Sunday, November 14, 2010

VINTAGE BV: Whip M. Off

Another vintage Blind Vice dug up from the dusty internet files ... this one going back 5 years again, from December 2005.


One High-Fuming Blind Vice - Dec. 6, 2005


Whip M. Off has always been a rebel. He's one of those grown-ups who refuses to act his damn age in spite of bein' a dad and having a runaway hairline. See, when Whip carouses, he really goes for it. He's not a tame horny duck like, say, Bruce Willis--hell, no. (Strippers and any female who just happens to be displaying a sizeable décolleté are never happy to see Whip's increasingly heavy gait head over their way.) Of course, W.P. might be acting like such an annoying doof lately 'cause he doesn't have Bruno's deep pockets. I mean he did, once upon a time, before a nasty divorce. Yep, poor Whip M. learned the hard way that prenups are a cynical but necessary part of marriage. (Britney Spears, you are a smart cookie in that department!) Mr. Off and his non-earning, hell-raising wife-unit didn't sign one, see. Consequently, Whip is, gulp, outta cash. Like, completely. And he's depressed, as in bring on the pick-me-up drugs, as in can barely fake a sexy smile. Jeez, who wouldn't be? Now, I'm gonna give you a reason to grin next time yer tending a bruised ego in the rear of an airplane. Mr. O. is so damn broke, he is flying coach--even when he has the fam in tow. Yes, this guy's IMDb page goes on for a million freakin' pages, yet he can't even get legroom in the sky anymore. And he's damn bitter about it, trust me. It's no wonder Whip's been acting strange lately, not his usual witty self on the red carpet and such. And heaven knows, we can't afford to lose any charmers in that department! (Oh, and by the masochistic way, Whip is obsessed with the stupid-ola fact of having not gotten a prenup, particularly when he's salivating--I kid you not--for his long-gone first-class days.) 
And it ain't: Eddie Murphy, Lorenzo Lamas, Alec Baldwin

Also eliminated: Val Kilmer, Jack Nicholson, Don Johnson, Charlie Sheen
Top suspect:  ?

11 comments:

blurry vice said...

Ted's clue for Christian Slater:

written 12/2/05
"I swear, there was something in the air at the Brokeback Mountain premiere. Such weirdness all around--which is why I'm still talkin' about it, you see. Like, who expected to see bad boy Christian Slater show up? After all, this was a serious night. After-party was prolly not on Paris Hilton's rooftop, if ya know what I mean.
So, anyway. Christian has recovered nicely from his fall. No scabs. And since he's obviously mastered Hollywood, I wanted his opinion. Is the media tougher on gay men than gay women? (Hey, if Ellen DeGeneres was a dude, would she still have a talk show?)
"I think men tend to be harder on men," he began, totalling piquing my interest. But then it was like a nasty alarm went off in his head. He snarled. He stepped back. "I don't know what I'm saying," he muttered, clenched his fists and walked off."

blurry vice said...

elims

"Dear Ted:
Is Whip M. Off from One High-Fuming Blind Vice Jack Nicholson?

Dear Geezer Type:
Now, darling, I can't really explain why I'm going to say this, but you are both very, very close and yet so far off on this one. Think no Oscar, not even an Oscar nom, come to think of it. And a tad less luck with the ladies."



"Dear Ted:
Reading your column makes work bearable. So, tell me, is Whip M. Off Val Kilmer?

Dear Windy Wonderer:
No, but that's actually a pretty damn good hunch--looks-wise, talent-wise and bags-under-the-eyes-wise. Think, uh, a bit less celebrated, little less good-lookin', too."


"Dear Ted:
I'm new to this game, but is Whip M. Off from One High-Fuming Blind Vice Don Johnson? Also, I wanted you to know that your column is the talk of our teachers' room at lunch.

Dear Teach:
Very good guess, my sweet--and I'm not just saying this 'cause you kissed my taut ass. Think, eh, a little younger--but just as reportedly well-equipped in the fire-down-below department."

Nickname unavailable said...

Christian Slater does a great imitation of Jack Nicholson - thus the "very very close" part from Ted. I think.

Mikayla Marie said...

I agree with Christian Slater if not only for the Jack Nicholson hint. As someone who grew up loving Heathers, Slater clearly was coping Nicholson's voice, attitude, and mannerisms in that, which didn't go unrecognized. Also, he made paycheck movie after paycheck movie around the time (Alone it the Dark & Hollow Man II serve as prime examples) plus he's always been rumored to be quite gifted with the "fire down below."

Love these Vintage Blinds!

Caz1310 said...

Hollywood is a cruel biz. It's funny that actors & celebrities so hot at one point in time (Slater, Paris etc etc) can now be so not hot. Agree with his Nicholson mannerisms - had forgotten that till now.

kristin said...

ha! Christian Slater doesnt have a BV, so this cant be him! It's the little things in life :)
So this is probably a Charlie Sheen?

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
In your blog about Ricky Martin, you mention that Christian Slater was at a bar known for it's drag shows, we all know CS has been a bit wild in the past

which makes me wonder, does he have a BV? If so, is it older than dirt?
—XXOO

Dear Heathers Help Us:
Oh, gosh, no. He's not BV material, babe!"

Rita, Montreal said...

Ted straight up answered my question on Charlie, and it ain't him.

Oddly, re-reading this and because of the no prenup and long imdb page, I was thinking Kevin Costner (even though he is strongly believed to be another blind, but we thought the same for Charlie's), and Jim Carrey. Had a very hard time for a while...

Kristen said...

Yeah, I remember reading this before wondering how he could possibly be broke, considering that he's the highest paid actor on TV (maybe he wasn't #1 at that time, but damn near close), and that's a regular paycheck , unlike movies. But everything else in it did fit. Any chance it could have been Nicolas Cage? He had well publicized money problems after this blind was written. But he got married shortly after his divorce, and most of his money problems were attributed to over spending, so I don't know if those facts eliminate him or not.

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
What is it with Charlie Sheen and self-destructive behavior? After his separation from his last wife,

I was certain that he was intentionally on the road to self-destruction by alcohol, drugs and cheap

babes. How does he keep getting away with it? Would really like to understand that one. I'm betting

Charlie's Blind is Whip M. Off. Isn't it time to reveal the extent of his callous behavior?
—Rita, Montreal

Dear Money Go Round:
There's one reason why he gets away with it: He's bringing in the ratings for CBS. Bad-boy behavior or

not, he's killing it on Two and a Half Men. And hate, hate to admit it, but if Sheen left, the show

would slowly crumble. I'm sure if Mel Gibson was somewhat successful these days, he wouldn't be as

much of a lost cause as he is now. Sick, ain't it? Oh, and you're off on Charlie's Vice. Kisses!"

Little Nikki said...

This is Steven Seagal. He was in a movie called "Fire Down Below". It airs all the time on cable TV.

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