Friday, April 4, 2008

One Bisexual Bejeweled Blind Vice

Top Gun (Widescreen Special Collector's Edition)NEW BV from the Awful Truth


The Hex files
The closeted megastar Fey Oiled-Tush just can’t get no gay icon satisfaction in Friday’s Blind Vice, hooray for homo-helping Hollywood!

Cheap Tricks
For once, we've got a gay-friendly powerful figure in Hollywood who does not suffer closeted movie-star fools lightly—or inexpensively. It's not too often that Fey Oiled-Tush doesn’t get his spoiled, luxe-lovin’ way, but he sure as hell didn’t this time in Bel Air, in One Bisexual Bejeweled Blind Vice!

One Bisexual Bejeweled Blind Vice

Fey Oiled-Tush is a very rich man. He’s also a very desperate man, as so many celebrated Hollywood players ultimately are. After all, doesn’t success just beget the desire for more success—rather than satisfaction? Always. Just ask Michael Eisner, Mike Ovitz, Meg Ryan and assorted other colossal check cashers who once thought the green would never stop coming, only to see the influx dwindle considerably. But this Vice ain’t about power, it’s about fag-hag ass kissing, sorry.
Margarita Screwed-'Em-All is a reigning queen of Tinseltown. And even though she doesn’t go out much, she sure as hell did at one time—always with one of her myriad lovers/husbands/pets. (Paris was so not the first to make a pooch a photo-op accoutrement, Margarita beat her on that score ages ago.) Instead, M-babe stays home at her art-filled mansion (which is a little on the tacky side, I must say, unless you prefer brass deer next to your masterpieces and that sort of overpriced mishmash style). However, she loves to receive. Particularly the gays.
Elizabeth: The Life of Elizabeth TaylorTrue, she’s doing it less nowadays, but still, a flaming fagola—along with fewer and fewer members of Screwed-Em’-All’s own fam—still makes it up past M.S.’s fancy gates. And Fey, utterly distraught by the current downturn of his previously magical movie touch and sorely needing a pick-me-up, was dying to be one of them recently. Don’t think FOT mentioned anything about bringing the wife-unit when he—and not one of his minions—rang up Margarita’s secretary to request an audience. “Get him to buy me those jewels I liked,” Ms. S barked, via her assistant, back to Fey, message being no rocks, no tush pecking.
So Mr. Oiled-Tush, armed with the location of the baubles that tickled Margarita so, actually went and picked out a piece from the overpriced jeweler. Had it delivered pronto to Margarita, who, after tearing open the box which contained a sweet little piece, screamed: “One! He only got me one?”
Indeed, Fey had made the lethal error of purchasing not an assortment of expensive sparklers for Margarita to choose from—but only one already-selected lonely little lovely. Not good. Result being, there was no audience.
And the gift was not returned, bitch you very much. Poor Fey. What will he do for his mood-altering now, I wonder? Start up with the boys again?

And it ain't: Will Smith, Chris Rock, Brendan Fraser

* Update: Here is the link to the more recent Fey Oiled-Tush BV from January 2010.

For Fey Oiled-Tush:
As of 5/14/11, Ted has eliminated Will Smith, Chris Rock, Brendan Fraser, Kevin Costner, Albert Brooks, Harrison Ford, Mike Myers, Tobey Maguire, Kevin Bacon, Kevin Jonas, Marc Anthony, Matt Damon, John Travolta, Jeremy Piven.
*Top suspect:  now Tom Cruise after Ted's hint on 4/7/10 (See comments).

For Margarita Screwed-'Em-All:
Top suspect: Elizabeth Taylor.
Update - on 3/24/11, Ted has revealed Elizabeth Taylor as Margarita Screwed-Em-All in this post.


blurry vice said...

I am confused about Fey, but Margarita has got to be Liz Taylor, no?

Jgarvey32 said...

I immediately thought Liz Taylor too. Then I thought Travolta? Cruise? Or could it be more of a power player producer type?

Anonymous said...

Here's a fun fact - I found a site that talks about Elizabeth Taylor's jewels. She owns a pearl that was "worn by a succession of Spanish Queens and featured in the Velasquez portraits of Queens MARGARITA and Isabel".

Anonymous said...

Could Mr. "Oiled-Tush" be a reference to Tom's 2006 stunt on David Letterman where he chugged a bottle of olive oil with chef Jamie Oliver?

kellygirl said...

got to be Tom Cruise and Liz Taylor

sistah2 said...

I am a little confused by the story. His style is so over the top sometimes, I cannot make out what he is saying.

duffgrl said...

I was thinking Liz Taylor and Warren Beatty.

blurry vice said...

sistah2, exactly, I was just too confused to figure out the details. I got the jist of it thought I think.
duffgrl, where did Warren Beatty come from? I didn't know he was gay.

duffgrl said...

I don't know, I guess I always thought he was bi (I'm guessing by the title of the BI that Fey is bi)-so he could fit; he's married and not so powerful anymore. Could also be Travolta or Cruise, or ?

Carmen said...

The Liz fact was brilliant. I knew she had a thing for gems/jewelry, but I didn't know about the dog thing. I think Travolta is obvious.

blurry vice said...

Letter to Ted today:
"Dear Ted:
I'm fairly certain Margarita Screwed-'Em-All from One Bisexual Bejeweled Blind Vice is Elizabeth Taylor. That woman must have loved the institution of marriage, if not always the man. Or maybe she was too cheap to buy the jewelry herself. Fey Oiled-Tush is a tougher nut to crack. Could he be Kevin Costner?
Fairport, N.Y.
Dear Ms. Taylor:
How interesting, your guessing yourself! And you’re absolutely...hugely warm! Kev-babe couldn’t be further from the dude-on-dude money, though. Think less, uh, unshaven."

- So looks like it IS Liz Taylor.

blurry vice said...

Another letter -
"Dear Ted:
Could Mr. Fey-Oiled Tush from One Bejeweled Blind Vice be Albert Brooks, who wrote and starred in the movie Muse with Sharon Stone? There was a scene in it similar to that "not good enough" bauble tribute to the lady who probably is Dame Elizabeth. Fess up...are we warm?
Brookfield, Ohio
Not on Albert, that’s fer sure. Way the ef off, in fact. Think more chiseled, less naturally funny."

Molly said...

Sounds like Fey may actually be Tom Cruise, since Ted just linked Cruella St. Shackles with him. Also, I just noticed Ted asks what Fey will do for his "mood altering" - wasn't that one of Cruise's vendetta's some time back? Mood-altering drugs?

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Cruella St. Shackles is with Marky Sweet-Puss now, but was she ever involved with another Blind Vicer? You should do a post one day and call it six degrees of Blind Vices. I would like to see how they are all connected.

Dear Fab Idea:
Think you're onto something, sweetheart, as Cruella used to hang only with Fey Oiled-Tush; how did you ever know?"


blurry vice said...

Clarification above - Cruella is suspected to be Nicole Kidman.

The Spie said...

J: Mood-altering drugs is Scientology's vendetta, which makes it Cruise's. Long story short, Hubbard got a bug up his ass about psychiatrists because the shrinks pointed out that Dianetics didn't work. So when Ron created Scientology, he cast psychiatrists as TEH EBIL, and psych drugs as they way they control humankind. Thus Cruise's diatribe about Brooke Shields taking Paxil for post-partum depression.

As for the reveal in Bitch-Back, I really didn't want Fey to be Cruise. It was just a little too Death-Mint Myrtle for me. But this eliminates everyone else. Of course, we've said that before. Watch for a statement in Bitch-Back around September 2011 that Nicole Kidman has never been a Blind Vice.

blurry vice said...

Another top guess for Cruella is Jennifer Lopez. Someone she used to "hang with"? Ben Affleck. I think Ben Affleck could fit for this and he hasn't been eliminated.

The Spie said...

Blurry: do you think there's any other candidate for Cruella that Affleck's been linked to? I like Affleck as a candidate for this as much as I like Matt Damon (how ironic), but I just don't see Lopez as Cruella.

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
I am the proud rescue mother of three homeless dogs, one of which is a neurotic pit-bull. You mentioned in a recent Bitch-Back that Cruella St. Shackles used to only hang with Fey Oiled Tush. However, in your initial Blind Vice about Cruella you said that she had never dealt with such scandal in her personal life, only in her professional life. It would seem that a woman involved with Fey would be used to scandals, no? Are we to believe that Cruella's relationship with Fey was only professional?
—Pit Bull Lover

Dear Looking Back:
Oh, it was definitely professional."

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Simple question: Is Fey Oiled-Tush Kevin Costner?

Dear To the Point:
Straight shooter, I like it. No."

Anonymous said...

Ted just outed Elizabeth Taylor as Margarita. He wrote an article today about his interview with her in her home and describes the brass deer and the art.

blurry vice said...

YES I do consider this to be a reveal! The Bel-Air mansion, the tacky art, the brass reindeer.

Anonymous said...

There was a picture soon after Elizabeth Taylor died at a benefit or awards ceremony where she was being honored. She was seated looking very regal and classic Liz and guess who was crouched beside her with his arm on her chair, smiling WIDELY...TOM CRUISE with the 'wife unit' KatE Holmes (Mrs Cruise) crouched beside him not looking as smiley. When I saw this picture I remembered reading this blind vice and was going to send Ted and email. Looks like he received a few of them.

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Are your Blind Vices always about celebrities who are currently in the headlines? Would you ever post Vices on celebs who are past their prime (like the

Jersey Shore cast are becoming)? Thanks! My fuzzy feline and I love your column!

Dear Not Really:
Good question, but it's something that rarely happens. I did write one involving Liz Taylor, though, not too long ago. Girlfriend always knew how to screw

with folks, right up until the end!"

blurry vice said...

"fey oiled tush

Dear Ted:
Your Vicers and real people guessers for the herpes passer are both four. Is this is a slick way of allowing us to play matching the celebrity with his Vice

name? If so, I guess Leo for Seymour, Tom for Toothy, Elton for Bossy and Jeremy for Fey.

Dear You've Lost Me:
I thought you were going to say so is it Alex Pettyfer from I Am Number Four. Which actually would have been a pretty good, crafty guess! Not him, however.

Nor is it Leo, Tom, Elton and Jeremy. Interesting note: But, all four guys have other Vices. Good luck!"