Sunday, November 14, 2010

VINTAGE BV: Schlocky Ticky-Tocky

Just for kicks... another oldie.  Where does Ted come up with these bizarre names?

One Pained 'n' Stained Blind Vice - Dec. 22, 2005

Now, this is a really skanky one to go out on. The year's up, and so is this chick's pretty-puss time. See, Schlocky Ticky-Tocky, always known more for her talent than her beauty, is getting on--as we all appear to be, perhaps with the sole exception of Paris Hilton (arguable point, I know). So, Schlocky--a kudo queen for one of her more, uh, less scene-chewing flicks--went to see a fancy plastic surgeon. Not one of the best, perhaps, but not one of the worst cracks in town either. S.T.-T. got herself a face-lift, went for the whole works, the full bandaged shebang. Now, here's where it gets dicey--not to mention really ugly. Schlocky's a very, very heavy smoker. Idiot. As if lung cancer and assorted other potential ailments waiting to afflict the once A-list actress weren't enough to scare this broad off the fags, you'd think the following would. Ticky-Tocky's doc told the pre-op broad that she had to not only stop smoking before the surgery, but during the healing process, as well. Had. To. And do you think she did? All the addicts in the world are all shouting hell, no! in unison, right about now, and I'm one of 'em, damn straight. As a most unfortunate side effect of not following her physician's warning, Ms. T.-T.--who indeed continued to smoke like a chimney through all phases of her elective, invasive treatment--now has permanently marked nicotine lines of medium to dark brown wherever there were incisions. On her jaw and face, her neck, her brow--in addition to additional splotches on her cheeks. Accordingly, Schlocky never, ever goes out without full makeup and scarves. Jesus, may I never pick up another cigarette again--'cause I sure don't want my face-lift resulting in that! 
And it ain't: Tatum O'Neal, Susan Sarandon, Barbra Streisand

Also eliminated: Goldie Hawn, Faye Dunaway, Julianne Moore, Anjelica Houston
Top suspects were: Liza Minelli, Diane Keaton


blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Ms. Schlocky Ticky-Tocky from One Pained 'n' Stained Blind Vice has to be Goldie Hawn. She fits all the attributes of being more talented than beautiful and not as A-list now as earlier in her career.
Cheryl Strayer
Jonebsoro, Georgia

Dear Bitch Dick:
Jeez, nothin' like kicking an aging Hollywood broad when she's already down and outta most casting circles, huh? Why not throw a little salt in those lip injections? Besides, ain't Goldie, who's a peach. Shame on you. Think much less fun."

"Dear Ted:
You are genuinely wicked and in need of a serious spanking. Anyway, I believe I've got the One Pained 'n' Stained Blind Vice: It must be Faye Dunaway. I swear to Jaysus that woman has been trussed tighter than a Thanksgiving turkey. Am I right?
Elizabeth Bailey
Joplin, Missouri

Dear Detective Nicotine:
Nope, the award-winning actress who was supposed to cease smoking during her face-lift recovery and didn't (and has the stained scars to prove it) is not Mommie Dearest darling Faye. Good guess, though! Think, uh, a bit less fond of the limelight these days than our Ms. D. happens to be."

"Dear Ted:
I'm a longtime reader who gets a kick out of your Blind Vices. I usually just take a wild guess and leave it at that. However, the Pained 'n' Stained Blind Vice was so--uh, what's the word? Gross? Weird? It was bizarre in a "I can't stop thinking about it" way. So, I had to write in with a guess. Is it Julianne Moore?

Dear Smokin' Sleuth:
Nope, way too pretty and talented a guess. Think mustier in both of the previous departments. "

"Dear Ted:
You naughty boy! In your last column, you totally gave away the answer to One Pained 'n' Stained Blind Vice, with the story about Anjelica Huston! But, hey, I forgive you.

Dear Kitten with a Whip:
You don't get to spank me just yet. Anjelica is a great guess, but not it. Think sweeter, as in sickeningly sweeter, as in has never boffed Jack Nicholson or anything."

Charlene said...

Diane Keaton hasn't had a facelift and isn't considered sweet. Could this be Melanie Griffith?

nini said...

Melanie Griffith is always seen smoking--even with her teenage daughter. And her face is taut as hell. I was gonna say Meg Ryan.

Ross Family Five said...

What about Dyan Cannon?? She was gorgeous (married to Cary Grant!) And around the time of this blind had a role in Ally McBeal. She looked like she'd been pulled pretty taut. Thoughts?

Tempestuous Grape said...

Melanie Griffith!

Jessica said...

Diane Keaton just doesn't seem vain enough to get a face-lift, I put her in the same category as Meryl.

Melanie Griffith FTW!

talia said...

but melanie griffith was considered to be beautiful in the eighties ... i go with liza minelli. esp. because of the "mommie dearest"... and she' def is/was more talented than pretty

georgie said...

"a kudo queen" makes me think of Liza Minelli's large gay following

blurry vice said...

Ted said that Melanie Griffith was a BV, but that it was about her making a statue of Antonio's "certain body part". So I dont think she is this one.

Caz1310 said...

Diane Keaton looks amazing for her age - she's absolutely had work done by someone very good. For those who were old enough to be seeing grown up movies in the 80's remember Melanie Griffith was very hot and gorgeous for a short time there (when she was with Don Johnson) ..before she started having surgery and got Antonio (and somehow has kept him all these years). Thinking Liza.

Unknown said...

I`m with Liza on this one.

Sue T. said...

"Kudo queen" probably refers to winning awards -- the Variety slang term for award shows is "kudocast" -- and heaven knows Liza's won a boatload of awards, and she always seems to be wearing scarves. But "Think much less fun" than Goldie Hawn? Wouldn't Liza be considered fun -- especially by gay men?

Sassy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Sassy said...

Diane Keaton was known for her beauty in her Annie Hall days, so I don't think she fits. Like the Liza guess.

Caz1310 said...

Liza was recently on the Australian X factor show giving singing tips to wannabees (oh good lord when will this end?). She looks like she's had sooo much work done. In the 10 secs of footage shown for each contestant, she showed more talent, pizzaz and chutzpah than all of them put together. But then we all know that. She was very gracious, nice and encouraging to all.

Unknown said...

I think this is Shelley Long. She has won and Emmy and two Golden Globes. I just saw her on Modern Family and she was in heavy make-up and scarves in every scene.