Friday, August 8, 2008

Blind Vice Friday - "Closeted Stars are Dummies!"

Here's the new Blind Vice - it's done differently due to Ted's new layout:

Blind Vice Friday! Closeted Stars are Dummies!
This is just great. Not only is Crotch Uh-Lastic, whom you all met last week—-and whom I could have sworn it would be at least a few weeks before we all said hullo to again—really does have his brains stuffed deep inside his paramours’ overly tight swimsuits. See, the big-screen idol, whose pics make all kinds of bucks because their themes are all so brilliantly multiplatform, is doing things just like Toothy Tile. Now that word’s just beginning to get out that Crotch loves to lure "straight" men back to his Hollywood pad and have them don all sorts of skimpy swimwear (just so CUL can slowly take it right off), Crotchy-poo’s pullin’ an emergency Toothy!
Suddenly, Crotch's rarely seen (female) significant other is out at events more. Suddenly, the S.O.'s mentioned in media interviews. Suddenly, the S.O., who’s more East Coast based, is in Hell-Ay! None of this happened until more than just days prior to last week's baddy Blind, believe me. Oh, and then—quite the opposite—gone missing are Mr. U.L.’s previously very homo-friendly statements to the press. It’s all so Rock Hudson, really. Or Toothy Tile, as I said before. Now, a word to the surreptitious swim fan: T2, even though a surprisingly large amount of folks are buying this ersatz domesticity you're pulling off so well in the tabloids and such, it ain’t gonna work with you, bro. At least, not while you’re having nooky delivered to your house in limos. At least Tooth keeps it somewhat discreet with the BF!

And it ain't: The Rock, Matthew Broderick, P Diddy


Oh, now this combined with last week (see below), this is soooo James Franco.

Here is the link to the other Crotch-Uh-Lastic Blind Vice from Aug 1, '08
And here is the one from Nov 20 '09.  And Oct 8 '10.

* Update 6/17/11: Ted has eliminated The Rock, Matthew Broderick, P Diddy, Tobey Maguire, Topher Grace, Matthew McConaughey, Robert Downey Jr., Ryan Gosling, Josh Harnett, Ryan Phillipe, Kevin Spacey, Adam Brody, Chris Kattan, Brody Jenner, John Mayer, Derek Hough, Alexander Skarsgard, Matthew Fox, Ryan Phillippe, Zac Efron, Leonardo DiCaprio, Tom Cruise, Jake Gyllenhaal, Justin Timberlake, Alexander Skarsgård, Garrett Hedlund, Stephen Moyer, Chris Colfer.

52 comments:

blurry vice said...

This is totally James Franco. In the latest Truth, Lies, and Ted video, Ted talks all about James Franco and how he made some homo friendly statements, how he doesn't mind kissing Sean Penn at all for his upcoming movie.

blurry vice said...

is the east coast based girl Ahna O'Reilly?

Boss Bunny said...

That's what confused me. I still haven't seen a girlfriend paraded about. He's always with Seth Rogen.

Boss Bunny said...

Looked Ahna up on the news sites, and she suddenly appears with JF on July 31 at parties and premieres. Sure looks like it!

sistah2 said...

I am surprised its him. Did not have the gaydar going there.

Suzer said...

Do you think Reese Witherspoon is willingly playing along as a beard? I hate to think she is actually convinced Jake is straight. Imagine the pain she's going to experience when the truth is revealed (if it hasn't been already).

She strikes me as too sharp to be in the dark.

Anonymous said...

I think it's either James Franco or Ryan Gosling.

As far as Reese, didn't TC always insist that TT was bi-sexual? I guess I always assumed that he ended up falling for a woman and now TC is just bitter that he didn't come out.

blurry vice said...

Let's keep the Reese/Jake discussion on their posts. But yes I believe she is playing along, and they are good friends. She's no fool.

Noogie said...

This is so clearly James Franco, it's not even fun anymore. I never thought that figuring out a blind vice could be such a drag... Ted just gave this one away. Too easy!

Anonymous said...

I'm going out on a limb and saying I think it's Keanu Reeves. He is bigger and better known that...fits all the clues... would have more clout and "people" who could arrainge the trysts...and Perez even posted about recent pix of him with his new "beard"

http://perezhilton.com/2008-08-11-keanu-grows-a-new-beard

There have been rumors for years, and he has more movies that fit the description than Franco.
Thanks for a great site...
Theresa in Tampa

Noogie said...

Oh, come on James... Nobody's buying it! :)

Keanu is much too old to compete with Jake for parts, and he's definitely not up and coming (at least not since the 80's (Bill & Ted, anyone?). Besides, I doubt Ted would consider the master of the blank stare as 'brooding'.

Anonymous said...

totally Ryan Gosling. All the sudden Rachel McAdams showing up. He's got the boyish good lucks with edge and does a lot of art indie films. He has a NY and LA place

Anonymous said...

Has to either be Ryan Gosling or James Franco. I'm convinced they both are gay, so it doesn't really matter who the BI is about.

blurry vice said...

Dear Ted:
Is Crotch Uh-Lastic Tom Hanks?
Lynn
Milford, Conn.

Dear Det. Unzipped:
Nope. Way, way off, honpie. Think far more up and coming, in every way.

blurry vice said...

Dear Ted:
Luv ya, is Crotch Uh-Lastic Robert Downey Jr.?
Maureen

Dear Crotch Shot:
Love ya back, no. Think younger, but just as horny and dirty.

Anonymous said...

Dear Ted:
What describes Toothy Tiles's situation better: "Single Tile," "Mr. and Mr. Tile" or "Family Tile"? Please, could you include clues and hints more often about him? What happened to that great idea to dedicate one day a month to only Toothy questions?
Ashley
London

Dear Multiple Choice:
Family Tile. Don’t remember committing to one day a month trying to ferret out T.T.’s identity. Still, don’t think that’s enough for my taste.

So Toothy must be Tom Cruise after all ...

blurry vice said...

To the anonymous poster above:
#1 - Tom Cruise has been eliminated as Toothy Tile by Ted - see separate post in our archive for complete list.
#2 - Please keep Toothy Tile comments in those posts. This is a "Crotch Uh-Lastic" discussion.

blurry vice said...

Dear Ted:
Crotch Uh-Lastic from One Draw-Strung-Out Blind Vice has to be Ryan Gosling. Rachel McAdams is all of a sudden around again; he's brooding and a little crusty. He's up and coming—sounds like Mr. Gosling to me!
—HTC

Dear Det. Crust:
Excellent guess there, babes, just not the right comer. Precise on everything else, though, right down to the doable dimples.

Dear Ted:
Is Crotch Uh-Lastic Ryan Phillippe?
—Kat, York, Pa.

Dear Reese:
What’s with the fake name and address? You know it’s not Ry-Ry! He was always so much more discreet!

blurry vice said...

Ted is eliminating people all days of the week now and they are all over the place with is new format. Bear with us!

Dear Ted:
I so wish that you would/could reveal Toothy Tile. In the meantime, is Crotch Uh-Lastic Josh Hartnett? He is brooding, boyish and certainly crusty.
Sarah
St. Louis, Mo.

Dear Crotch Catch:
So close (much more so than Mr. H. would like, I’m sure). But alas, wrong dude. Think more talented. By, like, a lot.

blurry vice said...

Dear Ted:
Greetings from the great Football Hall of Fame city! Love your column and read it ravenously at lunchtime...great escape! I was just wondering if Crotch Uh-Lastic could be Kevin Spacey? And maybe Toothy Tile is John C. Reilly?
Calicocate
Canton, Ohio

Dear No Touchdowns:
Keep trying, babe, way off on both. Think more good-lookin’ than either Kev or Johnny C., sorry fellas, it’s a superficial world out there.

blurry vice said...

Also, I want to point out that at the top of this page of letters is a huge picture of James Franco, and at beginning of the mailbag column Ted mentions JF in an unrelated response. Then he goes on with these Crotch Uh-Lastic eliminations.

Anonymous said...

I was convinced it was Ryan Gosling, but it must be James Franco. It definitely fits.

blurry vice said...

Dear Ted:
I dig the new layout. Change is good, and your writing is still as bitchy as ever. Not like you're losing any sleep over it, but people will come around. Also, is Crotch Uh-Lastic Adam Brody? The things that make me think this are (a) he's brooding and (b) he's more talented than Josh Hartnett.
—A.J., Ohio

Dear Another Midwesterner:
Nope. Think far, far more celebrated—just a little more talented. Right look, though, g-friend!

Anonymous said...

Ahna O'rielly is a California girl - went to high school w/ James Franco ... she's been in pix w/ him all year long ... his mom loves her!

blurry vice said...

Dear Ted:
I just heard about Chris Kattan filing for divorce after eight weeks—another long-term celebrity marriage bites the dust. What is it with these folks? By the by, could he be Crotch Uh-Lastic?
—Cheryl

Dear Nomance:
Crotch would be so offended! Kattan is much less talented and doable than our swim bud.

Anonymous said...

Hayden Christensen in light of Ted's comment re: Adam Brody's look :girlfriend-Rachel Bilson

blurry vice said...

Dear Ted:
Is Crotch Uh Lastic Brody Jenner? You said "swim dude," and you also had a photo of Brody Jenner with a surfboard.
—Cheryl

Dear Catching Crotch:
Superclose, but yet, so super far away, talent-wise. Right look though, my salacious sweets.

blurry vice said...

Big hint in this letter:

Dear Ted:
I love your column and even if you piss me off more often than not (especially when you badmouth Jennifer Aniston and Jen Garner), I just can't stop reading and following your work. I wish I knew how to quit ya! Is James Franco Toothy Tile?
—Lisa

Dear Toothy Tell All:
No, but dollmuff, you're so close more than a few fagolas in T-town are sweatin' plenty right about now. Nice detective work.

duffgrl said...

My guess is Christian Bale (Batman)

Baited Breath said...

Dear Ted

Is it Orlando Bloom?

Baited Breath

blurry vice said...

Ted says 11/14

"“I would have been nervous if I had to kiss Natalie Portman in front of everyone or something.”

—James Franco, when asked his thoughts on smooching costar Sean Penn in Milk. Is that actually true, Jimmy? Actually, I know it is"

Anonymous said...

Franco has been seen a lot with his girlfriend and is talking a lot about her; she'll probably accompany him to the Golden Globes this coming Sunday. But Ahna did not go to high school with him, she's like 7 years younger and she is based in NY...they just celebrated New Year's in Miami though.

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Let's boycott Toothy altogether. Now, James Franco on the other hand is so delish and not a college dropout, so he is so much more deserving of our attention, n'est-ce pas?
—Tarquin

Dear Frankly Franco:
Yummy indeed. And that boy is def deserved of our attention. He's already been a Blind Vice!"

hilarysullivan3 said...

Dear Ted:
We haven't heard about Crotch Uh-Lastic in a while. What's been going on with him?
—Danrads

Dear Wet 'n' Tame:
He's busying studying how best to be bad—again.


James Franco is STUDYING at school at NYU

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
We haven't heard about Crotch Uh-Lastic in a while. What's been going on with him?
—Danrads

Dear Wet 'n' Tame:
He's busying studying how best to be bad—again. "

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Just wondering if Nevis Divine and Crotch Uh-Lastic have been in a film together? If yes, has it been in a film released in the past two years?
—BMB

Dear Movie Muff:
Not that I'm aware of, but if they had, Crotch would have had to have held back his excitement I'm sure."

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Just as the Toothy Tile updates were getting routine, but still much appreciated, you introduce the delicious Crotch Uh-Lastic. Please tell me, which one is more eager to come out, and who will come out first? Will this be a competition?
—Ann

Dear Shot In the Groin:
Crotch. By a long, long shot. He's too smart for this BS, anyway."

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Has anyone guessed John Mayer as Crotch Uh-lastic? Would be an interesting hint as he did wear that hideous crotch elastic on that cruise of his. He's also alluded he likes the male honeys as well. If it is him, I know you probably won't confirm—lawyers and all. I can't help but wonder if it is him, and naturally what the hell was Jen Aniston thinking when she hooked up with him? Tell me she has a brain rattling around in that head of hers! Let's say for argument's sake it was him. Did she do it to save face in the wake of the Brangelina affair? He's doesn't command that kind of respect—it makes her look pathetic. Did she do it to make Brad jealous? As if he cares—look what he's knocking boots with! Is it John Mayer?
—Sara, Calgary

Dear I'll Stop You There:
Mayer isn't Crotch, but yes, judging by John's dress-up, I wouldn't be surprised if he liked role-playing, too."

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Has James Franco been one of your Blind Vices? I get a strange vibe from that hottie...say, maybe on the down-low?
—Moflo5677

Dear Francophile:
On the not-so-down-low, yes."

Simone said...

Good job in keeping the Franco/Crotchy gossip active and updated. :)

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Already sent my guess on Toothy Tile, now it's Nevis Divine's turn. He has to be James Franco. I don't know why, but I feel so sure (on both guesses).
—Wanda

Dear Let's Be Franco:
J.F. has his own vices to worry about. He's just as delicious as Nevis, tho!"

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Just wondering if Crotch Uh-Lastic has ever worked with Drew Barrymore or Jessica Alba?
—BMB

Dear Not So Commando:
Yep. Just not telling you which one! "

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
I absolutely love your column! Though I still don't understand the Robsten obsession (sorry but that mopey, pasty, I-don't-shower-every-day look turns me off from paying any attention to those kids). Anyway, keep up the awesome job. Question: Has James Franco ever been a Blind Vice? I hesitate to write which Blind Vice subject I think he might be because I don't think I ever really want to find out any of the Blind Vices—it's so much fun to keep guessing! Thanks for keeping a smile on my face at work.
—Sarah

Dear Fishing for Franco:
Keep the Rob hate to yourself—I'm just looking out for your safety. And of course James has been B.V. If you love him, better you don't know which one. It's a superyummy one! "

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
I'm gay. Out and proud since high school. It never was easy, and it never will be. I don't know what to think of all those closeted actors. God, I'm so depressed when I think of all these young and beautiful guys who think that it's OK to hide their homosexuality like it's something to be ashamed of. I need some hope, Ted. Give me hope. Tell me that some of those celebrities will come out soon. Out of Toothy Tile, Judas Jack-Off, Crotch Uh-Lastic, Dashed Dingle-Dream and Crescent Kumquat, who is (are) the one(s) you do have hope that they'll come out within a year or two years from now?
—Kaz2yfive

Dear Hunky and Homo:
Who do I hope will come out? All of them. Who do I think will? None. With the possible exception of Crotch. He's too smart for this BS. "

blurry vice said...

""Dear Ted:
I was never such a fan of celeb gossip until I discovered your column. You are smart and hilarious—I'm totally addicted! So I have a question about our old friend Crotch Uh-Lastic: Any chance he might have had a tasty (albeit extremely brief) swimming pool scene in a recent film? And could that have sparked his offscreen swimming pool shenanigans? If he's the man I suspect him to be, I think his career would be absolutely fine if he came out of the closet already. He's a great actor with an increasingly fantastic résumé. Wouldn't you agree?
—Sarah

Dear Crotchy Clue:
Crotch is very busy studying his moves.""

blurry vice said...

"Dear Awful Truth:
I have just recently come across your column, and I love it and am particularly obsessed with the Blind Vices. I read somewhere that James Franco has been the subject of a Vice—can you give a devoted reader somewhat of a hint? Keep up the good work and screw the haters!
—Natalia, Scotland

Dear Finding Franco:
The only hint I can give is that J.F.'s vice is something that might make you reconsider your Franco love. "

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
James Franco is going for unusual relationships, you wrote...One has heard.. that Franco is...ahem! GAY! Do advise if "one" is mistaken...
?Tarquin

Dear Misdirected:
That's a question for James Franco, not me darling."

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Is Crotch Uh-Lastic Derek Hough?
—DDSunshine

Dear Crotch Offender:
No! Crotch is famous for a reason. Now apologize to Toothy Jr."

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
So, Toothy Tile and Crotch Uh-Lastic. My two favorite gays. Ever bumped uglies or had the same beard?
—Poopsie

Dear Beard and Weird:
What a pretty pic, but no. And Crotch doesn't do the beard thing, remember."

- TED CONTRADICTED HIMSELF HERE. IN THIS BV, HE SAYS CROTCH HAS A FEMALE SIGNIFICANT OTHER.

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
It's getting harder and harder to take anything you say on your B.V.s seriously, since you contradict yourself so many times—it's like you can't even keep track of the stuff you make up. Crotch Uh-Lastic, for that matter. In his second B.V. you said Crotch was doing just like Toothy and selling his fauxmance to the media. Now, you say Crotch doesn't play the beard game. So, which one is it? Maybe you're saying that he used to have a beard but decided not to do that anymore? So can we assume Crotch doesn't have a (fake or not) GF right now? I hope you can explain that. Otherwise, I'll just take that you are full of BS, after all, and I've been naive all this time.
—Losing Faith

Dear Jump The Gun:
Calm down, babe. Don't you know everything is more complicated when it comes to these homo-lovin' hunks (especially Crotchy for that matter). See, if you're getting technical, then Crotch does indeed play the bearding game, but not like Toothy—at least not anymore. Gone are the days of CUL pimping out his pretty other half. Instead, he's more than happy for everyone to think he is completely single, which a lot of people actually do. I don't consider that "playing the beard game." At least, not well."

Valerie Feria - Isacks said...

How about http://www.advocate.com/News/Daily_News/2009/08/04/Gerard_Butler__Not_Gay,_But_Not_Straight/

Ted could think his very unlabelled UKish response and desire for privacy on the matter annoying, but the dude is Scottish.

Personally I hate these gay one's as Ted says he says he's against outing people as he is gay himself, but they're so close it's effectively the same effect?

I kind of like the British/South African way which is do whatever you want on it as long as it's consentual, private and not in front of children. Tolerance but not pushiness, sounds good to me.

Same for my fellow heteros who are all up in their partner, get a room people!

Ozzy said...

James Franco, yet Zac Efron but not him no! I know Elijah Woods been east coast based, living here in Bklyn. Jake Gyllenhaal!?

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