Vintage BV: Stanley Manly

Here's one that was suspected to be about Hugh Hefner -

One Nearly Hairless Blind Vice - July 13, 2005

Oh, not really, I guess, as I've heard this same-sex scuttlebutt about Stanley Manly for years. Just never believed. Until now. But, per usual, I'm getting ahead of myself.
Historically, Stan is one of Hollywood's premier cocksmen, digits down. Right and left, S.M. always seems to be out and about, givin' the ol' boudoir eyes to his myriad booby-dolls. He's photographed at H-town's hipper enclaves, always with at least one or two (female) pretties by his svelte side.
At home, it's not necessarily a different story. Through the years, S.M. has bedded probably as many women as Joan Rivers has offended. And then some.
But, that was then. Nowadays, Mr. M. trots on back to his fancy-ass digs and promptly ditches the dames. He then puts on something more casual to wear, maybe a little mood music. Goes on up to his massive bedroom, which is equipped with every sexual aid one could imagine. But, all Stan needs is his trusty ol' hand. For himself.
Because, these days, Stan prefers to watch. Young boys. And don't go getting any Michael Jackson ideas here, sweetheart, these girly-looking guys are of age, to be sure.
Barely.
(Oh, and Stan the Man's name is not mentioned in this week's column. I see to it that he rarely is. Always thought there was something pretty fake about this weirdo.)
And it ain't: Matthew McConaughey, Verne Troyer, Owen Wilson

Also eliminated: Bruce Willis, Matthew Perry, Luke Wilson, Jack Nicholson

Top suspect: Hugh Hefner

One Signed, Sealed and Debauched Blind Vice

New from Ted:

One Signed, Sealed and Debauched Blind Vice
It's really one of Hollywood's best-kept secrets—right up there with what exactly went down between Tom and Nicole. And yes, if you're smelling a pooftah about to be (almost) outted here, then, babycakes, you are correct. Besides, I gave you all a het vice last week about how skank-a-thon you straight married folks can be, 'kay?
For the ribald record, do you all have any idea how hard it is to find surreptitious heterosexual effed-up behavior in this town? It's ridiculous! No one hides that crap in T-town! You straight Neanderthals are so proud of treating women like they so often treat themselves (starvation, mutilation, etc.). It's all the closeted fagolas who are worth writing about.
Take Petered Metered, for ince. He's, like, so famous for screwing everything that's boobalicous, always female, always a very broad-type o' broad, too. Know what I mean? P.M. truly loves the attention all this lady-killin' affords him, the more visible, the better. The more curvaceous, even more better!
A little obvious for my tastes, but in a town where a woman can still keep their kids and have a career comeback less than a year after they go bald-headed wacko, what the ef do I know about subtleties?
Obviously, not nearly as much as does Mr. Metered, who has it expressly written into the contracts with his girlfriends (yes, you read correctly) that they're supposed to go on and on not just about Metered's prowess, but his damn annoying wandering eye, too. It's all for effect. Just so the gullible public doesn't quit buying his product, which affords P.M. mucho purchased playtime with the—you know what's coming here, hons—the boys 'n' the toys. Lots of toys and gadgets and drugs and gels and porn and…jeez, doesn't anybody just have plain ol' sex anymore?
And it ain't: Sylvester Stallone, Colin Farrell, Matthew McConaughey

* Update 10/2 - Ted has eliminated Hugh Dancy, Mario Lopez, P-Diddy, John Mayer.

*** Our top suspect: Hugh Hefner
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