Blind Vice! Crotch Uh-Lastic Takes to the Sexy Skies

Aaaah, crashing laptop!  Delays and more delays.  Here is today's Blind Vice from Ted.

Blind Vice!  Crotch Uh-Lastic Takes to the Sexy Skies

Must admit: we've been pretty worried about one par-tick Vicer lately. See, we adore Crotch Uh-Lastic and his hump-happy ways, but the dude's been tweaking out of his mind lately. Believe us, we so much preferred dishing on his skanky sexcapades than his dubious mindset.

Which is why we're très thrilled that CU-L has put the cuckoo crap on hold and is making a sexy splash with his many boy-toys these days. But he's not into the poolside scene like he once was. No, Crotch has upgraded to...

Yep, Crotch has taken his fagola flair to the friendly skies. But he's not picking up horny hunks in Virgin's first-class cabin—'cause like any celeb worth his superstar status, C racks up his frequent-flier miles on a private plane.

Sound familiar?

It's like Crotch took a page right out of Fey Oiled-Tush's guide to being a dude on the D.L.
Remember, Fey likes to take his plethora of handpicked young studs into the clouds and explore the cockpit, if you know what we mean (and we're pretty sure you do)—all while his poor, bitched-at pilot watches on.

The good news is that C-UL's personal sky captain isn't dissatisfied with his closeted clientele. In fact he likes Crotchy quite a bit—in a strictly platonic, hetero way, of course...for now, at least.

The bad news? He's still spilling secrets about Crotch's sexy vacays to anyone who will listen—tho the news that C is bedding boys is shocking to about...no one.

But Crotch isn't just in it for the nookie, he likes taking his pseudo-BFs on trips for two around the globe. First they do the deed and then go on a cutesie date in some far-off foreign local,e away from the bright lights and paparazzi lens of Hollywood.

Now isn't that just the most romantic thing you've ever heard?

And It Ain't: Garrett Hedlund, Stephen Moyer, Chris Colfer

Please refer to the label below for a link to our previous posts on the MANY CUL BVs.

Top suspect: as always, James Franco

Blind Vice! Crotch Uh-Lastic's Getting Careless

New from Ted today -

Blind Vice!  Crotch Uh-Lastic's Getting Careless

Crotch Uh-Lastic is continuing his downward, totally bizarre spiral.

As if tweaking out in the day and running on zero sleep wasn't damaging enough to that pretty bod of his, now Crotch is tampering with something we never used to worry about: his career.


Seems those concerned friend's of his have reason to worry after all...


Recently CUL agreed to make a guest appearance on a friend's website. Crotch is really quite funny, especially in skits like this. At least he used to be.


A source on the scene dishes that Lastic strolled in, totally unprepared and was completely unprofessional: "He shows up, and he hadn't read the script yet—which he had agreed to already have done. In the show he was supposed to be parodying his own persona. It was nothing too offensive, but he did one take, didn't think it was funny, and walked off set."


Apparently on his way out he called everyone on the crew "a bunch of nerds" and left his professional acquaintances high and dry.
There was another celebrity involved in the clip, and he had to pick up all of Crotch's slack.
This is so disturbing! Crotchy is one freaking talented dude, whether he's making us laugh or cry.
And to top it off, he's a totally nice guy. At least he was. We never heard of him being unprofessional in the many years he has been in this business. It's clear that no sleep is affecting this hunk muffin in a major way.
Wake up, dude, you've been given a great opportunity. To throw your talent and reputation away like this is a total copout. Just come out already! It's clear your guy on guy dalliances are taking a major toll on you.
Plus, it's not that damaging of a secret. Tons of people in H'wood know you're into guys and don't friggin' care!

And It Ain't: 50 Cent, Will Smith, Sean Penn

Refer to the label below for our other posts on the previous CUL BVs, including a full list of who has been elimianted.

Top suspect: James Franco

Blind Vice: Crotch Uh-Lastic Losing Sleep As Well As His Mind?

This was new from Ted yesterday March 4 -

Blind Vice: Crotch Uh-Lastic Losing Sleep As Well As His Mind?

The secret is that Crotch Uh-Lastic is the real badass in the bedroom. Charlie Sheen wishes he had the originality, hotness and stamina this guy has—no three-minute sex for our handsome Crotch!
But there remains a problem with Crotchy, and it isn't that he's not getting enough sleep or that he picked up some muscle dude who didn't exactly sign a confidentiality agreement.
It's something far more serious:
Friends to Crotch really think he might be losing his mind.
Sleep deprivation, for instance, can't suddenly lead to screwing women when you've shown no inclination toward doing so in the past. Uh-Lastic's pals were totally going "WTF, dude?" when they found out Crotch had done it with a chick recently. Really, that is so Toothy Tile and completely beneath Crotch's strong convictions to never live his life for the public. (He's insisted this to friends many times.)
Maybe he was just curious?
Bat-s--t bonkers and totally out of his gourd, is more like it. Crotch's friends are truly worried that their talented bud is less and less himself these days. Angry. Sullen. More tired than ever. Not even fun to be around when he gets high, which is a lot—more so than usual, lately, too.
Now he's having sex with a woman, whereas he's only had sex with guys in the past, and chewing out his friends, too.
"He's totally lost it," as one of Mr. Uh-Lastic's amigos put it.
Or is he just getting worried about that career of his?
Hmmm. We'll have to see about this one.
AND IT AIN'T: Jake Gyllenhaal, Justin Timberlake, Alexander Skarsgård

Please see the label below for our posts on the many previous CUL BVs, including a full list of who has been eliminated. 

Top suspect: James Franco

Blind Vice: How Far Can Crotch Push It?

New from Ted today-

Blind Vice: How Far Can Crotch Push It?

There lies a point when the debauched dalliances of our more storied Blind Vice celebs turn from sultry to sad. And it sure is getting that way, fast, for our beloved closeted movie idol, Crotch Uh-Lastic.
Poor Crotch. He used to amuse us all so much, by divining these ultra-elaborate kinky sex hook-ups, totally hot and daring stuff! But no more.
Now, Crotch is just plain ol' stupid:
Many of Crotch's close friends, colleagues and reps are hugely worried about the handsome dude. He's starting to do dumb things. He tweaks out all night, doesn't sleep, and then stumbles his way through interviews the next day.
Now, it's nothing new for Crotch to weirdly work his way through a chat with a journo—it's always been a charming side to the dimpled boy. But now all charm's been replaced by hollow eyes and listless pale skin.
"He's losing it," emphasizes a close confidant, adding Crotch's sexual escapades are "practically out in the open" to people in the business now. No one knows what's really going on up in Lastic's lonesome abode because he's exiling those close to him, beard included, who has stuck by him through a lot.
And it's not just risk-taking hook-up scenes, which we've mentioned before. But now the not-eating, staying up all night Hollywood way of living seems to have completely, sadly, taken over Crotch's very hunky existence.
Thing is it's not like Crotch is partying his talent away. You definitely won't see him out at the clubs with Leonardo DiCaprio's bromantic crew. Instead, CU-L is just isolating himself, ignoring calls for days, and appearing wackier and wackier whenever he mingles in with the real world.
Uh-Lastic doesn't even bother with the beard significant other anymore. No wonder the guy's been freaking people out lately with his career. Huge waste.
And It Ain't: Zac Efron, Leonardo DiCaprio, Tom Cruise

This is the 4th Crotch Uh-Lastic BV... here are links for our posts on the other 3:
Nov 20, 2009...  Aug 8, 2008, including our complete list of who has been eliminated.... and Aug 1, 2008.

Top suspect is James Franco.

Awful Truth's Crotch-Uh-Lastic Archive

Another archive from Ted and crew!  This time Crotch-Uh-Lastic, and you can check it out here. 

The Perp: Crotch Uh-Lastic
Primary Vice: Closeted actor
Blind Bio: Well respected thespian recruits the studs to play out fictional sexual scenarios before their big bang—and he can't get it up unless said situation is pursued! Crotch usually sends assistants to pick out his man-meat for him, and his handlers are getting concerned because his sexual dalliances around H-Wood are becoming less and less of a secret.

I'm so glad that eonline is getting organized.  We're not the only ones keeping track on these things!  Also, see our label for all of our posts here on this site on CUL.  Here is our post which includes a complete list of everyone Ted has eliminated.  We believe he is James Franco.

Crotch Returns in Slinky, Undercover Blind Vice!

New Ted BV today -

Crotch Returns in Slinky, Undercover Blind Vice!

Darlings, we were going to give you a New Moon Vice update, but for all of you who are so sick of vampires you could cry blood, we'll reward you by bringing back an oldie but yummy goodie.
Remember Crotch Uh-Lastic, the hunky, rising male star who would hire men to come back to his Hills pad, dress up in some swim trunks and get the naughty party started?
We can't believe it's almost been two years, but Crotch has officially risen, like a hunky hero out of burning celeb-saturated waters! Mr. Uh-Lastic has solidified himself as a respected Hollywood actor, which means it's time to be even more discreet 'bout his homolicious ways...
See, Crotch would love to go out, hit up the gay scene and bring himself back a cutie. But as the fagola Hollywood story goes, he so cannot out himself.
Not because he cares about being famous. No, Toothy Tile Crotch is not. Instead, CUL is more concerned how his sexuality would hinder the roles he gets, 'cause he's now being taken oh so seriously. He loves acting—not the ritzy lifestyle that comes with it. He doesn't even care that much about hurting his beard (if Toothy outted himself, it would be very damning to the both of them, in many, many ways).
So what's a horny, dude-loving guy to do?
Sic his assistant on the unknowing gay population of Los Angles, natch. Only problem is the de-lish men in West Hollywood are totally starting to catch on—and they're blabbin' about it, too! Halle-homo-lujah!
Mr. Lastic's assistant frequents the standard WeHo gay bars, successfully luring back men for his famous master. Too funny: It's also the exact same dude-fishing MO Furrowed Frank uses when he has his trainer lure future conquests for him at the gym!
Only problem is, if said man isn't interested in hooking up with Crotch on the down-low, the guy has no reason not to spread it around to his gossip-lovin' friends. Seems pretty strange to us, as Mr. U.-L. is as hunky doable as they come.
And as sneaky as Crotch would like to be, more and more people 'round town are starting to hear about what goes down, literally, up in his Hollywood home. And it's not just poolside, folks.
Think any of these guys will out dear old Crotchy soon? Doubtful. With his adorable dimples, more men will jump at the chance to jump CUH and then shut up about it after than won't. But remember, it only takes one.

And it ain't: Alexander Skarsgard, Matthew Fox, Ryan Phillippe

Top guess: Still James Franco.


Links to the two previous Crotch Uh-Lastic blind vices are here: Aug 8, '08 including a full list of those eliminated, and the first from Aug 1, '08.
And here is the most recent - Oct 8, '10.

Blind Vice Friday - "Closeted Stars are Dummies!"

Here's the new Blind Vice - it's done differently due to Ted's new layout:

Blind Vice Friday! Closeted Stars are Dummies!
This is just great. Not only is Crotch Uh-Lastic, whom you all met last week—-and whom I could have sworn it would be at least a few weeks before we all said hullo to again—really does have his brains stuffed deep inside his paramours’ overly tight swimsuits. See, the big-screen idol, whose pics make all kinds of bucks because their themes are all so brilliantly multiplatform, is doing things just like Toothy Tile. Now that word’s just beginning to get out that Crotch loves to lure "straight" men back to his Hollywood pad and have them don all sorts of skimpy swimwear (just so CUL can slowly take it right off), Crotchy-poo’s pullin’ an emergency Toothy!
Suddenly, Crotch's rarely seen (female) significant other is out at events more. Suddenly, the S.O.'s mentioned in media interviews. Suddenly, the S.O., who’s more East Coast based, is in Hell-Ay! None of this happened until more than just days prior to last week's baddy Blind, believe me. Oh, and then—quite the opposite—gone missing are Mr. U.L.’s previously very homo-friendly statements to the press. It’s all so Rock Hudson, really. Or Toothy Tile, as I said before. Now, a word to the surreptitious swim fan: T2, even though a surprisingly large amount of folks are buying this ersatz domesticity you're pulling off so well in the tabloids and such, it ain’t gonna work with you, bro. At least, not while you’re having nooky delivered to your house in limos. At least Tooth keeps it somewhat discreet with the BF!

And it ain't: The Rock, Matthew Broderick, P Diddy

Oh, now this combined with last week (see below), this is soooo James Franco.

Here is the link to the other Crotch-Uh-Lastic Blind Vice from Aug 1, '08
And here is the one from Nov 20 '09.  And Oct 8 '10.

* Update 6/17/11: Ted has eliminated The Rock, Matthew Broderick, P Diddy, Tobey Maguire, Topher Grace, Matthew McConaughey, Robert Downey Jr., Ryan Gosling, Josh Harnett, Ryan Phillipe, Kevin Spacey, Adam Brody, Chris Kattan, Brody Jenner, John Mayer, Derek Hough, Alexander Skarsgard, Matthew Fox, Ryan Phillippe, Zac Efron, Leonardo DiCaprio, Tom Cruise, Jake Gyllenhaal, Justin Timberlake, Alexander Skarsgård, Garrett Hedlund, Stephen Moyer, Chris Colfer.

One Draw-Strung-Out Blind Vice

Ted's latest BV Aug 1:

Lead-ins:

Mischief Mavens
Toothy Tile's got some big-box (office) competition with a similarly closeted mega movie star who's awfully kinky by the pool—check it out in Blind Vice Friday!

Drowning in Deceit
Crotch Uh-Lastic is the latest T-town lad to loosen his gay inhibitions—as long as he's at home by the pool with a damn-near porn script! Check it out in an all-wet, all-new Blind Vice!

One Draw-Strung-Out Blind Vice

Toothy Tile, doll-hon, you’ve met your homo match. ‘Cause there’s a new rising, closeted star in town (actually, he’s been rising for, like, ages now, but, whatev) who’s putting your clandestine, closeted—not to mention kinky!—ways to shame. Maybe you know him? Name’s Crotch Uh-Lastic. Ring a bell, babe? Thought so.
Now, keep in mind, Toothy and Crotch have never made a flick together, though they do both go in for the same roles rather often. Similar brooding thing going on. You know, that tough yet tangible, touchable, almost boyish loveliness, a little crusty on the sides, too. Know the type? Oh who cares about actor oeuvre, let’s get to the dirty part and oozing sex outta control, my little horn-hons!
So Crotch, like a lot of his hetero counterparts in this Biz, is all wrapped up in fantasy. Whereas Toothy likes it dangerous and out in the open—Hollywood parking lots, anybody?—Crotch prefers his assignations played out as if they were the plots of one of his artier flicks (he's had plenty). This is how the boy likes it: He chooses a stud, latest one being a straight—wink, wink, right—trainer who’s busy trying to get a modeling/acting/smoldering-look career going and asks him to come over to the Hollywood pad. Mr. U.-L. has an East Coast home, too, but the pool in his Hollywood hang is so much fun for game playing. The man-meat Crotch has selected is told, beforehand, to await his limo ride to the Hell-Ay house and, once he arrives, to head straight to the pool area, adorned with chaise lounges. On these tastefully tufted settees, like little lost Saks Fifth Avenue summer catalog lovelies, lay various box-cut (never Speedo, how Matthew McConaughey!) swim trunks.
Silently, oh so discreetly, the stud-for-hire is then told to take off all his clothes and put on any of the suits he likes, at which point Crotch struts out and the inevitable seduction, complete with end-of-the-show water works, begin. And Crotch can only get the ol’ equipment up and hosing, I’m told, if said scenario is pursued.
How damn exhausting. Whatever happened to a little sweat, not too much intrigue and even fewer props? Is that so old-fashioned? For Crotch, the answer would be yes.
And it ain't: Tobey Maguire, Topher Grace, Matthew McConaughey

* Our top suspect: James Franco.
Here is the link to the other Crotch-Uh-Lastic BV on Aug 8, '08 including a full list of those eliminated.
Here is CUL BV from Nov 20, '09.  And the most recent Oct 8, '10.