Friday, November 20, 2009

Crotch Returns in Slinky, Undercover Blind Vice!

New Ted BV today -

Crotch Returns in Slinky, Undercover Blind Vice!

Darlings, we were going to give you a New Moon Vice update, but for all of you who are so sick of vampires you could cry blood, we'll reward you by bringing back an oldie but yummy goodie.
JAMES FRANCO 24X36 COLOUR POSTER PRINTRemember Crotch Uh-Lastic, the hunky, rising male star who would hire men to come back to his Hills pad, dress up in some swim trunks and get the naughty party started?
We can't believe it's almost been two years, but Crotch has officially risen, like a hunky hero out of burning celeb-saturated waters! Mr. Uh-Lastic has solidified himself as a respected Hollywood actor, which means it's time to be even more discreet 'bout his homolicious ways...
See, Crotch would love to go out, hit up the gay scene and bring himself back a cutie. But as the fagola Hollywood story goes, he so cannot out himself.
Not because he cares about being famous. No, Toothy Tile Crotch is not. Instead, CUL is more concerned how his sexuality would hinder the roles he gets, 'cause he's now being taken oh so seriously. He loves acting—not the ritzy lifestyle that comes with it. He doesn't even care that much about hurting his beard (if Toothy outted himself, it would be very damning to the both of them, in many, many ways).
So what's a horny, dude-loving guy to do?
Sic his assistant on the unknowing gay population of Los Angles, natch. Only problem is the de-lish men in West Hollywood are totally starting to catch on—and they're blabbin' about it, too! Halle-homo-lujah!
Mr. Lastic's assistant frequents the standard WeHo gay bars, successfully luring back men for his famous master. Too funny: It's also the exact same dude-fishing MO Furrowed Frank uses when he has his trainer lure future conquests for him at the gym!
Only problem is, if said man isn't interested in hooking up with Crotch on the down-low, the guy has no reason not to spread it around to his gossip-lovin' friends. Seems pretty strange to us, as Mr. U.-L. is as hunky doable as they come.
And as sneaky as Crotch would like to be, more and more people 'round town are starting to hear about what goes down, literally, up in his Hollywood home. And it's not just poolside, folks.
Think any of these guys will out dear old Crotchy soon? Doubtful. With his adorable dimples, more men will jump at the chance to jump CUH and then shut up about it after than won't. But remember, it only takes one.

And it ain't: Alexander Skarsgard, Matthew Fox, Ryan Phillippe

Top guess: Still James Franco.


Links to the two previous Crotch Uh-Lastic blind vices are here: Aug 8, '08 including a full list of those eliminated, and the first from Aug 1, '08.
And here is the most recent - Oct 8, '10.

55 comments:

The Spie said...

First Toothy, then Judas, now Crotch Uh-Lastic. Is Ted starting to go into some Greatest Hits mode for the holidays or something?

I am happy that he's going back to the old faves, though. I wonder if the recent Solved blind about JT and Biel will give us a holiday serving of Chutney (and Jerry).

The Bored Account Manager said...

When was that one "solved" I totally missed it! I figured it was those too but didnt see it get confirmed.

Also what do the AIA's have in connection with James Franco? Just looking for the tie in. I thought it was him, too but sometimes the AIA throw me.

Brittany said...

Who would be James Franco's beard? Is he dating someone?

M said...

He's dating a girl named Ahna O'Reilly, has been for a while. She's an actress, did a movie called Herpes Boy according to Lainey.

Brittany said...

Thanks M, I was wondering if he still fit this one.

nissivm said...

To Brittany: I think Franco still matches like a glove! When i saw his picture with the beard on Laney (before Ted posted the BV) i was kinda "wth?", because in my head Crotch wasn´t on the beard game. So i questioned if Crotch was really him. And then, minutes after, comes this BV! It was like if Ted was reading my doubts, lol. I really think it´s Franco!

P.s.: where´s the Blind Item from Laney, that she posted yesterday? I´d like to discuss it with you guys, because the ONLY person i could think of was Dakota Fanning, but i SO DO NOT want that to be about her, since i´m such a fan!

Anonymous said...

The only problem about this being James Franco is that he says that Crotch is in West Hollywood...James is mainly based in NYC, taking classes and all.

Brittany said...

^^It doesn't say Crotch is in West Hollywood but his assistant frequents the gay bars there for him. Although that is a good argument about James being primarily on the east coast.

nissivm said...

Is it confirmed Franco lives in NY?

blurry vice said...

James Franco also has a place in the LA area.

The Spie said...

Hey, Blurry, you need to make an addition to the AIAs regarding Crotch. On August 27th, Ted eliminated Bradley Cooper, who's been a very popular guess elsewhere for this. He's not on the full AIA list here. Just wanted to mention this, considering how popular a guess Cooper is for any blind regarding closeted actors.

Anonymous said...

Can this not be Rob Patinson? The CUL thing (Cullen) and Kristin as his beard? And he's definitely in a spot to get any role he wants right now. He seems to have gay face to me...

Brittany said...

Isn't it weird that for each BV one of the AIA's name was a Matthew. Does anyone think it could be a clue?

duffgrl said...

He is NY-based BUT: Franco is (or very recently was) filming General Hospital- which I'm pretty sure films in LA.

Anonymous said...

He actually filmed GH in NY - he is studying at Columbia (I think) and possibly doing some Broadway? I don't think he's the one.

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
How come James Franco isn't really photographed much with his girlfriend unless he's on the red carpet? Every time the paparazzi catch him, he seems to be flying solo.
—Meliadames

Dear Shocker:
You mean to tell me celeb couples put on a show just for the cameras? You don't say..."

Anonymous said...

pretty sure this means CUL can't be James Franco, considering James has been very busy in NYC...

James seems to do what he wants anyway. I can't see him being told to stay in the closet.

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
I've always loved James Franco; I think he's a great actor and definitely an interesting interview. His SNL monologue was a little...off, shall we say? Was he sick or just coked out of his mind?
—Roma

Dear Fidgety Franco:
I liked his monologue! J.F. is just a little…off."

Anonymous said...

emile hirsch of "milk"? he's an a lister now since "into the wild" and "speed racer" almost 2 yrs .ago

blurry vice said...

To The Spie -

On Aug 27, Ted eliminated Bradley Cooper as Judas Jack Off. (Not Crotch Uh Lastic)

blurry vice said...

I know for a fact that JAmes Franco lives in the LA area at times.

GaGossip said...

Dear Ted:
I hope all is well. My doggy sends a friendly "woof" to your kids! I have two questions. Not sure if this has already been asked, but first question is: Do Toothy and Grey Goose actively raise Baby Tile, or was this a "sire" situation? (As in Toothy, uh, provided elements to help make the baby for a friend or family member who is raising the baby). Second, of all the closeted Blind Vices you've reported over the years, which one is most likely to come out?
—Sarah
Dear Tough Questions:
(a) Active; (b) My guess? Crotch Uh-Lastic.

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
I hope all is well. My doggy sends a friendly "woof" to your kids! I have two questions. Not sure if this has already been asked, but first question is: Do Toothy and Grey Goose actively raise Baby Tile, or was this a "sire" situation? (As in Toothy, uh, provided elements to help make the baby for a friend or family member who is raising the baby). Second, of all the closeted Blind Vices you've reported over the years, which one is most likely to come out?
—Sarah

Dear Tough Questions:
(a) Active; (b) My guess? Crotch Uh-Lastic."

blurry vice said...

http://www.eonline.com/uberblog/the_awful_truth/b163531_hotties_franco_hamm_fired_up_over_prop_8.html

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Is it just me, or is James Franco popping up everywhere? He has been on soap operas, SNL and 30 Rock...does he just really like to work or is he doing some damage control for certain same-sex rumors?
—Curious

Dear Omnipresent:
He was also everywhere at Sundance. However, ask yourself this: If James Franco wanted to control same-sex rumors, why would he choose to play gay men in both Milk and Howl? Like, uh, you don't exactly see Tom Cruise signing up to play Truman Capote, do ya? "

blurry vice said...

http://www.eonline.com/uberblog/the_awful_truth/b165696_caught_james_franco_makes_elevator.html

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Do you know if any of your closeted Blind Vices are planning to come out anytime in the near future? ('Cause I would love that!)
—Roman

Dear Come Out Already!:
Possibly, just possibly, Toothy Tile and Crotch Uh-Lastic."

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Is Crotch Uh-Lastic very busy these days? Too busy to play bad bathers with other men?
—Tarq

Dear Catch-up:
Crotch (and his crotch) are always busy. "

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
I am a mixed-breed rescue dog who's hopelessly loved and spoiled by my owner. My owner says I'm the best dog ever. I know I'm reward enough, but can you throw my owner a bone (get it?) about one of your Blind Vices? My owner's a bit addicted to Blind Vices. Take your pick. All my owner asks is that it be about one of the 30 and up crowd, because she's not as familiar with the young cool stars as she used to be. Gotta go pester the (rescue) cat now.
—Ginger

Dear Barkin' for some Gossip:
Crotch Uh-Lastic will so beat Toothy Tile in the coming-out battle—in fact, Crotch has been been pretty much saying it in the press, if you read between the lines. Now, go give your owner a nice big poop, everyone will feel better, promise!"

Read more: http://www.eonline.com/uberblog/the_awful_truth/b172891_bitch-back_will_justin_cameron_reunite.html#ixzz0j0mfUkoP

blurry vice said...

http://lezgetreal.com/?p=32825

"Dear Ted:
There's a rumor going around that James Franco has been dodging the question of whether he's gay or not during Tribeca festival. These rumors have been going on for ages. I do not expect you to out him if he is, but the female population of the world ought to know, is there any truth in this rumor? What's its origin? Can't take this anymore!
—Ariel

Dear Cleared Up:
James may have dodged questions about his sexuality, but he isn't scared of roles that address gay issues—Milk or Howl, anyone? James was doing a press junket for his movie, not an interview with In Touch—that's why he didn't answer. Doesn't it make you heart him even more?"

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
I'm the mom of one adorable daughter and two rescue kitties. I am also a huge fan of your Blind Vice column. I was wondering is Jackie Bouffant James Franco? I've seen pictures of him from a recent film festival and yikes! He had to be on something! Could you give me a hint? Thanks!
—B in Cincinnati

Dear J2:
Close babe, but James isn't Jackie. J.F. has a Vice all of his own, though, any guesses what it is?"

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Greetings from across the pond! We Brits love E! News and yourself, and follow your column religiously. I was just wondering—hypothetically, if I was to have a pretty precise guess who Crotch-Uh-Lastic is—is there any way he is not exclusively gay and, say, bi? Because I've a feeling that he's the kind of person who'd fall for someone based on who they are, rather than what's their gender. Please correct me if I'm wrong. P.S My new, beautiful, rescued kitten says hi, and she's a big Crotch-Uh-Lastic fan, too!
—Miss

Dear Brians not Beauty:
Just because Crotch has more going on upstairs than most of Hollywood doesn't mean he's a total brainiac. Sorry babe, but good personality or not C-U-L loves the peen."

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Can you please give me a hint on James Franco's Blind Vice? He is such a great actor and super hot! Thanks a bunch, love ya!
—Sandy

Dear Being Franc:
Let's just say one of J.F.'s Vicey qualities is how tedious he is. Deliciously so, of course."

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
I love six degrees of Awful Truth! I really wish you'd play this game more often. How 'bout if I start? Chet Chick Muncher and Strawberry Snort'Em—do they know each other very well? Carnally well? And Crotch Uh-Lastic and Crescent Kumquat—do you think Crescent would be scared of Crotch? I imagine CUL has a heck of a 'come-hither' smile. Fey Oiled Tush and Hard Nipple Nick—do you think Nick would lend Fey his pilot?
—Michael

Dear Q&A:
No. Yes. Maybe"

blurry vice said...

http://www.eonline.com/uberblog/the_awful_truth/b185749_caught_james_franco
_goes_gayagain.html

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Just wanted you to know that not all dog breeders are evil. My boxer, Sammy, came from a very responsible breeder. We signed a contract with her that requests that we bring our dog back to her if we ever need to give him up for any reason. She will keep him or find another home for him. My question is: Out of all of the closeted Blind Vices, who do you think will be the most likely to come out first?
—Pookie

Dear Homo-Anxious:
Crotch Uh-Lastic, without a doubt. And, sweetheart, it's not that all dog-breeders are evil—it's the evil that their existence creates. Millions of healthy and wonderful animals are not being adopted at shelters and, consequently, are being euthanized (a fancy word for killed, just to make humans feel better about the horrors they're doing) every year. Often this is because people go to dog breeders and puppy stores, instead. Clearly, there should be a law that no dogs are allowed to be bred until all shelter animals have been saved. That's my opinion."

blurry vice said...

http://www.eonline.com/uberblog/the_awful_truth/b188270_should_james_franco_be_next_
action_star.html

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Couldn't help but notice James Franco was overlooked in the All-American heartthrob category...perhaps almost too obvious a choice, with the James Dean reference! Everyone in T-town and beyond can imagine Franco is potentially all kinds of crazy (what with his manic approach to work, school, everything)...This makes me wonder: Does this intensity extend into his personal life? Does he even have time to do anything Vice-worthy?
—M

Dear Francfurter:
Oh, absolutely. James is a little bit wild, a little bit crazy, a little bit country, rock and roll, etc. Lots of what he would consider normal is, frankly, Vice-worthy to most other people."

blurry vice said...

http://www.eonline.com/uberblog/the_awful_truth/b195284_james_franco_twi-hard_master_manipulator.html

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
I'm in my death bed, blind in one eye from damage suffered due to prolonged hours reading your blog trying to figure out who Toothy Tile is (my nurse typed this email). I've given up on Toothy, but all I want from life is one night with Crotch Uh-Lastic. Any chance Crotch swings a little toward the other side of the fence or might enjoy a trip there if the grass was green and fresh enough on the other side?
—Dying to Know

Dear Kicked in the Crotch:
Love, Crotch Uh-Lastic is as gay as they come. He practically came out of the womb waving a rainbow flag."

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Is Crotch Uh-Lastic strictly a silver screen star?
—Ranya

Dear Crotch Grab:
No."

nissivm said...

Dear Ted:
So, Toothy Tile and Crotch Uh-Lastic. My two favorite gays. Ever bumped uglies or had the same beard?
—Poopsie

Dear Beard and Weird:
What a pretty pic, but no. And Crotch doesn't do the beard thing, remember.


--
See, i can no longer agree Crotch is Franco. I mean, Ted has already stated Crotch is strictly gay, and don´t play the beard game. So, how can he be Franco, that has a long time girlfriend? I seriously think we need to try and find another alternatives for both Franco and Crotch!

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
I have to admit, I'm going through a James Franco obsession right now. He seems just flat-out crazy. So crazy it's really hot. What's your take on him? Is he for real, or just really good at effing with everyone, including the media? Pretentious moron or ahead of his time?
—In Need of a Cold Shower

Dear Hot and Bothered:
Can't it be just a little bit of both?"

blurry vice said...

nissivm - I posted that comment under the Aug 2008 Crotch BV. Ted contradicted himself big time. Read the Aug 2008 BV "closted stars are dummies". Ted said specifically that Crotch has a female significant other, that suddenly he is seen out with more.

blurry vice said...

Also in this BV also Ted said that Crotch "doesn't want to hurt his beard's feelings".

Ted definitely made a huge error, because we have two blind vices that days he DOES have a beard or at least DID in Aug 2008 and Nov 2009.

nissivm said...

Blurry: Gosh, you´re right, i had completely forgot about those, and was only foccusing on the more recent stuff. Ted is so full of crap, it´s ridiculous. I wonder if he deserves any credibility at all or his bvs are just total bs...

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Have Toothy Tile and Crotch Uh-Lastic ever starred in a movie together? Wouldn't that be dreamy? Do you think they'd have the chops to do a remake of Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid? I'm sure we'll never see them in a Making Love, but damn wouldn't that be hot?
—M

Dear Closeted Costars:
When we first introduced good old Crotchy, he hadn't starred alongside T2 and, sadly, that's still the case. Both actors are ├╝ber-talented and have the chops to remake pretty much anything. And, M, if it makes you feel better, Crotch would be so down for a Making Love remake. Not over Toothy's dead body would he agree to it though."

blurry vice said...

I wrote to TEd to clear up the beard issue.

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
It's getting harder and harder to take anything you say on your B.V.s seriously, since you contradict yourself so many times—it's like you can't even keep track of the stuff you make up. Crotch Uh-Lastic, for that matter. In his second B.V. you said Crotch was doing just like Toothy and selling his fauxmance to the media. Now, you say Crotch doesn't play the beard game. So, which one is it? Maybe you're saying that he used to have a beard but decided not to do that anymore? So can we assume Crotch doesn't have a (fake or not) GF right now? I hope you can explain that. Otherwise, I'll just take that you are full of BS, after all, and I've been naive all this time.
—Losing Faith

Dear Jump The Gun:
Calm down, babe. Don't you know everything is more complicated when it comes to these homo-lovin' hunks (especially Crotchy for that matter). See, if you're getting technical, then Crotch does indeed play the bearding game, but not like Toothy—at least not anymore. Gone are the days of CUL pimping out his pretty other half. Instead, he's more than happy for everyone to think he is completely single, which a lot of people actually do. I don't consider that "playing the beard game." At least, not well."

blurry vice said...

"http://www.eonline.com/uberblog/the_awful_truth/b196243_everybody_loves_yummy_james_franco.html

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Do you talk about the following B.V. subjects much under their real names: Crescent Kumquat, Judas Jack-Off, Dashed Dingle-Dream, Crotch Uh-Lastic and Grey Goose?
—Chaz

Dear Recent Appearances:
Hmmm...Crescent's been mentioned on and off lately. Not much from Judas or Dashed. Crotchy's recently been featured, but then again, he's always been here and there, lurking around. And I think that's all I'll tell you for now."

blurry vice said...

http://www.eonline.com/uberblog/the_awful_truth/b201529_can_james_franco_talk_about_anything_sex.html

blurry vice said...

http://www.eonline.com/uberblog/the_awful_truth/b203142_james_franco_ready_adderall_sm.html

blurry vice said...

http://www.laineygossip.com/James_Franco_covers_Candy_Magazine_in_drag_.aspx?CatID=0&CelID=0

blurry vice said...

http://www.eonline.com/uberblog/the_awful_truth/b204205_can_you_recognize_movie_star_in_drag.html

ad