blind riddle

Here is our post on Lainey's "Post Partum Flirtation" riddle.  There we are discussing Christina Aguilera, her recent divorce announcement, and cheating rumors.

Weekly Vintage BV - Pinchy Pepper

Here's a weekly scoop of one of Ted's oldies but goodies...

One Cheap-Ass Blind Vice - September 7, 2005

Pinchy Pepper can have whatever she wants. Indeed, when she was in the heyday of her four minutes of teenybopper fame, she never let us forget--not even for an over-mouth-lined minute--that she was all about the money.
Then she hooked up with someone who rakes in more cashola than most hunks dream of possessing in Hollywood. Oh, and the partner-unit's hot, too.

Okay, that's an understatement. He's the anti-Federline: handsome, hardworking and independent. And to top it off, said hubby reeks of the right stuff (sweat), not wrong crap (fag smoke).

So, Pinchy has it all. Such a couture gal, P.P. would never be seen anywhere near a sale rack. But this skinny mumsy does have an economical streak--when it comes to her two blessed babies.

What a surprise in celebrity-dom, huh?

Here's the deal: Double P.'s been on the hunt for a nanny to tend the tiny ones. A real headache when your guy is known for his roving eye and you've got visions of Jude Law's antics splashed across your (starved) noggin.

Ain't it lucky, then, that P2 finally found the Mary Poppins of her dreams? She loved this gal. So much so, Pinch made an offer on the spot: $1,600 a week. Sounds great, but that's actually about half the going rate for high-profile nannies.

The potential kid-wrangler was kinda confused. Pinchy knows the standard fee. And the nanny knew that she knew that. But Pinchy put her stiletto down, wouldn't budge, and the nanny walked, standing by her due.

The disappointed gal should consider herself lucky. High-maintenance Pinchy'd prolly make workin' for Faye Dunaway seem like a fortnight in Saint-Tropez.

And it ain't:  Angelina Jolie, Kate Winslet, Madonna

Also eliminated were: Catherine Zeta-Jones, Julia Roberts, Jada Pinkett-Smith

Top suspect = ?
 (At the time everyone thought this was Victoria Beckham.  These days though we know celebs only get one nickname and we believe she is Roxy Couture.  So this has got to be someone else.  New guesses anyone?)

New Awful Truth BV archive: JJO and DDD

Ted and the Awful team have created another BV archove to go along with the new JJO BV.  A Judas Jack-Off Blind Vice Archive.

If there's one Vice you all just can't get enough of it's Judas Jack-Off. We hear you loud and clear, so this week we're giving JJO his very own archive page packed with all the debauched deets on this very D.L. dude.
Here is his rarely sweet, always skanky tale:


The Perp: Judas Jack-Off
Primary Vice: Closeted actor
Blind Bio: If Judas Jack-Off weren't so damn good looking there's no way he'd be able to get away with the total a-hole crap he pulls. Like calling off his overseas wedding to his BF Dashed Dingle-Dream to shack up with his latest costar/beard (at his people's request, natch). But just because he dumped poor DDO doesn't mean JJO has stopped trying to get some on-the-side action from his former fiancé.

Great job Ted and crew for organizing another archive.  However, once again our list of who has been eliminated is more complete, and can be found here.

Blind Vice: Judas Jack-Off Goes Hetero Overload!

New from Ted on Friday 10/17-

Blind Vice: Judas Jack-Off Goes Hetero Overload!

Well, screw us with no lube, Judas Jack-Off sure has gotten more ballsy, lately! And we mean that in many dirty ways, trust.
Now, last time we checked in on poor ol' closeted Judas, he was pathetically trying to cultivate a domestic-front for the media, engaging in various exciting pastimes with his ersatz honey.
Didn't work.
In fact, Judas and his woman's shared-outing thing so colossally misfired (and Judas never got the desired press he really wanted from it), Judas has now taken to the exceptionally seedy activity of....
Cheating on his fake (female) significant other!
And not with the poor, put-upon, on/off boyfriend, Dash Dingle-Dream he usually cheats with, but, with...other women!
Frequent visitors to the place Judas and Dash most often occupy complain of seeing Judas "always" hauling in some random chick to his bedroom. "Looks pretty obvious to me what's going on," snipped a babe who's been over to the boys' hang-pad recently. "I mean, come on."
This is just beyond gross. It's bad enough Judas has tortured Dash enough with the People-mag arranged chick in his life, but, now he's got to tag on one-night stands—just in case the press finds out the real deal, that he prefers guys?
Sorry, but, this one's getting beyond anything even Shafterella Shoshstein would ever dream up for the rags! And that's saying something.
Get help, Jude. And fast. You are not well.

It Ain't: Tom Sturridge, Taylor Lautner, Vince Vaughn

Use the label below for our discussion some the other JJO and DDD BVs

Top suspects - Hayden Christensen and ?

Arquettes Lainey blind?

OK, Lainey stated here yesterday that the Arquettes were in a blind riddle about an unconventional relationship.  Who knows which one?  Going to dig thourgh later tonight if I have time, but if you know already please let us know!


Update: Here are two they are believed to be about:
Text Harassment and Cabo.

Lainey- Hair issues

Hair issues

Two riddles about hair. Two different subjects.

1. When you don’t eat, when you deprive your body of essential nutrients, it reacts in ways to protect itself. One of the side effects of excessive thinnification is the fuzzy hair growth, a soft downy layer as the body tries to keep itself warm. And oftentimes on the face. Since food is not a regular part of her life, the thinnification hair on her face is naturally dark. They do a marvellous job of hiding it though – by bleaching and strategic photography and of course foundation, although it’s getting harder and harder to hide. And as a result she’s just lost a part because of it. The director loved her, he just didn’t want to go to such great lengths to camouflage her problem.

2. Young star of the moment was getting some action once and things were progressing along nicely until the boy headed down there and discovered that her situation was so unkempt, “like even more than the 70s”, he had to tap out. It was how she learned the importance of grooming. On a personal note though, let’s make this sh-t fair: maintenance goes both ways. It’s not just a female responsibility, male deforestation is a requirement too. Carry on then with your guesses now.

Update 10/13/10 - Lainey has eliminated:
For #1: NOT Leighton Meester, Kelly Osbourne, Megan Fox ,Angelina Jolie, Renee Zellweger
For #2: NOT
BOTH: NOT Natalie Portman, Vanessa Hudgens, Taylor Lautner, Taylor Swift, Emma Stone, Evan Rachel Wood, Jennifer Hudson, Joe Jonas, Kristen Stewart, Mila Kunis, Keira Knightley, Carey Mulligan

* Top suspects:
#1 - Sarah Jessica Parker
#2 - Lea Michele

Blind Vice: This Star Needs a Sex Swing, Stat!

New from Ted today -

Blind Vice: This Star Needs a Sex Swing, Stat!

Oded Good-Head is quite the good media pot stirrer. He knows how to stay relevant considering he hasn't done much career wise in forever, like twat away on Twitter to get himself press.
But on that rare occasion the multifaceted hottie does book his bulky self a gig, he makes sure he has three things waiting for him in his dressing room: magnum condoms, a sex swing, and Jujubes.
Yes, that infamous dressing room where Oded first made his B.V. debut—he was caught on his knees servicing another dude, and by his manager no less—has become a debauched cave of, well, not love.
Sources who have dealt with OGH recently tell us they had to make sure ten boxes of magnum condoms were on hand, presumably to go with said sex swing—that this poor runner had to go to a sex shop and purchase himself specifically at Oded's request!
We're guessing the Jujube candy would be used post-coital, for whichever lucky lady or gentleman took a ride with O.
Yes, Oded is a platinum member of his little down low club, but he bangs chicks every now and then too—and then blabs about it to all his straight buddies so he can keep up that macho persona.
A couple ladies have been rather famous, too, which makes Good-Head shout or tweet his tales for everyone (especially the press) to hear or read.
So sad.
It's only a matter of time before Oded Good-Head joins Crotch Uh-Lastic in the Hollywood nut house. You can only hide your true self for so long, and O. is slippin'.

And it ain't: Shaquille O'Neill, Dave Matthews, John Travolta

Top suspect: still 50 Cent. 

See our other OGH posts for more discussion:
9/17/10, and 11/9/08 including a full list of who has been eliminated.

Vintage BV - Chunky Charlie

Here's the weekly vintage BV for y'all.  Going back to 2005.
Again, excuse our site problems.  Our webmaster is working on getting it all back to normal ASAP.

One (Re-)Netted Blind Vice - August 17, 2005

Chunky Charlie is known for baiting Hollywood's more rarefied fishies. But for a minute there, C2 decided to settle down with a purty little mermaid. Even had a few guppies as a result. 
But then it all came plummeting down faster than the Titanic, I declare. C.C. couldn't keep his fins in his pants--like, at all--so, Missus Mermaid ditched his increasingly déclassé ass and took a settlement the size of the Caribbean in the process. Ouchie-wouchie! 
Charles felt the requisite chastising and pain. His friends told him this was no way to exist--floundering from one fillet to the next. Try it again, they said. Settle down! 
Like a fool, Charlie listened. Found himself a nice simple little thing. Pretty as a perch, too. 
Only problem being, the shark deep inside Charlie is at it, yet again. And now he has a new MO, so, ladies, watch out: Whereas olden times had C.C. seducing with bravura fitting a barracuda, Mr. C.'s increasing waistline now requires a more polished, yet just as effective reeling-in--aw shucks, Nemo style. It's landing Charles some real prizes, trust me. 

AND IT AIN'T: Sylvester Stallone, Eddie Murphy, Will Smith

Also eliminated: John Travolta, Michael Douglas, Jack Nicholson

Top suspect: Kevin Costner 

TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES

PLEASE EXCUSE OUR TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES.  OUR WEBMASTER IS WORKING ON THE PROBLEM.  WE HOP TO HAVE OUR SITE BACKGROUND FIXED BY TONIGHT.  THANKS FOR YOUR PATIENCE.

Blind Vice: How Far Can Crotch Push It?

New from Ted today-

Blind Vice: How Far Can Crotch Push It?

There lies a point when the debauched dalliances of our more storied Blind Vice celebs turn from sultry to sad. And it sure is getting that way, fast, for our beloved closeted movie idol, Crotch Uh-Lastic.
Poor Crotch. He used to amuse us all so much, by divining these ultra-elaborate kinky sex hook-ups, totally hot and daring stuff! But no more.
Now, Crotch is just plain ol' stupid:
Many of Crotch's close friends, colleagues and reps are hugely worried about the handsome dude. He's starting to do dumb things. He tweaks out all night, doesn't sleep, and then stumbles his way through interviews the next day.
Now, it's nothing new for Crotch to weirdly work his way through a chat with a journo—it's always been a charming side to the dimpled boy. But now all charm's been replaced by hollow eyes and listless pale skin.
"He's losing it," emphasizes a close confidant, adding Crotch's sexual escapades are "practically out in the open" to people in the business now. No one knows what's really going on up in Lastic's lonesome abode because he's exiling those close to him, beard included, who has stuck by him through a lot.
And it's not just risk-taking hook-up scenes, which we've mentioned before. But now the not-eating, staying up all night Hollywood way of living seems to have completely, sadly, taken over Crotch's very hunky existence.
Thing is it's not like Crotch is partying his talent away. You definitely won't see him out at the clubs with Leonardo DiCaprio's bromantic crew. Instead, CU-L is just isolating himself, ignoring calls for days, and appearing wackier and wackier whenever he mingles in with the real world.
Uh-Lastic doesn't even bother with the beard significant other anymore. No wonder the guy's been freaking people out lately with his career. Huge waste.
And It Ain't: Zac Efron, Leonardo DiCaprio, Tom Cruise

This is the 4th Crotch Uh-Lastic BV... here are links for our posts on the other 3:
Nov 20, 2009...  Aug 8, 2008, including our complete list of who has been eliminated.... and Aug 1, 2008.

Top suspect is James Franco.

Awful Truth's Crotch-Uh-Lastic Archive

Another archive from Ted and crew!  This time Crotch-Uh-Lastic, and you can check it out here. 

The Perp: Crotch Uh-Lastic
Primary Vice: Closeted actor
Blind Bio: Well respected thespian recruits the studs to play out fictional sexual scenarios before their big bang—and he can't get it up unless said situation is pursued! Crotch usually sends assistants to pick out his man-meat for him, and his handlers are getting concerned because his sexual dalliances around H-Wood are becoming less and less of a secret.

I'm so glad that eonline is getting organized.  We're not the only ones keeping track on these things!  Also, see our label for all of our posts here on this site on CUL.  Here is our post which includes a complete list of everyone Ted has eliminated.  We believe he is James Franco.

Bonus Blind: A-List Beard Was High School Boozer!

From Monday Oct 4 -

Bonus Blind: A-List Beard Was High School Boozer!


Poor Priscilla Desert. That goody-two-shoes mass-marketed image of hers just may crumble sooner than folks think.
Not only has the über-talented Pris already happily agreed to let herself be used as a People cover-ready beard for one of her gay-boy boyfriends, now it turns out Miss P. has a past:
Turns out P.D. really liked to get her booze on back in those days, and many of Priscilla's so-called "friends" from the lunchroom are starting to talk about it, big time.
One of those massively paid campers that follow Pris around like flies to Beverly Hills crap should do something about this nastiness, already. In fact, I think they already have. We've noticed that the more tips we get about Pris's fondness for boys and the booze, along comes another fakey magazine story about what a right-on and humble religious girl Priscilla happens to be.
Jeez. When's the public going to stop being as gullible as the legal types who keep accepting Lindsay Lohan's excuses? Wake up, people!
And, uh, Priscilla, get a clue (not to mention a spine): You know there are people in the world who happen to believe in God and think it's OK to date boys and have drinks, too.

And it Ain't: Miranda Cosgrove, Jasmine Villegas, Demi Lovato

Here is the link to the previous Priscilla Desert Blind Vice from January 2010.


Top suspect: still Taylor Swift.


As of 3/30/11 - Ted has eliminated Blake Lively, Nikki Reed, Emily Osment, Miranda Cosgrove, Jasmine Villegas, Demi Lovato, Selena Gomez, Hayden Panettiere, Julianne Hough, Lindsay Lohan, Renée Zellweger, Mila Kunis

* Proven to be Priscilla Desert by timeline of dates that she was not a BV and then confirmed as one: TAYLOR SWIFT

Lainey - Her First Request

From Lainey yesterday Oct 5 -

Her First Request


Is always cocaine. Whenever she’s booked for something, whenever she’s scheduled to be somewhere, whenever she has to be on, or off, or pretty much standing these days, she needs a bump first, and the lowlies are required to procure her some, which she’ll eventually chase with hard liquor, a habit she’s become quite famous for.
Up until now she’s been able to manage herself quite well. “She’s always been a functioning drug user and drinker, she always gets her sh-t done.” But now that sh-t is turning nasty. It shows up on the side job, ugly, revealing, personal rants that go too long and elicit only embarrassment. Or it shows up as the bitch with her hand between her legs and her tongue stuck in the ear of some leering dickhead whose name she can’t remember the next day.
And her people aren’t doing anything about it. Because, frankly, “this is part of her image, it’s not like (she) ever pretended she never partied. When she talks about partying, everyone gets a cheque”. Enablers notwithstanding, it’s taking those who really care about her longer to notice.
In her case, then, I guess it’s the exact opposite of the child employees: they f-ck up because they’re not allowed to, she f-cks up because she’s encouraged to. Either way it’s becoming a serious problem, exacerbated by the fact that she was recently dumped by a dude who could no longer handle her lifestyle and then immediately moved on to a wholesome new broad 10 years younger.

discuss...

Lainey - Any excuse to dress up

Yay, Lainey is on a roll with her blind riddles these days...

Any excuse to dress up

There was a party recently to celebrate the imminent arrival. So he took the opportunity to get dressed up, full lady costume, with his male friends, and sing and dance and flail about, and let the real him fly for a change, at least the afternoon, just like in the movies, while his expectant wife looked on... or away, I guess, depends how you see it. They say he feels free in character, this particular character.


But it wasn’t an open invitation for everyone. These curious affairs never are. Even the wait staff was required to have come off the same space ship. Like mandatory. While he would have preferred tall, dark, and handsome too, in this respect, at least lately, she’s been able to overrule him. Impulse control, however, has never been his strength. He’s been on a very, very short leash.

...

Vintage BV - Slurpina Regina & Smiley Fakeit

Here's a vintage for the weekend...

One Hair-Raising Blind Vice - June 15, 2005

Slurpina Regina is renowned for doing what guys love the most, and usually chicks don't. And, no, I'm not talking about bottom-line boinking. Get your minds outta the gonzo gutter, already. I'm not that bad. Yet.

Slurp, for short (just like her), broke up not long ago with her cute man, Smiley Fakeit. Now, though S. 'n' S. have both made a killing in their chosen professions, it's rather ironic that neither of them are a bit like the public thinks.

But then that goes for the majority of Hollywood, doesn't it?

Back to the broken-up honeys: Like many romantic fools, Slurp and Smiley have attempted post-split friendship. Rarely works, right? As one or the other partner is usually still hooked. Just like our talented gal, Slurp.

So, there S.S. is at S.F.'s hillside Hell-Ay-area abode, swinging with the young and the Beemer-driving set. And oh, look! It's a pajama party! How retro-Hef! Last one in the fake-rock Jacuzzi is an underwearing-equipped egg!

Amidst the heavy-duty, NC-17 smooching and groping, Smiley flirts with Slurp just enough to keep her hooked. Throws out a few "love ya's" just to keep that passive-aggressive tether tight, doncha know. What a highlighted canine.

 Unbeknownst to Ms. Regina, there at the poke-adelic party is a dude who would die to do her right. And not just there at the stupid-ass themed soiree. The morning after. And the one after that, he professes to one of Smiley's good chums. But the amigo says, no, back off, Smiley wants to get back together with Slurp.

Bummer.

Bigger bummer: Not long after a naively hopeful Slurpina departs, her anonymous love wannabe walks into Mr. F.'s boudoir to say good night. Of course, he's busy doing you know what to some random babe from the party.

Dudes--they're dogs, just like I said. 

And It Ain't: Reese Witherspoon/Ryan Phillipe, Nicky Hilton/Kevin Connolly, Mischa Barton/Brandon Davis

Also eliminated were: Eva Longoria/J.C. Chasez (slightly too famous), Orlando Bloom/Kate Bosworth, Lindsay Lohan/Wilmer Valderrama, Seth Green.

Awful Truth's new Toothy Tile Archive!

Wow... eonline has finally done it.  They have created a Toothy Tile archive.    All of the Toothy Tile Blind Vices listed together, with a list of the AIAs.

The Perp: Toothy Tile
Primary Vice: Closeted actor
Blind Bio: A-List actor, prevalent in the tabloids but not so much Hollywood clubs. Has been deep in the closet for quite sometime, but at one point was going to come out until his team of conniving lettuce-eaters convinced him it was a career kiss of death. Has been in a serious relationship with Grey Goose and the two have a kid together, Baby Tile. Will Toothy ever come out?

Cool!  However, our list which can be found here has a more complete list of who has been eliminated as Toothy Tile.  We have also been including everyone Ted has eliminated in bitch-back question/answers over the years.

Still, this new Toothy archive is a great resource for the Blind Vice lover such as us.  Hopefully there will be more like it to come from the awful team in the future.  Thanks Ted!

Top suspect = Jake Gyllenhaal

Blind Vice: Toothy Tile Gets Fishy Again

Sorry for the delay.  Toothy is back in yesterday's new BV from Ted...

Blind Vice: Toothy Tile Gets Fishy Again

Uh, oh. Looks like our handsome, beloved, sexually confused Blind Vice stud Toothy Tile is back to taking bad advice from his short-sighted, money-grubbing handlers. 'Cause T2's again trying to make it appear as if he's actually into bedding women. So gross.
Remember the last time T.T. tried this heterosexual nonsense, bedding women? Poor Toothy had to rely on not Viagra, but the white, powdery stuff, instead.
Hmm. Wonder if Lindsay Lohan's little helper is what Tooth is relying on this time around:
Desperate Tooth, who hasn't exactly had an easy time of it at the box-office (or on the home front, for that matter), has taken to lurking around out-of-town strips clubs, leaving these sleazy joints with chicks. Wonder what he does when the babes finally get him home? Do they tell Toothy their favorite films from his mostly impressive film repertoire, just to excite him, once they discover he's not exactly rarin' to rip their panties off?
Probably.
Also, it's strange that this time around, Mr. Tile's opting to pull his ersatz straight-guy stuff outside of Hollywood. He knows perfectly well what he's been up to will eventually trickle back to T-Town. But it's almost as if Toothy's deciding as long as he's pullin' this fake babe-nailing crap outta town, it doesn't really count.
Or maybe it's that Toothy's put-upon partner (the male one) won't find out? Hey, gotta tip for ya, Tooth—it's doubtful Grey even cares anymore. He's over it.
Besides, Grey's learned from the best: he's on his own Toothy-like pretend romance that's beginning to make your past ones look like kid stuff.
And It Ain't: Justin Bieber, Jason Ritter, Alec Baldwin

See the label below for our other Toothy Tile posts.  We believe he is Jake Gyllenhaal.  And Grey Goose is Austin Nichols.