Friday, October 24, 2008

One Fine-Print Prick Blind Vice

Football Soccer Professional David Beckham PosterNew BV from Awful Truth today...

Friday Fun! One Fine-Print Prick Blind Vice

Chalk another one up for the hets! When Stud-Bucket LeBeouf (no relation to the errant driving one) gets a woody for somebody other than his wife, he gets it in writing—always. But let's back up; wouldn't want to shoot our Blind Vice wad too soon, ya know!
Oh, and also: Look, for those of you out there who so (naively) think these jokers in H'town don't hook up with their attorneys looking over their erections at the same time, hey, you got another think comin', babes.
So, back to Stud:
Guess not everyone in H'wood is gay, but many in this town are pretty damn slimy. Mr. LeBeouf, for example. He's a megastar, by all standards, no doubt about that. S-B is mediocre-talented at his nonthespian career, but there's nothing mediocre about his looks—I mean, if I weren't married, I'd drool over him with the rest of the starry-eyed lot, fer sure; the dude's totally doable. He's got the bod, the hair, the style and the equipment down below, to boot (something I swear every one of my chick friends tells me they care more about than do gay men, and sisters, that is so saying a lot).
S-B.L.'s equally famous wife is just the topping to his sweet-ass life. He's pretty much the dude every guy wants to be and every gal wants to nail. Howev, lucky enough for the femmes, this is damn feasible. S2 has no problem stepping out on his honey and fam. He's just careful as hell when he does it: "He makes you sign one gnarly confidentiality contract beforehand," dished a recent and fresh Stud screw. "He uses them as customary procedure whenever he cheats," oozed the female, and this is quite often, trust.
Want details? Which kind? The inky ones first: Yes, we're literally talking a typed-up and ready-to-go piece of paper Stud-Bucket carries around with him, ya know, just in case. Like a condom! What, is this the newer safer sex? And there are no exceptions. Ever. Every lady Mr. L. has is required to sign on the dotted line before she's allowed between the sheets, which brings us directly to the second set of details. "Nothing kinky," blabbed our first-genital source, "but very nice ride"; most excellent tools, she added. Jeez, we're pretty surprised S-B.L. hasn't gotten caught by his wife-unit more often; we hear she's dumb in more ways than one.
And it ain't: Kobe Bryant, Gavin Rossdale, Seal




* Update 10/19/10-
Ted has eliminated Kobe Bryant, Gavin Rossdale, Seal, Tony Parker, Ben Affleck, Ashton Kutcher, Antonio Banderas, Keith Urban, Ryan Seacrest, Nigel Barker, Javier Bardem, Gael Garcia Bernal, Marc Anthony, anyone of Hispanic heritage, Jesse James, David Boreanaz, David Arquette, Matt Damon.
Men eliminated by way of NOT being Roxy Couture's spouse - Tom Cruise, Brad Pitt, William H. Macy, Mark Consuelos, Kobe Bryant, Matthew Broderick.

***
Our top guess: David Beckham ***

Here is the link to the SBLB BV from February 2010, which includes a list of who has been eliminated as his wife, Roxy Couture.  And here is a link to the most recent Roxy Couture BV.

52 comments:

Anonymous said...

Antonio Banderas?

Jennifer said...

David Beckham!

blurry vice said...

I was thinking David Beckham too. Unfortunately. :(

Anonymous said...

Yes, I am changing my mind to Becks. I missed the non-thespian first time around...cannot be Antonio.

Anonymous said...

But there's no way Beckham could be described as "mediocre-talented", right?

It would have to be a megastar athlete pr performer who is over-rated...

Anonymous said...

Well, Beckham isn't the soccer player he used to be. He is more famous for being famous these days. He's been hurt a lot over the last couple years.

Boss Bunny said...

This one just SCREAMS Becks. There used to be a lot of items about his playing around, but they've been quiet over the past few years. Now I think we know why. It's Beckham.

Anonymous said...

At his prime, Beckham was considered good, but never one of the best, really - and even those days are long gone, after the injuries and natural decline that comes after a few years as a professional athlete...
So everything really seems to fit.

Anonymous said...

Chris Martin? Not hot in my personal opinion but some may disagree and everything else fits.

sistah2 said...

I was going to say Patrick dempsey, but after seeing the AIA's I think..its this a hint its a singer? A British singer?

Then I saw the Chris Martin guess, and BINGO! ITs him..see Lainey today..she has an item that confirms the gossip that he steps out on Gwen..

Anonymous said...

Chris Martin is NOT a megasuperstar nor is he the guy every gal (and guy) wants to nail. He is average looking although some may find him hot, he's certainly not considered hot by the majority.

Anonymous said...

Kobe Bryant = a cheater and a sports superstar

Gavin Rossdale = a brit married to a singer who also has a fashion line L.A.M.B.

Seal = a brit married to someone in fashion who attempts to sing on Seal's CD

Becks = a cheating brit sports superstar who is married to Posh = a brit singer into fashion

Anonymous said...

Oh ya and forgot to mention:
Bryant = LA Lakers
Becks = LA Galaxy

Anonymous said...

David Beckham!!!

Anonymous said...

It's got to be David Beckham. His soccer skills are not what they used to be and everyone was talking about the size of his "package" after those Armani ads hit. Also, I work with both Beckhams and they are HUGE on confidentiality agreements.

Anonymous said...

Anon 6:06
We are supposed to believe that you know & work with the Beckhams?
How convenient.

Anonymous said...

It's not Chris Martin. Ted mentions how great the man's hair is. Chris Martin's hair is not so great.

Anonymous said...

The last comment about his wife being "dumb" makes me think it isn't Gwyneth, but Victoria ...

sarah said...

The French last name makes me think of Tony Parker aka Mr. Eva Longoria... I wouldn't call him mediocre at his career though. Also, the "and fam" part throws it off because they don't have children.

Anonymous said...

The "mediocre-talented" comments makes me wonder ... I presume he is a really good footballer, so this wouldn't fit. Hmmmm ... who is an actor and something else?

Baited Breath said...

Dear Ted:

Is it Enrique Iglesias?

Baited Breath said...

Dear Ted:

Is it Enrique Iglesias?

blurry vice said...

Ignore "baited breath"'s format. That is his/her own guess, not an elimination from Ted.

Here is one though -

"Dear Ted:
Is Ashton Kutcher the Stud-Bucket LeBeouf from One Fine-Print Prick Blind Vice?
—Kamila

Dear Studly 'Shton:
Fab guess my dear, but no. Although SBL does dabble in modeling."

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Is Stud-Bucket LeBeouf Tony Parker? I must have a black heart thinking how delicious that would be after Eva's "royal wedding" in France!
—Anne

Dear Desperate Hub-unit:
Close on many accounts. But no. "

Anonymous said...

wow the modeling thing REALLY makes me think david beckham...

Anonymous said...

Oh this is totally David Beckham! Everything points to it. Remember the big scandal a few years ago when he got caught with his assistant. OF COURSE he makes women sign contracts he doens't want to go through that again. Yay I guess that means I do have a shot after-all!

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Is Stud-Bucket LeBeouf One Fine-Print Prick Blind Vice Ben Affleck? Would you please run a list of folks who aren't Toothy Tile to help me narrow the field?
—Cheryl

Dear All About the Benjamins:
What am I, your lackey? There's a whole Toothy-dedicated site that should help you out, prolly won't have any trouble finding it. And Stud isn't exactly an actor type, at least not always. "

- mention about us!

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
I think Stud-Bucket LeBeouf is Antonio Banderas—will you let me know if I am right? I love your column—first thing I read when I get to work.
—Kim

Dear Blind Banderas:
A.B. is still, against all odds, stickin' with wifey Mel, as far as we know. You're warmer, origin-wise."

... Origin is Europe. Definitely David Beckham.

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Is Stud-Bucket LeBeouf from One Fine-Print Prick Blind Vice Javier Bardem? Gael Garcia Bernal? Pretty, but not so much pure carne... It's so not Marc Anthony—ew.
—La Nenita

Dear Dios Mio, No:
S-B's not of Hispanic heritage, hon.

Dear Ted:
Is Stud-Bucket LeBeouf Keith Urban? Some would say he has great hair, and he definitely is mediocre at his nonthespian career.
—qa143

Dear Urban Legend:
I would say both, but I wouldn't call him Stud-Bucket. Think far more doable (certainly for a second go-round, hon, unlike Keith)."

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Is Stud-Bucket Ryan Seacrest?
—Nikki, Wash.

Dear Wringing Ryan:
E! prolly wouldn't let us tell you if it was...good thing it ain't. "

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
I think I know who Stud-Bucket LeBeouf is. It's Nigel Barker from ANTM, isn't it?
—Bgubernatis

Dear America's Next Top Man Whore:
Definitely not. Much more high-profile, much. "

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
No questions, just love, hon. You're the last honest gossip blogger left in this fakeass town. Unlike other hypocrites (who seem to be on the Madonna/Brangelina/Beckham payrolls), you have not sold out—keep the truth (dirt) a coming!
—Raydiate, West Hollywood

Dear Fakery Faux Pas:
Thanks, but can't you tell I'm on Tom Cruise's money list?"

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Is Stud Bucket LaBeouf Ben Affleck, and Toothy Tile Aaron Eckhart?
—S

Dear Double Whammy:
Stud is a current superstar. Eckhart is close with T.T., but not the answer."

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Mrs. LaBeouf sounds like someone spicy like Eva Longoria Parker. Is Stud-Bucket Tony Parker?
—Jane, Sydney

Dear Park It Like Parker:
Stud-Bucket isn't a B-ball player. You're guess for Mrs. LaBeouf is closer."

- SPICY = spice girl = posh

I Am Thinking said...

David Beckham and his wag posh!

blurry vice said...

Ted 11/13

"Uh, Is David Beckham Worth It?

We aren't really sports fanatics here—we tuned into the Olympics for Phelps' abs, not his athletic ability. But when there's a celeb doing the swinging, swimming or kicking, we take extra-special attention. The L.A. Galaxy, L.A.'s own soccer team with British babe import David Beckham, ain't having the greatest year.

In fact, they're having their worst year ever. D.B.'s team scored a tragic 29 points in 27 games, the lowest amount since the team's inception, even going 12 straight games without a win.

Wasn't Golden Boy Becks, the club captain, s'posed to be some lucky charm or something? He's the highest paid member of the team, scoring a deal reportedly worth a whopping $250 mil.

But as soon the Beckham clan arrived on American soil, Davey immediately busted his knee and couldn't play for six weeks, resulting in the team's worst year, until now anyway. So, is that butt load of money well-spent?

We inquired with both the Galaxy's and Beckham's reps about their disappointing year, haven't heard back. Maybe a pep talk's in order for some teammates who might have an inferiority complex while the international superstar underwear model's on the field with them.

Guess there's a silver lining somewhere—attendance at Galaxy games has never been better, every supposed soccer fan coming out in droves to see Posh's hubby play, hoping that Vicky and the kiddies will be cheering from their VIP box. And Tom Cruise has a much needed new BFF, which is heaven-sent stuff, truly."

Anonymous said...

Rande Gerber: married to Cindy Crawford and has kids with her...

Anonymous said...

Michael Douglas & Catherine Zeta-Jones. I overhead a conversation about this "contract" a couple of years ago. He has every new female employee sign it prior to working for him. Any female under this contract is REQUIRED to have sex with MD if he asks. CREEPY!

tikitac said...

Matthew McConaughey

tikitac said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
blurry vice said...

Bex made it to the BV superstar gallery -

"
David Beckham

Most doable guy alive? After R.Pattz? Probably! But Posh's hubby bares his abs more in underwear campaigns than he does his Vice-worthy dalliances. A guy this mouthwatering can't stay out of trouble for long—and he doesn't.
"

blurry vice said...

Today when discussing Tiger Woods' affairs, Ted said
"Jeez, now do you all see why Stud-Bucket LeBeouf makes girls sign confidentiality agreements before they do the nasty?

Athletes, man. Do they get caught cheating because they're straight? Lord knows much worse is going down in Hollywood with all of the closeted actors round these parts."

Hint that SBLB is an athlete.

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Can you help me out with two questions please? Are Will Smith and Jada really as into each other as they pretend to be? Like 100 percent? Also David Beckham and Victoria; how is their marriage really coping since his alleged affair with Rebecca Loos? I don't believe for one minute that he has cleaned up his act that much!
—Dutch

Dear One Degree of Tom Cruise:
Interesting couples you picked there. Let's just say both marriages have their issues, but they are totally different. In many agreed-upon ways."

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
I have to agree it's a double standard to "out" Jesse and Tiger, for instance, for their sexual peccadilloes but not Toothy, etc. But it was the pieces on the side, so to speak, that went to the media. Does that mean very few of the side dishes for Toothy-type celebs go to the media? Or the media isn't interested? Wouldn't it be interesting if gay lovers ended up being more, well, tight-lipped than their straight counterparts?
—J

Dear Tough One:
No, the media would definitely be interested. 'Tho payoffs and confidentiality agreements here and there have helped prevent it. Usually it's the side-dishes that won't or are not allowed to speak. You know how Stud-Bucket LeBeouf carries around confidentiality agreements when he steps out on his wife? Well, Toothy and the gay gang are 10 times more cautious when they do their naughty acts."

blurry vice said...

http://www.eonline.com/uberblog/the_awful_truth/b178173_would_you_doa_
recovering_david_beckham.html

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
I have never sent in anything to you but I have to ask this one...Is David Boreanaz Stud-Bucket LeBoeuf?
—P

Dear Good Guess:
Stud has higher star power than David. And is much sexier."

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
What's David Beckham up to now that he has nothing to do due to his injuries? Sure, he's appearing on advertisements and stuff, but does he have any actual career-wise objectives? Or is he now going to simply live off the excessive amounts of dollars he's earned?
—Plpmoichis

Dear Soccer Spender:
Like he's gonna be an actor or something? Not hardly. Admire the guy for sticking to his talent and not trying to abuse his fame by diving into places he doesn't belong. Although, I gotta say, he would make for one hot season of The Celebrity Apprentice."

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Out of all the Blind Vices who has you the most surprised they haven't been caught yet? Do any ever get sloppy and let their guards down?
—Helen

Dear Of Vice and Men:
Most of ‘em, actually. Sure Secretia Ohio and Chester Shorts-Off might be the sloppiest, but you'd be surprised at how many of these Blind Vice stars could get outted at any minute...but who still keep up their vices, of course. Oh, and Stud-Bucket LeBeouf. Discreet isn't in that babe's vocabulary. It's just going to take one slipup for a helluva lot of them to shape up."

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
I'm from New Zealand and love reading your site—especially the Blind Vices. I was just going through some old ones from before I came across it, and found Seymour Plow-Me-More. Sorry if this has already been asked, but any chance it's David Beckham? Considering the amount of women claiming to have slept with him I'm unsure, but everything else fits. Sorry to hear about Cleo as well, I'm sure she got her angel wings.
—Curious Kiwi

Dear Sey-ing Double:
Nope, Dave is a B.V. of a whole different genre. Sey is less hunky, in the traditional sense."

blurry vice said...

""Dear Ted:
You said in a Bitch-Back! that my personal favorites, David Beckham and Ashton Kutcher, have been Blind Vices, but a long time ago. Does that mean that they are no longer participating in said Vices?
—Andie

Dear Bad Boy Syndrome:
That would be a big no, Andie. Just because I haven't reported about them in a while doesn't mean said Vices don't exist. But I'll tell ya one thing, you may be off when trying to figure out their BV's."

blurry vice said...

http://www.eonline.com/uberblog/the_awful_truth/b203129_caught_posh_becks_keep_pda_minimum.html

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
You have mentioned that stars use confidentially agreements to keep their vices out of the limelight—a certain B.V. star of yours being just one. If a mistress, for example, went to the papers stating the affair and the contract she signed, wouldn't the star taking her to court for breach of contract just confirm the affair and make it worst on the star? So wouldn't that make these agreements pretty useless?
—AJ xx

Dear Ahead of Yourself:
Never gets to that point. The hookers (male and female alike) like their money too much. Plus, they are intimidated. This is a fact."

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