One Shooting Star Blind Vice

New BV from Ted Casablanca - Awful Truth from Eonline -

One Shooting Star Blind Vice

Brain-Fry Noodlestein's completely brilliant at what he does—or rather, did. Dude's throwing it all away—friends, family, well-respected career—'cause he's hooked on the hard stuff. Much harder stuff than Smokey Shooter would ever consider.

Heroin, babes. And lots of it.

Think the well-worn veins of lascivious ladies Fake à La Ferocity and Morgan Mayhem have the hard drug market cornered in H'wood? Please, Brain-Fry's beating them at their own miserable game, and he's barely even trying. But his buds sure as hell are:

BFN's best amigos, understandably, are up all night either worrying about their depressed friend or following his every move, just in case he hits even lower—an overdose? Jail time?

It's all a likely possibility with Noodle's don't-give-a-damn behavior. They thoughtnothing compared to seeing Brain-F injecting H right in front of 'em, which is now a matter, of course, for the iconoclast dude.

Makes us seriously suspect how much these so-called friends care about Brainy's livelihood—or life—they'd already seen him at his worst (professionally, at least, as did many others). But it was when they could easily nab the drugs out of his shaky hands. But knowing BFN, he'd just find it through some other fame hanger-on who doesn't give an ef. God knows there are enough of those in T-town to go around.

Brain-Fry really should know better, as he's seen this stuff happen before. Which is prolly what made him so depressed to begin with. Britney's public meltdown is just gonna seem like a hissy fit by the time B.F.'s done self-destructing. Believe us on this one.

And It Ain't: Billy Bob Thornton, Jared Leto, Kanye West

* Our top guess: Joaquin Phoenix.

* Update April 10: Ted has eliminated Ben Stiller, Owen Wilson, Luke Wilson, Jason Goldberg, Mickey Rourke, Jason Schwartzman.

Vintage BV: Crisp Lisp

We haven't yet posted the old BV about Crisp Lisp, from Awful Truth a few years ago. We will post it here and who was eliminated ASAP. In the meantime, Ted has eliminated Ludacris, who was a top guess. I always thought CL was Joaquin Phoenix. But Ted's response today throws me off.

Dear Ted:
Hope married life is treating you well...My hubby is being a royal pain in the ass the past couple of days. Anyhow, the old B.V. with Crisp Lisp is Ludacris! Am I close? Could we get an update on Crisp, or is he just chilling and laying low? Thanks for the guilty pleasure!
—Kristen, Houston
Dear Southern Hospitality:
We're all pains in the asses at some point, right? And sometimes in a de-lish, way, eh? As to Crisp, love, please, think less doable, by far.

???

Here it is - from March 8 2006 -

One Fellah-Flirting-in-Public Blind Vice

It had to happen.

Toothy Tile, you're toast. You've been so damn taken with the breathless watching of whether or not you'd maybe, just maybe, decide to come outta the closet you thought you'd keep your fans (not to mention my readers) on the edge of their slippery seats forever. Think again.

'Cause, girlfriend, there's a new gay in town--meet Crisp Lisp. And he's way cooler. Actually new isn't quite the right word to describe C.L., but more on him in a sec.

Let's face it. T2 was going to be dethroned as King of the Closet one of these days. Everyone is bored, already. I mean, come out or stay in, it's your call. But the way Toothy prances about (lately), never really making any statements that give us something to chomp on, is just plain aggravating.

Yes, I am much more impressed by Crisp Lisp. On Oscar night, he attended one of the hottest-ticket bashes in this damn town. And he didn't go alone. He was with his date--a very nice, if shy, dude. The two made no secret that they were on a romantic outing. And by this fetching factoid, I don't mean to imply they were sucking face and groping each other. I mean, Tara Reid C.L. is not and never will be.

Rather, Crisp and his paramour just kinda chilled. Held hands. Whispered low. Gazed longingly into each other's bedroom eyes, blah-pre-poke-behavior
-blah. Sure, everyone knew what was going on and that this is pretty much C.L.'s first foray into serious gay-relationship territory.

I wanna wish C.L. luck. And even though Crisp has a detractor, or three, in this town (who friggin' doesn't?), well, who can hold a grudge against new love?

Oh, and if you think you've seen C.-hon at a lot of high-profile parties lately, you're right. You totally have.

And It Ain't: Jonathan Rhys Myers, Terence Howard, Matt Dillon

* The people Ted eliminated are: Jonathan Rhys Myers, Terence Howard, Matt Dillon, Lance Bass, Philip Seymour Hoffman, Brandon Routh, Nick Lachey, Ludacris.

Top suspect: Joaquin Phoenix