Friday, August 1, 2008

One Draw-Strung-Out Blind Vice

Ted's latest BV Aug 1:

Lead-ins:
Mischief Mavens
Toothy Tile's got some big-box (office) competition with a similarly closeted mega movie star who's awfully kinky by the pool—check it out in Blind Vice Friday!

Drowning in Deceit
Crotch Uh-Lastic is the latest T-town lad to loosen his gay inhibitions—as long as he's at home by the pool with a damn-near porn script! Check it out in an all-wet, all-new Blind Vice!
Shirtless James Franco Signed Portrait

One Draw-Strung-Out Blind Vice


Toothy Tile, doll-hon, you’ve met your homo match. ‘Cause there’s a new rising, closeted star in town (actually, he’s been rising for, like, ages now, but, whatev) who’s putting your clandestine, closeted—not to mention kinky!—ways to shame. Maybe you know him? Name’s Crotch Uh-Lastic. Ring a bell, babe? Thought so.
Now, keep in mind, Toothy and Crotch have never made a flick together, though they do both go in for the same roles rather often. Similar brooding thing going on. You know, that tough yet tangible, touchable, almost boyish loveliness, a little crusty on the sides, too. Know the type? Oh who cares about actor oeuvre, let’s get to the dirty part and oozing sex outta control, my little horn-hons!
So Crotch, like a lot of his hetero counterparts in this Biz, is all wrapped up in fantasy. Whereas Toothy likes it dangerous and out in the open—Hollywood parking lots, anybody?—Crotch prefers his assignations played out as if they were the plots of one of his artier flicks (he's had plenty). This is how the boy likes it: He chooses a stud, latest one being a straight—wink, wink, right—trainer who’s busy trying to get a modeling/acting/smoldering-look career going and asks him to come over to the Hollywood pad. Mr. U.-L. has an East Coast home, too, but the pool in his Hollywood hang is so much fun for game playing. The man-meat Crotch has selected is told, beforehand, to await his limo ride to the Hell-Ay house and, once he arrives, to head straight to the pool area, adorned with chaise lounges. On these tastefully tufted settees, like little lost Saks Fifth Avenue summer catalog lovelies, lay various box-cut (never Speedo, how Matthew McConaughey!) swim trunks.
Silently, oh so discreetly, the stud-for-hire is then told to take off all his clothes and put on any of the suits he likes, at which point Crotch struts out and the inevitable seduction, complete with end-of-the-show water works, begin. And Crotch can only get the ol’ equipment up and hosing, I’m told, if said scenario is pursued.
How damn exhausting. Whatever happened to a little sweat, not too much intrigue and even fewer props? Is that so old-fashioned? For Crotch, the answer would be yes.
And it ain't: Tobey Maguire, Topher Grace, Matthew McConaughey

* Our top suspect: James Franco.
Here is the link to the other Crotch-Uh-Lastic BV on Aug 8, '08 including a full list of those eliminated.
Here is CUL BV from Nov 20, '09.  And the most recent Oct 8, '10.


33 comments:

blurry vice said...

Based on the AIA's, James Franco fits... he co-starred with Tobey Maguiere in Spiderman. Topher Grace was in Spiderman 3. And he was in Fool's Gold with Matthew McConaughey.

blurry vice said...

Going with the James Franco connections - JF shares a birthday with Hayden Christensen... won't rule him out.

Anonymous said...

And the hint about the artie films? Where does that lead?

Anonymous said...

Matthew Broderick. Check out Ted's Truth, Lies, and Ted where he talks about the buzz surrounding MB's "faux" affair. Also MB stars in Diminished Capacity which has been playing at many film fesitivals.

Anonymous said...

What about Jason Schwartzman? I think he was considered for the role of Donnie Darko, which later went to Jake Gyllenhaal, and he has done numerous "artsy" flicks- Marie Antoinette, I Heart Huckabees.

Colts#1Filly said...

Orlando Bloom? He was just passed over for the lead role in Disney's upcoming blockbuster Prince of Persia, based on a popular video game. Jake Gyllenhaal was given the role.

Possible AIA connections:
Tobey was considered for the role of Will Turner (Pirates)
Topher starred w/ Kate Bosworth (O's frmr gf) in Win a Date w/ Tad Hamilton & grew up/went to school w/ her in CT
Matt I think is just an AIA b/c he's such good friends w/ Jake

Anonymous said...

RYAN GOSLING!

Noogie said...

I like the Ryan Gosling guess, but that's mostly wishful thinking on my part... James Franco is a more realistic guess, though.

Anonymous said...

I'm liking the Ryan Gosling and James Franco guesses. James Franco most likely fits. But I'm still convinced Gosling is gay too.

Noogie said...

*sigh*...From your keyboard to god's ears!

Anonymous said...

Gosling is gay. Or at least bi. There is no way he is always straight. Same with Franco. And Hirsch. And Gyllenhaal. And Hayden C.

Boss Bunny said...

I was going to guess Hayden Christensen, but I'm thinking Matthew Broderick now. Both of them fit the syllables, and MB has a home in LA and NY. And isn't he the one that wanted to watch two guys in a restroom?

Not sure what Speedos have to do with McConaughey, but it might be a clue for a former or future column?

Anonymous said...

Matthew Broderick is too old! How on earth would he be going against Jake Gyllenhaal for parts? An when was Ferris Bueller's Day Off ever considered 'artsy'? Besides, there's nothing brooding about him.

Boss Bunny said...

True dat.

blurry vice said...

Matthew Broderick definitely is under question for some other issues. But not this one.

Ted mentioned James Franco today... mostly about how he just got a degree from UCLA, and gushed about his lips. Nothing hinting towards this BV.

Boss Bunny said...

But in Truth, Lies & Ted he talked about how JF tells the press how much he hated kissing Sean Penn in "Milk," but that everyone else knows he doesn't mind kissing men at all.

Whatever. I know everyone thinks he's hot, but he gives me the creeps.

Anonymous said...

Yeah, Truth, Lies and Ted gave some strong hints that this is Franco.

Anonymous said...

Is it Christian Bale? He does broody, arty films... I hope not - I love him!

bamatrash said...

The McConaughey reference could be talking about his reputation as a stoner. And James Franco is in Pineapple Express, a stoner film.

Anonymous said...

Ryan Gosling

blurry vice said...

Dear Ted:
Maybe the new site should be dubbed the Big Banana? You should put a little more fear into Toothy Tile by revealing another Blind Vice. Game?
Lori

Dear Dare-Doll:
You bet. But judging from the way Crotch Uh-Lastic is gaining closeted-sex game playing on our beloved Tooth, I dare say it’ll be he who’s uncovered before Tooth—shall we dub him Toothy 2? Let’s!

Boss Bunny said...

Well, it's obviously not Matthew Broderick. Ted also eliminated Tom Hanks (ROFL!) and Robert Downey, Jr., today.

Anonymous said...

As far as I know, JF doesn't have an East Coast home and he has dated the same girl, Ahna O'Reilly, foa long time ...

Anonymous said...

Ahna O'rielly is a California girl - went to high school w/ James Franco ... she's been in pix w/ him all year long ... his mom loves her!

Anonymous said...

Blurry Vice, James did not do Fool's Gold with Mathew. He did a separate film with the same name.

tikitac said...

not james franco, i think he did the vice concerning the skinny weed guy, he also doesn't do artsy films.

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Just wondering if Nevis Divine and Crotch Uh-Lastic have been in a film together? If yes, has it been in a film released in the past two years?
—BMB

Dear Movie Muff:
Not that I'm aware of, but if they had, Crotch would have had to have held back his excitement I'm sure."

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Crotch Uh-Lastic's first birthday is coming up! You first revealed his slim body to us July 31 last year! Are you going to get him anything for the special occasion?
—Imqaatdbru

Dear Crotch Grab:
Maybe a new pair of swim trunks for all of the men he's still luring home. "

blurry vice said...

James Franco made it to the Blind Vice Superstar Gallery - here is the hint

"James Franco

Hilarious, hot, and studious—that's a winning combo for Franco, who managed to simultaneously earn a college degree and box office hits the last few years. But would he still be the big man on campus and in H'wood if his utterly delectable Vices got out to the public?"

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
I think I've figured out who Crotch Uh-Lastic is...Does he have a younger sibling emerging in showbiz?
—Stephanie

Dear Narrowing It Down:
Doesn't everyone?"

blurry vice said...

WOW BIG HINT

"Dear Ted:
Thanks to you and the comments by your readers, my next pet will be a rescue. I absolutely promise. Can't rescue yet though, as I still have human babies I am raising and I know my limits. Can you please answer me this: Does Crotch Uh-Lastic have any other hobbies that may have subjected him to the land of Blind Vice, or is his only secret the fact that he likes the peen?
—S

Dear Spare Time:
Can you be more hobby specific darling? Does swimming count?"

Read more: http://www.eonline.com/uberblog/the_awful_truth/b180733_bitch-back_hey_newsweek_writer_ef_you.html#ixzz0npdZDOcn

blurry vice said...

I mean, sorry, that wasn't a big hint.

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Why is James Franco single? I just don't get it. He's funny, intelligent, works hard on everything he puts his fingers on and has an open mind that could enlighten many. Oh, and he's hot hot hot. Please provide some insight—and a hint to what his B.V. is.
—U

Dear Living Single:
Single? Haven't heard he's cut ties with longtime GF Ahna O' Reilly. They don't exactly have a conventional relaysh since James is mostly work, work, work. As for his B.V., well, he's not so alone when it comes to that either."

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