Vintage BV: Pete Poked, Charmaine Chuck-Up

Since Ted mentioned Pete Poked in his column recently, we're bringing back another one of his oldies...

One Reserved-Parking Blind Vice - Sept 7, 2006

Another Hollywood bustup. Boo-freakin'-hoo. Excuse me if I'm not exactly cryin' into my hanky. In this town, where relationships last about as long as lunchtime Botox sessions, peeps who manage to stay together are the real newsworthy ones, don't you all think? Anyhow, I never really thought Pete Poked and Charmaine Chuck-Up were such hot 'n' heavy lovebirds in the first place.

I mean, you can't place your Prius in a spot that's already taken, can you? 'Course not! Kinda like how Char-love couldn't possibly be the stylish ride of choice for Petey's daredevil desires, 'cause he's already had a serious shotgun boyfriend for quite sometime. Yes, that's right: Just like Toothy and so many of the friggin' rest of 'em, P2 likes the boys, not the girls--no matter how thin or pretty or pouty they may be.

I'm told this par-tick tight boyish twosome enjoys sportin' weekend jaunts to the mountains, where they can hit the slopes and canoodle by candlelight far, far away from those pesky papa-Nazis. Wonder if Charmaine recently found out about these little snowy va-cays and went berserk, hence their recent bustup?

Or maybe she knew about them all along and is just dumping him now that her face has become so gaunt, she can't even fake the fake no more? Note to snitty types: Eat! Or your emoting capabilities nosedive, as it were.

And it ain't: Jennifer Aniston/Vince Vaughn, Tori Spelling/Dean McDermott, or Jessica Simpson/John Mayer

Also eliminated - Tobey Maguire, Charlize Theron/Stuart Townsend, Joel Madden/Hillary Duff

Top suspects - Orlando Bloom/Kate Bosworth, Jude Law/Sienna Miller, Leonardo DiCaprio, Gisele Bundchen

Here is the other vintage BV in which Pete Poked is mentioned.

Vintage: Harland Fuss & Grimy Gus

Ted mentioned a few old Blind Vices in his column today and a reader request we dig them up. Here you go!

OCT 2004 - One Boyishly Beyond Blind Vice

Oh, you thought we were done with the puerile penis set, didja? Hardly.

No, we still need to zero in on Grimy Gus and Harland Fuss (or as they're known to their most secretive of buds, Gussy 'n' Fussy). G. 'n' F. have been on location recently. Well, one of them has, at least. Don't think too many folks know that Fuss has joined his good bud Gus for a little mattress messin'.

But I do! (And now you vicarious folks do, too--how fab!)

Look, I'm the first to give a hearty shout-out to two guys who want to do what they want, sexually speaking. But when both--all right, make that one--of these men go to great lengths to make the public believe he's bedding down with rising supersweet starlet Eartha Bertha, well then, I get a little pissy.

Although it sure was romantic when Gus 'n' Fuss went to such a Secret Service-defying to-do while Gus was out of the States (in a film-friendly environment) making his latest butch-it-up celluloid job.

Public lobby and elevator trips at the sumptuous Springtime Suites hotel with Fuss 'n' Eartha were arranged. Photographers just happened to be around, sorta the same way Rock Hudson lived his whole fake life. But I'm getting terribly off the point here, aren't I?

Back to the boys: It really is a modern-day Romeo + Romeo + Juliet story, if ya think about it.

Only the gullible public's the one taking the poison...

And it ain't: Ben Affleck & Matt Damon, Robin Williams & Dustin Hoffman (dressed as Tootsie and Mrs. Doubtfire in the picture), George Clooney &  Mark Wahlberg

 * Also excluded as of 8/30/10 - Tobey Maguire, Leonardo DiCaprio, Gisele Bunchen, Joaquin Phoenix, John Krasinski, Ryan Reynolds, Jerry O'Connell, Jensen Ackles, Jared Padalecki.


* Top Suspects in 2004 were: Orlando Bloom/Viggo Mortensen/Kate Bosworth

* Here is the link to the new Harland Fuss BV from August 2010.