Saturday, March 5, 2011

Blind Vice: Crotch Uh-Lastic Losing Sleep As Well As His Mind?

This was new from Ted yesterday March 4 -

Blind Vice: Crotch Uh-Lastic Losing Sleep As Well As His Mind?

The secret is that Crotch Uh-Lastic is the real badass in the bedroom. Charlie Sheen wishes he had the originality, hotness and stamina this guy has—no three-minute sex for our handsome Crotch!
But there remains a problem with Crotchy, and it isn't that he's not getting enough sleep or that he picked up some muscle dude who didn't exactly sign a confidentiality agreement.
It's something far more serious:
Friends to Crotch really think he might be losing his mind.
Sleep deprivation, for instance, can't suddenly lead to screwing women when you've shown no inclination toward doing so in the past. Uh-Lastic's pals were totally going "WTF, dude?" when they found out Crotch had done it with a chick recently. Really, that is so Toothy Tile and completely beneath Crotch's strong convictions to never live his life for the public. (He's insisted this to friends many times.)
Maybe he was just curious?
Bat-s--t bonkers and totally out of his gourd, is more like it. Crotch's friends are truly worried that their talented bud is less and less himself these days. Angry. Sullen. More tired than ever. Not even fun to be around when he gets high, which is a lot—more so than usual, lately, too.
Now he's having sex with a woman, whereas he's only had sex with guys in the past, and chewing out his friends, too.
"He's totally lost it," as one of Mr. Uh-Lastic's amigos put it.
Or is he just getting worried about that career of his?
Hmmm. We'll have to see about this one.
AND IT AIN'T: Jake Gyllenhaal, Justin Timberlake, Alexander SkarsgÄrd

Please see the label below for our posts on the many previous CUL BVs, including a full list of who has been eliminated. 

Top suspect: James Franco


blurry vice said...

Sticking with JAmes Franco as top suspect for this one still. Fits him to a tee. Also "worried about his career"... fresh off his Oscar bomb.

blurry vice said...

bitch back from the same day as this bv -

"Dear Ted:
Come on, James Franco wasn't that bad. It was actually Anne Hathaway who annoyed me during the Oscars. She was way too over enthusiastic. I mean, do you really have to cheer for everyone? My question is about Natalie Portman and the Best Actress Curse. She and that guy Benjamin Millepied aren't going to last long, are they? The pregnancy definitely wasn't planned. Am I right?

Dear Blame Game:
I thought the Oscars were all about terrible, but at least Anne tried, albeit a little too much. She was a tad forced and you could tell she was nervous, but I'd take that over James Franco, who seemed like he hadn't slept in days. As for Nat, let's let the gal enjoy her moment and not predict the demise of her relationship! Jeez."

Unknown said...

I second Franco for this one. After his horrible Oscar hosting duties he apparently was so upset he missed his own after-after party - just didn't show up. Although he was supposed to.

Also, his publicist issued a statement saying that not only was James Franco NOT high during his Oscar hosting duties...but that James Franco is totally straight-edge. No drinks, drugs or smokes of any kind...ever. LOL, that is SO unbelievable.

Elle said...

I love that his publicist said he never drinks when he tweeted a pic of him directly after the Oscars on the plane with a Bloody Mary.

Anonymous said...

Yep, still sounds like Franco. I don't know why Ted never seems to consider the possibility when he does a story like this that he was wrong about the subject of the vice being gay and that the person is sleeping with women too because he actually likes both.

In any case, if it is Franco, it seems like he enjoys messing with people and dropping hints too much to actually make a truly definitive statement. He appears to like it when people speculate about him and about whether his various performance art projects have deeper meanings. Besides, the general public seems to miss that when he's been asked, he's denied that he's not gay, but that's not the same thing as claiming to be straight. I can just see him eventually pulling a bunch of terminology from queer theory about refusing to be defined by labels because he rejects the gender binary or something like that.

Kathryn said...
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Anonymous said...

Edit: what I meant to say was that when he's been asked he's denied that he's gay, an extra "not" got in there that didn't belong.

Clancy said...

Gender binary lol. I wouldn't be surprised if he's messing with people as rynthetyn said.

I taped the Oscars to watch it later and was expecting James to be abominable from all the reports going around but, although he was an unsuitable host, I really think he was just nervous and that was the way he dealt with it - by disconnecting and pretending he was above it all. He was holding it all in check.

Anyway, I definitely think this is him - Ted mentions in the BB he looked like he hadn't slept in days at the Oscars which ties in nicely with the 'sleep deprivation' comment in this blind.

sistah2 said...

LOL just mentioned to the sisters that I thought JF looked awful at the oscars - his skin and lips looked gray and the bags under his eyes were unbelievable.
then I saw this post and it all ties together!

Kristen said...

The one thing that always bugged me about the Crotch Uh-Lastic blinds were that I could never figure out when James Franco would have the time to do this shit. He is ALWAYS doing something. He's attending like five different colleges right now, and yet is still making movies, writing, producing artwork, and doing occasional guest appearances on "General Hospital". I can totally believe that he's into some weird shit, but I can never figure out when he does it. LOL. At least this finally mentions that problem a little bit.

And I find it hard to believe that he was exclusively gay before. I can buy him being with guys, but definitely not with them exclusively.

Tara said...

Clancy, good call, I agree--he was likely very nervous and uncomfortable and kind of shut down. He didn't have the normal Franco charm that comes with the eccentricity. I was actually wondering if maybe the producers of the show coaxed him into dressing in drag and it kind of threw him off. I have seen the magazine cover and I know he is comfortable enough to do that, but if he felt it was mocking or out of place in the show? Dunno, he didn't seem excited to do it (though his makeup looked fantastic) and if they kept telling him to liven up backstage, maybe he kind of clammed up even more.

I also think he is bi-sexual with a prefererence for men. Oooh, do you think Ted is trying to tell us he and Anne H hooked up? They had been spending an awful lot of time together with rehearsals......j/k;) Sorta.

Chrissie said...

I really have to go with Franco on this one. Are there any indications that it might not be him? Because I can't find any so far.

Anonymous said...

After watching some of the backstage videos Franco took, I'm inclined to chalk the Oscars up to stage fright. There's one he posted where he's waiting for his cue to go on stage while Anne Hathaway is singing, and he's laughing and looking relaxed, but the second he got his cue to join her on stage, his entire body language changed and wooden Franco took over.

Anonymous said...

I also think Ted's full of it when he makes it seem incredibly shocking and uncharacteristic that his supposedly gay vices have sex with women. He seems to think that only a certain fanged someone is a true (male) bisexual, nevermind the fact that there are leaners who aren't put-off by sex with the gender they don't favor.

I do think James may be burning himself out though.

. said...

I sometimes really do wonder if Ted's BV's are true.

But I'm going to have to go with Mr. Franco on this one. What ever happened to his beard? I never hear about her or see them together anymore.

David said...

Question. Clearly Ted C *wants* us to think this is James Franco. He's given us some incredibly unsubtle hints that it is.

If Ted is messing with us and it's really about some nobody, does it actually matter? If Ted C wants us to think it's Franco, would it make a difference if it isn't?

sistah2 said...

True dat. And thats how Ted's blind vice is played. See: toothy tile

Unknown said...
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Unknown said...


You bring up a really interesting question.

Here's a related question: Why do some stars quickly come to mind as the subjects of blind vices and others don't?

James Franco (yes) vs. Anne Hathaway (no).

Kevin Spacey (yes) vs. Tom Hanks (no).

Etc. It has me wondering.

medusa said...

Since this blind says he's "having sex with a woman" it seems to imply it's with one woman, correct? Or else it would say "having sex with women." Is there a woman Franco has been linked with lately?

Although looking through the older blinds, it seems that Ted feels there is a big difference between beards whose job it is to strike a pose for the paparazzi and others who are more in the background - there if you look hard enough but not so in your face.

pikespeak said...

It sounds like Franco. I keep hearing he's bi, anyway.

Anonymous said...

Like I said on blind sounds like Franco.

Who else do we know is SILEEP DEPRIVED? Doing WEIRD things? And everyone thinks is TALENTED? Franco.

But what about Vince? Vince lives with him and is ALWAYS with him. What is he doing?

I guess he can't mention Vinvce because it would be a law suit....

Because Vince is part of everything Franco does from movies to being on movie sets to his artist gatherings. Just google Franco and Vince.

I read a bit that Mila Kunis was after him and he seemed to reciprocate which came as a big shock to me as he's part of all things gay.

To me Franco is being self destructive and after the Oscars which he shouldn't have done AT ALL, this doesn't surprise me.

It's hard being in Hollyweird!

Unknown said...

It's been pretty widely and credibly reported that Franco does NOT use or drink (he's just weird). That pretty much excludes him from this vice...

Unknown said...

My two cents:

James Franco strikes me as a very talented, likable, bisexual (though gay-leaning) man. Sexuality is not always cut & can be fluid. Whether or not Franco uses HARD drugs is up for debate. I do believe he gets high every once in a while though (on who knows what).

Ted's blind (if you read it carefully) says that Ted BELIEVES Crotch is doing serious drugs and "tweeking" (meth) but he also says that Crotch spends most of his time alone doing it and isolated. If Crotch is alone, then how would Ted (or anyone) know that Crotch is for sure doing drugs? They wouldn't. Nowhere, I believe, does it say people actually WITNESSED Crotch doing drugs.

That being's completely understandable that people would think Crotch is doing drugs considering he is up all night and acting weird. So I can see how that rumor got started.

NOW, Franco seems to love playing with people. Franco seems to love doing things out of the ordinary and seems very creative and eccentric. He may have tweeted himself with a Bloody Mary but he may not have been drinking it. Just tweeted a pic of him with it in hand to get people talking. I think Franco is socially brilliant, personally...just way ahead of his time.

I think what's important to note here is that Hollywood is all smoke and mirrors. We really don't know what is true. Many people (both in Hollywood & in the real world) are one way in private and have a different public image. In Hollywood it is more pronounced. And just b/c people like Oprah, Kidman, Cruise, Travolta, etc present a squeaky clean persona and are perhaps completely different behind the James Franco could actually be THE OPPOSITE. I.E. squeaky clean behind the scenes and present a slightly whacked out keep people keep him relevant. Knowing that when push came to shove, his work would speak for itself. Franco strikes me as a "contrarian" who would act like that.

I can so see Franco being that way. That being said, Franco's performance was not good during the Oscars and it apparently upset him very much. (Personally, I THINK he was high on THC as well as being tired...JMO]

So, yeah, I think Crotch is Franco.

Anonymous said...

I'm inclined to agree that much of James Franco's public image is an act on his part. I think he's smart enough to not only know that Hollywood is all artifice but to actually deliberately play with that artifice to see how people react and that the whole thing other than his studies is all performance art to him. He wants to see what he can get away with.

Anonymous said...

How can Franco, if he is indeed strictly gay, say to his friends he is not going to live his life for the public, all while he has (or had, i don´t know if it´s over) for a long time a gf?

And Ted already said in a previous vice about Crotch that he had a beard, or something. The contradictions i find in this whole Crotch saga are above the roof, by now.

Unknown said...

@SVM: Similar to you, I find there are a lot of contradictions in the Crotch saga.

However, in this case, I don't believe it's Ted's "fault" (if you can call it that). Rather I think it's due to the subject of this blind.

James Franco is a puzzle. He seems to relish being a puzzle and enjoy being an enigma.

Franco has gone on record saying he believes sexuality is not cut and dried....but, rather a gray area. Perhaps he does not enjoy being labeled and refuses to live his life for the public by committing to either of the G or B in LGBT. He wouldn't be the first one.

Also, many many people say one thing and then...when push comes to shove...don't walk the talk. That is so common as to be depressing. Or, perhaps Franco even changed his mind - that does happen as well.

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
I recently read about Toothy Tile and was wondering how he's been lately and have he and Crotch-Uh-Lastic ever hooked-up before, or any attraction between them?

Dear Brilliant, But:
Slightly less scared, don't believe so, yes, definitely."

Anonymous said...

How exactly is Ted supposed to know and answer with such certainty about whether there's any attraction between Jake Gyllenhaal and James Franco?