Friday, October 3, 2008

One Vaccination-Required Blind Vice


One Vaccination-Required Blind Vice
It can be a rocky journey to the top, and no one knows this better than Finnegan Furrow-Brow. He's been in the spotlight for years, but never had that star recognition until most recently. See, Finny's a younger-type dude who's been thrust upon this world of flashing lights and flashing panties simply due to his ambitious achievements (which, of course, means he's starting to dabble in all kinds of crossover activities too, which usually happens with the young, firmly muscled and pretty popular).
F's tight ass and adorable smile def don't hurt his fame cred, either, but newly minted megamoney and magnified status aside, FFB isn't exactly a traditional knockout stud. Regardless, his basically "unthreatening" demeanor gets girls into the throes of his sheets all the damn time, anyways. But...these digging damsels shouldn't be too eager. Here's why:
Despite Frazzy's best ass-getting efforts, when it comes down to it, he often has difficulty knocking the cojones outta the park. Why? Oh, not because of any diss-able effort on his part—turns out, actually it's quite the opposite, as Mr. F.B.'s predicaments usually occur because he's such a good guy. See, he got the herp. And being the nice boy he is, he'll always warn (hugely unlike most of his H-town counterparts, hugely) these supple potential nooky sirens that he has herpes, but not to worry cause they can "just use a condom."
Cue girl's exit. Almost always.
Sheesh, maybe the dude should take that offer Miley Cyrus shot down and start reppin' rubbers? At least he'd get the (bigger) bucks if not the girl.
And It Ain't: Jesse McCartney, Cristiano Ronaldo, Roger Federer

* Update 7/16/09: Ted has eliminated Shia LeBeouf, Adrian Grenier, Zac Efron, Michael Cera, Gerard Butler, Daniel Radcliffe, LeBron, Rob Pattinson.

*** Our top suspect: Michael Phelps. (Basically confirmed by Ted on Dec 2.)***


blurry vice said...

This sounds a lot like what Ted wrote about recently with Michael Phelps, taking home the girl from the club? Hold on I will find it...

blurry vice said...

Here are two blurbs he wrote about MP recently:

"Michael Phelps told People mag that he doesn't really consider himself a ladies' man—good thing, neither do we! Says M.P., "When I go out, go to dinner, I go out with friends, and we stay to ourselves. I don't think of myself as a sex symbol. My mom is by far the most important woman in my life."

Sweet, but B.S. Mikey's been makin' his rounds like a guy hopin' to score out of the pool, hitting up all the hot spots on both coasts, which is exactly where he ran into our bedroom eyes (and her lips, and then some).

Maybe too many women were reporting back to their pals with negative press on Phelpie's lack of skills and he decided to run the other way to a sure thing: endorsement deals. Smart move, Mikey! Cereal boxes can't squawk back to their friends how disappointing it is being in your mouth.

And People is such the perf place these days for those darling, public-swaying statements regarding situations that may not be what they at first appear to headline be! What a quick learner you're already turning out to be, Phelps. Well done, dude!"

Michael Phelps was slutting it up this weekend, that's for sure. First in Vegas with those bunnies and other Sin-City crusties, and then, again, in Hell-Ay, mainly after the VMAs for assorted reportedly debauched goings-down. Don't get us wrong, the fast boy def deserves the chance to sweat salaciously. Sort of like we’ve been secretly sweating over him for weeks. You know what we’re talking about, stuff like supposedly cheering the rosy boy on, all patriotic-like, while hiding our luscious little swim-fan thoughts. Don’t deny it.

By no means are we hating on his game...just dishin' about it.

See, we had a little chat with a former between-the-sheets flame who was lucky enough to be lit by Phelps's butane stuff. Only prob being, his lighter never really got pulled out.

But let's back up: Much like we exclusively told you Monday, our loose-lipped looker said she, too, could not stop raving about how hot-bodied and genuinely nice the cuddly lad was. But we all know the trait of nice guys, don't we? Not exactly night-to-remember stuff going on here.

Like, if this most recent hookup (of which we were very solidly second-handedly assured, no, we did not sleep with M.P. ourselves) got shown on the Internet, no one would make it through it. Our sexy siren barely did. She revealed to us kissing the six-foot-four-inch boy was a little "weird...but it grows on you." Like no duh, it must have if you continued to shack with the dude.

But that was it. No orgasmic gold medals. No fireworks in nether parts of the body normally hidden by bathing suits with tight drawstrings. She was into it, he, apparently, was not. Just lots and lots of drinks and very odd, slightly misfired kissies. So why get her hot and not follow through?"

Nature Girl said...

Good guess BV!
Sounds pretty bang on, especially after another reading.

Anonymous said...

I think it's Rafa Nadal. Hints:

Anonymous said...

When I first read this BV I was positive it was Michael Phelps because it sounded so much like Ted's previous post on him, but after reading it more carefully, I'm not so sure. In the BV Ted says "not because of any diss-able effort on his part" but Ted DID diss Michael for not making an effort with that girl. In the BV he says the girls leave Finnegan Furrow-Brow ("cue girl's exit"), but in his story about Michael, Ted says the girl was interested and he wasn't. And also, the BV says "it can be a rocky journey to the top." How exactly was Michael's journey to the top rocky? And lastly, today TMZ posted a pic of Michael with a girl they called his girlfriend, which, if true, makes it less likely that he's out there slutting it up.

sistah2 said...

I dont have a clue who this is, but to respond to anon 843: I do think Phelps may have had a rocky journey to the top: he has adhd, a dad that left him, and he had a DUI a few yrs ago that cost him alot of respect after his 1st olympics.

Anonymous said...

It's sounds like Phelps to me.

rocky road to the top - check
ambitious achievments - check
tight ass - check
adorable smile - i would say goofy smile but some might say adorable-check
nice guy - check
H-Town counterparts? Not sure about that one though
It might be Shia Lebeouf . I just read his bio..his folks were hippies, his dad was in the circus and everything else might fit. Read an interview a few weeks ago where he said he can meet chicks but isn't a good closer

sistah2 said...

yea . could be Shia LeBeauf.

myfairlady said...

I doubt Shia is such a "nice guy."

Boss Bunny said...

I don't think it's Michael Phelps, but he has been dipping his wick into the H-wood Herp Pool. It seems Ted would have used this BV instead of the one where he said MP didn't live up to expectations. So I think it could be two different guys. And, agreed, I've never seen Shia described as a "nice guy." Michael K. at Dlisted calls his Shia LeDouche. Anyway, I don't think this BV is an actor.

Bletchley Park said...

My vote for this is Jonathan Rhys Meyers. Here’s my reasoning:

“Finnegan Furrow-Brow” – Finnegan implies Ireland (JRM is born in Dublin), and in some of his film credits, there is a dash between R-M.

“Spotlight…” – JRM has been acting forever, but he’s only recently become a name-recognized star in the past couple of years.

Physical Description – Nice body, nice smile, and JRM is perhaps a little too thin and short for “traditional knockout” This is the one area that I think my theory may be weak. I've seen him on the Tudors and I think that JRM is stupidly, obscenely hot. Could just be me, though.

“H-town” – this is a Hollywood guy, I think, and not a sports guy.

“Jesse McCartney” – an actor who sings… JRM in Velvet Goldmine, August Rush

“Cristiano Ronaldo” – soccer – JRM starred in Bend it Like Beckham

“Roger Federer” – tennis – JRM starred in Match Point

gillian said...

C'mon, it's Phelps. What more do you need?

Maybe Ted's post today eliminating Shia Labeouf will offer some light...

Dear Ted:

Vaccination-Required Blind Vice—is it Shia LaBeouf? Seems to fit very well!

Dear Herpes Huntress:

Such a good guess, girlfriend, but uh, let’s say Finnegan Furrow-Brow isn’t quite as experienced in front of the camera as is Mr. La-Beef.

Now if that last line isn't refering to Phelp's less-than-stellar performance on SNL recently, I don't know what is. I like MP- he's hot and a great swimmer, but all roads are leading up his lane!

Anonymous said...

Hey this is my first time posting, so please be kind. I was wonder if that rocky to the top reference might mean he was in Rocky 6 and that helped get better parts. So that pulls up Milo Ventimiglia who is now on Heroes (good guy). And he does have some mean looking eyebrows - furrow-brow.

sistah2 said...

wow the guesses of Milo and Jon R-M are great, but it seems the biggest clue (above) from Ted's mailbag really nails it down. IF this vice has much less experience in front of the camera - less than Shia L. - that would def. seem more of a hint towards a non actor - so its back to Michael P.

blurry vice said...

This was right under the letter about Shia:

Dear Ted:
You should be outing Paris for mistreating her dogs, not Phelps for taking personal responsibility. I'm very disappointed in you.
—Janele, VA

Dear Good Gal:
I think you just took care of Ms. H quite nicely, babe, but let the record state: I’ve questioned Hilton repeatedly, and she adamantly denies she has ever harmed any animal in her possession, though just to watch her on a red carpet, you see that ain’t exactly accurate.

- Note the Phelps mention right under the Finegan Furrow Brow question.

blurry vice said...

Dear Ted:
Love you, mean it. Friday's are my favorite day because of your Blind Vices. I have a guess as to the ID of Finnegan Furrow-Brow. Is it Adrian Grenier?
—Amy, Ohio

Dear Yo, Adrian:
Way off career-wise, though a little less so in the looks department. Far hotter, too.

Anonymous said...

there is nothing in the clue that says anything about swiming or athletics so it can't be a sports figure. Also it says "H-town counterparts."

You CANNOT say Phelps is an "H-town" figure. At least not yet.

This aint Phelps.

Anonymous said...

he pretty much admitted it was Phelps today.

Dear Ted:
You should be outing Paris for mistreating her dogs, not Phelps for taking personal responsibility. I'm very disappointed in you.
—Janele, VA

Dear Good Gal:
I think you just took care of Ms. H quite nicely, babe, but let the record state: I’ve questioned Hilton repeatedly, and she adamantly denies she has ever harmed any animal in her possession, though just to watch her on a red carpet, you see that ain’t exactly accurate.

gillian said...

"H-town counterparts" reference- michael attended the MTV VMAs recently, presenting an award. He's been launched amongst celebrities since his olympic achievements.

The links are there honey. You might not like it, but they are there:-)

Boss Bunny said...

Agreed. Don't like it, and they're there. It just hurts sometimes to see heroes toppled. Ted was great in letting the holier-than-thou writer out MP as FF-B. The fact that he didn't address MP in his response pretty much lets the writer give out the answer.

blurry vice said...

The athlete hints are the AND IT AINTS!

blurry vice said...

Dear Ted:
Is Finnegan Furrow-Brow Zac Efron? It pains me to ask that, by the way.
—Judy, Chicago

Dear Singing the Wrong Tune:
Fab guess. But Finnegan isn’t blessed with such luscious locks.

blurry vice said...

Dear Ted:
I don't usually write in with Blind Vice guesses, but my friend was too chicken to write in herself, so I'm submitting her answer. Is Finnegan Furrow-Brow from One Vaccination-Required Blind Vice Michael Cera? He's been around for a while and is suddenly making it big, plus he's got that whole nice-guy appeal. Are we close?
—Heather and Tracy, Calif.

Dear Cera-tanly Not:
Gasp! How dare you guess my fave up-and-comer in that nasty BV! FFB is way more buff.

blurry vice said...

Dear Ted:
Is Finnegan Furrow-Brow from One Vaccination-Required Blind Vice Gerard Butler?

Dear Furrow Funk:
FFB is younger. Think less Scot and mucho more American.

blurry vice said...

Dear Ted:
Is Finnegan Furrow-Brow Daniel Radcliffe?

Dear Barely Potter:
Not even close, doll-sweets! Right age, totally wrong bod 'n' look, though.

Anonymous said...

After the BV answer about Gerard Butler and needing to be mucho more America we know Phelps is dead on...

I personally dont think Phelps is cute at all and had arguements with friends during the Olympics about him..From what I see from the gossips sites he is getting plenty of love these days. Maybe they might want to read the BV's before hopping in bed with him :-)

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Thanks for including Coretta King's thoughtful words on equality in a recent column—it's always struck me as a better concept for a national motto than "In God We Trust", no? Good luck sending Prop 8 back up the sphincter from which it came! In other news: Finnegan Furrow-Brow is LeBron. Clearly.

Dear Almost Wise Words:
Thanks for backing up some basic human rights stuff, wish everyone thought equality was old news. Sorry to say, wrong on LeBron, think more, uh, studious. Slightly. "

Charlene said...

It sounds like you're all correct:

"We're sure Mama Phelps is just thrilled with what her baby boy brought home for Thanksgiving. People reports that Michael Phelps brought his not-so-ladylike girlfriend back to Baltimore to do a meet 'n' greet with the fam. M.P's Sarah Larson-in-training GF, Caroline Pal, is a cocktail waitress at the Palms nightclub, Moon, in Veg-Nasty. Natch, we had to ask a former Phelps flame her thoughts on the whole sitch:

"I think it makes perfect sense," dished M-doll's quasi-hookup, who almost made it to home base, only the batter-up stopped swinging; say he wasn't exactly in tip-top performance shape after all. "I'm sure there are things they can do together that I was reluctant to," our former Phelps hon enthused.

Jeez, with all the trashtastic pics floating around of Pal, we're totally getting a future Tila Tequila vibe, fiercely fun-filled 'n' all. Even after Michael's gold medal glory, he still really is the gift that keeps on giving, isn't he?

I know Ms. Pal agrees!"

Anonymous said...

Charlene beat me to it! I just saw the post today. He may as well have posted a link to his BV in that post about the stripper...uh, cocktail waitress. You'd have to be quite dense to miss the connection. Thanks Ted! Give us some more reveals!

blurry vice said...

I agree, this seems like a reveal. We already figured it out thought so it is more like a confirmation. Thanks Ted!

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Is Finnegan Furrow-Brow Rob Pattinson?

Dear Who's Got the Herp?
Ew. No! "

blurry vice said...


"Dear Ted:
I'm the rare breed of chick who enjoys sports, and I definitely get more than my fill, thanks to my Neanderthal boyfriend. I know you've said recently that Tiger Woods had never been a Blind Vice, but do other athletes ever getting starring roles? I suspect Lamar Odom has recently been a supporting actor in one. Other athletes that I get a weird vibe from: Mark Sanchez, Tony Romo, Tom Brady, Kobe Bryant, Michael Phelps and Derek Jeter. Am I totally off?

Dear Patient GF:
Phelps yes. Sanchez...not yet. Brady's stuff is pretty public. Kobe came clean before we got a chance to make him a B.V."