Friday, August 15, 2008

One Skanky N' Straight Blind Vice

New from Ted...

Friday Fun! One Skanky N' Straight Blind Vice

Hold on to your hetero panties, ladies, because quite unlike Crotch Uh-Lastic, we've got a far straighter (for real) predator in town. Humpy, quasi-gorgeous reality-star Dexter Lecter likes to lurk around the Hell-Ay club scene looking for his fix or fixes, we should say—for purposes of full-disclosure journalism, as we know that's real important to all you horny hon-pies!—for the night. And let me tell ya, this addict never runs out of willing victims.

See, D.L.'s minifame is rather new, but it's building faster than his body parts, as D.L.'s dating (ha!, doing is more like it) a rather standout character on one of those catty faux reality shows we all can't get enough of. Admit it. Right now. Of course, you live for watching this crap as much as we do.

Despite Dexty's shy game onscreen, he gets quite lucky, big-time when the cameras aren't rolling. His attractiveness is def a help in the female-fishing department, but look—and this is what we've really gotta dish 'bout—his not-so-coy pickup lines scream: SoCal slut of all time. Yum, yum, right?

Uh, not really. Think of it as desultory mix between Porta-Potbelly and Gerard Butler, take a peek: "I can only f--k you in a couple positions, but don't worry, it will be great," he whispered in the ear of one too-too gorgeous T-town hottie who was kind enough to run and tattle right to A.T.! And how lame can you get—only two friggin’ positions? So gay.

What sort of player can get away with such a crass statement? Better yet, what sort of gal goes along with this? Too many, 'cause neighbors see gals galore going in and out of Lecter's hills home 'round the clock. If only D.L.'s reality GF knew. Trust, she doesn't now, but will soon.

And it ain't: Jason Wahler, Brody Jenner, Michael Lohan

Please comment!

* Update 8/20 - Ted has excluded Bret Michaels, David Cook, Reggie Bush.

*** UPDATE 8/25 - Ted has revealed Dexter Lecter to be Doug Reinhardt! ***


blurry vice said...

I'm not up on all of the current Hills men. Spencer, that Justin Bobby guy? Who are Lauren, Lo, or Audrina dating right now?
What's with the Michael Lohan AIA?

Anonymous said...

I think it is Justin-Bobby. Definitely him.

Anonymous said...

I agree - Justin Bobby for sure!

Anonymous said...

It's definitely someone on The Hills "Lecter's hills home", and it just has to be that man-skank Justin Bobby. What a lame-o!

Anonymous said...

Justin Bobby!

Anonymous said...

This is as bad as the one about the wife being dumped and the friends following the money. Is anyone surprised? And more importantly, who cares (especially if it's Spencer Pratt)?

Anonymous said...

You think Justin Bobby is "shy"? And what's the Michael Lohan connection?

Anonymous said...

Spencer Pratt for sure. I think he is creepier in a hannibal lecter way than Justin Bobby. Plus are Audrina and Justin Bobby even really together? Heidi and Spencer have more of the boyfriend girlfriend relationship.

Colts#1Filly said...

Audrina is with BMX rider, Corey Bohan - just saw a pic of them on PopSugar.

Colts#1Filly said...

Just read about Doug Reinhardt, LC's "new boyfriend" on the Hills. He's good looking & a minor league baseball PLAYER.

Hint? "What sort of PLAYER can get away with such a crass statement?"

blurry vice said...

Dear Ted:
Is David Cook the Dexter Lecter from this week's One Skanky 'n' Straight Blind Vice?

Dear Cook Caper:
Thank gawd, no, we're happy we still have some respect for the Idolizer. D.L. is nowhere near as talented as D.C.—although this is reality we're talkin' about, does that narrow it down at all?

Dear Ted:
Is Dexter Lecter Bret Michaels? Ewww! Oh, by the way, the new format ain't so bad. Normally, your Blind Vices are kind of annoying (guess my brain just doesn't work that way), but this one got me.
—Guilty-Pleasure Girl

Dear Save Your Bret:
We don't doubt Bret has said his fair share of skanky sayings in his time, but this B.V. ain't him. Younger. Less tragic.

blurry vice said...

Dear Ted:
Dexter Lecter sounds like Reggie Bush to me. Could this be a University of SoCal slut?

Dear Young and Raunchy:
Actually, rather close, but wrong profession, doll-sausage. Think less sweaty, at least in front of the camera.

Anonymous said...

Ted just posted an item on Doug Reinhardt and Paris Hilton hooking up. Perhaps this is what he was hinting at with "Trust, she doesn't now, but will soon"

If so, these blind items are getting easier.

Anonymous said...

why only two positions? Is the guy injured or something?

blurry vice said...

Ted says:
"Consider it an early prezzie for all you nasty heathens who are so busy saying our fab new yellow blog is badder than Michael Jackson's bedtime manners. Remember that biz last week about Paris Hilton possibly going into a bathroom with Lauren Conrad's discarded man trash, Doug Reinhardt? Paris insisted it never happened. Hmm. Well, OK, GF.

But look, we see a potential pattern here 'cause, what a coinky-dink, turns out Doug's actually the one and only Mr. Dexter Lecter himself from One Skanky 'n' Straight Blind Vice. We're sure you remember that salacious little installment about the dude who whispered at a club he could only screw our leggy source "in two positions," should she be interested. She wasn't, fool.

'Course, probably saved the babe bum loads of embarrassment later on, but whatever. Really, this is all suddenly smelling very Rick Salomon again, and I don't mean that in a good kinda stinky way, hons."

Anonymous said...

a friend of mine just got back from la and said that not only did she see doug r hitting on everything in the room, but that he asked a girl in her party to meet him in the bathroom. sex or coke? hhhhmmmm, maybe both?