Lainey - Tighten up and regret

From Dec 18 -

Tighten up and regret

What are some reasons a celebrity might go quiet for a couple of weeks or so on social media? Maybe they’re gearing up for a major announcement trying to create anticipation. Maybe they’re just bored of themselves? Hardly.

Once in a while they disappear for an old-fashioned reason: plastic surgery. She wanted to tighten up, trim down, even though, supposedly she’s fit as f-ck. And is selling the gear to prove it. Sure. So that’s why there was no activity for a while on social. It was an extensive procedure. And no one was allowed to come to the house during her recovery because she couldn’t go upstairs. The healing time was terrible. And an infection had set in. So it took even longer than expected. Which is why she has some regret now. That’ll pass. It always does when another area needs work. 

Top suspect: Jessica Simpson

Lainey-What he does in his room

Lainey riddle from yesterday, May 31-

What he does in his room

After a series of sh-tty relationships, she thought she’d finally found the one. He says the right things, he wants to be with her all the time, he isn’t embarrassed to be seen with her. And he’s not motivated to do much other than to be with her. Life is not particularly challenging for either of them...but every man needs his down time. Or, in his case, his down down time.

What does he do with his down, down time?

Not sure...exactly.

But you can smell it. You can always smell it from his office. So there’s one blend for when he needs to relax and then something else when he needs a hit of excitement. Which might explain why there are small mirrors on his desk with powdery white residue. Do they do it together? Surely not now, in her condition. But maybe later for a shortcut to skinny.

Top suspect: Jessica Simpson

Blind Vice: Stupid Star Gets Crapped on Yet Again

New from Ted today -

Blind Vice: Stupid Star Gets Crapped on Yet Again


We are really starting to feel sorry for Lucretia Johnson.
Last time we checked in on the quasi bloated, not preggers blond babe, she was seriously turning to alcohol to cope with her seemingly downward spiral. She's just not what (and where) she used to be, career-wise, ya know?
Adding to Lucretia's woes, her newest beau (with whom things have gotten quite serious since we last checked in) is making matters worse. Much.
See, it appears as if L.J. and her dude are on the marriage track.
Unfortunately for Ms. Johnson, what she doesn't know is that despite tabloid appearances, her man has "no intention" of ever walking down the aisle with her, claims an insider.
In fact, he is so grossed out by her, impeccable sources tell us, that he's still sleeping with his ex!
At a cheap nail salon in L.A., the ex was bitching to her manicurist about her ex's new high-profile romance:
"He has been f--king me practically during their whole relationship."
If that wasn't bad enough, apparently Lucretia's dude (who's blah in every way, hint, hint) was also talking about how "disgusted" he was with Johnson, admitting he was only using her for her money and fame.
Thing is, Ms. Johnson plays into this, totally. She's completely his sugar mama and is cutting out friends who try to tell her that she's just being used.
Apparently, the ex lady admitted they stopped doing the nasty behind Lucretia's back because the dude needed to keep up appearances in the press that he and Johnson are totally in love.
Could this get any grosser?
Wake up and smell the future, Lucretia! It's only going to get stinkier if you keep hanging with guys like this.
And It Ain't: Kim Kardashian, Selena Gomez, Britney Spears

Please see the label below for our post on the other LJ BV, including a full list of who has been eliminated.

Top suspects: either Jessica Simpson or Christina Aguilera

Blind Vice: Bloated Babe Turns To Booze, Not Babies!

New from Ted yesterday -

Blind Vice: Bloated Babe Turns To Booze, Not Babies!

We toss around the word celebrity here at Awful Truth, about as loosely as Toothy Tile guards his homosexuality. That said, there's a celeb in town by the name of Lucretia Johnson, whose talent is, uh, questionable, at best.
And the poor gal's also currently getting raked over the rumor coals for possibly being preggers. And, trust, in a town that wants to skewer folks (mainly women) for being a half-ounce over weight, that's pretty scandalous stuff.
Shouldn't be, but it is.
And guess what? Chances are slim to none Lucretia's with child because...
Her friends tell us the wayward babe's been "getting sloppy drunk for months."
Poor Lucretia has had a bad run of luck with men not exactly being loyal to her, hell, even nice to her. Johnson also has a bad habit of letting these jokers do whatever they want in bed—to sometimes yucky results!
Even though L.'s currently found a man who seems to be able to stick around and be decent to her, Lucretia just doesn't believe—deep down inside—it's going to last.
So the stacked sweetie drinks and drinks and drinks.
No wonder she's lookin' thicker than Levi Johnston's head these days!
Lucretia is also—according to her friends who have known her since she was a cheerleader at Happiest Place on Earth High—increasingly concerned that her most unimpressive career is fast approaching the point of becoming a permanent zero. Despite having had a fair amount of on-camera success in the past.
Ms. J., who really can sometimes do the cutest little flips with her big mane o' luscious hair, is also totally depressed that her more famous friends are quickly abandoning her, as she's just not the same hot celeb she used to be.
Hell, who needs friends like that? Good riddance, we say!
Get yourself to an AA meeting, Lucretia. Then you might realize this man you're with now isn't exactly looking out for your best interests, and neither are your avaricious relatives.
Sober up and smell the Starbucks, honey.
And It Ain't: Bristol Palin, Mo'Nique, Brittny Gastineau

Update 3/24/12 - Ted has eliminated Bristol Palin, Mo'Nique, Brittny Gastineau, Beyonce Knowles, Raven Simone, Jennifer Love Hewitt, Mandy Moore, Vanessa Hudgens, Holly Madison, Kim Kardashian, Selena Gomez, Britney Spears, Paris Hilton, Snooki.

Please see the label below for a link to the new LJ BV.

Top suspects -either Jessica Simpson or Christina Aguilera

Weekly Vintage BV: Robert Slobert & Wonder Woman Wilma

Here's our latest weekly vintage Blind Vice, from Eonline's The Awful Truth by Ted Casablanca.  We're going way back to December 23, 2004 for this one.

Oh, all right, so I've saved the dirtiest bird for last. It seems appropriate, too, what with turkeys getting roasted, baked, basted and deep-fried out the wazoo right about now. Wish the same would happen with Robert Slobert.

You see, Mr. S. works with one of his close relatives. Sort of a sous-chef-Svengali-crying shoulder kind of job--you know the close-knit Hollywood family drill, I'm sure. Just look at how well it worked for Whitney Houston.

But so far, so good. Wonder Woman Wilma, the relation in question, is simply phenomenal at what she does, and there's no question whatsoever that Robert has helped engineer that meteoric rise to success. None.

However, I suspect probs will eventually surface, due to certain habits Bob has in regard to Wonder W. Particularly when Wonder's dressing. Make that undressing. W3 doesn't know it, but Bobby has a way of always making sure he has a bird's-eye view of the youngster's curves.

Sorry, but doesn't that sicko stuff eventually come out? Because these geezers always eventually seem to look once too often, once too long, right? It's getting close to that desultory sitch, or so I'm told.

Top suspects were: Jessica Simpson and dad Joe Simpson (although Jessica is a top suspect for MANY old blind vices.  We're not sure which one she fits with the best!)  Any other guesses?

One Special Scratch N' Sniff Blind Vice

New Blind Vice from Ted today... Super Duper Cooper is back!

Lead-Ins:

Stinks N' Finks!
It's a very smelly—some say sexy—Blind Vice in the boudoir this Friday!

Natural Selection?
Oh, dear. Unless you've got a very imaginative (and open-minded) bent for things in the bedroom, wouldn't even bother with today's Blind Vice tale about Super Duper Cooper, who's really pushing it with how he selects his mattress conquests. And check out his erect desktop, babes!

One Special Scratch N' Sniff Blind Vice

Break out your umbrellas and stay out of the splash zone, Super Duper Cooper strikes again. Our sexed-out insiders are spilling about some other naughty boudoir behavior SDC has been up to besides becoming an Olympian at preorgasmic water sports, ugh.
Supes seems to like his female fans almost as much as he likes his steamy Hollywood girlfriends, and he treats both varieties of vixens with about the same amount of respect. The well-liked lothario scoops up the gals and spits 'em back out just as quickly, especially the ones who accidentally get knocked up 'cause of his encounters. Guy’s a low-down dawg, though his puppy puss makes him seem so much more innocent. Mr. Duper Cooper even marks his territory like man’s best four-legged pal: He’s been known to have his adoring fans line up against a wall, drop trou and go to town sniffing their derrieres like they were at the Laurel Canyon pooch park. Sounds kinda hot, but kinda gross. Don’t think this was just hazing for entry into the fan club—Cooper’s famous ex-flame was also privy to this way-too-personal inspection.
A bit too absurd for your prude tastes in titillation? We’re more confused than disgusted, since SDC also likes to throw on some gay porn while bedding his beauties. In fact, our too-close-for-comfort sources swear Duper’s desktop screensaver is none other than the male member, in its full pixilated 'n' engorged glory. Is this dude bisexual, or trying to cover up all the oft-blogged-about gay rumors by romancing so many willing ladies? Either way, he needs to be put on a leash before we turn back around to liking this lush lad.

And it ain't: Pete Wentz, Chace Crawford, Tom Brady

In the past, there was a Super Duper Cooper BV, and it was rumored to be John Mayer. See below, it was about him and a gf (presumed to be Jessica Simpson), and SDC liked to pee and poop on her. (Gross!). So, I am guessing John Mayer for this. Also, the AIA's here all clearly hint towards Jessica Simpson (her sister's bf, her bf's ex's ex, and a NFL QB). I'd like to point out, about the second BV below... there was a second time he was mentioned, a short blurb and we posted it here, and I thought it was Rick Solomon. (Hinting that he demanded his ditzy ex to have an abortion). We didn't have much discussion about it though, and now in hindsight I think that John Mayer fits that one too.
Here are the other BV's about SDC:

Oct 2007:

Kay, we know last week everybody got so damn grossed out over Sha-Sha Shimmy’s accidental (due to too many laxatives) poop session at a Hell-Ay mall. Well, all we have to say is, after you read today’s latest Blind installment, you’ll be screaming to bring Shimmy and her brown-stained antics back, already!
But we’ll give ya one saving grace on this new one: It’ll be brief. It’s just too gross not to be, really.
Here goes: Now, we’re not prudes at Awful, not by any means. Can’t speak for Cristina, really, but certain elder members of the Truth team have pretty much done it all. Spanking, peeing, bondage, cellophane, groups, ho-hum, whatever. All kinda boring, in the end, as it were. Nothin’ like plain ol' nasty one-on-one, we (predictably, and romantically) say! But Super-Dooper Cooper hardly concurs, of that, we are sure.
See, not only does Super-Doop live to urinate on—and be peed on by—his sexual partners, always very pretty, not often terribly smart gals, but now, we’re hearing he likes it even dirtier than that. Yep, you guessed where we’re going here, surely.
Mr. C just thinks it’s so orgasmic-fantastic to get shat upon by whichever curvy pretty hon he’s seeing. So yuck-o! And when his sizable, legendary talent isn’t enough dangling bait to lure whatever wary baby he can find to his rank boudoir, SDC simply orders out. And hookers charge a lot for that kinda merde, trust.
This is just too sick even for us. So, we’re outta here! Good luck guessing! Remember to towel off afterward, please
And it Ain't: Kiefer Sutherland, Chris Rock, Nick Lachey


January 2008: Well, we were going to blab all about pee-happy Super-Duper
Cooper’s nasty-ass demand that his (ex) blondie ditz dame get an
abortion—most men are simply hideous, straight and gay, all there is to it—but
after last week’s pooch-offing Blind left us in a very bad mood, just had to
offer up something, uh, a tad more festive to ponder this week. Hope you don’t
mind. Promise, back to the desultory trash soon!

* Update 5/25/11 - collectively, here are all the people that Ted has excluded as Super Duper Cooper:  
Kiefer Sutherland, Chris Rock, Nick Lachey, Tommy Lee, Matthew McConaughey, Christian Bale, Derek Jeter, Ryan Gosling, R. Kelly, Pete Wentz, Chace Crawford, Tom Brady, Chris Evans, Orlando Bloom, Tony Romo, Derek Jeter, Matthew McConaughey, Justin Timberlake, Kanye West, Colin Farrell, Tom Cruise, Channing Tatum, Matthew Morrison, Jamie Foxx, Alexander Skarsgård, Charlie Sheen, Kevin Jonas, Bradley Cooper

* * * Top Suspect: John Mayer


Here is the SDC BV from Nov 2010.  See label for other SDC posts.

Awful Truth Mini-Blind 3/24

Yay! A mini-blind from Ted on a Monday...

Quickie Mini-Blind
Which oh-so-famous young couple parted ways not that long ago, he and she both of multitalented varieties, over her fairly indiscreet dalliances? Can you imagine, perhaps, who we are inferring? Sure ya can! Guess what? Just found out what caused that poor hon to be so naughty with other dudes while she was off filming on location. Turns out, while back at home in Hollywood, missy's hubby had a "light switch" for a penis (so reports a switch-witness). Hence, philandering wifey—we'll call her Inpenna Never-Trated—felt totally at a loss and doomed, sexually speaking, until she was woken up by costar X, soon to be followed by dude Z and the rest of the male alphabet. Girl was dee-lighted to discover what she'd been missing!

So obvious! Apparently someone who was only with one man, and the one we all know did that would be...

* Top suspect: Jessica Simpson (co-star with no nickname Nick Lachey)

One Remind Us to Never Sleep Over There Blind Vice

Awful Truth - Blind Spot - 1/17/08

Well, we were going to blab all about pee-happy Super-Duper
Cooper’s nasty-ass demand that his (ex) blondie ditz dame get an
abortion—most men are simply hideous, straight and gay, all there is to it—but
after last week’s pooch-offing Blind left us in a very bad mood, just had to
offer up something, uh, a tad more festive to ponder this week. Hope you don’t
mind. Promise, back to the desultory trash soon!
So, remember Bravado Boom-Cocks, the star with the overly loud, potty-mouthed manners who chewed out a poor party host? He’s just gotten himself a fabulous new mansion. Ain’t entertainment money just devilishly over-the-top? The pad’s as huge as the boy’s rumored endowment, promise. And he was bragging about the spread’s size to an amigo recently. And
said amigo was quite aware of BBC’s fondness for masturbation.
So, he asked the award-winning celebrity if he had yet autoerotically christened
the new mansion yet.
“Are you kidding?” bellowed the outspoken pisser. “Every room.”
Jeez. He hasn't even moved in to the joint yet. That sex addict works fast.

And it ain't - Kevin Nealon, Kevin Costner, Kevin Spacey

Let' refresh our memory with the past Blind vice about Bravado Boom-Cocks from Sept 20, 2007 -

One Hell Phone Blind Vice - 9/20/07

Bravado Boom-Cocks is quite famous but not always exactly
beloved. Even though he’s a mucho gifted, award-showered, multitalented
performer, he’s not really known for his private cool. Indeed, BBC was out here
on the coast, having flown in for a project he’s doing, as well as a charity gig
he was asked to participate in—reason being, the charity’s contributing beaucoup
bucks to B’s latest pro undertaking. He was sorta forced into it,
actually. The organizer of said project had been in direct contact (no rep
go-between) with Bravado, a line of communication Mr. Boom-Cocks sometimes
chooses, as he detests pretense intensely. But Boomy-baby now regrets that
decision, big-time. See, Bravado isn’t exactly known for dressing, how shall
we say, chicly? BBC rarely wears anything even approaching couture. For this
reason, the organizer gave the charity event’s handler Boom-Cock’s private cell
number, which the handler blithely called pronto.
“Even though things are more casual out here,” the charitable worker bee blathered on, once Bravado answered, “you really shouldn’t be dressing like you’re going to somebody’s
barbecue or anything.” Bravado’s polite response? “F--k you, lady!” he
bellowed, and promptly hung up.
Then B dialed, brow slightly sweating with anger. Called up the guy who had given out his number in the first place. “How dare you? If you ever give out my number again,” BBC fumed, “I will see to it that you get me a new phone and call every one of my contacts and give them the
new number, you f--king bastard!”
BBC wasn’t done, either: “And for punishment, tonight, when I show up, I will be taking no pictures whatsoever, not with anybody, no matter how much money they’ve donated, so you can learn your lesson and never do this to me again, you f--king jerk!”
The poor man, no doubt holding his own phone far away from his eardrums, begged BBC to
reconsider. He did not. And you thought Ireland Baldwin was the only put-upon
cellie caller in town?
Think again.
And it aint: Sean Penn, Billy Bob Thornton, Denis Leary

* Super Duper Cooper - Suspected to be John Mayer (making the ditzy ex forced to get an abortion Jessica Simpson).


Here are the links to the other Super Dooper Cooper BVs:
Oct' 07 and Apr '08 including a full list of the eliminated; and the most recent from Nov 2010.




*Bravado Boom Cocks - Suspected to be Ricky Gervais or Simon Cowell