Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Ted babbles about fake Jake/Reese

Today in the Awful Truth, Ted babbles on and on about how Jake and Reese's relationship is fake. We know this is major hinting towards Toothy Tile.

Morning Piss: Gyllenspoon-Fed Merde

Reese and Jake. Those sweethearts are two of the most talented, adorable and luscious babes to hit T-town in some time.

Don't agree?

Think Reese is just a pixie-ish little waif with pale sex appeal? Think again. And if you consider Jake all boyish 'n' bashful brooding, no real outward he-man stuff goin' down, think again on that score, as well. R 'n' J are both terrifically not of what you see in real life.

And this whole aw-shucks romance they've got going down is so not how both types really are—why in the world the public is lapping it up, hook, line and photo-op, is beyond me.

Just look at their pics together, everybody! They act like bro 'n' sis (and not even particularly close ones, at that). These babes have movies and careers and agendas to sell, oldest story in the world. Jen and Vince, anyone?

Ms. W is the craftiest broad alive; she's teaching J.G. spectacularly well. Just ask Ryan Phillippe if you don't believe this to be a high probability. But on the other hand, if this sorta white-bread, milquetoast romance is what you need to get your fantasy on every morning, then, dears, go right ahead, be my limp guest.

I just prefer my Awful readers to be fully informed consumers, that's all.

Don't worry Ted, we get it...


Anonymous said...

I am so addicted to this site.

Anyways, I understand what's in it for J.G., but what's in it for Reese, other than a frequent photo op? I mean, she's pretty famous and works a lot already, does she really need the photo ops? Maybe she's just trying to stay fresh since women are generally old early in Hollywood. Any guesses?

And is Ted hinting that Ryan is gay too?

Anonymous said...

Or maybe Ted is just full of sh*t and is riding on this Toothy Tile blind item as long as he can, because his 15 minutes are coming to an end.
I'm not a fan of Jake G. and Reese W. grates on my nerves, but this whole "their relationship is fake" blah blah isn't believable anymore.

Anonymous said...

He might also be bi. I mean there's no way that Dunst hag would've put up with him not boning her. She's too much of a diva.

Anonymous said...

why is ted the only one pushing this so hard? he has to talk about how fake they are at least once a week. i see none of this anywhere else (as far as blogs, gossip sites, mags, etc). is ted the only smart gossiper in hollywood, or is he just full of crap?

kanonymous said...

"He might also be bi. I mean there's no way that Dunst hag would've put up with him not boning her. She's too much of a diva."

From what Ted has said about Toothy's previous relationship, I think their relationship was real. That doesn't mean he's not gay. It also doesn't mean he's bi. Lots of gay men have been in sexual relationships with women, even though they are really gay, not bi.

kanonymous said...

"And is Ted hinting that Ryan is gay too?"

I don't know if Ryan likes girls or not, but I know for a fact he likes guys (or at least when he's drunk . . .). In fact, I've always been surprised that I've never read any rumors about it in the gossip columns. Actually, I did see a blind item pertaining to him once, years ago, but that's it.

Anonymous said...

kanonymous, how do you "know for a fact" that Ryan P. likes guys? Are you one of those guys?
According to gossip blogs every second person in Hollywood is gay and from a statistical point of view this is just not possible. Don't get wrong, I believe that there are quite a few still hiding in the closet, but as much as Ted wants us to believe? C'mon!
As I've said it before (12:39) I call bullsh*t on this whole TT story.

kanonymous said...

All I know is that he likes to hit on guys when he's drunk (he also likes to get drunk)--which is why I wasn't surprised when I read his marriage broke up. You don't have to believe me, and to be honest, I don't believe it when I read this stuff about celebrities either. You are right when you say "According to gossip blogs every second person in Hollywood is gay," so when I read that kind of gossip I take it with a grain of salt.

I just think it's odd that the one actor I know for a fact likes guys is the one actor I never read about liking guys in the gossip columns.

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
I have been an avid reader of the Awful Truth for about five years, and I am a huge fan. I always wonder why we make a huge deal of the alternative reasons Jake is with Reese, but we do not question Reese's questionable devotion for being with Jake. She's surely not so desperate, right?
—Kate, New Orleans

Dear Wondering Witherspoon:
Well...I wouldn't say so, but some folks might. You see, she's very fond of Jake, that's why. Truly. "

sistah2 said...

I have to agree with nix that this whole TT thing Ted has going seems just to much overkill to me. So he's outing JG. Ok we get it Ted. Where's this baby Tile? etc etc....also Knon above, interesting info. RP does seem a little light in the loafers now that I think about it.
anyone want to gander a guess at what the heck Ted meant by his letter response above? Once again I cant even understand what he's rambling about.

blurry vice said...

I know... we get what he is trying to say. But we have yet to see it come to light.

As to his answer, I think he is just saying that she sincerely is fond of him. Nothing else.

Unknown said...

What's in it for Reese to keep up with this charade? I have heard nothing of their relationship that makes me believe that it is all for show. A friend of mine has seen them many times at her gym, with no paparazzi around obviously, and she says they are an adorable couple - lots of PDA.

If Jake likes boys - then he must be BI. And right now he is choosing to be with Reese. You aren't in it as far as they are (living together, his relationship with her kids, etc.) if it's all for show or companionship. TC needs to get over it.

Anonymous said...

see this!!

Dear Ted:
Please, pretty please, with loads of nonfattening goodness put out a book of all the Blind Vices and put in who they are if you've revealed them. Thanks for bringing a laugh and taking our minds off the real world.
—Ardleigh Street

Dear Pen It Out:
Sounds too fab, shall we call it The Talented Mr. Tile?

OMG is Toothy Tile Matt Damon????
he has big teeth btw

Anonymous said...

Damon has been eliminated (thank goodness).

sistah2 said...

FWIW - Ted has stated recently that TT is not BI.

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Several times you've told us that you don't believe the whole Jake/Reese romance thing. Now you tell us that Reese really likes Jake? Which is it, Ted?

Dear Look Deeper:
There are many forms of like."

Anonymous said...

i think toothy might be justin timberlake. I dont know if this has been disspelled or not or if he even fits the profile, BUT JT is dating jessica beil who is a media whore. JT (ex boy bander) could possibly be gay (again ex boybander) she is with him for the photo opps that hep her career. All the pap photo's seem to be staged and again he used to be in a boy band. It alls seems kinda fake to me. but i could be totally wrong.

blurry vice said...

Justin was eliminated long ago... here's the link to our post of who has been eliminated.

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Not a question, just an observation: I just read that Hayden Christensen and Rachel Bilson are building a house together and talking marriage. Obviously this story was planted by their publicist since I can't recall seeing them together for quite some time. I guess we needed a reminder of how "in love" they are because I'm sure we all forgot or don't care. P.S. I love your Bitch-Back! sessions.

Dear Homebodies:
Let’s just say I feel about those two like I do about Reese and Jake. But on a much smaller scale, natch."

Anonymous said...

Sistah2 asked: anyone want to gander a guess at what the heck Ted meant by his letter response above?

um, my take is maybe she's the girl with no gaydar (like Rachel Dratch on SNL) or the hopeless romantic that thinks she'll be the one to fix him.

It's possible, we see lots of those poor girls in real life, I don't know why we expect the Hollywood Hills should be free of them?

sistah2 said...

That is so funny. I never thought of that, but your right. It reminds me of what that wise sage Kathy Griffin says : " Sometimes we just dont realize that our boyfriends are gay!"

Anonymous said...

RE: Anonymous 12/2 above and Ted's answer regarding "like"...I don't think Reese is clueless. I think she knows EXACTLY what the score is. To me it sounds like she "likes" him for the publicity their faux-mance brings her. Ted's "Bitch-Back" today all but named Jake as Toothy. See the post about Heath Ledger and playing a gay character in a movie. In the same column he says Reese has gotten exactly what she wanted. If Ted's BV's and subsequent "answers" in the Bitch Backs are to be believed, I firmly name Jake as Toothy and Reese as Shafterella

blurry vice said...

Look at the progression of these 3 letters to Ted (below). Also if you go to Ted's column, there is a picture of Jake Gyllenaal next to these letters. A small shot for the Truth, Lies, and Ted videos. Coincidence? No! ---

"Dear Ted:
Soon it will be the fourth anniversary of Toothy Tile, the young closeted movie star who wanted to come out at a certain time in his life. I'm not waiting any longer for this to happen. Tell me, does Toothy secretly still have a coming-out wish? Can we expect something to celebrate for his fourth-year anniversary?

Dear Happy Gayversary:
In order: Hip-hip-homo-hooray! Nor am I. Yes. Getting cemented in the back of the closet work for you?

Dear Ted:
Please, Ted, give us some sanity. I've been reading Reese Witherspoon's quotes about love and marriage, all part of her new movie promotion, of course. Her biggest admission? She's too trusting and loving! Yeah, that's how she got to the top of the Hollywood heap. If she can't be honest can she at least be quiet? Calming down now.

Dear Golden:
She's got her Oscar and her status. She doesn't need to play the game anymore. Or that one, anyways.

Dear Ted:
I'm just wondering if one of your closeted Blind Vices would actually portray a gay man in a movie? Wouldn't you think that would be a little too life-imitating-art for someone who was trying to make the world believe otherwise?

Dear Nice Try:
Is that just a way of trying to guess the talented Heath Ledger? Respect the dead!"

Anonymous said...

WOW at the Heath Ledger thing. If that's not a hint, I'm not sure what is....

sistah2 said...

Lainey says today ( and she has said before) that Jake is absolutley not gay, and the rumors are "flimsy". I dont think Lainey has the final word on alot of things, but I think she's "inside" enough to know ALOT of things....any chance she's right?

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
I had a dream you were riding a white horse, shirtless and standing up! Then you told me Jake and Reese are both gay. What do you make of my dream?

Dear False:
You clearly don't read my competition."

Anonymous said...

i don't read it that way at all, i think he is saying that the romance was hot and heavy before she got divorced and that she is not as innocent as we would all believe she is....i think ted is saying that they are trying to sell us this pure, innocent image and really they are wild and kinky, sexual people and maybe were before they should have been.