Friday, April 11, 2008

One Special Scratch N' Sniff Blind Vice

New Blind Vice from Ted today... Super Duper Cooper is back!

Stinks N' Finks!
It's a very smelly—some say sexy—Blind Vice in the boudoir this Friday!

Natural Selection?
Oh, dear. Unless you've got a very imaginative (and open-minded) bent for things in the bedroom, wouldn't even bother with today's Blind Vice tale about Super Duper Cooper, who's really pushing it with how he selects his mattress conquests. And check out his erect desktop, babes!

One Special Scratch N' Sniff Blind Vice

Break out your umbrellas and stay out of the splash zone, Super Duper Cooper strikes again. Our sexed-out insiders are spilling about some other naughty boudoir behavior SDC has been up to besides becoming an Olympian at preorgasmic water sports, ugh.
Supes seems to like his female fans almost as much as he likes his steamy Hollywood girlfriends, and he treats both varieties of vixens with about the same amount of respect. The well-liked lothario scoops up the gals and spits 'em back out just as quickly, especially the ones who accidentally get knocked up 'cause of his encounters. Guy’s a low-down dawg, though his puppy puss makes him seem so much more innocent. Mr. Duper Cooper even marks his territory like man’s best four-legged pal: He’s been known to have his adoring fans line up against a wall, drop trou and go to town sniffing their derrieres like they were at the Laurel Canyon pooch park. Sounds kinda hot, but kinda gross. Don’t think this was just hazing for entry into the fan club—Cooper’s famous ex-flame was also privy to this way-too-personal inspection.
A bit too absurd for your prude tastes in titillation? We’re more confused than disgusted, since SDC also likes to throw on some gay porn while bedding his beauties. In fact, our too-close-for-comfort sources swear Duper’s desktop screensaver is none other than the male member, in its full pixilated 'n' engorged glory. Is this dude bisexual, or trying to cover up all the oft-blogged-about gay rumors by romancing so many willing ladies? Either way, he needs to be put on a leash before we turn back around to liking this lush lad.

And it ain't: Pete Wentz, Chace Crawford, Tom Brady

In the past, there was a Super Duper Cooper BV, and it was rumored to be John Mayer. See below, it was about him and a gf (presumed to be Jessica Simpson), and SDC liked to pee and poop on her. (Gross!). So, I am guessing John Mayer for this. Also, the AIA's here all clearly hint towards Jessica Simpson (her sister's bf, her bf's ex's ex, and a NFL QB). I'd like to point out, about the second BV below... there was a second time he was mentioned, a short blurb and we posted it here, and I thought it was Rick Solomon. (Hinting that he demanded his ditzy ex to have an abortion). We didn't have much discussion about it though, and now in hindsight I think that John Mayer fits that one too.
Here are the other BV's about SDC:
Oct 2007:

Kay, we know last week everybody got so damn grossed out over Sha-Sha Shimmy’s accidental (due to too many laxatives) poop session at a Hell-Ay mall. Well, all we have to say is, after you read today’s latest Blind installment, you’ll be screaming to bring Shimmy and her brown-stained antics back, already!
But we’ll give ya one saving grace on this new one: It’ll be brief. It’s just too gross not to be, really.
Here goes: Now, we’re not prudes at Awful, not by any means. Can’t speak for Cristina, really, but certain elder members of the Truth team have pretty much done it all. Spanking, peeing, bondage, cellophane, groups, ho-hum, whatever. All kinda boring, in the end, as it were. Nothin’ like plain ol' nasty one-on-one, we (predictably, and romantically) say! But Super-Dooper Cooper hardly concurs, of that, we are sure.
See, not only does Super-Doop live to urinate on—and be peed on by—his sexual partners, always very pretty, not often terribly smart gals, but now, we’re hearing he likes it even dirtier than that. Yep, you guessed where we’re going here, surely.
Mr. C just thinks it’s so orgasmic-fantastic to get shat upon by whichever curvy pretty hon he’s seeing. So yuck-o! And when his sizable, legendary talent isn’t enough dangling bait to lure whatever wary baby he can find to his rank boudoir, SDC simply orders out. And hookers charge a lot for that kinda merde, trust.
This is just too sick even for us. So, we’re outta here! Good luck guessing! Remember to towel off afterward, please
And it Ain't: Kiefer Sutherland, Chris Rock, Nick Lachey

January 2008: Well, we were going to blab all about pee-happy
nasty-ass demand that his (ex) blondie ditz dame get an
abortion—most men are simply hideous, straight and gay, all there is to it—but
after last week’s pooch-offing Blind left us in a very bad mood, just had to
offer up something, uh, a tad more festive to ponder this week. Hope you don’t
mind. Promise, back to the desultory trash soon!
* Update 5/25/11 - collectively, here are all the people that Ted has excluded as Super Duper Cooper:  
Kiefer Sutherland, Chris Rock, Nick Lachey, Tommy Lee, Matthew McConaughey, Christian Bale, Derek Jeter, Ryan Gosling, R. Kelly, Pete Wentz, Chace Crawford, Tom Brady, Chris Evans, Orlando Bloom, Tony Romo, Derek Jeter, Matthew McConaughey, Justin Timberlake, Kanye West, Colin Farrell, Tom Cruise, Channing Tatum, Matthew Morrison, Jamie Foxx, Alexander Skarsgård, Charlie Sheen, Kevin Jonas, Bradley Cooper

* * * Top Suspect: John Mayer

Here is the SDC BV from Nov 2010.  See label for other SDC posts.


Anonymous said...

Is it really John Mayer? Gives new meaning to "Your Body is a Wonderland". EW.

kellygirl said...

no wonder Jessica always looked like SHIT when she was dating John

duffgrl said...

If this is him, it is really,really gross. You're right Kelly-and her hair was BROWN when she dated him.

blurry vice said...

Not Chris Evans - " Think less hunk, in the fake H'wood sort of sense."

blurry vice said...

Also not Derek Jeter.

Someone guessed Tony Romo - "Clever connections, too bad your instincts pointed you to the wrong guy. Keep thinkin’, you’re close."

- this reaffirms John Mayer.

blurry vice said...

Also not Orlando Bloom - " Think this side of the pond scum."

blurry vice said...

Even Lainey knows about these John Mayer rumors. Here's what she said today while speculating the rumors about John Mayer and Jennifer Aniston.:
"Am hoping it’s for real. Because we’re all familiar with John’s peeing proclivities. And the visual of him spraying Rachel Green has now become the happy place that I go to during the last leg of a very long run."

blurry vice said...

In Ted's new show "Truth, Lies and Ted", Ted said "John Mayer better clean up his romantic ways, or he won't get any of the women he wants", or something like that. Ha! We know what he means.

blurry vice said...

In Lainey's column today, she makes another reference to John Mayer peeing on Jennifer Aniston. - "Since their romance became public, Jen has found herself making headlines several times a week. It’s addictive being back in the news again… especially since the planet can’t stop gushing about the Jolie-Pitts and the arrival of the Holy Twins. Nothing like the touch – and the piss – of a younger man to spice things up, to reassure the MiniVan that she’s still got it."

Super Duper Cooper :)

blurry vice said...

Lainey said the other day that John Mayer mentioned some rumors at a recent concert, this peeing on people one of them. He didn't deny it. Also Lainey now calls him the "Peeing Douchebag" and says that she has been reporting him as peeing on people for "ages". I don't remember that actually, I thought this BV from Ted was the first mention of it.

blurry vice said...

John Mayer mention here:

Dear Ted:
Is Petered Metered John Mayer? I grew up with him, and we actually dated awhile. I would bet my life on it.

Dear Growing Up Mayer:
Wrong B.V., hon! And we need to talk.

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Can you tell us what's up with Super Duper Cooper lately?

Dear Snoop on Coop:
He's been flying under the sleazy radar, actually. Sure that'll change soon when he launches on some innocent famous babe. "

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
So, in your most recent Bitch-Back, you stated, "Gerard is straight (I guess?), so maybe that's one step in the right dating direction for Aniston." So are you saying John Mayer is not exactly straight? I always thought so, and if so, he is a B.V., right? Throw me a bone! All eight of my dogs are rescues! And I became a godmother yesterday! Woohoo!
—Lady Greer

Dear Windy Path:
All I'll comment is—just because you've got a canine heart of gold—yes, J.M.'s no stranger to our Blind Vices. Or to other not-so-narrow activities."

blurry vice said...

John Mayer made it to the Blind Vice Superstar Gallery - here is Ted's hint -

John Mayer

This guy is such a public horndog it's almost shocking he's able to keep some of his private escapades just that. The notorious ladies man has no problem roping the babes in—but aren't you all just dying to know what dirty secret he has in store once his partners enter his love lair? Yeah, we aren't either.

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
How are things with Super-Duper Copper? Is he a changed man?
—Crazy Dog

Dear Still Troopin':
Hardly! He's dirtier than ever.

Dear Ted:
I keep reading that John Mayer is a douche but I really can't understand why. Can you please point me at the right direction? Tell me is possible that he isn't really that bad?

Dear Wake Up:
You know how guys talk to their friends about recent hookups? Well—he does that and blogs about it, for starters. Plus, you have no idea the stinky things he does behind closed doors."

Zepto Kitty said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
John Mayer is known for bringing "bathroom activities" into the bedroom. Does that mean Jennifer Aniston doesn't mind getting "dirty"?
—Trish and Connie

Dear Porcelain Habits:
She dated the yucky dude twice. Obviously she isn't as uptight as people think she is."

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
I can't stand John Mayer...He's almost like Jon Gosselin and those who shall not be named. There were headlines about an interview he did where he says he's not over Jen Aniston. Please! Can the guy be any more of a douchebag? It seems like he loves pulling strings and playing games with women. I seem to remember you saying that he's been a Blind Vice before; any hints as to what his vices are? Although, I'm already disgusted with what he openly shows.

Dear Spot-On:
These two men definitely share more than the same name. Mayer's Vice is so obviously dirty! I mean, cover your nostrils, girlfriend."

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Did you see John Mayer's "emotional apology" for his disgusting interview remarks about his "addiction" to sex with Jessica Simpson? He actually admitted being selfish, greedy and arrogant. What do you think, is this for real? Is this guy realizing how gross he is and making a change?

Dear Mayer Mania:
It is definitely for real that he is selfish, greedy and arrogant...but do I think he'll make a change? Maybe for a little bit, but he'll return to his douchebag ways eventually, just wait."

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
So, what do you think of Perez Hilton's claim in an interview for a radio show that John Mayer is gay? Can't say I'd be surprised. OK, I'd be surprised if it weren't true. But Hilton isn't exactly the most...trustworthy of sources. Hard to put stock in someone who regularly "borrows" stories from other reporters' hard work (cough, cough, you) without recognition of where the info came from. Has one of your long-time Blind Vices finally come out?

Dear Zipped Lips:
Trust me, babe, I keep all my Blind Vices super secret—as in, Toothy Tile's baby-style secret. As for the Perez poop? John unleashes his dirty sex on girls, I know that much."

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
What on Earth is wrong with John Mayer? No, I'm not talking about his suspected stinky proclivities, but his constant need to produce verbal scat. Granted, he's always been an indiscreet butthead, but he seems to have gone off the deep end recently. Is there something more to this than meets the eye? Figured you'd have the straight poop on this.

Dear More On Mayer:
If JM didn't like all the media attention he got (look at how much everyone is talking about him) he would shut the ef up. It's not rocket science (albeit the guy lacks a lot of smarts) to know that when you talk about your sex life with Jessica Simpson or use racial slurs it's going to get lots of attention. Then he goes and cries about how he's sorry on stage? It's all staged, babe. And we're all playing along."

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
I saw John Mayer in concert a few nights ago. I know he's a jerk, but that man is sexy! It's his voice and the way he plays guitar, whew! My questions are this: Is he really that big of a douche or is it for publicity? And who's the bigger jerk—him or Scott Disick? Or are they both jerks for attention?

Dear Beware:
The voice and guitar are how he gets you caught in his trap, and the next thing you know he's blabbing about your sex drive to a magazine. You've been warned."

blurry vice said...

Feb 12

"Dear Ted:
After John Mayer's unbelievably classless interview in which he did more than kiss and tell, I think it's time to out him as Super Duper Cooper. If he doesn't have respect for his ex-girlfriends' privacy, why should you respect his? If he objects to you revealing his Blind Vice, then he is more than just a douchebag...he's a hypocrite.

Dear Eye for an Eye:
John Mayer may be a blabbermouth, but why should I sink down to his level?"

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
My two sweet rescue cats and I think John Mayer is kind of a disgusting jerk. We haven't heard much about him lately. Are the girls around Hollywood finally getting the picture that this guy is bad news?

Dear Devil's Advocate:
Or is J.M. just getting more secretive of his sketchy habits? Also, remember: girls love the bad ones, always have, always will."

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
I have enjoyed your column for a while. Is Super-Duper Cooper Bradley Cooper from Hangover fame? Say it is not so?

Dear Oh, Please:
Doll, I can be obvious, but not that obvious. Think less gorgeous, but more openly daring.

Dear Ted:
Does Super-Duper Cooper like well-endowed women who can cook? If so, does that mean that they might be into the same kind of "crap"?

Dear Fecal Matters:
Well-endowed women, sure! And ya know, any other type of woman out there: young, old, thin, hefty, endowed or otherwise. If it's got a V for his P, he's game! Hell, he's into some guys, too. I don't think culinary skills tend to ever come up, though."