Saturday, October 18, 2008

One So-Straight, Way-Cheap Blind Vice

New from Ted yesterday 10/17 -

One So-Straight, Way-Cheap Blind Vice

OK, you sexual preachers, it's been quite the week for preferences and politics, all zeroing in on just what we do in the privacy of our bedrooms. Are some actors gay but pretending to be straight? Vice versa? And how much leaning one way or the other then negates one's true sexual calling?

Forget all that. 'Cause here we got one majorly obvious hetero dude and his skanky actions with chicks. No, not in between the sheets, hons. We're goin' for where it counts: the wallet. And the schmuck-wad factor. Listen...

Henry Skank hasn't always been in the lauded limelight. It's been a slow crawl upwards from his hole-in-the-wall comedy days to makin' sweet paydays like he is now, just secs into the big-green club. But what he lacked in his bank account mere moments ago, he made up for with tons of babes.

Back when he was just a struggling funnyguy instead of the nascent success job he is now, H.S. was dating three babes all at the same time, and not one of 'em knew about the other. He even had the audacity to gift each gal the same exact present recently. Even more unfortunate, the prezzies were from not Tiffany's but Walgreens, painfully proving the dude wasn't rolling in dough—or class.

Cheap goodies can be found, darling, but not there. At least not when orgasms are involved. Who knew this somewhat handsome man—who's still with one of these honeys (apparently the one who doesn't mind drugstore romance)—was once such a cretin Casanova? Guess women aren't lying when they say they like a guy who makes 'em laugh. But they probably prefer a man who's monogamous.

And it ain't: Tony Rock, James Marsden, Seth Green

* Update 1/23/09 - Ted has eliminated Chris Kattan, David Spade, Paul Rudd, Dane Cook.

Please comment!

24 comments:

blurry vice said...

Hmph. Mario Lopez or someone. Not very scandalous I must say.

steviescott said...

I'm thinking dane cook.

Anonymous said...

Dane Cook seems like a good guess. He seems like a skeez, he is kind of funny and kind of good looking. Actually did stand up, now doing movies. Is he still with a long time girlfriend?

Anonymous said...

What about that guy on the Ghost Whisperer. He had a slow rise and now is probably making more $$$ because of the tv show. He's 'somewhat' good-looking. I can see him being popular with the girls - he seems 'manipulative' and skanky. I'm sorry I forgot his name. He was a stand-up comic at the beginning of his 'career'. I just remembered his name, Jay Mohr.

steviescott said...

Last I heard, Jay Mohr was married to Nikki Cox from Las Vegas. Don't know if they're still married, though.

Anonymous said...

dane cook!

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry I live in Europe now. What is Dane Cook up to that he is in the money now?
The blind doesn't say if the guy is married or not? Did I miss something?

Anonymous said...

Jay Mohr....eyyyeeeee

Anonymous said...

Andy Samberg? Ted says the guy is a somewhat recent success, and Dane Cook and Jay Mohr have been established for years.

blurry vice said...

I keep seeing "Henry Skank" and seeing Hilary Swank. This has led me to guess Gerard Butler. (Co-starred with her in PS I love you) He kinda fits.

Anonymous said...

Loved last week's Vice, really had my brain working. Anyway, my guess is Chris Kattan as Henry Skank from So-Straight, Way-Cheap Blind Vice. I can't imagine that he's been that good with the ladies, but he did just recently separate from that model with the crazy name.
—Justine

Dear Chris Questioning:

Anonymous said...

Dear Ted:
Henry Skank has to be David Spade!?
—Beachy

Dear Skank Watch :
Doesn't have to be David, 'cause it ain't. Think far less sketchy-seeming a character.

Anonymous said...

This elimination makes me think Seth Rogan (he and Paul Rudd have been in several movies together).

Is Paul Rudd the Henry Skank?
—Kamila

Dear Pondering Paul:
Very warm, my dear. Think a bit bigger. Famewise, not just girth.

Boss Bunny said...

I wonder if that means it's Seth Rogan.

Anonymous said...

Seth Rogan is looking like a pretty good guess, I wouldn't say Dane Cook is more famous than Paul Rudd (I LOVE PAUL!), but Seth Rogan is - and girthier! Dane Cook is skinnyish.

blurry vice said...

Dear Ted:
Loved last week's Vice, really had my brain working. Anyway, my guess is Chris Kattan as Henry Skank from So-Straight, Way-Cheap Blind Vice. I can't imagine that he's been that good with the ladies, but he did just recently separate from that model with the crazy name.
—Justine

Dear Chris Questioning:
It ain't C.K.—think far funnier.

Dear Ted:
Henry Skank has to be David Spade!?
—Beachy

Dear Skank Watch :
Doesn't have to be David, 'cause it ain't. Think far less sketchy-seeming a character.

blurry vice said...

Sorry didn't realize the above was posted already. I agree - this letter hints Seth Rogan.

Dear Ted:
Is Paul Rudd the Henry Skank?
—Kamila

Dear Pondering Paul:
Very warm, my dear. Think a bit bigger. Famewise, not just girth.

Baited Breath said...

Dear Ted:

Is it Jack Black?

Anonymous said...

i was thinking seth rogan, and also ben stiller but he's way too famous now and i don't see the relationship with Paul Rudd

Anonymous said...

i was thinking seth rogan, and also ben stiller but he's way too famous now and i don't see the relationship with Paul Rudd

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Is Henry Skank from One So-Straight, Way-Cheap Blind Vice Dane Cook? Also, I was wondering something about your Blind Vices: Do you share the subjects' true identities with your husband or trusted friends, or do you keep the secrets all to yourself?
—Em

Dear Oldie But Goodie:
What's the fun if you keep them all to yourself? And no, wrong vice for Dane. Think a bit older."

Kant said...

someone mentioned Steve Carrell and looking at the "schmuck" reference - could be? And warm in regards to Paul Rudd.

Michelle said...

I agree w/Baited Breath; I think it's Jack Black too

Elizabeth said...

I think this is Steve Carell. He hinted it had to do with a drug store or being cheap.

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