Friday, September 26, 2008

One Signed, Sealed and Debauched Blind Vice


New from Ted:

One Signed, Sealed and Debauched Blind Vice
It's really one of Hollywood's best-kept secrets—right up there with what exactly went down between Tom and Nicole. And yes, if you're smelling a pooftah about to be (almost) outted here, then, babycakes, you are correct. Besides, I gave you all a het vice last week about how skank-a-thon you straight married folks can be, 'kay?
For the ribald record, do you all have any idea how hard it is to find surreptitious heterosexual effed-up behavior in this town? It's ridiculous! No one hides that crap in T-town! You straight Neanderthals are so proud of treating women like they so often treat themselves (starvation, mutilation, etc.). It's all the closeted fagolas who are worth writing about.
Take Petered Metered, for ince. He's, like, so famous for screwing everything that's boobalicous, always female, always a very broad-type o' broad, too. Know what I mean? P.M. truly loves the attention all this lady-killin' affords him, the more visible, the better. The more curvaceous, even more better!
A little obvious for my tastes, but in a town where a woman can still keep their kids and have a career comeback less than a year after they go bald-headed wacko, what the ef do I know about subtleties?
Obviously, not nearly as much as does Mr. Metered, who has it expressly written into the contracts with his girlfriends (yes, you read correctly) that they're supposed to go on and on not just about Metered's prowess, but his damn annoying wandering eye, too. It's all for effect. Just so the gullible public doesn't quit buying his product, which affords P.M. mucho purchased playtime with the—you know what's coming here, hons—the boys 'n' the toys. Lots of toys and gadgets and drugs and gels and porn and…jeez, doesn't anybody just have plain ol' sex anymore?
And it ain't: Sylvester Stallone, Colin Farrell, Matthew McConaughey



* Update 10/2 - Ted has eliminated Hugh Dancy, Mario Lopez, P-Diddy, John Mayer.

*** Our top suspect: Hugh Hefner
Please comment!

29 comments:

blurry vice said...

My initial thought was John Mayer, but since Ted revealed that he doesn't use the same name twice, can't be him (JM is Super Duper Cooper).
Someone in the comments under the BV mentioned Hugh Hefner. I think he fits the closest.

FrivolousMeanderer said...

The And It Aint's (AIA) are all guys who have publicly been outed for illegal drug use. Stallone-HGH, Farrell, I don't know exactly, but he's a known addict, and Matt--toked while bongo drumming.

Who else is a public user?

Theresa said...

it's gotta be ol Hef...I think the clue is the "...affords P.M. mucho purchased playtime..." part.

mo-mo said...

Hef really fits. It's gotta be him.

Anonymous said...

My old hairstylist used to do the hair of some playmates. When he had 7 girlfriends. They all signed contracts. No marriage, no pregnancies, No going out after 10pm. They all received an allowance and leased cars for the time they were there.

Jillian S. said...

I used to listen to Howard Stern in college and I remember him talking a lot about Hef being gay. Someone even claimed to have walked in on him with some twink.

Anonymous said...

I think this fits with Hef. It's obvious that the current Girls Next Door all have other boyfriends. It's been on every gossip site that Holly is dating Cris Angel, Kendra is dating some NFL star and even Bridget might have an old husband still hanging around.
It definitely sounds like a nice arrangement for all!

sistah2 said...

I was going to say Jeremy Piven - ( I keep thinking he's GOT to be a BV somewhere) - but you guys have me convinced its Hef.

Mr said...

C'mon people. Hefner is too obvious. Does anyone here seriously think the people who buy Playboy do so because of 80 year old Hugh Hefner in pajamas? Please! If he dropped dead tomorrow, Playboy would go on.
That said, I like the Piven answer. Always seems to be around the babes yet never seriously and takes his mother to award shows.

sistah2 said...

mr, thanks for endorsing my Piven guess - it may be him but, to your point re: Hef: I know most peeps would still buy playboy if Hef dropped dead, but if he was exposed as gay, it would be a little bit of a scandal for HIM personally - he is so into that image of a ladies man - I guess he's keeping it secret for that reason and also, it would induce lotsa late night/internet sniggering that could eventually tarnish the Playboy marketing persona they got going. ok I know I am way overanalyzing.

Mr said...

Sistah,here's the part I don't get. "they're supposed to go on and on not just about Metered's prowess, but his damn annoying wandering eye, too". Doesn't Hef just lay in bed all day now? How far can his eyes wander? Hell, at his age he's probably can't see 2 feet in front oh his face. Plus I never hear anyone talking about his prowess. My God, he's over 80. lol

sistah2 said...

yea, i think all that about Hef is total crap from a leftover image of 20 yrs ago. but, with that reality show he 's had going, it shows that lotsa people must still be buyin' it. also, his eye doesn't have to wander too far if he's at the mansion and there's still young gals all over. so, I guess that's why there is a contract - to promote the image? I like the Piven thing, but I dont think he's likely to have people sign contracts? I mean, he's not that big a star is he? the whole contract signing thing makes me think Hef - someone who has a business at stake, not just a tv star. whatev.

blurry vice said...

Dear Ted:
Is Petered Metered from One Signed, Sealed and Debauched Blind Vice Hugh Dancy?
—Lauren

Dear Peter's Pecker:
PM isn't British, but creative guess nonetheless.

blurry vice said...

Dear Ted:
Petered Metered from One Signed, Sealed and Debauched Blind Vice is totally Mario Lopez, right?
—Lttl Brat

Dear Too Much Access:
He does fit, but it’s not him. Think less of an obvious meathead.

blurry vice said...

Dear Ted:
Is Petered Metered Diddy? He loves curvaceous women—Jennifer Lopez and his most recent ex Kim complained about his wandering eye.
—J Stein

Dear Diddling the Wrong Diddy:
He does fit in many raunchy respects, but Petered doesn’t have as many A-list women on his track record.

blurry vice said...

Dear Ted:
Is Petered Metered John Mayer? I grew up with him, and we actually dated awhile. I would bet my life on it.
—Samantha

Dear Growing Up Mayer:
Wrong B.V., hon! And we need to talk.

gillian said...

Yep, Hef is a great guess- and funnily, not so surprising (though I'd NEVER have had the thought on my own!). His career and legend offer him the perfect foil to engage in his true desires- it's genius!

Baited Breath said...

Dear Ted:

Is it Brad Pitt?

blurry vice said...

Baited Breath - if you want to write Ted an email with your guesses, email him yourself. Ted will not reply to guesses posted here.
Also, do not post guesses starting with "dear ted" here. That appears to readers as if you were posting one of Ted's elimination letters which you are not. Please post your guess without "Dear Ted" on this site in the future.

blurry vice said...

Ted says
"Dear Ted:
What is the awful truth about Hef and the Girls Next Door, are they together, or not? I hate all the rumors. Just the truth. Please.
—Kat, GA

Dear Pondering Playmates:
No need to beg—they're not. Whether or not Hugh lives long enough to find three more ladies with as much personality as those blond babes, that's still up in the air. "

blurry vice said...

I wanted to add here, that we put up a vintage blind vice that we also supect the Hef for - Stanley Manly. Check the labels for the link to that one. He is either Petered Metered or Stanley Manly.

The Spie said...

Hold it...if Moisty Mohr is Ted's oldest Blind Vice, then neither Peter Metered or Stanley Manly is Hef, unless Moisty is very, very old indeed, and I don't see an octogenarian doing a threesome in a dressing room.

Either Ted forgot about these two BVs or we need to do a rethink.

Dawn said...

in today's bonus blind Ted references Petered, but the actual vice he refers to is the Stanley Manly one (watching etc). Could this be Ted's way of saying Petered and Stanley are the same person? Maybe before he got strict about them only having the one name etc? Long shot I know but it strike me as odd when I read it today

heather said...

Hmmm...... Like Spie mentioned ted said Moisty Mohr was the oldest bv. Robin Leach is in his 60's, Hef in his 80's. I think it may elim him as both, unless Moisty isn't really the oldest.

Jamee said...

Dawn--I thought the same thing! I don't think Petered Metered (according to this blind) is just "watching." Weird!

roseyf said...

This sounds a lot like Hef, especially after reading some of the tell-alls from former Playmates.

I think Ted plays a little with age ranges - Leach and Hefner are roughly 10 years apart, so when he says the oldest BV is "probably" Moisty, I take it to mean he's in the age range of the oldest. (Not to mention, Leach seems way older than 69, and has for a long time.) Also, for the Stanly Manly one, Ted had said Jack Nicholson is the right age range, and he's 5 years older than Leach. I assume he knows exact birthdays could reveal too much, so he tries to be a little more vague with those, or his definition of same age ranges is broader than most people's.

blurry vice said...

Yes, good call. Ted is morphing Petered Metered and Stanley Manly into the same person. And Hugh Hefner is our top suspect for both.
Coincidence or Conspiracy??!!

Dawn said...

Gotta love Ted, anyway, Happy Thanksgiving to all my American, fellow vice loving friends!

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Is Peter Metered around the same age as Moisty Mohr? And do you think Butter Pussy might come out of the closet when her career inevitably slows down? Or do you think it would have to come to a crashing halt for her to get the guts?
—Hannah

Dear Oldie but Goodies:
Yes, Moisty and Peter are around the same age. I think Butter Pussy could come out, easily, but it wouldn't be for a while. By her choice. She's utterly terrified."

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