Friday, November 5, 2010

Blind Vice: You May Never Want to Have Sex Again!

New from Ted today -

Blind Vice: You May Never Want to Have Sex Again!
Battle StudiesIt's a good thing Super-Duper Cooper, whose bedroom habits stink to high heaven, is pretty hot. Otherwise, what you're about to read would be virtually impossible to fathom. I mean, kinky sex is one thing, but totally debauched, gross-out nooky with an ever grosser-looking partner would be just beyond hideous, right?
Still, babes, hold off on eating your lunch ‘cause what you're fixing to read, about what Super's been up to, will probably make you want toss your cookies:
Coop, who still manages to bed all the good-looking gals he can find (despite claiming the opposite), recently stayed at his fave deluxe Vegas hotel. The place was used to catering to Cooper's starry ways: Women constantly in and out of his room, the suite always left a mess, etc. Nobody ever said anything, discretion is this celeb hang's policy!
But that was before.
After Super-Duper's most recent stay, he left behind a gift. It was a bag, actually. The housekeeper found it. She opened it up, thinking she'd get a delightful, vicarious big-celebrity thrill, getting a look at the fancy stuff before, of course, returning it to management so Super could retrieve his forgotten goodies.
Well, guess what she found? A bunch of s--t. Literally. Now, technically, they were crap-covered bed linens (which, clearly, Coop was planning on throwing out, but forgot). But listen up, the predominant ingredient in that damn bag was overwhelmingly made of human feces. With a nice chaser of dried seminal fluid, just to top things off nicely.
Now, Super, you bizarro perv, we already knew you were into sex-with-poop, but the thing we don't get—like at all—is where the hell do you find these chicks who participate in the stinky stuff, too? Are they really into it, or do they just play along (and hold their noses)?
Or are we just boring old vanilla-sex types, and is fornication with turds the new black? Are we that behind with the latest trends? Do tell, Super! Tweet us an answer, pronto, por favor!
At any rate, the Vegas joint's concierges are at a loss as to what they're going to say to Super next time he books a room. May we suggest: "So very sorry we can't accommodate you, Mr. Cooper, but unfortunately, we're as full as your bowels."
And It Ain't: Justin Timberlake, Kanye West, Colin Farrell

Top suspect: John Mayer

Links to previous SDC BVs:
Oct '07 and April '08 including a full list of who has been eliminated; and January '08.


Viking Girl said...

Ugh. I knew something SDC related was coming after seeing this weeks Blind Vice archive, but still I read it. So it's my own fault, I suppose.

How do you forget a bag of sh#t? How? You'd know the poor underpaid staff would have to clean up after you, wouldn't you? But there's no shame at all!

But then I'm the type of person who would have a tidy up before the cleaning staff arrived, so what do I know?

Snickers Mom said...

Remember when him and Jess were in Italy (back when) and the hotel had to throw out the mattress because it was ruined and the hotel assumed it was because she got "sick".

Unknown said...

Hey new nickname for him, sh!tbag!! Like it better than douchebag!

Caz1310 said...

Gross. Beyond. Words. How could any woman willingly go out with this,let alone do the nasty with him?

Valerie Feria - Isacks said...

Whomever this is it is SO GROSS!

AshleyG said...

Oh eww it just keeps getting ickier with him! I gotta say, I wonder how he does it, how do these women not go running out of his room in disgust?! "Hi, yes i'm John Mayer, now let's get dirty..oh no I mean really dirty, poop dirty", and the girls are just like "okay!" each his own and everything, but there should be a line somewhere that you just don't cross! Oh, and for goodness' sake, clean up after yourself!

Valerie Feria - Isacks said...

Given Ted's response to Wake-up, Porcelain Habits, and Spot-on as well as lots of the AIA's being people who've also dated people who've dated Mayer this is DEFINATELY him.

Ick! makes me want to break & burn my copy of "Room for Squares."

AshleyG said...

Valerie, if you look back in the comments on previous SDC posts, you'll see many reasons why most of us are certain this is JM. Just a note, I wouldn't start putting too much weight in the AIA's if I were you; yes, they can be helpful, but Ted himself has said that they are often meaningless and hold no connection to the blind vice perp.

Valerie Feria - Isacks said...

Thanks Ashley G for the tip. His comments to those I mentioned about Mayer also hint that this is his. It's SO awful seriously! Drug habits, homophobia, in fact most the vices CAN be fixed via rehab or education. Plus homosexuality is so not an issue for most I think, more the dishonesty of bearding. This however us plain disgusting! (not too mention unhygienic)

Much to the contrary of Spie's judgement about me i actually try not to be ethno/egocentric, and I think I usually succeed - but we all of us human have our moments. In this instance it's such an outlier of human sexuality I can't help but be disgusted.

Is it just me or has this BV gone beyond the pale? Thoughts?

Valerie Feria - Isacks said...

BTW was able to find my old Human Sexuality book from biology class way back when. The more technical term is 'coprophilia' if any one is interested in looking it up on medical sites.

The Spie said...

I don't think it goes beyond the pale. Anyone familiar with Rule 36 knows to adjust and detach from personal feelings.

That being said, if it was coprophagia, then I'd get squicked.

Tara said...

Eeew. That is usually for the dogs, Spie. Or twogirlsonecup.

Valerie Feria - Isacks said...

The only Rule 36 I knew of (until today) is in the Federal Rules of Civil Procedure, and that doesn't really apply to participating in a gossip website or to my paper's instructions.

I found this one that seems to fit what you are talking about but when further on net search I found out is was 4chan/IRC/Anonymous derived nonsense and tossed the concept in the 'round bin' where it belongs.

Instead I try to follow proper netiquette like those listed:

I am sometimes not so good at the brevity or all caps things though. These are common tact type things we should all try and follow.

I do think what Rachel is saying about what's colloquially known as the 'golden rule' is a good thing, though more so in real life but even most of the time on the internet.

Oh an yes I still think it's really gross what SDC does. I wouldn't say that to him in a theraputic context either but this isn't that either now is it?

The Spie said...

Here's another internet meme for you, Valerie: Two words: Shut. Up.

blurry vice said...

Valerie - when you write your term paper, make sure you spell "definitely" correctly. (No A!)

Hey Spie, are you up to another timeline confirmation? Taylor Swift as Priscilla Desert? See the latest PD post, I put the dates there in a comment but have not had time to go through them all. And you are so good at it! :)

The Spie said...

I'll do TSwift tomorrow, and if I have a chance, I'll do Dom as well. That one's a little more work, but I hope I can isolate him as Teddy O'Bong.

Unknown said...

Does anyone else find it rather odd that the maid would actually examine the allegedly crap-covered sheets close enough to also find "dried seminal fluid"? Common sense would tell you that if you open a bag that contained human feces, you would not pull out the sheets and examine them any further, right? I find Ted's stuff entertaining, but I don't know... this one just smacks of made-upness to me.