Friday, September 19, 2008

One Undivorced Blind Vice

New Blind Vice from Ted...

One Undivorced Blind Vice - Straights are Sluts too

Oh, this is a tough one this week: Do we do the cable star who's pretending to have a stalker (she's sending herself all kinds of horrendous things at work, just so her contract-renewing bosses think the babe's got heat, as if package-sending retards, imagined or otherwise, are going to make a difference in their decisions, oh, please)?

Or the star who screws around like John McCain once did. Hey, it's political fever time out there, I vote for the latter! But first, gotta say something. You know, I really think a lot of you frisky folk out there are getting the wrong impression: That I think only gay guys pull the really self-hating, sleazy, deliciously kinky love crap. Hardly! You hets sure know how to get your skank on, too, hon-pies, of this, I am positive. Certainly, Gore-Me Garth proves this point excellently. A star of the screen's more, shall we say, gruesome tales, Garth-babe's been pulling some love exercises, off camera, that surely would make his wife's blood boil.

Zoom in on: A somewhat established Sunset Strip bar. It's empty, save the bartender (our source, like, duh), and Gore-Me and some chick he is not married to. She looks kind of exotic. GMG just looks horny. I think his pants are tenting, it's real under-the-bleachers kinda stuff. The couple who thinks they are so secretly flirting with each other orders buttloads of whiskey sours, which, perhaps—or not—explains why they then start acting like Toothy Tile in a West Hollywood parking lot, as they move to a couch and do what probably took John McCain at least a second date to do with Cindy. For hours. In front of the bartender!

Like, what, they thought booze-servers are priests or something? Did they think the uniformed type wouldn't blab? Now, I don't know how far, exactly, Gore-Me and his sultry lass went, but if we got another Reille Hunter type sitch in the works, wouldn't be at all surprised.

And it ain't: Will Smith, Dylan Walsh, Josh Brolin

Comments welcome!

* Update 9/28 - Ted has eliminated Matthew Fox, Tommy Lee Jones, Kevin Costner, David Boreanaz.


Anonymous said...

Freddie Prinze, Jr?

Anonymous said...

Good one! Married and horror movies both fit.
Yes, Freddie Prinze, Jr.

Anonymous said...

Sean Penn--he isn't in horror movies, but some of his have been pretty gruesome: 21 Grams, Mystic River, The Thin Red Line, Dead Men Walking. . .

"Undivorced" could refer to the fact that he and Robin split up for a while.

Anonymous said...

I remember seeing something about Robin and Sean getting back together ... with an understanding. So while something like this would make her blood boil, it wouldn't be that big a deal. Sarah Michelle Geller, on the other hand ...

Anonymous said...

How about David Boreanaz? It seems to fit...

Bones=gruesome tales

Gore-me-Garth sounds like last season's plot

Will Smith=Men in black... FBI type

It could fit.

blurry vice said...

Dear Ted:
Is Matthew Fox Gore-Me Garth from One Undivorced Blind Vice? Love your column!

Dear Silver Fox:
It's not a column, it's a blolumn, and, apparently, one I'm too ripe to be writing in the first place, whatever. Guess-wise, right stardom level, wrong fox. I think M.F. is more honorable than that.

blurry vice said...

Dear Ted:
Is Gore-Me Garth Tommy Lee Jones?

Dear DOA:
No way. Garth is far less critically acclaimed, fer sure. At least for now. Looks to be changing daily.

blurry vice said...

Dear Ted:
Is Gore-Me Garth Kevin Costner? He used to be quite a rounder.

Dear No:
GMG found his success on TV, not films.

duffgrl said...

I think David Boreanaz was a good guess; sounds like a tv star. He is on Bones and was also on Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I really don't seee the Freddy Prinze guess at all(?)don't think he was in a lot of gruesome stuff.

Anonymous said...

Josh Brolin

blurry vice said...

Dear Ted:
Is Gore-Me Garth David Boreanaz? I'm dying to know if I'm right.

Dear Not So Angel-ic:
Fab guess, but no. Think even more doable, darling!

Anonymous said...

al gore? too obvious?

Anonymous said...

Micheal c Hall? He's separated

Baited Breath said...

Johnny Depp

Anonymous said...

I think is Michael C. Hall, sounds like he fits perfectly. Stars on a show which tells "gruesome tales". His moniker is "Gore-Me"... all fits with his show Dexter.

Sophie S. said...

I thought Michael C. Hall's blind was from before he was married.

blurry vice said...

Hmmm... Michael C. Hall is a great guess!

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
I have a huge crush on Michael C. Hall. I really wish he wasn't married. Any hints as to what his Blind Vice is? Pretty please?

Dear Det. Dex:
His Vice was pre-wedding. Doesn't mean he couldn't be featured again, though!"

- I guess this rules him out for this. His was pre-wedding. GMG is married.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for finding that bitch-back and clarifying that for us Blurry! Guess that clears it up! which I'm kind of relieved about; I don't want Michael C. Hall to be skanky lol.

Unknown said...

maybe this is daniel craig?