Thursday, November 26, 2009

Blind Vice! One Doozy of an Extramarital Affair

Happy Thanksgiving! This one was from Ted yesterday 11/25 -

Blind Vice! One Doozy of an Extramarital Affair

Enough with the skanky, closeted "straight" movie stars out getting photographed with their pretend girlfriends while doing guys on the side.

This week we're goin' back to those sneaky heterosexuals who originally wrote the book on cheating on their partners, not to mention the public!

Quidget and Bridget Barks-a-Little are a Hollywood dream couple, as in they both do it all with darling personalities and multitalented careers. And oh, aren't they gorgeous to look at, too, what with their sweet smiles and even sweeter kiddies?

Then there's the much darker celeb duo known as Harry and La-Feelya Fun-Tanked, an amazingly hard-partying twosome who are much better known for their combative social and cohabitation skills than they are for any picture of domestic bliss.

I mean, most folks don't even know Harry and La-Feelya have kids, that's how much their domestic side is never played in the press—or any place else, for that matter. White-picket-fence types they're so not.

So isn't it so interesting that La-Feelya, who's still awesome-looking with her curves and cat-like attraction, and who has pretty much decided she's had it with too-far-gone Harry, just recently set her sights on a bacon-earner with a little more, how shall we say, predictability (i.e., steady paycheck and richly rewarded career)? Yep.

So much so that...

La-Feelya just went whole horny hog on the poor Quidget (who's marginally handsome) and seduced the crap outta him—almost literally! Quidget almost forgot sex could be this hot again! Which explains, of course, why he and La-Feelya have decided to leave their respective families and hook up together, permanently. So glad to know it's not only the gays who make dumbass decisions after a few really hot nights in bed!

Only one little prob: Quidget and La-Feelya haven't told their spouses yet. Ouch.

Wonder if this heartbreak will actually come to pass? Something tells me that once Bridget Barks-a-Lot finds out what her ordinarily soft-spoken hubby's been up to, she's gonna call up every soccer mom she can for a little sympathy. Then she's going to see to it that every cent of her family's money will never be touched by slinky La-Feelya's slim and very gorgeous fingers.

In fact, I guarantee it.

So, here's what I predict: Once Quidget tells Bridget of his departure intentions (which I hear he's planning on doing momentarily), he will be knocked so far back on his slightly soft ass he'll just as quickly beg Bridget to forget it—he just can't go through with it all, breaking up his family like that.

But it will be too late. Bridget ain't the type of gal to go for that weakass apologetic crap. She'll want out for good. It's a certainty.

Oh, and what's Harry doing through all of this turmoil, you ask?

Just getting high. He doesn't care either way, really.

And it ain't: Tom Cruise & Katie Holmes, Sting & Trudie Styler, Jerry O'Connell & Rebecca Romijn


* Update 1/5/10: None of the couples are Susan Sarandon/Tim Robbins, Kate Winslet/Sam Mendes.

La-Feelya is not Heidi Fleiss, Drea DeMateo, Kyra Sedgwick.

Harry is not Shooter Jennings, Kevin Bacon.

Bridget is not Felicity Huffman.

Quidget is not William H. Macy.

68 comments:

blurry vice said...

There are SO many possibilities and combinations for these couples. We are going to need a lot of hints from Ted.

For some reason I was picturing Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale for the happy couple with cute kids. She is multi talented and he is a quiet type.

Anonymous said...

I was thinking Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner for Quidget and Bridget... they're well-liked and always seen in family bliss... No ideas for the Fun-Tanked couple except maybe Matthew McConaughey because of the high thing...

Whitney said...

Am I the only person who thought of Will Smith and Jada Pinckett for couple #1? Will has a pretty wholesome image, what with his action/comedy films and noncussing rap lyrics. Along those lines, both are multi-talented, with acting and rap/singing careers, and their kids are adorable, and Will was in that one movie with his son. Also, I don't see Jada taking any crap. I don't know, just throwing that out there since no one has guessed that yet...

Whitney said...

Am I the only person who thought of Will Smith and Jada Pinckett for couple #1? Will has a pretty wholesome image, what with his action/comedy films and noncussing rap lyrics. Along those lines, both are multi-talented, with acting and rap/singing careers, and their kids are adorable, and Will was in that one movie with his son. Also, I don't see Jada taking any crap. I don't know, just throwing that out there since no one has guessed that yet...

Brittany said...

Will Smith already has his own BV.

Anonymous said...

I immediately thought of Matthew Broderick and Sarah Jessica Parker for couple #1. He fits the clues - average looking and kind of soft.

Anonymous said...

i thought of jen and ben 2 for couple 1 but i've no idea who could be couple 2, more hints please and thank you :-)

Anonymous said...

i thought of jen and ben 2 for couple 1 but i've no idea who could be couple 2, more hints please and thank you :-)

Anonymous said...

Quidget & Bridget = Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin. We all know he has step out before and the whole family money thing. I'm not sure who Harry & La-Feelya are. Need more clues.

Anonymous said...

I have a feeling that Ted would classify Chris Martin (and Gavin Rossdale & Will Smith, for that matter) as more than just "marginally handsome". I don't have any great guesses, though. Sorry.

jittacatgirl said...

SJP and Broderick aren't exactly domestic bliss recently, though he does qualify as multitalented. I was think Courtnet Cox and David Arquette, though they only have 1 kiddy.

Anonymous said...

What about Megan Fox & Brian Austin Green for couple #2? BAG has a 7 year old son, and they fit many of the other details.

jittacatgirl said...

I was thinking Halle Berry. Curves and "cat-like" attraction (Catwoman), with a partner who doesn't have a steady paycheck. Is she a partier though?

duffgrl said...

for couple #1: either Tim McGraw/Faith Hill or Jen Garner?Ben Affleck. #2 not sure but Megan Fox/BAG is a good guess!

Megan said...

#1 Kate Beckinsdale & Len Weisman

Anonymous said...

I'm thinking Judd Apatow and Leslie Mann are a possible match for Quidget and Bridget.

Anonymous said...

i don't think halle berry for #2 - her and the boyfriend (gabriel?) seem very happy and calm and not the outright partying or combative types. she's also become very baby-centric since having her daughter - she's constantly photographed with her - most people are very aware she has a child.

I immediately thought jen and ben for #1, except Ted wouldn't call ben "marginally handsome", would he?

i like gwyneth and chris for #1 - esp. since the AIA includes sting & trudie styler, hinting towards the U.K. Also - I think Chris is quite awkward looking - not typically handsome.

Anonymous said...

OMG!! Kevin Bacon and Kyra Sedgwick?? "bacon earner." OMG!

Anonymous said...

Beckhams for no. 1? Mentions "soccer moms" and him being "softly spoken" which he def is. Maybe "marginally handsome" is Ted trying to throw ys off the scent?
Only prob is she has taken him back before after an affair.
Think Megan & BAG for #2 is good guess, she is v cat like.

blurry vice said...

Can't be Megan Fox and BAG. They don't have kids!

Anonymous said...

"who's still awesome-looking with her curves"

Note "still" for La-Feelya...this would imply someone older...Megan Fox is a good guess but she is in her early 20's non?

What about Michelle Pfeiffer? She is older, still attractive and cat like (she played cat woman). She is married to David E. Kelley....though I don't really recall hearing a lot of negative press about their relationship.

Anonymous said...

I am obsessed with this blind. I think Kate Moss (or Katie Price?? Don't know much about her) for LaFeelya, because of the 'catlike' reference (kat-kat) the ref to slim, and the It Ain'ts--Rebecca Romijn, former model, Trudie/Sting, from the UK. The only thing is, LaFeelya is tall and slim and Kate is only 5'6", also, the blind implies Kate and Harry have a child together and I doubt this refers to Jamie Hince since she's been apart from him for so long. I dislike guessing obvious couples but the Beckhams do seem like contenders except Mr. Beckhams ass does not seem like it would be the least bit soft. Unless, he loofahs and mouisturizes...hmm.

Anonymous said...

What about David Duchovny and Tea Leoni for Harry and La-Feelya? I know that Duchovny was Sylvester Slimeball, but Ted revealed that. So in theory, he could get a new nickname now.

Duchovny does have a steady paycheck (Californication), but his career is nowhere near as promising (or as profitable, most likely) as it was when they first got together. They had been separated, but they are now back together, I believe.

Tea is in her mid-forties, but still looks great. "Cat-like attraction" could be a reference to her last name - Leoni:Leo:Lion.

I have no idea, really, but I do find it reasonable that Leoni could be just about done with Duchovny.

Anonymous said...

Ben is starting to bald and get chunky. I can't even believe I am the first to say that, so Ben and Jen work for couple 1.

Couple 2 screams

Anonymous said...

I'll post here, because I can no longer access the link to Lainey's Cuba & Chocolate:

Chocolate has just been exposed as none other than Mr. George Clooney:

Blind Vice: The other is much less attached, but just as heterosexually pressured, perhaps even more so. While he’s best known for his female pursuits, and so many females need to believe it that way, it would seem that women are not his only pleasures. When he decides he has a yearning for the other sex however, his flavour is decidedly darker. Sweet chocolate is what they call it? Yes. Black men are his weakness. On occasion, his hankering for it can get him into trouble. He was recently captivated by a fine black man working security at an event who was, unfortunately, not a homosexual. Apparently our star doesn’t have a very sophisticated gaydar because he hit up the wrong dude who did not appreciate the attention, even coming from such a powerful and coveted celebrity. He almost had his ass kicked. His people had to intervene, placate the man, pay off the man… although if he did end up getting the beat-down, he probably would have liked it. Because word is, as time goes on, he’s leaning towards picking a side. Like playing exclusively for the boys team.

Recent clues from today: When it comes to George, nothing is weird. He likes it flavoured, he likes it numbered, and if he likes it shared, and everyone else likes to share too, then let him have his fun. It really is a charmed life. Doesn’t get much better than George Clooney’s life.

And this from the other day, on whether or not Elisabetta is cheating on George: She is many things, but she is not stupid. The others before her? The Sarah Larsons of the world? They were stupid. You don’t get to where Canalis has gotten by being stupid. So it’s doubtful that she’s being unfaithful. Is your smutty sense tingling? Because mine is. Who’s to say she’s not sharing Seerdorf’s friendship with George? Perhaps he’s a wonderful conversationalist. Maybe they have the same preferences. This is how she keeps it interesting, see?

Note: Seerdorf is black, or chocolate...

Anonymous said...

Right to the PP, and she ID'd Hugh Jackman as Cuba. "kindest, nicest, most generous" in a post a few weeks ago.

Anonymous said...

JLO and Marc for the Fun-Tanked? They're not hard partying but...

curves
"bacon-earner" & "horny hog"- Marc Anthony's 1st wife infamously called J Lo a pig when she found out about her wedding to Marc only a few days after their divorce
"seduced the crap"- there was a rumor that J Lo had her mike once when her & Ben hooked up and made a comment about a poop fiasco during anal sex

jittacatgirl said...

But everyone knows JLo and Marc have kids. That was one of the most widely publicized births in the history of the WORLD.

Anonymous said...

Tobey Maguire and Jennifer Meyer? Can't figure out which woman's family has $$$....

Anonymous said...

What about Diane Lane and Josh Brolin for couple #2?

Anonymous said...

maybe one of these is tiger woods. the second one.

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Is La-Feelya Fun-Tanked a current or former model? Please, please, please answer me. This one is driving me crazy!
—I like old folks

Dear Bonkers:
Not professionally, at least. Think less obvious in her struttings."

Anonymous said...

"Quid" refers, maybe, to English currency. They refer to their money as quids. An english fellow, married to a wealthy woman (gwenyth)? I don't know about #2!

duffgrl said...

I like the Diane Lane/Josh Brolin guess for #2.
For the person who decided to talk about Cuba&Chocolate on this topic(?): Just search it on our site and it comes up. Don't think you need to discuss it on an unrelated topic.

Anonymous said...

From Ted's BB today:

"Dear Ted:
Has La-Feelya Fun-Tanked ever been in a movie in which her character has an extramarital affair?
—SS
Dear Finding Out:
Nope. She's not exactly an actress first, if you get what I mean."

This makes me think she's a stripper or a porn star... He also said something the other day about how she's not a model, but "think less obvious in her struttings."

I'm thinking maybe Pam Anderson? You definitely don't think of her kids first... or someone like Carmen Electra or Jenna Jameson, but neither of them are married (anymore)...

Anonymous said...

Harry Hamlin - Lisa Rinna..? too obvious..? :(

Anonymous said...

What about Ice-T and Coco for Harry and La-Feelya?

jayjay said...

couple no.2 could be christina aguilera and her hubby it would make sense curvaceous never seen out with their baby always at parties

The Spie said...

Anon 12/5 4:50: I said that Harry and LaFeelya were Ice-T and Coco half-jokingly at another site. Now, with the latest Ted clue for LaFeelya, I'm starting to believe it.

Anonymous said...

I like the Ice-Coco guess, too! Ice has 2 kids...

Anonymous said...

But would anyone say that Coco is "awesome looking"? I definitely don't think she is, and I don't think Ted would either... I think we're along the right lines with her trashiness though

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Has La-Feelya Fun-Tanked ever been in a movie in which her character has an extramarital affair?
—SS

Dear Finding Out:
Nope. She's not exactly an actress first, if you get what I mean."

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Is La-Feelya Heidi Fleiss? If not does she have a similar occupation?
—Sonia

Dear Not So Much:
La-Feelya's profession is legal in more states than one."

EverSoCurious said...

I think that Harry must be a musician One that hasn't released an album in a while.

David & Jennifer said...

Ted just said Harry is a musician and no one would be surprised about his drug use.

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Is Harry Fun-Tanked a musician and would anyone be shocked to learn of his drug habit?
—Ilikeoldfolks

Dear Singing Detective:
Yes and no."

Jubbs_uk said...

on anothe board drea de matteo & shooter jennings were mentioned and i think they kinda fit couple 2? (harry & la-feelya)

EverSoCurious said...

I don't think it could be Drea since La-Feelya is not an actress.

Jubbs_UK said...

thanks i had totally missed that from ted..oh well back to the drawing board...

so La_feelya could be some sort of reality twit, maybe?(sorry i just refuse to call them stars)

not a hooker, not a model and not an actress and music seems more harrys profession and ted does point to her having a "profession"

Jubbs_UK said...

scrap that reality thng as if that was the case we'd know about the kids!

Anonymous said...

Katie Price and Peter Andre for the fun-tanks? They aren't officially divorced yet.

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Hope you're feeling better. I think Harry and La-Feelya Fun-Tanked are Drea de Matteo and Shooter Jennings. And I think Bridget and Quidget are William H. Macy and Felicity Huffman. Am I right? Also, Natalie "Free Polanski/Eating Meat Equals Rape" Portman is a role model? I respectfully disagree. From the quotes listed above, she seems to have a skewed sense of right and wrong. If a person is a vegetarian, then good for them, and I respect your passion and choice. I would not, however, compare anyone who doesn't agree with my view to a rapist. Your thoughts?
—Rtsew

Dear Silent but Deadly:
Darling, I love where your naughty head is at with those Blind Vice guesses. I think you're the first person with enough guts to guess all four? Wish I could say you were right...but you're not, sorry! And yeah, I think Portman was way off with those comments, too. I'd say she's a role model in other areas, though. Stars, just like husbands (and wives), make mistakes."

Anonymous said...

Could the first couple be Kevin Bacon and Kierra Sedgewick and the second couple be Michelle Pfiefer and her Tv producer/writer spouse?

Anonymous said...

I think Ted was being sneaky...it sounded to me like ALL FOUR weren't right (Drea/Shooter/Felicity/Wm), but that doesn't mean one of the couples isn't right...I still think Drea/Shooter fit

Anonymous said...

Hey did anyone see today that Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins have split?
Anyone else like them for couple number one?

Jaclyn said...

I noticed that too and immediately thought of this blind!

Anonymous said...

i agree with "anonymous said..." sounds like tim robbins and susan sarandon. so... i wonder who the new girl is. guess we will find out sooner or later

Emmy said...

Yep Sarandon and Robbins for couple no. one I guess it won't be too long to see who Robbins hooked up with.

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
So love of my Internet life, I have some guesses for you. Harry and La Feelya Fun Tanked....Kevin Bacon and Kyra Sedgwick? Smokey Shooter...Ashton Kutcher. Judas Jack-Off....Hugh Jackman. Am I close?
—Scorned Sunshine

Dear Fun Guesses:
Oh so wrong on the Fun Tanked couple...Kevin and Kyra are too normal to be Vices. As for Hugh Jackman, you've got the wrong Vice, dollface! Think less hunky, fer shizzles."

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Are you surprised with Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins' breakup? They seemed solid.
—Mary

Dear Sorry, But…
I wasn't exactly surprised."

Sophie S. said...

I'm not convinced that Susan and Tim are part of this blind. Susan and Tim couldn't be Bridget and Quidget because they're not really known for having sweet kids and sweet smiles. They're both quite serious, plus I don't see Susan as a soccer mom and Susan is the one who is being linked to other men now. I don't think they could be the Funk-tankeds either. They're not known for being combative with each other, Tim is not a musician, and people know they have kids because their daughter is an actress.
PS. sorry this turned into a novel.

cassandra said...

i think gwen stefani and gavin rossdale for bridget and quidget and charlie sheen and brooke mueller for harry and la-feelya funtanked. im more certain of the charlie and brooke guess

Sophie S. said...

Charlie isnt a musician, though, or is he?

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
In recent months we've seen some big splits—namely Susan and Tim and Kate and Sam. So tell me...are either of these once-awesome couples Quidget and Bridget Barks-a-Little or Harry and La-Feelya Fun-Tanked?
–Lily

Dear Close:
I want you to be right! Really I do. But I'm gonna have to go with no."

Gabby said...

ooo cassandra i like your charlie sheen-brooke mueller guess!! they're totally known to party a lot... especially after this whole domestic abuse debacle.

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
I'm not sure if nobody's asking or you're not telling, but I'm still dying to know who Quidget and Bridget Barks-a-Little and Harry and La-Feelya Fun-Tanked are! Are La-Feelya and Quidget still messing around? Have they told their respective spouses about their relationship? If so, has Bridget thrown Quidget to the curb like you said she would? So many questions...I'd love one or more answers. Smooches!
—Lily

Dear Cheater Cheater:
Yes. Yes (but not all). No. Smooches back!"

Hexicon said...

The Cox-Arquettes for Bridget and Quidget? (Except he said kids in the plural.)

Laura said...

When I read about the Cox-Arquettes, I immediately thought of this blind. Especially given the dramatic split of their friends, Laura Dern and Ben Harper at about the same time. However, I don't know much about the latter to really make it an educated guess.

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