Friday, February 13, 2009

One Father Knows Breasts Blind Vice

New BV from Ted...

One Father Knows Breasts Blind Vice

Schlong Sleaze-Wad has been in the news on and off, and as with most of the tabloid targets—it ain't good. Schlong's a somewhat happily taken hetero (too hetero) dude who just can't keep it in his trousers. Lotsa folks in Tinseltown know it, including Schlong's wife.

And even though notorious Schlongy appears to be residing back on Domesticity Lane, something he's been trying so-so hard to get everybody to believe, we ain't buying it. See, aside from luring at costars or any female with ta-tas on the set, we know S2's past (and present). He likes 'em young. Almost the kind of young that'll legally get ya in trouble, which surely very nearly happened when...

Mr. Sleaze-Wad struck yet again.

Clearly, Schlongy thinks that just because he's famous, endowed and not butt ugly, this means every woman within spitting distance of his constantly semierect package should break down, bow and submit to his every nasty desire.

Like when he just tricked a barely legal babe who works in entertainment, offering to go out to lunch with him so he could further "mentor" her career. Before she knew it, they were sneaking around on the job, making out in every dark corner they could find. But once the quasi-brain-dead babe came to her senses, she realized the man in her arms was (a) married, (b) probably diseased in some sort or another and (c) not at all interested in discussing Rob Pattinson's next career move or Britney's way better extensions.

So she ended the somewhat heated fling, which had, thus far, only included heavy French smooching, serious groping and no mentoring whatsoever, quelle surprise.

Gosh, Professor Prick, how could you let one of your students down so?

And it ain't: Kevin Dillon, Peter Facinelli, Chris Brown

.Update April 20 - Ted has eliminated Kevin Costner, Warren Beatty, Ben Affleck, Bruce Willis, Will Smith, Mel Gibson.

26 comments:

Liz said...

Doesn't the title give a clue? Father knows Breasts? he's either a father or plays one on TV, or both.

Liz said...

Doesn't the title give a clue? Father knows Breasts? he's either a father or plays one on TV, or both.

Anna said...

Robert de Niro? Al Pacino? Josh Brolin?

Rafaela said...

Charlie Sheen.

killer said...

Charlie Sheen is a good guess, but what about Ben Affleck?? Jennifer Garner always looks like she has a pickle up her butt when they are out there together. Definitely not happy. And he definitely used to hit the strip bars in Vancouver when he was here and liked 'em young.

PrettyTarheelFan said...

Hmm..what about Sean Penn? He's got the reputation, and Robin Wright Penn has been said to turn a blind eye-(tem) to his philandering ways! I can see him being somewhat of a lecherous old f***. Is he a confirmed subject of another of Ted's vices?

Dayna said...

david duchovny

sistah2 said...

I was going to say Sean Penn - but then I saw the AIA's. I usually dont read too much into them, but it seems the first 2 are B list (or CList) tv stars, then there's Chris Brown thrown in , who is not married and was just , as we all know, in the news for this abuse thing. so, could it be a B list tv guy, possibly African american, or known for violence in the past? Sean Penn fits the violence thing, but Ted seems to be throwing the TV thing out there.

Mandy said...

It's absolutely David Duchovny. I've heard the mentoring story before, and he's known for being very well-endowed.

duffgrl said...

I would guess David Duchovny too- sounds like his M.O.- but he was confirmed 100% by Ted to be Sylvester Slimeball in past BIs. did we figure out if Ted uses different monikers for the name person???

sistah2 said...

I dont think DD> His problems are well known and there would be no need for a BI.
on another board, they agreed with the TV star theory with past history of violence. top guess was C Sheen, they may be right.

kanonymous said...

"It's absolutely David Duchovny."

It's absolutely NOT David Duchovny. David has already been the subject of a blind item, which Ted revealed. Ted does not give one person more than one different nickname.

duffgrl said...

Kanonymous: If you look at the comments above you'll see that I already stated that DD is Sylvester Slimeball.
Sistah 2: I like the charlie Sheen guess. Fits.

Liz said...

Ted eliminated Kevin Costner today.

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Is Schlong Sleaze-Wad Kevin Costner? He had a reputation that he would ef anything among certain Hollywood directors.
—CherylS

Dear Costly:
Wrong Wad, but please, do tell."

steviescott said...

Oh I think I have this one: Rob Lowe - he got in trouble in the 80s for hooking up on video with a young girl, he was in the tabs recently for harrassing the nanny, he's on tv, and he talks about Rob Pattinson...I think I figure it out!

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Warren Beatty's oldest daughter is only 16 or 17. So a twentysomething would not be his daughter. Did you know this already and are playing coy regarding the Father Knows Breast Blind Vice?
—Liz

Dear Bad Beatty:
Sorry, darling, no hinting to Beatty for that B.V. Schlong Sleaze-Wad is much younger and more sexually rambunctious."

sistah2 said...

Rob Lowe: great guess! I am leaning toward him..it fits better than Sheen.

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
OK, so I think maybe I actually figured this out. Schlong Sleaze-Wad is Ben Affleck and Nevis Divine is Matt Dallas. Also, Ted, beautiful Ted, I love you! I'm gay, 28, 6-foot and Italian. Need a pool boy?
—Scornedsunshine

Dear Ciao Bella:
No on Ben, no on Matt (close, though), and sorry, sweetie, no on the last offer, the Casablanca casa doesn't come with a pool. Do ya know how to program TiVo, though?"

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Is Schlong Sleaze-Wad Bruce Willis? I just read he handpicked his new wife from a casting couch.
—caroconnelly

Dear Wondering Willis:
Oh, heavens no. Much hotter."

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Is Schlong Sleaze-Wad our beloved Will Smith? The B.V. does seem to fit him!
—Cathy , Texas

Dear Wicked Will?
Wrong Blind Vice. Right slippery dude."

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Is it safe to say that Schlong Sleaze-Wad is Mel Gibson?
—CC

Dear No:
Nothing's safe in this Biz."

nissivm said...

think it´s Josh Brolin. Ted said recently he´s been one of his BVs, and everything fits. He´s indeed a womanizer, married with Diane LANE (Domesticity Lane, anyone?). My cents go to him.

louise said...

David Boreanaz

cassandra said...

maybe this is ewan mcgregor? but i think charlie sheen fits better

Shit You Can't Buy said...

Paul Walker? Cheated on his wife with the 16 year old babysitter.. the 'slipping' thing may refer to cars, as in fast and the furious.

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