Saturday, February 28, 2009

One Shooting Star Blind Vice

New BV from Ted Casablanca - Awful Truth from Eonline -

One Shooting Star Blind Vice

Brain-Fry Noodlestein's completely brilliant at what he does—or rather, did. Dude's throwing it all away—friends, family, well-respected career—'cause he's hooked on the hard stuff. Much harder stuff than Smokey Shooter would ever consider.

Heroin, babes. And lots of it.

Think the well-worn veins of lascivious ladies Fake à La Ferocity and Morgan Mayhem have the hard drug market cornered in H'wood? Please, Brain-Fry's beating them at their own miserable game, and he's barely even trying. But his buds sure as hell are:

BFN's best amigos, understandably, are up all night either worrying about their depressed friend or following his every move, just in case he hits even lower—an overdose? Jail time?

It's all a likely possibility with Noodle's don't-give-a-damn behavior. They thoughtnothing compared to seeing Brain-F injecting H right in front of 'em, which is now a matter, of course, for the iconoclast dude.

Makes us seriously suspect how much these so-called friends care about Brainy's livelihood—or life—they'd already seen him at his worst (professionally, at least, as did many others). But it was when they could easily nab the drugs out of his shaky hands. But knowing BFN, he'd just find it through some other fame hanger-on who doesn't give an ef. God knows there are enough of those in T-town to go around.

Brain-Fry really should know better, as he's seen this stuff happen before. Which is prolly what made him so depressed to begin with. Britney's public meltdown is just gonna seem like a hissy fit by the time B.F.'s done self-destructing. Believe us on this one.

And It Ain't: Billy Bob Thornton, Jared Leto, Kanye West

* Our top guess: Joaquin Phoenix.

* Update April 10: Ted has eliminated Ben Stiller, Owen Wilson, Luke Wilson, Jason Goldberg, Mickey Rourke, Jason Schwartzman.


blurry vice said...

Geez this seems to be about Joaquin Phoenix. Should we label this solved already?

Any other possibilities for this?

I guess this means Joaquin isn't Crisp Lisp? He was my top choice for him.

Anonymous said...

i think joaquin too, but

why is "thoughtnothing" in italics without a space? is that a typo or is it supposed to be like that?

because when i saw it, my brain said "thirtysomething" and then i thought about how "something" is the opposite of "nothing" and is or isnt that some kind of clue, but then i realized that its not the early 90s and no one from that show is even on the radar, not to mention they are all old now and this is about someone young i assume. so maybe if that is not a typo, its just there for no reason. just think that through out loud.

Unknown said...

Hmm so that means all that speculation whether his appearance with Letterman was all an act or not - he was high as some said

Anonymous said...

i also thought of joaquin right away, but in the spirit of keeping an open mind what about jonathan rhys meyers? he's on his way back to rehab and he had some major success after the woody allen movie...

Unknown said...

or also Kiefer Sutherland? But "brilliant" to me is Joaquin Phoenix

duffgrl said...

It sounds like Joaquin to me too. The "following his every move" comment may be referring to Casey Affleck who has been filming him for a documentary. Hope he gets help.

Unknown said...

I also thought Owen Wilson - not really "brilliant" but he does have a BA from UTexas Austin which is a high rank school. Plus the "depression" and "low" mentioned... he did try to off himself.

PrettyTarheelFan said...

I'm with the majority, Joaquin Phoenix. The Casey Affleck reference (following his every move) seems to be a dead give-a-way. Also, the "Brain-Fry should know better, as he's seen this stuff happen before" is a strong reference to River's death. Also, side note, there were a couple of typos in the BI that do not currently appear in Ted's column, including the "thoughtnothing" italicized comment which may have caused confusion for some readers. Just an FYI.

PrettyTarheelFan said...

Also, to clarify, thought and nothing are both italicized, but they are not one word.

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
What a sad and frightening blind item about Brain-Fry Noodlestein. This person obviously needs help, and it doesn't sound like his friends are helping at all. Could it by chance be either of the Wilson brothers?
—Anonymous in Dallas

Dear Owen'ing Bry:
Very sad indeed, but either of the Wilsons it is not. Interesting guess, though."

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Hello, Hot Stuff! Is Brain-Fry Noodlestein Ben Stiller?

Dear Stir Fry:
You're way close, but Ben is mucho saner than Bry-Fry. At least I think he is."

-- I think this is a big hint for Joaquin Phoenix, since Ben Stiller dressed up as him at the oscars.

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Is Brain-Fry Noodlestein Jason Goldberg? Am I way off?
—Molly, DC

Dear Brain-Dead Guess:
You're speaking of Soleil Moon Frye's producer hubby? Not our man—BFN's much more prominent in front of the scenes than behind. But not for much longer."

Jillian S. said...

This seems waaaay too obvious! I think they have roped Ted into the whole fake meltdown. Why would Casey Affleck and the Phoenix sibs who have already lost 1 bro to this crap, not just stand by idly, but actually partake in his drug-fueled self-destruction?

chrissi said...

After seeing Joaquin on Letterman show, I tend to think this, but I also try to give him credit that this is just a Put-on, which I really hope. He is a terrific actor, but weird sometimes.

gingergrl68 said...

Sometimes obvious is as obvious does. I call this one closed- Joaquin Phoenix. It's painfully obvious to me that he is really gone down an insane road, I think he's dually doomed, addiction and schizo or bi-polar. The whole rapper persona is not a joke,Casey A is filming it, but no way is JP doing an Ali G here, he truly is disturbed and clearly doped to the gills. I fear this documentary will have a funeral at the end, and JP is not going to rise from the coffin and say "Psych".

It is very, very difficult in the state of CA to have someone involuntarily committed, even if it is what the person desperately needs. The individual has to show BOTH being a danger to himself and others, not just by DUI, but one actually has to attempt to murder another person. No joke here. I had a relative who needed help badly and came to a sad and sorry end, because of these laws which I believe were created to keep greedy relatives from trying to cash in on an eccentric relative.

sistah2 said...

Interesting points. I think its JP, but why would his good friend Casey A be filming this? CA is married to JP's sister!!! Would they be cheering this on if JP is seriously in meltdown mode? Filming this to profit and sell a docu-film of their loved ones downward spiral, or worse death?
I dont think so. I think this 'act' that JP is putting on is a joke. If not, his pals filming this are seriously enabling him, and shame on his sister for letting it go on.

blurry vice said...

I thought Sean Penn was too obvious... but I guess it is him after all!

"Dear Ted:
Brain-Fry Noodlestein—please say it isn't Colin Farrell. It's been said he has been down since his recent breakup. He has come so far and his G.G. acceptance speech was so sweet.

Dear Bad-Boy Lover:
Relax, Farrell ain't our Fry. Pretty close, though. "

sistah2 said...

Why does the above letter prove this is Sean Penn?
I dont see it.

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Brain-Fry Noodlestein should know better, having just "wrestled" his way back into a starring role. Maybe he's still mourning his little deceased doggie and wants to hurry on to join him in puppy paradise.

Dear Say It, Already:
It's not Mickey Rourke. He's learned his lesson—we hope."

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
I admit, I have no idea who Toothy Tile is and will stop guessing. But I was thinking that Brain-Fry Noodlestein sure sounded like Jason Schwartzman.

Dear Who?
BFN is more widely recognizable, unfortunately. "

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
What happened to Brain-Fry Noodlestein? Is he getting help? Is that why we haven't heard from him in a while?

Dear Brain-Bashed:
Not getting help, but has managed to stay level enough to be kept out of the news. Doesn't mean he's better tho, not at all."

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Where is Joaquin Phoenix? There was all this confusion regarding his mental state after his Letterman appearance and now it's crickets. How is he really? I hope better than he was in the beginning of the year!

Dear Hope Sinks:
Honestly, the guy's got so many issues I can't keep track of where he is. He's like Lindsay Lohan, but you can't find him at the clubs."

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Now that Joaquin Phoenix has come clean about his huge hoax, can you eliminate him as Brain-Fry Noodlestein? You know he was the top suspect for many of us...I sure as hell thought it was him!

Dear Put on a Show:
Sorry, C, but just because Joaquin fooled you once, how do you know he's not doin' it again?"

Read more:

Caz1310 said...

Going through the archives...late post. Just wanted to agree with all of you on the Phoenix bus for this one. It astounds me (as others have noted) how far off the rails he is, considering his brother's death. LOL that the promoters of his "doco" are now saying his Letterman meltdown was a hoax, and that people are believing it. It's a desperate PR stunt for a movie no-one's interested in.